quick back round we are both widows for years and 3 teen among us. Yesterday we went to there grandma 80th b day
(my mom sons granny) my son never even said hello to my boyfriend and we are engaged over a year how disrespectful.
Eneryone else is so social and friendly my son so cold how can we even think of marriage . we are ready to go house hunting and sell our current homes sounds impossible. Advise please!!
C.,
Teens can wreck a realtionship and make everyone miserable. Don't do anything until they are all in college and out of the house or on their own. I'm speaking from experience. True love will last.
Blessings.....
Have you sat down and really talked to him about it? About what he is feeling, why he acting the way he is and what he might be angry or afraid of? Is your husband to be acting like a strong authority figure, pushing his views and values on your son too fast?
Getting a stepfather is hard, and I speak from experience. It would have been much easier, personally, if my mother had not felt she needed to let me and my stepfather "work it out" without any help or guidance of any kind. We made it, but it was a hard row to hoe at the time. It sounds like you all need to do a lot more talking, this is not going to happen automatically.
One thing you should not do though is give up on this marriage because your son is having a hard time. I am so grateful my mother is happy with her new husband, working through my issues with him was well worth it.
It's not about the public image of how he behaves in front of others. It is impt that he is respectful to all adults, however. Take him out alone to a place he likes for dinner and ask him open ended questions (not yes no questions) about your fiance. Listen, don't defend. He needs to know you love him. And he needs to know that you are an adult and it is okay to remarry. Do you both visit the dad's grave on the anniversary of his death and does he sometimes come up in conversation - the son needs to know that you still honor his father. He is an adult - not a 6 year old. You can move on in your life.
As the other posters have stated your son does not see you as a woman only as mommy. He needs to realize that you are a woman and let it go. Enjoy your new husband. Your son will soon leave the nest and come around in time. You deserve happiness and don't let the boy ruin it for you.
The other S.
He is probably afraid of change, afraid of losing his only parent, even afraid of sharing his mom and home with other kids. Sit down and explain to him that his dad wouldnt want you to go through the rest of your life alone. Tell him BF is not trying to replace his dad, no one will ever replace dad. Discuss the changes with him and tell him you HOPE he will be happy for you, but that you ARE getting married and he doesnt have to be happy about it but he DOES have to accept your decision.
He'll get over it. Time for you to think about yourself and your future. He should be on his way to getting his own independence shortly. Don't allow you new man to try to discipline him because this will cause further strife. Sit your son down and explain to him that this man makes you happy and I'm sure he will realize that you deserve it and he will want it for you. Congrats on the upcoming marriage.
.
I agree with the PP that said once he is at college or out of the house, THEN marry & move in. It will make your life easier. He may still not come around to the idea quicker, but you won't be dealing on a daily basis with his behavior and disapproval. This "fiance" is making him view you as a woman, nit just "mom" and he might see this man as trying to replace his dad, even though he is deceased?
Teen boys are the worst at accepting a new man in mom's life. My brothers were both older when my mom re-married and they were never as close as I was to my stepdad.
It can be very difficult for a child, even a grown child, to accept when a widowed parent remarries. He does not have to be happy about this. It's important to remind him that now that he is an adult and expects to be treated as such, that he needs to recognize that you are an adult and have your own needs. His father is dead and not coming back, and there is no reason for you to live the rest of your life alone. Your son is an adult now and will be moving on with his life, making his own decisions and you need to do the same. Are his feelings that he feels you are being unfaithful to his father by remarrying, or is it that he does not like your fiance?
Good luck
Even at 18 he might feel as though he is being replaced. Talk to him. I am
sure his age when his Dad passed away might have something to do with
it. If he was a pre-teen or teen, that is a tough time to lose your Dad. Have
you tried counseling? Good luck to you all.
