Girl Seeking Sanity Against Family

Doing the right thing and doing the easiest thing are usually never the same. You did the right thing.

You were right on! What he did was illegal and wrong and you had a responsibility to report him.

I am also from a dysfunctional family and what I've had to learn (and its hard to enforce emotionally) is that I'm a separate person and if they don't like something I do or don't do, that is their problem. If they keep getting angry or don't speak to you over it, just tell them, "I feel I did the right thing and I've already heard what you have to say about it. When you are ready to move on please call me then. The conversation regarding this is over." Just be firm, you can't let them make you feel bad for what you feel is right.

I would have done the same thing. Those that are upset with you probably see nothing wrong with stealing.

Hi A.,
I know it feels really hard to make a decision when part of your family disagrees. You made a good decision. You can't base your decisions on what other people think, even when those other people are family.

What you did was a service to your brother. Hopefully, in time, he will see this as a wake-up call and be thankful that he didn't continue to get himself into deeper and deeper trouble.
Your mother and other siblings may think they are helping him, but they are just enabling him to continue his bad, irresponsible behavior. They most likely are afraid he won't love them anymore if they hold him accountable.

Really loving someone means that when someone is harming themselves or others, you step in. This is absolutely what you did. You showed love for your brother by stopping him from stealing (harming the school and himself)

I will hold you and your family in my prayers. I pray they will see the love behind your action. You made the right choice, A.!

K. (mom of 2 great young men -- 18 and 21!)

Hi. My family has been in this situation with one sibbling a few times. We did the right thing - make him go to the place where he "sold" some of our belongings and buy them back. He's also had to pay from crimes (misdemeanors) he's committed, and we did not put the money up for bail or for an attorney. I'm not sure if he's learned a lesson. I don't let him come to my home as I do not trust him, nor do I want my children to be around him. It's a hard situation, but morally I support your actions.

I think you are extremely strong for having turned in your brother! You are an amazing woman. You have done the right thing regardless of what your family thinks. I also think it's important that your children see this. Then they know that there are consequences to actions. Hang in there. Your family will come around. And I applaud your strength in having done this.

S.

I have a lot of respect for you for having the courage to do what you knew was right, even when you probably knew what the repercussions might be. I am supposing you have already heard this, but remember that you cannot force anyone else to make wise choices. Too bad, in this case! I applaud you for taking a stand for what is right. I hope that eventually, more of your family members will see that it was the sane thing to do, rather than a heartless thing to do. I agree with you that the best chance your brother has to make better choices is for someone to give him some consequences and hopefully, accountability. When you are surrounded by disfunctional people, it is easy to lose track of what healthy behavior actually looks like. I hope your family sees that you did everyone a favor by not sweeping wrong behavior under the carpet. In the meantime, I REALLY hope you have emotionally healthy friends to talk to (besides us,) ;) who can remind you that you are doing the right thing. God bless you, and I hope that all goes well.

you definitely did the right thing. The 30 year old needs to grow up, get a job that allows him to live on the right side of the law, and take responsibility for his actions. I am appalled that anyone (in your family or not) would think it was ok to let him get away with this. Maybe you and your daughter are better off without that kind of influence.

You're not in a sticky situation. You have a bum for a brother and frankly, your mother and most of your other siblings seem to be bums, too.

OF COURSE you did the right thing. You did the lawful thing. You did the moral thing. You did the courageous thing. You did the responsible thing.

Your brother is a thief and a liar. Your mother and all but one of your siblings are angry at YOU because your brother is a thief and a liar and you were the only person willing to report a criminal action? Are you kidding me? I'd dearly like to give THEM a piece of my mind.

It SUCKS that your family is punishing you. If they had a lick of common sense they would gang up against your 30 year old bum of a brother - which might encourage him to grow up and be a man. But don't you DARE go doubting yourself. You know that they're dysfunctional. I'm sorry you don't have a more reasonable family, but at least you have three family members in your corner . . . and more importantly, you have your OWN family with your daughter - so at least you will be able to protect your daughter from the dysfunction that plagued you.

I think you absolutely did the right thing! How rediculous that your grown brother would do something so selfish and get mad at you for doing the right thing. Good for you!

If your brother stole it and wouldn't return it then absolutely tell the authorities. If you knew someone else had stolen one and they weren't related wouldn't it not even be a question? I think it's stupid to protect, whether by ignoring or supporting poor behaviors, people who are being irresponsible or illegal. I totally think you did the right thing and you shouldn't take it so hard that your family isn't speaking to you. You are in the right! I know how you feel...I also have one of those weird, backwards, freakishly dysfunctinal families.

You did the right thing. Stealing is wrong, no matter who the theif if. It seems few people theses days have much honesty and integrity. These are important values to uphaold and I think that you made that choice.

I have had to turn in my brother to authorities, as well. To have known the truth about a crime and not turn someone in(especially after requesting they do the right thing) really makes us just us guilty doesn't it?

Good for you! Your family will come around. It's always best to do the Right thing!!!

You did the right thing!!!! Good for you! Sometimes there are enablers in the family who would prefer that you make things comfortable for everyone...they would rather have comfort vs. being morally correct. It feels weird to be pulled both ways, but know that you did the right thing and don't second guess yourself. Hold your head high and know that your mom and some of your siblings just haven't figured things out yet. You are stronger than you know.

Hi A.,

I think you did the right thing, but it's hard to face the scruitiny (forgive my spelling it's 4am) that some of your family members are giving you. I am in a simular situation and debating whether or not I will turn in my sister in law and brother in law for not paying taxes. I would worry that it would come back and bite me in the ass....yet I agree that you are trying to provide a healthy example for your children etc. I would first of all suggest to keep your distance from those people that don't agree with your decision and try to keep out of the "dysfunctional loop" that is created by a family like yours. I know....I grew up in one and my husbands family is even more screwed up than mine. Stick to your guns, it was an immoral thing for your brother to do...as well as illegal. So he needs to faces the concequences.

I don't know how you feel about your family in a WHOLE but my husband and I have had to distance ourselves completely from his family because it is so drama filled, and so bad for us to be trapped in. So we live three hours away, don't ask for anything (like help or babysitting from them) and pretty much ignore them until something like a birthday party comes up..then we go to the event...act nice...be adults...and then go home...and continue with our lives...not wanting to be part of their dysfunction.

Message me in private anytime...my family is just as messed up :( you did the right thing!

I believe you did the right thing! I know that with family situations, it makes it especially tough, but you always have to choose doing the right thing. He is old enough to face the consequences of his actions! Good job and hang in there. Hopefully your mom and other family members will see that you did the right thing and your brother can't learn from his mistakes if he is always protected from the consequences. Hang in there!

I think you did the right thing. Don't doubt yourself or your decisions. You did what you thought was right, for the right reasons. And stand your ground with your mom, you are now setting examples for your little one.

I'm sorry your family is being so awful about this. You did the right thing, without a doubt. He needs to face his actions and maybe this will allow him to get some help. Stealing can be an indicator of other problems. If you hadn't turned him in, the half of the family who thinks you did the right thing would be disgusted and you would have to battle yourself. I think the biggest thing is that your daughter, having seen you do the right thing, will know that it is okay to be strong and stand up for what is right. You set a good example for her, and that should matter more than anything. Well done! Good luck with your family situation.
I asked my husband about this one and he said "How could they think it was okay for him to break the law, just because he family? He needs to be held responsible."
So there you go.

You did the right thing. Don't keep enabling your brother you would be doing him no favors. Stick to your guns. Sometimes it might get lonely out there but, you were right. I know, I've been there.

You did the right thing and anyone who says different is wrong. You should not be the one who is ostrisized your brother and anyone who agrees with what he did is. Some countries still punish ANY theft by cutting off fingers and hands. There is a real reason for this.

You completely did the right thing. There is no question in my mind that you are right.

Unfortunetly we don't get to pick our family. But we can pick our friends and whom we want our kids to be around. I have a sister that I don't speak with because her life style is illegal and reckless. And I choose to not have my daughter be a part of that. It's hard not having a sister around. But I turn to my girlfriends who are a great support system. Family isn't always the best option for security and strength. Sometimes friends are more like family.

I think you did the right thing. You stood up for what you thought was right. Unfortunately others don't always agree, usually because they don't want to admit to doing wrong. Be tactful and gentle with your family but stick to your morals...stealing is wrong.

A.,
You absolutely did the right thing! How can we expect our children to grow up honest if we ourselves don't set a good example. Also from a legal point of view, if you hadn't turned him in you would have been an accessory to the crime. So you can tell the rest of your family that since they knew of the crime but did nothing, that your brother has made them all responsible for the crime as well.

I think you are very strong and honest person.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I think you did the right thing. Your brother is 30 years old. He's a grown man, for God's sake, he needs to learn responsibility and that stealing is unacceptable.

Congratulations for rising above, what is clearly, a very difficult decision and for doing what is right.

you did the right thing!!

...The Road Less Travelled... You DID the right thing.

Thank you for being an honest citizen. I am VERY proud of you. Unfortunatly you obviously dont need that side of the family in your life right now as they cannot understand it is wrong and not only is it wrong but its wrong for them shaming you for being a good person.

Which in terms you being the good person will show your child what is right and what is wrong. and for you and your child to be around people like this will make her think your wrong. Keep being healthy and strong for your family and dont allow people like this bring you down. Your a VERY good person for doing what you did =)

I agree and would turn in my kids in such a situation. I am sorry for you loss with your family not talking to you.

Hello,
Sorry to hear these problems, and sure they are complicated. I've personally and professionally experienced the gamut of being engrossed in family issues. The key is being as objective as you can and determine whether that action has any direct bearing on you or your immediate dependents. If not, then leave it alone and allow their own life to work it through.

When it is impossible to pull away from stressful, dysfunctional (as you stated) issues enough to evaluate or change, the second key is to do a difficult thing - look at why you are wrapped up in it. Then focus on and elevate your own well-being enough for it to no longer affect you.

If you can do that, great! But, it was for me, and is for most, impossible to truly unravel the entanglements ourselves. I, and now those I work with are fortunate to have experienced this is as one of the many things resolved with homeopathic constitutional treatment - that gently and naturally unraveled what was truly relevant, improved or discarded relationships according to their benefit, healed the past and blossomed into self clarity.

I wish you the best,
Liz
Classical Homeopath

This is the problem that philosophers would bat around for centuries. There is not a set "your right he was wrong" answer here, because: A. We don't know if there is "background" with you and your brother and if this could be perceived as retaliation towards your brother. B. Did you try to get help from the rest of your family before "turning him in" and if they decided not to help then their having an opinion at this point is a bit late. C. If you exhausted all your other possibilities, and truly knew of no other way to get the base back to the rightful owners then you should have a free conscience.

If your relationship with your brother is important to you, then you may have to go to him, explain your actions, tell him you still love him, and that he may not expect much of himself but you see a lot of possibilities in him and he should want more out of life.
Peace,
L.

A.,
I'm shocked what your brother did and shocked that part of your family is unsupportive. I completely agree with your decision. I would do the same no matter how difficult it is. Giving him the opportunity to make things right and having him disregard this is criminal.
In my book, you did the right thing.
If you hadn't turned him in, he may have ended up stealing from you or other family members if he hasn't already.
Chin up.

All I have to say is: Ditto on what Becky said and, it only takes one person in a family to make a decision to change the path their family is on. A person could come from a long line of divorce, for example, and make a decision that that pattern is going to stop. You are obviously a woman of great strength and character. Your daughter is blessed to have you for a mommy. Good luck! You have lots of support here!
L. =0)

You are a very strong woman and thank goodness you know the right thing to do, whether your family sees that or not. Your brother needs to grow up and your family needs to stop protecting him from the consequences of his actions. It doesn't matter if he's family or not, illegal activity is still illegal!!!

My husband is a State Trooper and he faces these moral and ethical situations every day. He had to arrest someone who went to Iraq with him, for drunk driving. My husband had to make the right choice to protect the rest of the people in this world from someone doing something illegal and immoral. Stealing the bass doesn't constitute a safety issue like drunk driving does but, it is still wrong and you did the right thing. Great job setting a positive and moral example for your baby!!!

Unfortunately, when you make a stand, you become unpopular among those who do not agree with you.

The fact that you are making a stand against stealing and for morality is going to make you unpopular with those who do not support that. You were showing great fortitude in going ahead with your decision. Your family should be supporting you instead of fighting you. Your brother needs to learn not to steal.

I know people who have chosen the opposite paths of their families and ended on a path of life without them. It's very hurtful but for your sake and your child's that may have to be the case.

Make sure you have a church and/or strong friends that support your position, so you can stand against the insanity.

If I were you, I would stay loving toward my family, and realize that you will be criticised and that's OK. They are allowed to have their opinion and you are allowed to have yours. Close the door if you have to, but try to be loving in spite of all of the hurt feelings.

In your case you were supporting your daughter's school and needed to get involved.

This is a hard subject to approach. As for myself, I love what little family I have, very, very much. I would do almost anything for my family...BUUUUUT, if I had seen one of my family members doing something very illegal, I would have to do the morally right thing and turn them in.
I'm sorry your family is angry with you right now. But you know what you did was right. Unfortunately, your family is paying more attention to their own personal "family ties" rather than the illegal action that was committed by one of their own. Best bet, is to let them stew over what has happened. They eventually will come to understand or will end up sitting in their own hatred for a long time. Family doesn't mean "back up each other through illegal actions".

Bravo!!! It took a lot of courage for you to do the right thing. Often times we overlook what our friends and family do in fear that we will be isolated. In order to raise our child to be honest, moral and trustworthy, we have to walk the walk and talk the talk. Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity and that we all don't just point the finger and blame others! It is time that everyone learn to accept the punishment for our actions! GREAT JOB.

A.,

Bottom line, if you know someone is doing something illegal, you turn them in. It doesn't matter if they are related to you, if you have children or don't...none of that matters. You did the right thing and you have to face yourself daily. No matter what the situation, you have to do what's right and you did...I commend you for it. Shame on those who oppose your decision to do the right and moral thing.

D.

Hang in there. You did the right thing.

You did the right thing...the hardest part now is realizing that everyone won't agree with you. Some people take the easy way out, but standing up for what you believe in & what you stand for, is being a great example to your daughter. You have to put your immediate family first-your kids! The example you set now is what they will remember.

Hi A. -
Way to go! As hard as it may be and as much as certain family members may disagree, if you tried to get your brother to ste up and do what is right and he wouldn't, you did the right thing. And your setting an example for your kids regarding standing up for your beliefs. Good job! I would do the same thing in your shoes. (I almost had to turn in my brother for violating probabtion, but he turned himself in.)
K.

The una-bomber was turned in by his brother, and aren't we all glad? Wrong is wrong, even when it's family. Good for you for having the conscience and back bone to do the right thing! You will sleep easier at night, and your children will be influenced by your proper example throughout their lives. We all pay higher costs for everything because of theft, vandalism, etc. I only wish more people had your courage and integrity. Don't worry about crappy people who would have you do the wrong thing, and are doing the wrong thing themselves; find good people to have in your life, who uplift you and share your standards.

Wow! You did the right thing. A difficult thing, but the right thing. I don't know how often you see your family members that are mad about it, but if they continue to give you a hard time, explain to them that you had to do what your conscience told you to do. That you are accountable for your actions, just as they are. That you hope they are mature enough to understand, but if not, you will be there for them when they grow up (regardless of their age).

I hope they are able to see your point soon. It is not easy turning in your brother, and even harder when family disaproves.
Blessings,

A.,

I don't really have any advise to offer you. However, I do want to give you my support for your decision. You did the right thing even though others don't see it that way. It is very important to show our children right from wrong so they can make good choices as adults. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself when family is involved as that cam be one of the toughest decisions to make.

P.

Hi A.,

That is a very difficult position for you to be in. Ultimately, every single person in your family knows that stealing an instrument (ESPECIALLY from a school--as it it can get worse) is wrong. At the same time, sometimes family members can feel that everyone should "stick together" and support even someone who is breaking the law.

What I would say to that is that it is possible to honor BOTH positions, but NOT by covering for your brother.

You said you tried to get your brother to do the right thing--and that, of course, is the best approach. A couple of ways to maybe address someone you are close to who is acting in an intolerable or harmful way would be to: 1) offer to go with him and support him in making it right (he would be returning the instrument or paying for it if he had sold it), and 2) let him know that, while it would make you very sad to do it, you will give him a chance but if he does not follow through, you will have to turn him in--you are a mother and need to model your moral beliefs to her.

You say there is a lot to the story you haven't given because of length. That means it is possible my suggestions don't feel doable to you. If that is the case, this might be a signal that it is time for some family counseling--even if it is just you who goes at first, find someone who works with "family systems theory" and can help you untangle the kinds of webs families get into that hold them stuck in dysfunction. If nothing else, YOU will get support from someone who has (I promise) seen it all!

Fiora

I think you did the right thing. I would have done the same. It is unfortunate that parts of your family reacted so inappropriately but perhaps that's why he thought it was OK to steal in the first place. Good luck to you.