Getting Son to Focus and Pay Attention

I would not try to change him. I would just follow him around. There's nothing unusual about this behavior, and he will probably grow into a very interesting person.

Ya know what, he is probably just a VERY creative person and VERY intelligent. Sometimes the creative types learn thing in a very touchy feely way and they just cannot stay on the same track as other people. Although you keep reminding him to stay in sight and pay attention, he just may not find it interesting. Especially at three it will be hard for him to get back on track. In the next couple of years you will find that this will get better but be sure when he starts dealing with teachers and such that you have teachers that get this personality type and learning style.

Another thing I did with my son (the same way and now 9) is got him in preschool. This really helped him with learning to follow direction and channel this creative energy. It is hard to deal with sometimes just because it is not the norm, but they are such fun people to experience you will find it is just great for them to be who they are. Oh yeah, and keep a sharp eye on them, they do get away quick. Good luck.

My youngest (now 13) was/is the same way: Very active, creative, imaginative, loves to live life to the fullest. I used a leash (harness type so his hands were free) and it worked wonders. It brought down my stress levels, lessened the tension between us, and gave him some freedom to explore that was safe. To this day he, and my other children, talk about how cool the leashes were.

Hi A. - ah, yes, I understand that well. It can be really frustrating because while the other kids are playing together and the other moms are visiting and having their mom-date, your the "wandering mom" following your son around. Personally, I get a little jealous of them! I think it is a combination of an independant temperament and simple training. I consider it my job at a playdate to stick to him like glue and help him to play within my boundaries and not his own. I dont get to visit as much but if it leads to a successful playdate, I'm happy. It's also the reason I limit our outside playdates to 45 min or an hour. Don't be shy about inviting the other moms to join you.

We're more successful on outside playdates if I offer more structure. First set the limits before the playdate -"Right now we are playing with the kids on the sand park. In a little while, we'll all go exploring together (or do another activity) If you run off where I cant see you, we have to go home and our playdate will be all done."

Remember, staying with you can't be the punishment, it has to be the fun part. It's also very hard and a little embarrassing, but if he wanders off, then you will need to follow through and end the playdate.

3yr olds respond better to positive reinforcement than verbal chastisement. After a few minutes of playing, before he gets bored, praise him for doing so well playing with the other kids and then offer another activity like pushing him on the swings or getting all the kids to play with sidewalk chalk or bubbles or bouncing a basketball or searching for bugs, or making an obstacle course etc.

Quiet times are the best times to talk to him about the dangers of running off - I'll bet the Berenstain Bears has a book on that.

Good luck - I hope you all have a great time at your next playdate!

Look on the bright side, you have a confident son who is not clinging to you for security. I would just keep reminding him you need to see him at all times and don't forget to reward him when he does stay in sight. I forget a lot of times to reward my son for being good, but it works. We had trouble with ours turning the water on in the back yard no matter how much we put him in time out, but once I started praising him every 10 min or so for not turning on the water the behavior was soon corrected. Something I've done with my son that helps is we "play peek-a-boo". When I can't see him I yell out peek-a-boo and he then comes with in my sight to say it back. It's one way of reminding him that I can't see him and brings him back into the area we are in.

Hello A.,
We have the same issues with our 3 year old son. He is definitely a "wanderer" and acts like there is no such thing as an "apron string". We have 2 older boys and never had this problem. We must be hyper-diligent when we go outside and even in our own home. He has busted out window screens in order to go on "walkabout" (thats what we call it :-)) and even escaped a very good daycare. So I have complete empathy for you. A side issue is that others who dont know our struggle think we are bad parents. Oh well...

The only thing that seems to work with our son is major positive reinforcement. An example is when we go to the mall, or another public place, we have treats (he loves chocolate, so M&M's work for us) in our pockets (or whatever) and any time that he is behaving like we want (ie; staying by us) we quietly hand him a treat and say "thank you for staying with us" and positive phrases like that. If he is having a bad day and just doesn't care about treats then we find a time out place and threaten him with using the leash (we bought it at Target and always carry it when we go out). I know some people think those are mean but our priority is his safety. He hates the leash so it usually straightens him out for a while.
I must admit, it is A LOT of work to get a system going that works for you and to get him used to it as well. But being very consistent, limiting going out in public places with him (short term), and just keeping him reminded of his responsibility as a kid to listen to you, will go a long way. BTW, we still don't take our 3 yo to restaurants :-)
Hope this helps. Good Luck!
Nikki

I am so glad you posted this because i also have a 3 year old son and am going through the exact same things that you are. I do think positive reinforcement is a good method, one which I need to practice more of with him. And I also second the response about putting him in preschool if you haven't already. I put my son in when he was 2 1/2 and it is helping quite a bit. He still pushes buttons with me but I see a difference sometimes. I even continued him in a summer program at the preschool to keep some continuity and structure and a routine for him as I do think it is beneficial. It is so hard to just walk into a coffee shop to purchase a cup of coffee without him running off. I have had him open the door and bolt into the parking lot. So I try to use drive thru's whenever possible and if I do go into a store I still use a stroller or shopping cart most times. Now if my husband is with me we will give my son more freedom if there is two of us to watch him but usually when I am just with him myself I keep him contained for safety reasons. Good luck and I keep telling myself this type of personality will serve them well in the future. It's just getting through it now!! A.

That's rough. I think at that age you might have to physically intervene to keep him from wandering. Whether you want to grab him every time he strays, hold his hand, use a leash or put him in a stroller. At that age I really don't think kids have the self control to fulfill a promise or to do what's right simply because they know why. Anyhow, as you restrict his actions for his safety or your sanity it will give him more incentive to focus.

My mom explained that when she was a tiny girl her mom told put her beside the tub in her new patent leather shoes and dress and told her to get in. She remembers that she wouldn't even have thought of it, but once her mom brought it up she couldn't resist, and of course she climbed in with clothes, shoes and all.

First off, DO what Colleen suggests. It's good.

On another note (or two):

You may have a tactile learner on your hands. He wants to explore, to see, to understand how things are working...he's a DOer, not a listener or a watcher. This is an important thing to know about him when you want him to learn something. If you want him to sit still you're gonna need to have something new and interactive for his mind each time.

This is a child that can easily be termed ADD because he doesn't want to sit still--he's a mover and a shaker, not an audience.

Watch for this in school. He may be better in a home school situation where you can be creative with his learning and allow him to quickly move through subjects before he's tired of sitting.

As another mom said, he's confident--that's GOOD. Try to develop his instincts rather than fear of strangers to help with boundaries and safety. Give yourself the space that allows him to feel like he's exploring but that you can move in on him quickly if he needs you. I'd suggest getting the book by Gaven de Becker "Protecting the Gift" You can go out to his website, too: www.gavendebecker.com

Trust your intuition and let him be himself. This isn't always easy because they tend to think for themselves and outside of the box early, they want to experience the why's and the in and outs...therefore they can be less compliant...they want to know HOW hot the plate is, they want to know HOW dark it is, they want to know just how bad does it hurt when we wrech on our bikes...they're a challenge BUT they are AMAZING and fun! They are go-getters whether or not you're in the way...so find a way NOT to be in the way but to guide and direct.