Girls Weekend Getaway Gone Bad

Can you ask the other friend for an unbiased third opinion? Maybe she can give some perspective on whether the one friend was rude, you were being sensitive, etc.

I think I would give it another shot. Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she had an argument with her husband. Maybe she was concerned about one of the kids. I can actually think of quite a few things that might have caused her to be out of sorts.

I would brush it off and try again. Try to ignore it, even if things are a bit awkward, and just see how it goes. You might find that this really is not a friendship that's meant to be. But if you give it another try, you might find that this is not typical behavior and she is a true friend.

Unfortunately, there are friends who you can't live with or take trips with. One of my closest friends (and we are basically polar opposites on most things) would be a terrible trip companion for me. I know this and have never invited her on a trip nor have I suggested we take a trip together. We can shop together and that's about it. Was there something in particular that set her off? Did she take something you said the wrong way and that brough on her actions? What does the other friend say about this interaction, as she would be the impartial party and not directly involved, but a spectator?

If you normally get along then either you were in a mood or she was in a mood. Sorry, I know, you are saying it wasn't me but sorry, sometimes it really is you. Your dog threw up, your husband threw up, bird pooped on your car. It is odd but sometime little things throw your whole personality off and you take things differently than you normally do.

Perhaps you had been dreaming about this relaxing weekend and she said something that wasn't on your script and you were done right there, right then.

Reverse this for her and it would explain why she was reacting differently to you.

This is all just human nature, neither good nor bad, just how we are wired. It could have been as simple as her first normal comment struck you oddly and it colored every other comment both of you feeding off each other. I am suggesting this is a two way street, figure out your part in the dance and you will clearly see her part. Put it all on her and you can kiss the friendship goodbye and it will be 100% your fault

Not blaming you, but it's really hard from your post to know what happened. You might have been overly sensitive or she might have been a little too vocal - I try to step back and think "Was she intending to be rude or is it just the way I'm perceiving it?"

I had a good friend of mine visit me at my home for a long weekend. She's pretty high maintenance and sensitive. I was thoroughly drained by the end of our visit. I realized we should be friends in small doses.

I've also had friends which work when it's one on one, but add in a third and there's tension.

Best thing probably would have been to have asked at the time.

I'd let it go and see how she is next time you see her. Good luck :)

I've found that I and most friends have some difficulty getting along when traveling together. Even with close friends, tho we get along for 2-3 days before the tension starts. We nearly always get along at home, even after a tense trip.

Being together for an extended time away from home is difficult. We dance around finding our place in the hierarchy
Who's going to be the leader. Who will follow sort of thing. Your description of your friend and disagreements fit with this.

One of my best friends and I have had a few difficulties over the last 40 years. We're both leaders, strong willed and stubborn when we believe we're right. Both of us are independent and are used to be in charge. Except for 2 times, we're back to being friends.

As I've aged, I 've learned how to not argue. Most of the time I can just let go of the need to be right. I do often object when she tells me what I must do. Same hapoens with her. We think of each other as controlling. lol

When people have to spend time together on close quarters, we tend to try to find to establish ourselves as the top "banana" resentment builds. I've learned to take some time for myself while I remind myself that I'm OK as I am.. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by the other's personality. When we plan out who is responsible for what, we both feel in charge in that area. There is less need to establish ourselves as the one in charge.

Talking about how we feel using I statements, frequently clears the air.

I would like to understand how she was rude. If this is a friend that you have spent time with, I would think this would have shown itself prior to this trip.

Maybe she thought you were rude as well. What I don't understand is why didn't you ask her what was going on!!!

In the end, you have no idea why she was acting that way. Regardless of what you think about her not worrying about anything, you have no idea because you didn't ask.

So your question, no I have never had this happen because I would have asked "what the hell is going on? This isn't like you. Are you ok? " But, that's just me.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

So you are in a car with friends and you don't address the rudeness when it happens?? Oh joy!!! let's just feed the hostility.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!!

You're expecting me to believe that you were in a car with your best friend and NEVER discussed these subjects before?? WHAT were the subjects about??

Then my question is - HOW WAS YOUR demeanor?? HOW DID YOU behave? HOW DID YOU SPEAK to her? Is it possible that YOU were part of the problem as well? Many times we fail to see what we are doing wrong and blame someone else for a situation. I can hazard a guess, you were NOT innocent in this. Look back, without the veil on and see how YOU behaved.

My best friend and I? Welllll...we've been friends since we were 10 years old. So we know each other quiet well....we also know that towards the end of every visit one of us gets pissy. Why? Because we know one of us has to go back home...we expect it. We work around it and communicate...have we been in long car rides together? Yep. 8 to 10 hours. We have lively conversations!!

My suggestion is you meet with your friend and discuss your feelings and openly listen to her. DO NOT FIGHT if she says you were rude first - you need to accept accountability for the rudeness as well.

Good luck!!

sometimes tight quarters bring out the worst in everybody. probably did in you too. being cooped up in a small space, traveling, isn't likely to have ME at my best. maybe she's just a little like that.
maybe you are.
the older we get, the more we realize that there are real nuances to friendships. some of the best ones for going deep and processing feelings are not the ones we enjoy so much for lighthearted girly getaways. some of the ones with whom we're in lockstep on political and social platforms feel strident and overbearing if you want to spend an afternoon planting flowers and chatting.
i'm betting dimes to doughnuts that if we asked anne about it, she'd say that you got your nose out of joint early and nothing she said make it feel right again.
i absolutely have had jolting experiences where i realized that a friend was very different from my previous perceptions, and never had the relationship recover. and i've had some milder awakenings where i realized that certain friends just don't jive perfectly in certain circumstances. that's okay. i know i can be prickly, and my ability to stay snugged in close to just about ANYBODY for long periods is very sketchy.
and i've had teetering potential disasters with besties that we've managed to fix, because it was important to everyone concerned.
so maybe you and anne really are incompatible. maybe you just need to hang with her in specific venues. and maybe you have some responsibility in the change of feel.
if she's really a bestie, though, you really need to talk to her about it. casual friendships don't require answers, but smart people don't let best friendships slip away easily, not without some effort to work it out.
good luck.
khairete
S.

The more I think about this, the more I felt that I should change my answer.

I do think it was you. I don't know what it was you disagreed on (ethics, politics, parenting, etc) but what's missing in your account is any attempt at reparation on your part. The fact that you say that she was only rude to you and not to your mutual friend sort of makes me wonder what the topic of disagreement was. Instead, it seems that there's some deflection going on-- that it was the travel itself and not the interaction which upset her.

Which would make more sense if she was being rude to both of you, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

If it were me experiencing this, I might ask "you seem very angry with me and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" and try to see what is going on for that other person. I'm not a person who wants to sit with that sort of tension and anger. I'd rather give that person a graceful space to clear the air and readdress the issue. One of my best friends and I often disagree on many, many things, but we have the advantage of loving each other dearly and, in that love, wanting to know *why* the other person has the opinion or feelings they do, even if we don't agree or can't relate. It's that desire to see it from the other person's perspective that has kept us friends-- genuine curiosity about the other.

Mutual respect is the other piece. If you feel that you really said nothing wrong, that her feelings weren't hurt, and that she was just being mean for the sake of being mean, well then, that's too bad. Adults shouldn't behave that way. If it were me, though, I'd try to look a little deeper at my own role in those interactions.

Ask her what was wrong? Communication is the key to maintaining relationships.

I have to agree with some of the other posters. The one problem I see here is lack of straight-forward communication. I'm not sure how your friendships work. Did you feel uncomfortable asking, "what's going on?"

It's never fun being couped in a car for a long period of time. We just returned from a road trip and I thought my husband was rude to me and you ask him, he will likely say I was rude to him. Both statements are probably true.

Some people are only meant to be in small doses.

Communicate.
Maybe you were the issue?

Sometimes we don't think that ourselves could possibly contribute to the issue?

I would be interested to know how you traveled. I mean... you drove, so did you rent a car, and everyone took a turn driving, or did one of you volunteer your vehicle and did all the driving, or what.

I say that simply b/c as adults we are all used to a little more decision making power and autonomy. And having to be "at someone else's mercy" so to speak can drastically affect some people. Not on purpose. Not intentionally. But look, I get irritable when we go on trips as a family sometimes. Why? Because we are a 3 car family, and the only time I am not driving when I'm going somewhere is when I am with my husband (usually Sunday mornings to church, or dinner on the weekend). Pretty much the rest of the time, I'm driving. There's a lot of control at stake. I mean.. not really... your destination doesn't change, right? But as the driver, it is my experience, that you automatically have first rights to the radio (station, CD, volume, etc), the a/c (hot/cold/fan speed), the route (though this might be discussed in advance, but if you are in familiar territory, different people use different traffic patterns or shortcuts), and of course, the actual driving: raining--windshield wiper speed, when to turn on the headlights, how much distance to maintain between you and the cars in front --and knowing whether the driver is aware of how closely the car behind is following as well, deceleration speeds--letting off the gas, or running right up and slamming on the brakes.... ALL of that stuff (yeah, back seat driving if you want to call it that, but if you are a careful driver riding with someone who is a little looser...it's going to send your nerves off the charts).

So... I know this about myself and know to mentally keep that stuff in check. Maybe one of you aren't aware of your little idiosyncrasies? And somebody got stressed. With no escape from the car, it wouldn't get better if not addressed. Could that be what your disagreement was about?

Are you sure she wasn't PMSing? Or having hot flashes or something? We all have bad weekends and sometimes it's because we're coming down with something too.

If she normally treats you fine then see how it goes after you're back home. I have an excellent friend and I have always refused to travel with her. Completely and totally never ever ever.

She was raised very wealthy and thinks if a hotel costs less than $200 per night you're slumming. She expects to eat at high dollar restaurants and if she sees something she wants she gets it. She doesn't comprehend that I think Motel 6 is enough and the least expensive place to eat isn't somewhere I'm going to be able to afford.

I think it's sad to spend money like that. She always pampers herself and yes, I imagine I'm jealous. I can't see her spending money like that without thinking over how many gallons of milk her purchases would buy or how much cheese. So many things we do without each month so the kids can have their needs met.

So no, not all friends should travel together. See how it goes. She might have been told you demanded something or heard gossip or something. She could have been mad at you over some slight. Maybe she wanted to do something different and was told you said no. You just don't know unless you ask her.

Maybe she felt insecure. Did your other friend notice as well? If she noticed too, I think asking her about it is the best way to figure it out. If this had happened between your boys, what would you advise your son to do?

My best friend and I had a very big blow up because of some behavior issues among our kids. I really doubted our friendship would survive. It took a few weeks but we eventually worked things out. I'm very glad we did.

Blessings to you and I hope everything works out for you.

L.

I suppose I'd have to know what your definition of rude is.
Merely agreeing to disagree is not rude and it's nothing over which to hold a grudge.
Now it if brought out a major claws out no holds barred cat spat - things got WAY too escalated!

I know people that I love in almost every way - but if they get started on religion or politics they start foaming at the mouth - and I can't be near them when they get that way.
Let me know when their rant is over - and we can resume where we left off.
People are different - one likes blue, another likes green or purple, some are republicans or democrats, some are atheist others are orthodox - we can't agree on everything and I wouldn't expect to.
If we can agree most of the time, then we can get along.
If we disagree on everything ALL of the time - then we have no basis for a friendship.

If this is atypical behavior for her, then it is likely that something else entirely is going on. It may or may not have anything to do with your trip, her weekend, or even you.

I would calm down, take the emotion and your hurt out of the situation and talk to her. Ask her point blank 'I noticed that you were not your usual self last weekend. Is there something I need to know about?' She may or may not answer, but at least you will have the chance to clear the air and she will know that her attitude was less than polite.Otherwise this will remain the elephant in the room.

Was the issue you did not agree upon something really big?

The last trip I took with my best friend we had fun, like we always do, but I also found out that she was not who I thought she was and it has affected our ability to maintain a friendship. She revealed to me that she had been in a two year relationship with a married man. She honestly felt like they were doing nothing wrong and for me that made it so I couldn't really trust her anymore in the way I had before. Sometimes if the issue is personal enough a disagreement can be the end of closeness.

I haven't had this. I travel with my girl friends often enough (our daughter's are competitive dancers and sometimes just the moms go and share hotels). If there is any sort of disagreement we are all close enough that we hash it out right then and there, quite often it's no big deal.

Honestly, it may have been you. She may have said something in the wrong tone, and your response was the wrong tone, and it was all downhill from there.

Talk to her about it. If you're calling her your best friend, it should be easy to do that.

Sometimes the people we think of as best friends are really only "location" friends - people who you wouldn't otherwise be close with except you're with them in this place in your life. Your kids are the same age, you live in the same neighborhood, yoiu carpool together, the kids sleep over each other's houses, etc. Think about people you've worked with - close friends while you're with eachother every day in the office but when one of you takes another job you get together for dinner or drinks maybe once or twice afterwards but you really don't have much in common.

Now that i'm in my mid-50s and my kids are in college and high school I have a more clear perspective of those days. I was super close to the moms on the block when our kids were all 3 - 10 becuae we spent every afternoon together when the kids were out in the circle. Now the kids have all gone their different ways and while we're still friendly we have very little in common except the ages of our kids and street we live on.
Many years ago there were a group of us girls who all worked together - most of us were married and we'd hang out at eachother homes on a friday night talking and drinking wine. When my now ex-husband left and we divorced I didn't feel like sitting around with abunch of married women on a friday night. They took it personally - but we were suddenly in different seasons of our life.

Move on from this woman. Your kids can still be friends, but that doesn't mean you have to be.

I have not personally had any trouble when travelling with friends. What was the nature of the disagreement? I mean, friends can have different opinions on many matters, but if there are some things that I could not just agree to disagree about. For instance, if I was on a trip with a friend, and found out she had racist beliefs I might have a hard time continuing the friendship.

Some her are saying it was her. My first thought was you. Could you have said something (innocent in your head), but she could have taken offense to it?

Also, things can get misinterpreted. I read your SWH yesterday and I thought you were saying 'Sarah' was her usual self, very rude to you. I read Sarah's post and thought you were sensitive and found nothing rude with her post. This morning, I read it again and realize you were responding to Sarah and the comment was about your friend. You did nothing wrong, I just read it wrong the first time.

Something doesn't make sense here. I can think of three explanations:1- she's always got a dry sarcastic sense of humor that you misinterpreted on this trip,2- she's a person that frequently says thoughtless (rude) things, or 3-she wasn't herself. Because a normally polite, fun friend doesn't turn into a rude person without reason. It's hard to imagine that this woman could be one of your closest friends, and you don't know which of these is true.

And again, if she's one of your closest friends and numbers 1 or 2 above don't apply, I can't believe you didn't look at her at some point and say "Anne, are you upset with me about something? It seems like you are, but I don't know what it could be."

What was the other friend doing while your friend was being rude and you were being complacent? This is all very odd. Usually you know your close friends well enough to know which ones can be bitchy so it's not a surprise on a trip. And if you're close you can call them on being difficult and stick up for yourself. Kind of like the snickers commercials where the friends are mean until they eat and someone hands them a candy bar.. If she's never acted this way ever before? I don't know. Very odd. If she goes back to normal now..decide if you want to stay friends. If she stays rude then dump her.

You didn't have any hint of this before? Were these all new subjects that were broached? Or she wanted to drive a different way, or eat at different places? Was it that was her way or the highway approach? What about the other gal? How was she? Was she "Switzerland" in between you two? Was she surprised at the other friend's behavior?

I'd have to know the answers to these questions to assess this if I were in your shoes. Do you even know the answers to these questions? Sometimes this stuff happens and you just don't know...

Not knowing the answers to the questions on my part, I guess I would say to let her reach out to you first and see how she acts. If she acts like nothing has happened, I would say that this is purely on her and she doesn't care. The question is, what will you want to do next? You probably know that you'll never want to go with her on a weekend getaway, or maybe anywhere, with her again. Instead, go with the other gal.

Maybe because of this experience your eyes are open to how she treats you regularly and see it for what it really is instead of rose-colored glasses. Maybe she isn't very nice to you as a rule and you haven't seen it before. (Passive aggressive?) Maybe she's nice to you when it's just you two, but doesn't play in a triangle well?

Whatever it is, promise yourself that you won't put yourself in the situation again. You just have to figure out what the catalyst is. You can just dump the friendship if you don't want to put the effort into figuring this out. Then again, perhaps she'll dump the friendship first. So that's why I say to let her reach out to you first, so that you see how things are.

But the bottom line is that you don't have to put up with rudeness from a friend. Real friends don't do that...

Three can be a crowd.

Yes, I took a cruise with 2 friends & butted heads several times with one of them. We eventually settled into peace, but the friendship has never been the same since.