Getting Divorced

It is very important to reassure her that none of this is her fault and that you love her more than anything. Tell her that you know this is hard for her and they are here for her no matter what. You can tell her that you know she misses her daddy but sometimes mommies and daddies can't live together. I hope this helps some. Good luck with everything.

J.

I have just gone through a similar situation. I feel the best thing to do is let the child know you two are OK! Talk to her a lot. Get her mind off of him leaving and put it on the new baby. Fill her with thoughts of being a big sister and all of the special things that come with it. If she says, I miss daddy, you say- I miss him too, but we are ok- just the two of us, and we are getting a new baby boy soon! I know it's hard. Just stay positive. Take every day one at a time, and tell yourself- 'this too shall pass.' I said that a lot and trust me I have come a long way. I left my husband in April, in May he had a new girlfriend, I was like wow- I thought we would get back together. I couldn't breathe, eat, sleep... But eventually the days got easier. I kept my daughter busy- dance, school, church, friends, family. She still ask for him and I call him ( he lives in another country) They talk and laugh, and when she sick, she cries for him. But i reassure her- We are OK! I ask her is mommy being a good mommy? She says yes, and I tell her, I am trying my best so we can have a good life. She says ok Mommy, then I focus her attention on something else. A movie, a book, sing a song.. Stick with it, it will get easier. I can tell you are a strong person, because instead of laying on the sofa depressed- you are up searching for help. I'll pray for you.

oh honey. i am so sorry for your troubles. its a hard time for a three year old to go through all of that. but the good thing is she is young. she is confused and doesn't know exactly what is going on. and you as her mother can understand that. just show her extra love and attention, cause this is a hard time for her. and after a while you will see that as time goes by and she gets more comfortable with the new changes in her life, she will calm down.

i understand that you are hurt by your husband, and are still in love with him, but you have to work through this. who really wants to be with a person that doesn't love you? and moving on, and showing your daughter that life is ok, and you can pull yourself through anything will help her in the long run.

i can see how you are struggling with being pregnant by this man who has hurt you so much, but this is not the baby's fault. you are pregnant and this is a joyous time. be grateful that you are now blessed with another child. and yes, times will get hard, and life will be tough, but you will have two beautiful children to go through life with!

i don't know your husband at all, but for someone to leave his pregnant wife and mother of his child for another girl, doesn't seem like much of a man to me. for this i can only say is if i were in your position i would wait and see how he wants to be involved in this pregnancy....and you have the right to name the baby what you want. no body can stop you on that. if he isn't interested in being there to do the things you think he should be there for you with, then that is his decision. you can do this yourself, and you will do just fine. just don't be one of those drama queen crazy women who try and force the men into being there for the baby, that only drives the men away.

and i know you can make it through this, the only hard part of all this is going to be the divorce itself.

good luck.

Sweetie, I will first tell you that prayer does change things. I got divorced about a year ago. I understand about wanting to help your child. There are so many things I could tell you but most of all; be smart in taking care of your and the needs of your children. If your husband has asked to be a part of naming the baby, etc then you have to decide that. However let me say this, if he is acting uninteresting in the children, also let him do that as well. I have learned that you cannot and should bridge gaps in cases like this. Your husband is an adult. It's like we tell our children; if your do something wrong you there are consequences to your actions. I would treat him the same way. You of course don't set the discipline like you would with a child, but eventually what happens is that the child "sees" that person for who they really are. My son and I have been thru lots of counseling and Divorce Care and we've learned so much. I would suggest you find a Divorce Care group some where near you. They also have Divorce Care 4 Kids. Those are the names of the actual groups. You can go online to www.divorcecare.com to find out if there is one in your area. I highly recommend it. I had been divorced years ago without a child, and looking back I wish I had been thru Divorce Care at that time. I would have saved myself from many, many mistakes I made. I don't know how I would have survived this divorce with a child without it, counseling, friends, family and most of all God. Hope this is helpful. I'll be praying for you.

Going to school full time, working full time, 3 yr old and one on the way.....sounds like your plate is full. I would try to find find good family and friends to lean on and help you out.

The feelings with your ex you'll just have to work through. He did a horrible thing to you. I would try my best however to get along for the sake of your daughter. Express to him how important he is to her and your concernes with how she's doing. However, personally I wouldn't let a man that did that to me name my child. Go with what makes you happy.

I highly suggest counseling for your daughter. WOW, her dad left, mom is gone alot for work and school and she's getting ready to have a sibling. She really has a bunch on her plate too. At 3 imagine the pain and confusion she is in!

You seem like you're holding up very well by the way you talk about the situation. My parents just got divorced and I feel like there would definately be things I would change about what's going on if I could. Like I would definately suggest never bad-mouthing your ex-husband in front of your children, and since they're young if he's a pretty good guy despite your break-up you should probably try to keep him involved in their lives as much as you can--as much as you can handle. Having a good father figure is so important to children even if he doesn't live with them, so hopefully you two can stay on good terms, be pleasant toward each other for the kids and both be very involved in their lives. I wish only that about my own parents. Good luck with everything. You sound like you're doing a wonderful job so far--you're children are very blessed to have a smart, strong and loving mother.

My heart goes out to you. I was in the exact same position a year ago--5 months pregnant and my husband decided he didn't want to be married--and had the girlfirend in place already.
It has been a very hard year for me to lose my dream of a "family"l, my brand new home, and deal with all the emotional heartbreak while trying to learn how to be a mom.
But what has helped me is to focus on what is best for my child, even if it is not what I want. He actually spent his first overnight with his dad last night, and I know he did great. But it was hard for me because I missed having him at home. And I worry about him in the future as he is "passed back and forth."
As for your daughter, try to keep things as consistent as possible, even if she only sees dad every couple of weeks. You may see some changes in her behavior. Be as honest as possible with her, but don't tell her all the "details"--kids don't understand that. Answer her questions if she has them, with just enough information to help her feel secure.
If he is interested, I think it is best to let your husband make decisions for the new baby because in the long run, this will help you guys be able to work together for the sake of your kids. I was very angry and hurt and did not care if he wanted to participate or not, I picked the names, set up the nursery, registered, etc. He chose to do nothing at that time. But once the baby came, he has become very interested in being a dad, and even though I still have a lot of negtive feelings toward him, I know that kindness and sharing is going to help me heal and be able to at least have a civil relationship with him as a parent for our son.
Do what works for you to learn to accept the situation for what it is, and to start letting go of hurt, angy feelings. Pray, meditate, get counseling--or whatever works for you. I don't want to hang on to the hurt, because I know it will effect my son's view of me. I want to be a strong, reliable person for him...not an angry bitter woman.
God bless you and take care. You can do it!!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation:( Except for the ending is sounds a little like mine. I have a two year old son and a 4 month old daughter...when I was about two months pregnant with my daughter my husband of then almost 5 years cheated on me. I didn't see it coming!! I knew that we were not the same as when we first met, but I had just attributed it to having kids now and being older. He told me that he was not sure that he wanted to be with me anymore, and that he needed time to think about things. My pregnancy, like yours, was planned; so how could he all of the sudden decide that he did not want to be with my anymore?? We seperated for a short time unitl he decided that he wanted to try to work things out. We went to counseling, which helped a great deal. Since we are currently still together, our son did not have the issues that your daughter is facing, so I can only imagine what you are going through! Even though it may be hard, my advice to you is to sit down with your soon to be ex and discuss your concerns about your daughter. You need to present a united front when it comes to her. After your discussion you should sit down with her and explain the situation in terms that she can understand. There is alot of help out there if you are unsure how to approach the subject with her.

As for yourself...I suggest taking things one step at a time. Your baby comes first!!!! When you think that you are ready it might be helpful to talk to your ex and find out where things went wrong, in his opinion. It might help you in understanding and getting over him.

As for the baby's name...I think you have earned the right to name him/her yourself!!!!!!!! But since he is the baby's father, he should be involved in other aspects.

Well, I hope I have been of some help. If you ever need to talk, I'm just an email away. Good luck with everything, and remember to take care of yourself. Too much stress is not good for you, or the baby!! I've been there!!

L.

Just wanted to tell you that I am a somewhat similar situation except I have already had the girls. We have now been separated for almost 4 years and he has not seen or supported the kids since we left. He too lives with his girlfriend. Pray about it girl. God will heal the hurt. Don't bad mouth the dad infront of the kids no matter how you feel. I don't know what to tell you as far as including him. Do you two have a decent relationship? Do you want him to help with those things? If you want to talk, vent, need a shoulder, whatever you can email me or im me if you are on yahoo at ____@____.com.

Have you considered getting both you and your daughter into some sort of counseling to learn to deal with your feelings of everything you are going through?

As for the one you are pregnant with, I think you need to sit down and discuss things with your estranged husband. This disucssion can give you some idea of his thought process and will help tell you a lot of what to expect as you move forward and get closer to the time you enter into the divorce proceedings. The more you two can agree, the better it will be on the kids and the pocketbook as contested divorces and custody battles generally as a rule of thumb tend to cost more and take longer to process.

If at all possible, your husband needs to be your friend. If he is willing to comply, you both need to talk with your daughter and reassure her she is loved by both of you. Divorce is the hardest thing to go through and pregnancy adds on more hormones. Depression is the easy way out and you seem to be strong so sort through your hurt and go to God. I spent most of my time with my two kids and reassured them we would be alright. You have one on the way now and he feels your pain so hard as it may seem try to focus on how happy you are with this little bundle of joy to add to your family. Read to your kids and spend all of your happy time with them to let them know it is not their fault you and Daddy are no longer together. If your husband wants out (truly wants out with no counseling) I would ask him to share responsibility with both kids as he is their father. The kids are the most important in this issue and you are their key. It is ok to be sad and share that you are sad Daddy is gone but reassurance and lots of hugs is the only key I had for my boys. I hope this helps and my heart goes out to you and your family.

The best advise I can give you is to ALWAYS, no matter how hard, put your childrens best interest first when making any decision. It is at times very hard to do. I think that is the biggest mistakes parents make in a divorce/break-up.

Youre situation is a bad one and Im truly sorry you have to go through it especially while pregnant with his child. As far as the name thing goes, he left you, yes its his kid too but you have the ultimate authority in the matter. Youre the one who got screwed over so do what you want to do! Hope this helps. Just remember hes the one at fault, not you!
--S.

L.,

It's hard to seperate from your spouse especially when you're pregnant but, if that's the type of person your ex is then you're better off without him. Someone WILL come along and except you and your family and appreciate what he has at home and not look outside the box for something different. I would not include him in the name of your baby or anything else except the cost of baby items. That is a privilege that he lost when he decided that he didn't want a family anymore. As far as your daughter goes I would just try to spend as much time with her as possible so her mind can be kept off of the seperation.