Gender Disappointment

C., I know exactly what you're going through. I too, am the mother of two boys. When I found out my second was also a boy I was devastated at the thought I would never have a mother-daughter relationship. People thought I was crazy. You have to allow yourself to mourn that loss. Once my son was born, I couldn't imagine the world without him. My love for him overshadowed any disappointment I might have had.

Best of luck!

I went through the same thing when I found out I was having another boy (baby #2). Took several months to get over. I had my baby boy on 12/18...healthy, happy, cute as a button. It will go away once he is in your arms. My advice is if you do have a third, dont find out the sex. Because then it make it that much easier. I did not want to find out sex with baby #2 and my husband did so we did. I know if I would have waited for a surprise, I would not have cared so much.

I think it's natural to feel this way. I cried at my ultrasound when I found out I was having a baby boy (again). Once I held him in my arms, I was so happy he was here. He is such a neat kid, so I'm thrilled I have two boys.

C. ~ It is hard...when I found out my first was a "BOY" I thought 'what do I do with a boy??' - I came from a family of all girls, only babysat girls growing up.... NOW what??
After THREE BOYS - I thought I was DONE.......but let me tell you, BOYS are WONDERFUL - they are cheaper and when they are older - they love YOU even more!!! You are blessed to have your boys, love them, and enjoy them!!

Hi C.,

Clearly you're not alone in your feelings!! I've seen you've lots of responses but I'm still going to add my 2 cents.

I was so ashamed when I cried my eyes out at the ultrasound of our second daughter...I so wanted a boy. I felt terrible that I felt disappointed, this poor baby couldn't help being a girl! Now my nearly 5 year old girl and my 2 year old girl are best friends and absolutely adore each other. It's so normal to feel how you're feeling so don't worry for a second that you wont love this baby as much as you should because I'm sure you'll adore him!! I'm now pregnant on my 3rd and still hoping for a boy but even if it's a girl I think I'll be ok this time when I find out (Jan 15th will be the day of the scan..I can't wait!!). Siblings of the same gender can get really close and share so much together.

Best of luck,
M.

Being disappointed is allowed! Acknowledge it, forgive yourself for it, and then (when you're ready) move on to the excitement of a new baby. Of course you will love your new son a ton, and of course it would've been cool to buy all those adorable little dresses and outfits... :)

But two boys are fun, too! They'll be good friends (that's an awesome age difference!), and they'll scrap it out on their own a lot. They'll be adorably filthy, rotten and fun, and a handful at all times. They'll be mama's boys until the end, too. None of that inevitable teenage girl drama, as the hormones kick in. And you'll be the good guy, when they start to rebel against their dad!!! (I was AWFUL to my mom for about 8 years, but never gave my dad nearly as hard a time...)

Don't give yourself a hard time, ok? You're human, and your feelings are completely normal!

Be careful what you wish for. I would rather have 5 boys than 1 girl. Sure little girl clothes are are cuter, but little girls turn into a real teenage challenge. Besides your teenage son won't come home pregnant. I have a son and a daughter, if she had been born first I wouldn't have had another.

Hey C.,
give yourself a break...it's okay to feel how you feel. I am a Mommy of 5 boys! and to tell you the truth after baby #3 on the way home from the sono I cried(when nobody could see me)...I wasn't upset that I was having a little boy, I was sad I wasn't having a little girl...I don't feel guilty about wanting to have that relationship that I have with my mother with my own daughter. That's just something that would be nice, like winning the lotto...but the truth is I get soo irritated when people ask were you going for the girl or will you try for a girl, because I wasn't..I was having babies because I wanted babies...I feel so truly blessed and happy...sure at Easter I would love to buy a little dress..but look at how much money I am saving :)
Good luck C., enjoy those lil boys!!!

I know just how you feel. My best friend had 2 boys and tried for a girl the 3rd time but it was another boy. Happy to have a happy healthy little one but still a little sad. I had 2 girls and we always joke that the only reason I ended up with a boy was because pregnancy #3 was boy/girl twins. It's perfectly normal to be a little disappointed because you have a certain vision of doing things with your kids and how you would like life to be. It doesn't mean you love your kids less because they aren't the gender you want but it's still a little sad.

Oh boy do I know what you are going through.
I had a boy the first time (he's now 17!) and I wanted a girls o badly the second time because I thought I wasn't going to be able to have any more....I had toxemia with both of them.
When I found out it was another boy, I literally cried....in the delivery room. We didn't know before he was born what we were having.

I didn't get to go to my 6 wk check up, and didn't get to the doctor till he was 10 weeks old. Well, I had a very difficult time bonding with him. It felt like he was my nephew or something... I loved him, but didn't feel like he was "mine".
At my check up, I talked to the doctor about it, and told him i couldn't have any more and he said "Why not". When I said, I thought he'd tell me not to because of the toxemia and c-sections, he said there was no reason I couldn't have anymore.....
After that, I felt better and I started bonding with my son.....he is now 16 years old.

I did eventually have a daughter, who is now 10. Yes, I really wanted a daughter with her too, my husband wanted a boy, but he adopted my two sons a few years later and he is very happy with all of them.

My point is, don't sell yourself short. Ok, so you don't have a lot of money, no one does.I've always been told that if you waited to have kids till you could afford it, you'd be a grandparent.LOL
Well, I am becoming a grandparent in May, and we still can't afford it! Not only do we have our 5 kids, my son's girlfriend is living with us (because of the pregnancy and problems at home.) We will also be supporting the new baby when it comes.
I am a stay at home mom and can not work, so my husband is the only income and he is able to cover everything..... there are days we feel like we'll go under, but the bills get paid.

give yourself some time. Don't convince yourself that this is your last one.... yet. You may decide later that you are done. But don't do it until you have to. Know that the option is there if you want it.
You will be able to relax and you will love this boy as much as the first one.

Who knows what the future brings? You may get a surprise someday and get that girl you always wanted..... and even if you don't....remember, when your boys grow up, you'll get 2 daughters when they each get married..... you'll still get your girls.

Hi C.,

I know how you could be disappointed. But, just maybe you may have one in the future or even adopt one day. The boys could grow up together and hopefully be very close. I know I was disappointed when I had my first child and found that is was a girl, but know she is the best thing that ever happened to me. :) Once you see that little guy you will feel different. :) I did, and most people do. Good Luck! :)

Hi C., I have a boy and a girl, so I can't comment on that. However, I am 45 and I can tell you that you will have girls in your life. Your son's girlfriends, then their wives, then your grandchildren, girls and women you choose to mentor who may not have a healthy, loving woman in their lives. I do know it is not the same, but it does help for us women to view our lives in the broader, longer term rather than focusing entirely on what isn't happening for us right now. (I speak from experience on this!) Like some of the other women said - - you don't know what the future holds, so just enjoy very much what you have now so you don't have to look back and wish you did. (I speak from experience on this too!) Much love to you and your beautiful family

I have an 18 month old boy and we're thinking about trying for #2 soon, and truthfully, I'm hoping for another boy! Just think, brothers have an amazing, unique bond. I have 2 brothers who idolize eachother so much, that sometimes I almost feel left out! There are lots of bright sides- hand me downs, same gender toys, brotherly love, acceptable wrestling, baseball games, fishing, football, all of those things! (Befored I offend anyone, I know girls can do those things too, just trying to cheer you up.) And take it from a former nanny, boys are so much easier- in my opinion!
My neighbor said something to me one day that I found kind of upsetting. She said her family is "perfect" now that she has a boy and a girl. Just pray for healthy children, no matter what gender. That's all that matters! :) Congratulations!! Have fun!
Lynsey

I know what you mean, well kinda. I have one of each but when pregnant with my second I really wanted another girl. So when I found out I was having a boy I was a bit dissapointed. Now four years later I am so glad I had a boy. He has the best disposition. He is super snuggly, more so than my daughter! He is such a mommas boy and has the best sense of humor making every one in the family laugh.(kinda reminds me of a mini Jim Carrey) He is everything this family needed. I guess what I'm getting at is that you should give it a while and you will come around. Your children are very young yet, just wait when they are older and their personalities shine through. You'll see just what I mean about them giving your family just what it needs. Boys are wonderful. I know you said two is about all you think you can afford(I know what you mean) but never say never! Who knows what next year or the year after will bring huh?!

Hi C.,

I am the mom of 2 boys, ages 4 and 5, and I was very disappointed when I found out that I would never have a girl (we were also "done" at two). I could not believe how cold and unsympathetic some of my friends were as I worked through the grief of realizing that my dream of a daughter would never be realized. They would say things like "Oh my God, how can you be complaining about a healthy baby? You are so ungrateful!" I think what they failed to grasp was that I was not in any way disappointed about my healthy baby boy. I was then and still am in love with both my boys. At the same time, though, I was grieving a baby girl that I would never have. Is that greedy? I don't know. But my feelings were very real and very pervasive. Now, the good news. It passes! For a year or two after I had my younger son, I would well up every time I saw a little girl or walked through the girls' clothing department. But after awhile, those feelings passed. I am now a very happy mommy and not only do I have two beautiful sons, I also have two beautiful god-daughters. My boys are the best of friends, and I now feel lucky when I see my friends who have one of each stuggling with how to entertain them both when he wants to play trucks and she wants to play princesses. On a side note, I would strongly recommend NOT trying for a third child unless you really want a third child, regardless of the gender. It may very likely be another boy (chances of the third being the same sex as the other two are very high). Hang in there, try to count your blessings (less drama!), and congrats on your growing family.

This may not help you, but in my mind I can compare your story to my best friend who always wanted a girl. Her first baby was a boy. Her second baby was a boy. Her third pregnancy was twin (fraternal) boys! She had hoped for at least one girl out of 4, but accepted it was just not meant to be. Most importantly, they were all born healthy, which is the most important, and she still loves all 4 to pieces!

C.,

Let me start by saying you're not wrong for the way you feel. Your feelings are natural. Not many people will admit what you're saying for the fear of someone else might think of them. So I admire you for your honesty.
I felt that way too. I went for my first sonagram and when they told me it was a boy, I wasn't as happy as the 'people on T.V.' so to speak. But I came to realize that everything happens for a reason. Then, we got pregnant AGAIN unplained and I thought this is waht God wanted; this is my baby girl. I patiently waited for 5 months, carried totally different, listened to the doctors tell me it was most likely a girl because the heart beat was so rapid, etc....I went for the sonagram and BAM! It's a boy, AGAIN!! This was the part where I actually cried in front of the nurse and my ex-husband in sheer disappointment. He's my ex for a reason and I knew that reason long before I got pregnant the second time. So knowing it was failing and finding out that baby #2 was another boy strickened me with saddness.
Here's the happy ending part....I'm a single mother of two perfect kids. My boys love their momma. It's going to take you some time to realize, but I'm confident you will, that your boys are perfect for you and it was meant to be. I feel your pain and there are times that I wonder if I could possibly have one more, then I say to myself, " He gave me what I can handle and I probably could only handle one female in the house, ME!"
Keep your head up sunshine and if you need to talk, you know where to find me.

Hi C.
Congrats on your lovely family!!
Feelings are never wrong, they are after all your feelings, and therefore a fact.
It is never over til it is over, here's our story:
We had 2 boys too, and they were great. I had a great time with them. We did sports, trucks, and boy stuff. They grew up and in fact our oldest was in college, and our younger son was 13, when I got the desire of my young heart, but certainly didn't know it. I thought I was ill.
Fact, I was pregnant with twin girls at age 39, and once that was established I realized that God really does give us the desires of our heart. They were born at 37 weeks after a week in the hospital and 19 weeks of bed rest. They were born healthy and strong, 5'11" and 6'8" after my 40th birthday. Today after years of homeschooling, they are in college.
I never thought it would be but we too only thought we could afford two. We only had the three at home for a short time, and never 4(except one Christmas). Amazing how things happen.
God bless you and all you do
God give you peace to look at the present and enjoy.
K. --- SAHM married 38 years-almost empty nester ---- adult children 37 coach, 32 lawyer married and our grandson is 4 months old, and 18 yo twin girls. One majoring in fine arts, and the other journalism(she decided to commute. Was it starting over, never looked at it that way. Was it hard, twins are always more difficult. Were girls or boys easier? Well, one of our boys was harder than both girls as infants, but our girls had more issues as teens, I will do boys any day. Do I know that God gave me the desire of my heart? YES, beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I love them all. Couldn't ask for nicer kids. They are not perfect, but we are not either, but so far they are making good choices, and each is living with those consequences with joy

Hi C.,
I haven't read any responses yet, but I sincerely hope you've gotten nothing but support and no judgement. First of all, I know exactly how you feel. I have two boys and am expecting baby #3 any day now. We didn't find out the gender of this one, but I'm pretty sure it's another boy. It honestly never occurred to me when we first started our family that I might never have a daughter - I just took it for granted that I would. It's been a hard road coming to accept that my dream of having a daughter is likely coming to an end, but I got some very good advice that I'd like to share:
* You're human; it's perfectly normal to want to have a baby of a particular gender so it's perfectly normal to be disappointed if that doesn't happen.
* I want a daughter because of the close bond I have with my mom. However, just because you have a daughter, that doesn't guarantee that you and she will have the close relationship you might dream of, and who's to say that you can't or won't have that relationship with one or both of your sons?
* As much as I want a daughter, I often find myself rolling my eyes at some of the things little girls say, do, or want to play with. Knowing my luck, if I have a little girl, I'll get the annoying one that I roll my eyes at.

I hope this helps; just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. Talking to a therapist worked wonders for me, if you still feel disappointed after the baby is born, I would strongly recommend seeing someone.

Good luck!

Take it from a mother of 3 boys, 12, 13 and 15, boys are great! Sure I wanted a girl, but now that I have these three great young men, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Just think....you'll never have to share makeup, or clothes! And there's nothing like young men around the house to do all the heavy work! And my boys are very affectionate and even show it in front of their friends. I feel I'm truly blessed and so will you! M.

First I would like to say that it takes real courage to post what you did, and I love that everyone gave you supportive responses! I loved reading them. (You never know how people may react, but its so important to be supportive!) Good job Momma's! :)
I'm not in the same position but I have to say I was expecting a boy, and when I found out I was having a girl I was a little shocked and it took a bit to accept that. For some reason I just didn't see myself with a girl! She is the greatest gift and I couldn't picture it any other way now!... So realize your feelings are normal, and just accept them. Things will work out how they are meant to be.. I just recently read an article in either Parents or Parenting on that topic.. Maybe you can search for that?
Good Luck!

Hi C.,

All I can do is tell you my story, which sounds so much like yours. When my husband and I married, he already had a 6 year old boy. So, we decided to start our family right away and exactly a year later had my first boy. I wanted another child (actually I wanted 4) but we were very concerned about finances. I didn't think we could afford another one, but 2.5 years later we had another little boy. I loved my boys like crazy, but mourned for the daughters I would never have. My husband didn't want more kids, no one in his family had made a girl in 40 years so he figured what is the point in trying, so I just accepted the fact that I would never have daughters. But there was a deep longing in me to have a girl.

Three years after my second son was born, our surprise girl was born. What joy she brings to the family, but the story doesn't end there...25 months after she was born, we had another surprise daughter! Two boys and then two girls. Our family was perfect! BUT...God had other plans...I'm now 7 months pregnant with our 3rd girl!!! She'll be born 26 months after her bigger sister. Another surprise of course...it doesn't really matter what you do for birth control...if you have a uterus, God can and will give you children whenever he wants! We have learned that birth "control" is such a farce...we're not in control!

Now...financially it has been hard...I've been a stay at home mom since my second son was born 7 years ago...we have made sacrifices and now own a single wide trailer outright...not the home I imagined for my family, but you know what...the kids love it and we are building an addition in the spring to accommodate the new baby and give the older kids more space. How many people can say they live in a new home that is completely paid for? With all of the financial turmoil in people all around us, we never have to worry about losing our home. There is nothing better than that. If you want another baby after this one, it can work financially, if you are willing to sacrifice. I pick up side jobs when I can and have a small home based business that I work when I have the time. It is always just enough...and that's all we need. We do all of our clothing shopping at outlet stores...my kids always wear high quality, fashionable clothing and shoes...we just don't pay an arm and a leg for them. There is always food in our cupboards and plenty of toys. Life is good. I'm living my own American Dream!

Anyone can afford more children, so don't let that be the reason you give up the dream of having a daughter. You've got time! You can have your daughter yet, or 2, or even 3!

Hope my story gives you hope! I very clearly remember the sense of loss I felt when I thought I wasn't going to ever have a girl. I think all moms probably have a need to have a girl, just like all men probably would have a son if given a choice. Have faith!

D.
mom to 5 with one more on the way

Little boys are so much fun.... they really are!!! They have such a fierce love for their Mommas! Of course they love their Daddys too, but there is a very special connection between mothers and sons. I have been blessed with two wonderful sons, who have grown up as each others best friend. They are very close and have a great connection of brotherhood. I was not blessed with a daughter, but I am a "second mother" to my nieces and Goddaughters, so that fills that void for me. My sons are now teens and I enjoy having my one son's girlfriend around. She is a delight and has been a huge influence on my son becoming much more outgoing. I look forward with great anticipation to future granddaughters if they happen to make an appearance, but if I'm blessed with only grandsons, they will be much loved by me as well. My favorite time frame of my entire life was when my sons were 12 and under. They were precious stuff.... full of fun, laughter and such love. I enjoyed every minute of their childhoods and though they are pretty grown up now, many nights, I have dreams in my sleep about when they were little! I love those dreams.... they bring back all the fun days that my husband and I shared with those two delightful little boys. They are still lots of fun now too, but I sure did enjoy those wonderful baby days and childhood years. Enjoy each precious day, take lots of photos and be sure to read to them every single day. Best wishes,
D. N xo