My oldest turned 7 last month. We took 3 friends bowling to celebrate. We invited my younger son's friend N. along to keep him company. As N's mom and I were texting back and forth about the details, and as I was telling her not to bring a gift, she was asking what my son was into so she would know what to give him. I asked her to please not give a gift because we just really wanted N to come and play with my son. She said ok. My reasoning for that is because they have 4 kids already and appear to be struggling financially and I didn't want to make it any burden for her son to come play with my son.
She invited both of my boys to her daughters birthday party this weekend to keep her son company. Do I bring a gift? My thought is no, because I don't want to make her feel weird that I told her not to, but then I did it to her. But I don't want to assume that she feels the same way I feel, which is that it is more of a playdate for the boys. My boys (and I) have never even met her daughter and she is at least a few years older than them. I feel like asking would be awkward too, unless maybe doing as she did and asking what her daughter likes, and seeing if she says please don't bring a gift too. Or is that weird?
I really don't know their family which is why I am unsure how to proceed. If we were friends it would be easy, but we have only met a couple times. What would you do?
Thank you all, especially those who answered the question without judgement. Yes, I was being presumptuous about their finances. I didn't think I needed to write a novel explaining all the details that went into my decision. She told me at a different party that they were down to one car and couldn't afford to get the 2nd one fixed.
I also offered to drive him home from our party in case they might have transportation issues. Should that be seen as presumptuous, or considerate? Maybe she would have been able to pick him up. I don't know, but I wanted to make it easier for her.
I really didn't want her to bring a gift to a playdate that happened to be a birthday for a kid her son is not friends with. Maybe they could afford a present, I don't know, but I wanted to make it easier for her.
See where I'm coming from?
I am going to treat this as a playdate and not bring a gift. If she thinks we are rude for not bringing a gift, then so be it. Thanks for your advice.
A little something. Ask the mom what she likes, and then hit the dollar store or Ross Dress for Less or something and get a token gift.
Why not ask your son what his friend likes? Then go from there.
Personally, I would bring a gift.
I also would NOT have mentioned birthday when inviting N to the celebration so that no one would have felt obligated to purchase a gift. I would have said "we feel like going to the bowling alley tomorrow - can N go with us?" and let it go from there.
I would ask what she would like as a gift, then use her response as a guide.
My kids have shared parties the last two summers and some bring gifts for all 3 regardless of what I tell them. The kids love that, and it helps the boys get a little more since they aren't pre-teen girls with a million friends, like my daughter.
I would bring a gift.
Sure - something small.
I wouldn't take a gift, this is more of a play date.
I think u did the right thing explaining the younger were having a play date at the party.. if u feel like getting a gift I would ask what the other girl is into..follow the other moms pattern on that And be prepared to buy what she says
i think you're overthinking this rather drastically.
her son wasn't actually attending the party, just hanging out with your younger. she accepted your request for no gift without angst or handwringing.
your boys aren't being invited to the party, right? it's the exact same situation as you had last month. so why do you want to change the parameters that you yourself set up?
khairete
S.
The party host makes that decision, just as you did. Call her up and ask what her daughter would like. She will either give you an idea, or tell you to not bring a gift, and then you'll know and there won't be awkwardness.
Well you've set a pattern here. You asked them not to bring a gift a month ago. Now you're changing things up.
I would do what you feel is right or you're comfortable with.
You made an assumption that their son wouldn't have been able to make it had they had to buy a gift. Based on their financial situation. I think that was a little presumptuous - I think that should be left to parents to decide. We usually say we just want the pleasure of their company (or something like that) but I don't tell people what to do.
If you turn around and bring one, I don't think she'll feel 'weird'. She might think you're a little odd :) Like why go out of your way to stress not bringing one, then show up with one? I usually just do what feels right and not worry how it will go over. So trust your gut here. Good luck :)
I find it kind of odd you have made a big assumption about the finances of people you don't really know well. Aside from that you already set the president of not bringing a gift for the birthday person. So I say no gift. Why put them in a awkward position in how they think about you?
I'm just of a mind, if you want to give a gift, I should be gracious enough to say yes and thank you for your generousity. I never deny another from being a blessing to me and mine. Just like I wouldn't want them to deny me from being a blessing to them either.
So no gift on this one.
