Golden Grandchild

I understand my parents did that with my children. They favored my oldest because we lived with them for the first 2 1/2 years of his life so they helped raise him and for the most part thought he could do no wrong. Then my other one came along and they did not show him the same attention or love they showed my oldest. My mom still favors my oldest a lot. There was not so much buying stuff as mom doesn't have a lot of money. She did used to pay for part of his piano lessons cause she wanted him to have them but never once offered to pay for or help with the youngest gymnastics. It happens in most family's. Which is sad!!!!!!

My mom does this. She says it's because my neice needs her more since her parents do not spend much time with her. It used to bother me so bad that I avoided being around my mom. But then I realized she respects me more than my brother. She doesn't think I need help being a good parent. And that's the best compliment I could ever receive. :)

2fab girls,

I work in eldercare and see this alot. Amongst adult children and grandchildren. But what you need to understand is that it isn't favoritism.
It is more of ...the needy child gets the attention...not because the needy child is the favorite, but because the needy child is just that...needy. You have a full support system, where as your sister sounds like she never had. Now the 2nd part is the generational issue. Grandparents of that generation do not know how to communicate other than financially or materialistically. Do not get frustrated or confuse what IS going on with what you THINK is going on. You said it yourself, "they are clueless" and sometimes all it takes is a calm, heartfelt conversation. One that explains everything you and your girls are experiencing versus an accusatory conversation that kind of takes you back to when you and your sister were adolescents fighting for a doll. Also, if YOU are feeling this way, do not share those feeling with the girls, as they will pick up on it and feed off it as you do. Perhaps if you sat with your sister, as she too seems to be afraid of addressing the situation, and discussed the issue and then both of you approached your parents about all the children and having them treated equally.

I had a similar situation with my MIL showing "favoritism" to my step daughter and I nipped it in the bud. All it took was a calm conversation and she didn't even realize she was doing it. So give communication a try, you have nothing to lose. Good luck.

"Mom and Dad, I know you love your grandson, as we all do, but my daughters feel as if you don't like them as much, seeing how you spend most of your attention on him and very little with them, it makes them feel sad. I would appreciate it if you could not make it as obvious, for their sakes. I understand you have a special bond with him being the first and oldest, do you think you can work on perhaps creating a bond with your grandaughters as well? They would love it."

They're probably just trying to over compensate for everything that is lacking in the little boys life. It's just that it takes a lot of possessions to fill up a hole in an empty heart-and often, a lifetime in which to accomplish this-they mean well, however, it's not going to help your nephew in the long run.

I think they are trying to make up for him not having a dad. My grandparents did this with my cousin and, dear Lord she's a mess! She is the most selfish immature person I know, and she's 40 !
She feels like not having a dad growing up was like a disability and everyone, I mean everyone needed to help her.
Your parents feel bad for him.
If it was hurting my daughter, I would probably have to have a talk with my parents.

Try coming at it from a different point. It would be nice if your sister would talk to them about your nephew's pointing out how expensive something they bought him is. That can be nipped in the bud by several people. Let her tell them that it hurts your daughters' feelings and makes them feel less loved by the grands. If they are wise they will step up their involvement with your kids and even the scale, so to speak. At the very least they should watch what they emphasize when buying your nephew stuff. Maybe even tell him not to brag or over share that information. That said, I have a sister who tends to do the same thing. I point it out and they ignore it. Try to remember you have a "family" that your nephew does not have at the moment and his self esteem may be suffering when he sees your happy family. Sometimes you have to look at your blessings and ignore some obvious inequalities in this situation. Nothing is ever totally fair in this life.

Oh dear. Okay, well we sometimes have a slightly similar situation around here. First off, I think maybe your parents see this as more of a situation where they are helping your sister, as opposed to showing favoritism to your nephew. Likely, they think that they can afford to buy him some of the things that she can't (sounds like maybe she's a single mom??) and spoil him a little because he comes from a "broken home". They possibly see you as having it together and the two of you are able to provide and they don't need to be as involved. I really doubt they know they are hurting you and your daughters and continue to do it...but that being said, it still doesn't make it okay.

So, I suggest just having a heart to heart with your parents, or at least your mom, and explain that your kids are starting to notice these discrepancies and it's starting to hurt their feelings. Also mention that you have noticed them too and although you know your sis needs help, it would be nice for you to get a little help too.

I would not ignore it, it's obviously affecting you and your relationship with your parents, which in turn is affecting your children's relationship with their grandparents. I think you need to be as honest and tactful as possible and hopefully when they realize that it's hurting you they can come up with a compromise.

If you don't tell them how you feel, how do you expect things to change? And if you don't expect them to change, then you can't complain.

You need to talk to your parents. Let them know that they are hurting their granddaughters with their treatment. Understand they will probably come back with the "oh your sister is a single parent and we are just wanting to be sure that he has what he needs". Just point out to them that your daughters love them and would love to have some of their attention as well.

In the long run, you will have to let it go. Believe me, I have had this issue with my in laws for years. It came to a head last year when my husband put his foot down. Now mind you, at that time our kids were 23 and 19! I will say this, my husband has talked to his parents for years but last year was the ultimate letter. It got their attention. Sometimes people are a little slow!

If you don't tell them how you feel, how can they correct the situation?

They are adults, you can't dictate how they choose to spend their money. You can, however, seek more opportunities for them to spend time with your daughters.

Set up supervised playdates for grandma/pa and your kids. i.e. volunteer to come over with cake, tea and some teddies for a tea party. volunteer to bring the kids, rakes and some apple cider.

foster opportunities for the love to grow.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

You probably won't get anywhere saying they shouldn't spend at all/so much. I would tell them that you and now your daughter have realized that they buy more expensive things for their grandson. Say that you are sad that they don't seem to also want to be as involved in your children's lives. Find a way to talk to them.

My cousin was the golden child. Oh poor her, she had no mother (no, she had a Disney mother that didn't see her much but DID see her while our father totally walked). Somehow it became that they needed to make up for her situation but not ours. And, gee, their father is the only boy and golden son. See how that filters? Angered me so much as a kid - but sis and I are the ones with families while the golden child is running wild because she got spoiled. So you might want to tell your sister that for her SON's sake she should talk to them. Is the hand that feeds her holding good or bad food?

It won't be easy to call them on it. But if it's to the point where you might not see so much of them over it, what do you have to lose?

My grandmother has 11 grandchildren (I'm the only step) and 6 great grandchildren. There are 4 girls that she favors over everyone (I am not one of them, of course, but my half sister is). She gives these girls extra gifts at Christmas and has them over for dinner. She spends much more time and money on them than anyone else. The favoratism is blatant and to the point of insulting.

As an adult I have come to terms with the fact that this is her problem, not mine. Although, growing up it has hurt my feelings, eventhough as the only step child I was barely tolerated by this woman, much less accepted. Luckily, my mom has certainly seen this and has treated my children equally. Although, there is a new "full-blood" grandchild on the way so time will tell....

My advise would be to distance your children from her as much as possible. She will not change. She either loves the little boy more, likes him as a person more, or feels he needs more because of his circumstance. Either way, I don't think having a heart to heart will change anything. Maybe telling her will give her the opportunity to hide her favoratism by giving him the gifts and affection when your daughters are not around, sparing their feelings a bit.

I used to go to this grandmother's house every Sunday with some of the other "favored" family members, but have not gone for a long time, as I want to distance my kids from her to spare their feelings. I prefer that they see her a few times a year (eventhough we live 5 minutes away) and not really know her at all. I have no love lost for her.

I'm sorry this is with your mother, which makes it so much harder. Did she favor your sister growing up as well?

My mom did it to my kids soI am so careful to treat everyone equally. Costs a fortune lol but I buy for one I buy for all. I give everyone equal time.

You just have to get over it really. You can't change people. My in-laws have four grandkids aged 26, 24, 20 and 15. The 24/15-year-olds are mine and the other two are brother and sister. My nephew (26) has ALWAYS been the golden child. All of us parents knew it, could see it, and couldn't do anything about it. (My ex-inlaws just prefer boys and have even said so in front of everybody.) To this day he still is the golden child. (And I love him dearly, but jeez!) My ex-father-in-law is currently helping build him a house, and last year helped buy him a new car. Meanwhile my niece can barely afford college because her father is a piece of work who doesn't support her. My kids are fine and don't need the extra help, but they sure have noticed the disparity over the years and have chosen to distance themselves from these grandparents. Thankfully we don't live in the same town. My niece, unfortunately, does.

Long story short, you can't change people or the way they feel about others. Build your daughters up and remind them that your nephew probably needs the extra help/care, and they don't and that's something to be proud of. Work at developing other relationships in their lives that are more healthy. Sorry, but after 26 years of living this myself, I think there is no use trying to fix things like this.

They are adults, you can't dictate how they choose to spend their money. You can, however, seek more opportunities for them to spend time with your daughters.

i dont think there is any way to change this and honestly it sucks. I also dont think the parents are making up for anything. I think they are J. closer to that boy because they lived with him and spent more time with him. I've come to grips with this myself. My mom lives with my brothers daughter and my brother so my mom spends all of her time with her and prefers her. She knows her inside out and provides for her. She has a stronger bond with her. I accept all of this, what does bother M. though is making no effort to spend any time with my daughter alone. She only sees her with her cousin, which means they play and she hardly interacts with my daughter at all.

I can accept the favoritisim that is natural but I get hurt when I've ointed it out to my mom over the years and she agrees but doesnt do anything to change the fact that she barely sees my daugter or spends time with her. She doesnt go to games when she was in tball, doesnt go to anything unless guilted into it, doesnt make phone calls to emmy and so on...but honestly thats how my mom was with us growing up...she loved us but wasnt motherly, so i guess i have to accept thats J. her and make sure i dont replicate it

Yes, you do have to let this go and have your own relationship with your parents and let them be the grandparents they are to your own kids. My family had a similar situation.

Understand that your nephew is more than a grandson to them, they have been involved (it sounds like) more as 2nd parents than grandparents. That is just because of the situation that was presented to them - your sister being a single parent and needing help. Thank goodness your parents were there. You did not need that kind of help for your children, thank goodness.

So, do not compare and feel bad or let your children feel that you think they are thought less of. Because you and your DH have been parents, the grandparents have not had to fulfill that role. They are being grandparents to your children, not parents.

How to deal with your daughter's upset? First of all accept that the situation is the way it is, then you can be "matter of fact" with your girls. Until you let go of your own anger, your children will pick up on it.

As far as the spoiling, again, think of it as another parent's choice. You can see that it is not good for the child, but you cannot change others. My answer to my children was, "that's not how WE do it."

So, do see this in a new perspective, your children will not ever be in the same category as your nephew, nor do you really want them to be. You should try to understand that even though they have gone overboard in spoiling that little boy, your parents intentions have been to help a child that needs them.

I hope this helps you to let go of the anger and resentment and accept things for what they are. Just see what your family dynamics are and learn to accept the situation. Remember your nephew needs your love and acceptance also.

It's gotten SO bad that you feel that it's better not to spend time with them at all, yet you are afraid to discuss it, worried about how they'll react? That doesn't make sense. What do you think will happen? Do you think they'll say "Well, we don't want to see you and the girls anymore." If they do, so what? You already aren't going to spend any time with them...

Why don't you take the bull by the horns, help your girls, help your sister and help your nephew by sitting down with them alone, and telling them what they are doing? They are spoiling their grandson, ignoring their granddaughters, and setting the stage for the grandson only loving them for what he can get out of them, and the girls feeling totally unloved by them. You should just tell them flat out that you aren't going to be bringing the girls over anymore because you don't want them feeling like they are worthless to their grands. Instead, you feel it's just better for them to be around people who actually love them.

Your sister does need their help, but they are teaching that child to be a gold digger. Ask grandpa what kind of woman that child is going to want to marry when he grows up? Does grandpa want that boy to only pay attention to the "sizzle and sparkles"? Or does he want this boy to marry for love and understand that he and his new wife can't buy a full house of furniture, new cars and have debt up the ying-yang because he's been used to "having" non-necessities all his life? The grands are grooming him to demand and expect and not work for what he gets.

If they really are "clueless" as you say, they will appreciate this, at least after they've thought about it for a while. If they get defensive and say you are just jealous, tell them that they must just love boy grandchildren and that they should be ashamed of themselves, and walk out the door.

If they care about your kids, they will miss them and start to feel guilty and hopefully come and make amends. I hope that they will listen and have their eyes opened for all the grandkids' sakes.

Dawn

I can almost guarantee that they behave this way not because he is the first grandchild, but because they feel like they are "making up for" not having a dad, or the fact that he has a broken home, or that your sister (being a single mom) can't afford x,y,z and YOU have a solid marriage to a good man who IS there for his kids.

That is the biggest issue going on here. The only problem is that buying stuff for your sister's son CAN'T make up for him not having his dad/family intact. The end result may not be pretty.
I'm not sure what you can do that would change anything.. probably not much. They mean well, so they cannot see that their good intentions may have a bad result in the end. And buying stuff for their grandson can't erase any longing he has for his dad. Or anger he has about his absence. It CAN, however, help him feel entitled. Just what we need in the good ol' USA, too. More people who feel entitled. Maybe ask your parents how they feel about the "entitlement generation"? lol
Sad.

well on one hand if you dont say anything they wont know how you feel.. on the other hand if u say something it might not go over very well .. and even if u do u cant expect that that will mean everything will change, because it probably wont .. the only advice i can give is that if you do say anything dont make it seem like youre bringing iit up because YOUre mad/bothered by it, you need to make it clear that your daughter is the upset about this too -it will mean more that way ..either way, you have to try to not let it bother you so much