Getting Husband to Pursue Education

Dear S.,

Then stop trying to get him to go to school, he will go if and when he gets the courage. I know exactly how he feels - I felt the same way and only got started back to school because some friends were going too. After a couple of classes with them, I was able to go out and do it by myself. I was scared and insecure all the way, but the first part with my friends was what gave me the couage to be able to move ahead.

Also, my beloved grandson went back to school, and discovered that, he also, couldn't keep up with the required reading. Studying at home is a problem sometimes because of all that is going on. My husband put up a card table for me in our bedroom, and I closed the door when serious studying had to be done. Maybe school isn't what your husband really truly wants to do. It can really be a grind.

You are doing something that a lot of people do - me too - we 'borrow trouble' that is, make up something horrible that is going to happen if this and if that. Never mind and try to think a bit more of the good parts of his job - He has to make his own decisions, did I say that before? Sorry.

Also, you go right ahead and get your certification that is a wondrous skill that you have and you need to pursue it. Never mind if he doesn't want to take care of the kids - you have a 21 year old and probably someone closer to her age also. Two very good baby sitters, and you can pay them and reward them and thank them and love them and try to help them pursue their dreams too. So get together and talk it over, and start appreciating your husband for what and who he is. Take a look at him when he isn't looking. My husband is 81 years old and he is cranky and self centered and grouchy and stuff like that, and he is the light and love of my life. So, there you are. C. N.

I don't really have advice for you about your husband. I am a little in the same boat. My husband is in the carpenters union. He's topped out in the pay scale and he's only 35. I can't get him to go to school for something different, either.

I do really commend you though. I have a 6yr old daughter, who is profoundly deaf. She wears a cochlear implant, which is successful in helping her speech. I noticed that you live in Fremont. You are lucky to live so near a state deaf school. In Oregon the deaf school pays their employees to learn sign language. I'm not sure if CA is the same or not. If I were you and I lived close as you do, I would definitely look into it. Since you are already employed part time, outside of the home, maybe you could change jobs and try to get a part time job at the deaf school. Even as a substitute, they use subs for a lot of things. Office work, cafeteria, janitorial, teachers. This way you could still pursue your dreams and keep hubby happy too. Take any job they have just to get your FOOT IN! It's a state employee, they have excellent benefits.
Don't hesitate!! With school just beginning, now is when they should be hiring.
Good Luck
K.

S.,

Sounds like husband is very insecure. He is afraid to enhance his education and to getting back into a school setting. He is even more afraid that if you enhance yourself that you may not want him anymore or think that you are better than he is because you are not afraid to step forward. Heaven forbid if you manage to get a new job through your certification that makes more than he does.

My advice to you is to go for it. I didn't get to college until I was 31yrs old with 4 children ages 2-13. Check into childcare at the educational facility that you want to go or see if your 21yr old will help you out. If he won't back you, you will have to back yourself. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Now about him. You can't whip a dead horse. If he won't listen, work on preparing yourself for in case he becomes unemployed. Prepare in that you either will have to pick up the ball and run with it (another reason for you to get your certificate)or tell Adios. R. T.

Hi,
I am M. mother of three and one grandchild. I was married for 20 years. As you know you can not change anyone or anything but you can help them by letting them know that you will be fine and won't complain as your mutual agreement is for him go back and get educated more so he has more pull in his very changing company. Water education and water awareness is probably always going to be a secure job.
As for you, I was married to a man who refused to let me work and slowly approaching these subjects and taking more and more time to go back to school is the best way to handle this. My former husband was extremely threatened by me leaving my secure little place of always being at home. I slowly went back to school, and tried really hard to do work out of the home. Some men just can't handle not having complete control over the situation. I would suggest to him going to counseling to get your needs heard and aproach by saying our relationship works but I would like o to work better. Good luck!

S., I am not sure what responces you got, but there are a lot of cources offered over the internet. Some of them are certified and accredited.You can earn a accredition over the internet. I have been taking language cources over the internet and found them to be as good if not better than going to the local college. I lived in Italy and went to a language school. I have learned just as much over the internet.Considering no commute,no gas or parking, most of all not being away from the kids: its a win,win in my book.
Hope that helps- G. K

HI S.! How is it going with your request? I see it has been a while. I just read your note from August! Are things going more smoothly for you? D.

S.

I have a husband that I encourged to go for management with the company he is with, he would never go for it. I had to really listen to reasons that always seemed to justify why not. I have been with my husband for over 15 years and he has been is his same career for over 29 years. He likes what he does, but he never wanted to move up the ladder so to speak. Why? Men never want to admit a true reason. He is in a comfort zone. 10 years ago he was at a company for 10 years at almost the same rate of pay he was getting when he started. I encourged him to go to another company. He was very timid about it. I knew with his knowledge and experience at what he did in his line of work. He could make far more money than he was. It took a lot of lodgic to show him his potenial. Now with the new company (he has been at for 10 years)he is making 3x more that what he was. What he does scares me too, that the enviorment we works caters to a young crowd. Put also what is does it takes skilled people. Yes he does make great money, but when the opportunity came up, why did he not want to advance? The root of his real problem was that he can not spell real good. I tried to tell him a lot of people can not spell good. But that should not hold him back. I got him a hand held spell checker and other items. But he refuses to go for it. He is whiz at other things like math and building and repairing, the man could remodel a whole house and make it look like it was just built. He has just a knack for decorating too. But he lets his spelling hold him back. But you know in your heart of hearts what if he is not complaining then he is content. You must just let it go. But for you, you must let him know how important it is to you to pursue what you want to do. My husband stood beside me and encourged me when I wanted to change my career over 7 years ago and he now knows it was the best thing I did. Remind him that this is something that you need to do for yourself. If he still does not want you to do it. Then you need to take the steps to say, well I am going for it and with or without your blessing. Then just go for it. You can do it. Don't let his needs overpower your desires....

Good Luck.