Getting Dad to Be More Involved

i was in the same boat just over a year ago with my ex, only he never took the girls. i finally got tired of the excusses from him and told him i wouldnt be calling him again, he could call me when he was ready to be a father again. i had to prepare myself for him not to see them anymore, and that was hard, especially talking with the kids about it all.it was hard on them for a while, but i never spoke unkind about him, all i told my older girls was he was trying to sort things out and get his life back on track.

it took 5 months, but when christmas rolled around, he finally called and began taking them.
i left it all in his court to do what he anted to. lucky for the kids, it worked out eventually.
good luck!

I didn't really read the other responses so i may be repeating myself. one thing i have learned from my current fiance (who is not my child's father)is that you can't MAKE a man be a man. especially a grown man. and you can't make him be a father. your boys are kind of at the age where they can make the decision on whether or not they even feel like being bothered by him. they probably go with him and don't even have a good time. i say you let the courts decide on how much he should pay. just him giving you sole custody is saying he doesn't want that responsibility. and i know that hurts because you feel he should be apart of their lives. and he should. when they grow into two beautiful famous men he'll have some regrets. not them. take care

The best thing I can tell you is to be the best mommy you can be and don't worry about what their father does. I grew up in about the same situation. My dad was totally out of the picture by the time I was about 3. I never missed him, never watned to be with him because of my mom. She eventaully married a man that was wonderful and we were all happy. I would tell you if he doesn't want to be a dad to them, don't make him. Good luck!

Hi B.! WOW! This story hits right at home with me. My daughter is 4 and her dad never calls her as well. We have been separated for almost 3 years. I got married about 2 yrs ago and my daughter loves my husband. That is who she calls daddy. My ex and I were never married (thank God) and he came around right at first just for awhile. Then just quit calling. She would ask to call him sometimes and we would let her try but then he had his number changed and no way to contact. I have been trying to get child support for 2 yrs now and he wont keep a job so he wont have to pay. He lives in Texas and now he is never involved in her life. He wanted me to let him take her to Texas for awhile and I said heck no. Especially since she doesnt even know him. I think you should not push the issue. It is his loss and he will regret it later. The boys will eventually not want anything to do with him. I know its hard! He never wanted to get her for the weekend before I met my husband cause then he didnt know what I was going to be doing. He was crazy! But seriously I would just let him be. Keep pushing the child support cause the boys deserve his help. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless You!!

You can't get anyone to do what they don't want and don't let the kids hear you trying to make him do things, they'll know he doesn't care to.
Stay civil and ask of him, don't demand. It's his loss, children are gifts from God sent to us to care for. God won't appreciate his lack of interest
____@____.com

By the sounds of it the kids would benefit more from the biological dad's rights being terminated. Especially since he isn't going by court order. Personally it sounds to me like he has already given up his rights. If that is the case then IF by chance you and your MARINE boyfriend decide to get married then the boyfriend can adopt them. My husband was in the marines for like 19 years and 8 months or something like that. Please e-mail me at ____@____.com and let me know what happens and what you decide. When I got a divorce from my firdt husband he was ordered to pay child support and all kinds of things. When he didn't we were still fighting in court and the judge terminated his rights so that my second ex husband could adopt my oldest. Eventually I see my second ex husband doing the same thing. If that is the case then my third husband will step up to the plate and adopt my oldest. She calls him HER DAD RICK and has since she was 3 yrs old. She will be 8 in May.

This sounds so like my life. It is so painful for the children whether they show it or not. You can enforce what the papers say about him taking them every other week if you want to spend the money and go thru the hassle. But I would not suggest it, let me tell you what I have learned, if he does not want them that is fine I don't make him take them, as if you do he may not treat them nicely if he doesn ot want them there. Eventually your boys will get old enough as my kids have and they will realize what is going on. I am remarried now and this was the best thing that could have ever happened to my kids their dad never calls them either comes to anything for school or sports or scouts but their step dad has really been a good thing for them, an me as well. I totally understand where you are coming from on the needing some time to yourself, but I finally just had to come to terms with the fact that I was not going to get regular breaks and not to rely on them and when my ex decided to take them well then it was a surprise to me ya know. Please email me if you ever want to talk seems like we are in the same boat. One more thing, I would be sure to keep track of how much he actually does take them so that if anything ever somes up, you want your new hubby to adopt them or whatever you have something to back you up.

I totally understand where you are coming from and the best advice I can give you is to not try. If you force him to do something the boys are going to suffer. He is the one who is missing out and maybe just maybe he will realize it one day. You say you have a new guy? Good go with it and enjoy it. When you have kids there is no time for yourself, it is all about the kids until they move out, you do start to get some time when they get older and go to sleepovers and again when they sart driving,but then your time is almost up with them. Enjoy it while its there cause if will fly by. If this guy really cares about you he wont want to have you give up your kids for a weekend just to be with him. Enjoy him after the kids go to bed. Trust me, I was married for 6 years and divorced for 9. I am fighting the visiting thing myself and my boys are 10 and 14. I met a guy and he never asked me find time for him with out the kids. He understood that it was a ready made family and we have been together now for 8 years. Never put dad down in front of them and never deny him the right to see his kids if it even is not his weekend. If he gave up his joint custody for sole custody to you he has made himself pretty clear how he feels but again you do not know what the future will bring so never deny him the right to see his children. You are lucky to even get any money at all. So many women get nothing. Forget him and the money and try to find a reliable babysitter when you absolutly need the time away. I always take my kids with me and always have just cause you never know if that day will be the last day you see them.
Forget the ex
Forget the money
Find a reliable sitter for those just have to get away days
Remember most of all:
IT IS HIS LOSS.... the loss of seeing his children grow up and the loss of someone who could be a friend when he needs it. (his children)

It sounds like your ex-husband has a girlfriend and she probably has her own kids. Either that or your ex-husband is in denial and trying to pretend that he is by himself with no responsibilities. Either way, you can take him to court and get him to either start taking a more active role in his kid's lives, or get him out of the picture permanently. He will make the choice.

I was not raised with my father around. I would not push the issue with him. Do you have other family memebers around that can help you on the weekends that he is supposed to take them. I would go that route. You don't want to push your kids onto thier father, when he does not want to be around. How would he take care of them, when maybe he doesn't even want to.... My husband and I were seperated for a year and I had the same problem. It's not because he wanted to be away from the kids he just spaced it out and had other things on his plate that he was dealing with. Keep your chin up and I would look for an outside source of help, so you do have time to yourself. Try the ymca and maybe close friends that can help you through this hard time. If you need to chat sometime feel free to contact me... Hope your day gets better.
A.

You can't force him to take the kids. If you even tried you would send a message to the kids that you wanted your time off whether they wanted to go or not. That makes you look like you resent the ex getting the freedom he has as a noncustodial parent. It's not freedom. I couldn't take my oldest one weekend because I had to work. My ex insisted and when I showed up in my uniform with my firearms in the truck he freaked. I told him I would be just getting off work but he was still upset and had my visitation revoked. He said my possession of firearms were threatening to him.

Things at dad's house may not be that great. But it's typical for children to blackmail you by saying theywant to go live with "dad" when they don't get their way. I did it to my mother, my oldest did it to his dad. I know you might like the ease in responsibility but you signed up for it when you concieved the children. Imagine what it would be like if their dad had died instead of y'all getting a divorce. You would be the only parent then too.

Lastly, take the kids to see their uncle. This could be the last time any of you see him. You can't be that selfish as to say I want to party with him instead of sharing the experience with your kids. Again think about what it would be like if you were a widow instead of being a divorced mom. You would take the kids then wouldn't you. No hesitation.

Lastly child support and visitations don't go hand in hand. If he doesn't pay then by all means take him to court but if he's just not visiting the lap up all the time you have with the boys now cause in a few years they aren't gonna want to hang out with either of you and it will be his loss not yours.

Don't push the dad into having the kids every other weekend if he doesn't want to. The kids would know it and that's bad for their self-esteem. Unfortunately they will soon learn that their father can't be trusted to keep promises (saying he'd call weekly but then doesn't, etc.) Him giving you sole custody really is a God-send since you get to call the shots now -- he can't come and ask for more time since he's given up his rights. You are being nice to allow him a standard every other weekend. I realize it's a nice break from the kids, but you might want to work on coming up with a back-up plan so when you do make plans for a childless weekend and he cancels at the last minute, you have someone else to take them for at least a few hours. Are there neighbors tha you can schedule play dates with or something? Relatives in town that can take them for a sleepover?

Regarding child support, remember that the amount given isn't a reflection of the amount he sees them. You deserve and need the (original) full amount -- if anything it would help pay for babysitters on the weekend you need to run errands sans kids.

Good Luck!
J.