Getting a 4 Yr Old to Listen

This is my problem exactly. Sometimes (like tonight), it's just downright embarassing the way my daughter does not listen to me. It's very disrespectful and I feel like people are judging my parenting.
I'll prob. look into that book. Also, I've decided to stop giving my daughter so many choices. Sometimes I talk to her like she's an adult, which she's NOT. Ok, one more thing- I need to be more consistant w/ the consequences. Sometimes I get tired of hearing myself threaten what I'm "gonna do." Prob. didn't help you much, but just letting you know you're not alone.
Nic

Hi S.,
I know that you must be very frustrated right now. Please remember that our children want to please us. When they are not, it is usually because something is not quite right from their perspective. For me, my youngest will begin to act out and not listen when I/we have gotten too busy and he feels disconnected from me. So maybe, your daughter's mother's day out time is making it harder for her to connect with you, I don't really know, but I thought it should be mentioned. For us, everything improves when I make the time to reconnect with him and slow down to listen to his needs.
Please try to look at the world from your daughter's eyes so that you might learn what is going on in from her perspective.
Could it be that she needs you to always go to her, and physicaly touch her, before giving an instruction so that she feels connected to your request? . . . This is only one possibility of many but it is up to you to decipher what your daughter is trying to tell you through her behavior.

Please remember, our children view themselves through our eyes. Here is an author and speaker whose approach might be helpful.
Alfie Kohn wrote a great book called, "Unconditional Parenting" He also has a DVD by the same name that is fabulous. (This is NOT permissive parenting)

Here is an excerpt from one of his web sites: Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" -- and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What do kids need - and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.
This approach is considered contoversial since it flies in the face of the standard advice but if you have a willingness to open your heart and read this book or watch his DVD with the thought that children are just trying to get their needs meet while pleasing us it may change your relationship with your child and your own childhood. It has for me.
My children are almost 12 and 16 years old and I can honestly say that this type of parenting is harder for the parents at times but ultimately wonderful in what it helps you create with your children.
Please be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone. We all struggle at times but the effort you put in will pay off in time. Keep me posted on how things go.

Take care,
R.

The method that seems to help best is time out...one minute for each year of age. Bragging on what a good girl she is when she does mind you and rewarding her when she minds. She will soon see that it is in her best interest and more fun to mind you. You have to be consistent in teaching her.

I was very afraid of my three-and a half-year old...and Hurricane Katrina just made matters worse. But I started to literally hug him and make him look into my eyes with that close physical contact...If we are in a car and he's acting up, I pull over and I hug him. It often feels like the last thing I want to do...but I think the physical contact makes him deal with me. And the fact that it's positive physical contact I think is helpful.

from anneliese j fox

Don't have long to respond - have a 4-year-old to get to bed. . .but read

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

Has helped us a bunch! Give choices instead of saying no, describe situations instead of yelling. . .very helpful.

Good luck!

If your child is ignoring you, get her hearing tested and get her evaluated by a pediatric developmental specialist. If her hearing is fine and her development on track, realize this, you have a very willfull headstrong child, and how you raise her will either enable her to conquor the world or make her very defiant! If hearing and development issues are ok, tell her that you cannot hear her when she wants something, do what she is doing back for just a few minutes and then act surprised when it bugs her..and tell her that you are only doing what she does. If she wants something, she needs to treat you nicely and listen. But, if she is truly engrossed in something, and tuning you out, well, patience is the only thing I can suggest!

Hello, my son is going to be 4 Oct. 12TH. I know exactly what you mean about the not listing to you. Johnny does the exact same thing to my. I have tryed the time out, I guess I need to be more consistent with it because I get a battle just getting him to sit in the chair. He yells and yells. I tru to ignore him but some days it realy becomes a chalenge to me. Hope you can get some good advice sorry I don't have any for you. S.

I know what you are going through......My son is 3 and he acts the exact same way. I have been trying to figure out the same thing because he ignores me when I tell him what to do. Time out used to work, but not anymore. If you get any good advice I would like to know myself. Good luck, it has to get better.

I have a 3 .5 year old boy and we were having that problem also. I started with time-out. This is something that you have to be consistant with. Put her sitting in time-out. Make time-out a certain chair or spot in the same place. Sit her down. If she gets up, put her right back. Even if you have to sit next to her for the 4 minutes she has to stay there, do it. Dont talk to her, dont look at her, pay no attention to her. Once she sees that you mean business, it will make a huge difference. Once you're consistant with it for a couple of weeks, you will notice a difference in her. She will be different. I have to tell my 3 year old 1 time to do something. Once he hears my stern voice and knows that I mean business or its time-out, he listens... GOOD LUCK!

Alot of good advice given. As the mother of a 2 toddler boys, I can understand the frustration and embarrassment you may feel. I have taken the new policy of "MAINTAINING LOW TONES". I simply explain what I need and give time frames like "As soon as I finish putting dishes away we will do blah blah..." I give them verbal warnings w/ acknowlegement of the rules if one is broken. I then explain "Next time = time out". I don't discuss or "argue" with my child - I state " You were give a warning - you broke the rules - Sit for __ minutes. I restart the clock if they get out of the chair. Yesterday was a great example of this - I used the chair 4 times in an hr, but didn't let myself "get into it" w/ my 4 yr. old. My 3 yr. old then decided to test and simply needed a warning. My day was much better in the fact that I didn't let my emotions get tome and end up in a battle of wits w/ a wee one! Deep breaths and consistency - Remember you are the parent and you are in control!

Dear S.,

My encouragement to you would be to get a copy of "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. This book really blessed our family. He goes beyond simple 'behavior modification' to a child's heart, or attitudes. It is a very practical, easy-to-read book. I found it used from www.amazon.com

Your daughter can learn to tune in and listen the first time. Hang in there!

Blessings,
R.

Supporting you as you nurture your family.
www.NurturedFamily.com

Here is a thought. Redefine what you want. Is the problem that she doesn't listen or she doesn't obey what you have asked her to do.
Make sure you are reinforcing the behavior you are wanting to see. One theory in psychology is that we only do what we benefit from. If there is a negative consequence we will stop doing it. For example and I know this sounds silly, but everyone would stop speeding if everytime they did it they had a swift and reliable consequence. After having to pay so much money in tickets every time people would stop doing it. Given the fact that we stand a good chance of getting away with it most of us take the chance. That is what we do when we sometimes give a consequence and other times we don't.

Consistency is the key and it is so difficult. Also, even giving attention to the bad behavior serves as a reinforcer. Seems like such a no win situation.

Try to catch her involved in behavior that you want and giving her attention and praise. Do your best to create an environment where you say yes more than no.
Research also shows that it can take the average person hearing something up to 500 times before something is internalized. As a parent we probably do that before lunch, unfortunatley it isn't with the same issue. That is where the 500 times gets us. One they do understand they begin testing boundaries. Don't we all want to do what we want to do? Try your best not to get frustrated as you can see that doesn't work. Don't expect to change everything overnight just pick one or two things to work on and I bet you will see a difference. Make sure you expect the changes to be small but working in the right direction. This same approach is used with training whales and two year olds. It really works check out the great shows at Sea World.
Good luck you are doing great!
S.

S...I just read your what happens next response...sounds to me like your daughter's behavior could be a result of her being tired. You said he gets worse as the day goes on. Does she still take naps? Can you maybe make a time during the day for some "quiet time" or maybe get her to take short nap? You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned consistency. I found that to be the hardest part, remaining consistent. But like I said above sounds to me like she is getting tired. Could it be she still needs a nap or an earlier bedtime?? Just some thoughts....good luck to you.

A.