My BF and I are in our late 30s/early 40s. We have been together for over a year and live together. We may eventually marry, although I will not until his financial obligations, including to his ex are complete (no more child support, health insurance, or other financial entanglements.) They were married for about 7 years, and he adopted his ex's 2 children. They have been divorced for 4 years, and it did not end on good terms--she ran off with one of his friends. She has continued to be a burden-asking for money despite the fact that he pays far in excess of the court mandated child support. Currently, she is somewhat quieter, because she has a BF herself, but she calls when she wants something-including him to continue to pay her health insurance and-get this-to pay off her $20k debt...that she ran up at the hands of the man she left him for! Seriously?!? My BF's mother was never close to her, and the grandchildren are both over 18. Just recently (within the last 6 months), the ex has started inviting the "MIL" for holidays and other "non-special-occasion" events...and she goes...despite the fact that my BF has told her repeatedly that it upsets him and be wary of her--undoubtedly she wants something. (His child support runs out this month--YAY!!--and she refuses to work full time and is always broke. His parents are a little "daffy" and would be easy marks to get $$ out of--she's already started whining about her "problems". The financial issues are complex, and we believe that she is trying to gain information to try to get more money.) Every time there is a holiday or a special occasion for US, his mother plans something with the ex. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines Day (yes...Vday...), and, latest, Easter-which was also our anniversary. We tried to have a weekend getaway, and the "MIL" called/texted more than 20 times per day for an entire weekend (no exaggeration...we counted) My BF was anxious and in a bad mood because of her all weekend (she played all kinds of emotional games to try to upset him.) I finally had to put my foot down on Easter Sunday and insist that he either "fake happy" or stay home, because I had to celebrate Easter with/for MY elderly mother and that there were other people in this world besides his mother...little did I know that the REASON he was so pissed off during our getaway was that his mother had decided to celebrate Easter with his ex...instead of her own son....despite the fact that he has repeatedly told her how he feels about it. She also called about an hour before Easter dinner and tried to lay on the guilt to get him to entertain his 12 yr old nephew, who she was babysitting...and, I guess, miss Easter dinner. (The last time she pulled this, he "cut her off" for 3-4 weeks--and, for a woman who routinely calls 4-6 times per day, that was dramatic! And you would have thought she would have gotten the point....) I found out about this whole drama a week later and put my foot down--he has a very large, intrusive family (note the nephew needing babysitting, 2 kids..not to mention that I had to spend Valentines Day with his aunt, and have to cancel/reschedule my BIRTHDAY because his brother-who lives 3 hours away and hasn't visited in a year-is visiting.) and I resent her trying to cause trouble on our anniversary, ESPECIALLY if it was just to spend time with his ex-wife. I am, in part, upset about the connection to the ex--it's one thing if the "MIL" doesn't feel close to me, but the ex is "dangerous" from a financial standpoint and I do not want information regarding MY/OUR financial situation getting back to her (and getting her hopes up that she'll be able to squeeze another nickel out of anybody!) I am also upset about his mother's repeated attempts to cause drama and draw attention to herself during special occasions....I foresee a lifetime of drama as long as she is around. (To be honest, I'm actually kind of happy I'm "rescheduling" my birthday, because, hopefully, she won't "see it coming" and be able to create drama!)
A couple of points that may have been missed here--as for 'live in honey'...he lives in MY house. I don't have complicated financial connections with anyone or anything...unlike the rest of these people. And let's not forget that these kids are GROWN--so they can drive THEMSELVES to grandma's house anytime they want--or don't want to, so she doesn't require the ex to see them. And let's also not forget that this woman is spending time with the ex-wife INSTEAD OF seeing her own son. And as for the question about how I feel about the kids--they're fine. They're likeable ADULTS. I don't have some sort of parental bond, considering they're ADULTS and have (MULTIPLE) parents. The only 'parental' role I have is in academic and career advice--since I frame of reference that virtually no one else in their lives do. The real problem is, honestly, with BF--if he made events or special occasions special for US, these 'slights' wouldn't sting so much--wrecking our anniversary wouldn't be so bad if we could NOT travel across the country on VALENTINES DAY to spend time with his aunt. Or if I could celebrate my birthday ON MY BIRTHDAY despite what his flakey brother wanted to do. Interesting perspectives on this website--and obviously I'm not the only person who stresses about these things--but clearly we ALL have our 'emotional goggles' on...sometimes we agree because of situations in our own lives...and sometimes we attack because we probably sympathize with the other party--BECAUSE WE'RE JUST LIKE THEM. (But, despite my attempt at "zen" reflection...I'm still planning a battle of the "fantods"...every time MIL causes trouble or demands something, it's going to be AMAZING how my car mysteriously breaks down or I don't "feel well"...two can play at this game!)
This is just me and I'm not giving you any advice about what YOU should do . . . but this guy would be OUT of my life.
I'd rather spend my time and emotional energy on just about anything else than an overly enmeshed, co-dependent family.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt - don't need to go back.
JMO.
AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
Best wishes....looks like you know what's ahead and are will to take a chance.
Your boyfriends mother doesn't like you and you don like her. Given his history if you go forward with marriage, can you see what you are in for?
Mother's are forever, girlfriends and even wives come and GO!
I can't even bear to read your whole post. Your boyfriend is the father of these children and his mother is their grandmother. They are no less special because they were adopted. The ex invites grandma to special events to see her grandchildren and you have a problem with this? Did you think it wouldn't be complicated with a divorce and children? You are a live in honey, you have no status here, be gracious as possible and try to get along.
I was once given an very sage advice...you can't control what others do/say, only how you respond to it. Corollary is...you are responsible for your actions, not anyone else's.
There is a lot going on here. Each person is responsible for their actions and reactions. People do not change because it upsets you or you want them to change, even your BF.
Ultimately, you have to let the burden/drama go either metaphorically or literally. While you can control or change unacceptable behavior of others, you can choose your own situation.
Good luck!
I would not continue to let him live with you unless he attends counseling with you. He has REAL problems with his family's boundaries. If he doesn't learn to stop letting his mother intrude all the time with these calls, you two will end up divorcing one day. Why he doesn't turn off his cell phone when he is in the middle of visiting someone, I do not understand. And neither should you.
He shouldn't be discussing his financial situation with his parents. If his ex sweet talks them into giving her money, that is their fault and their son has warned them.
More than anything, I think that what very well may happen later on is that she will use them and then they will come to their son in need and expect him to financially support them. Because he cannot say no, and they don't have trouble butting into his life with both barrels, this is a train wreck waiting to happen.
You see all the warning signs. You're trying to put up roadblocks. I really don't think you are going to be successful. If he doesn't really see the light during counseling and decide HIMSELF that he is done with this stuff and put his foot down, then you should ask him him to leave and sever your relationship.
Regardless of the Whys for your boyfriend's mother's decisions, or any weird manipulation on the Ex's part, or what your boyfriend allows to happen - this is the realty of your life situation.
If you're going to stay in the relationship, you have to learn to accept it for what it is and stop getting worked up about how you wish it was. You don't have the power to change others, so you just need to decide what kind of life you're willing to put up with.
So you're upset because your rude and dramatic potentially-maybe future MIL isn't coming to visit?
I wish my real life MIL would go spend the holidays with anyone else!
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from your SWH, I guess that if we don't agree with you, then we must be just like "them"?
You're right - why focus on yourself and your own mental happiness? Get in there and sling some mud with the rest. Fight dirty! Manipulate! Whine and cause drama! That'll teach 'em! :)
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oops - totally my bad. Nobody welcomed you to mamapedia. Welcome! Great first question.
I'm so sorry you are having so much trouble! I think you know that your BF just has to put his foot down, make rules, and stick by them. Possible rules for "mom": no more than 2 calls/ texts per day (others will be ignored/ not read), no interrupting a getaway weekend or a birthday/ anniversary - unless somebody died (any calls/ texts will be ignored/ not read), tell her to be way of the "ex" and then tell her she will have to suffer the consequences if she ignores his warning (and he will NOT bail her out), if she causes trouble in ways that cause problems, she will be "cut off" for two weeks. BF needs to put his current family in front of his childhood family - no questions. Help him make the rules, and help him carry them out (maybe hide the cell phone while on a getaway, with only a check on the messages once a day or so). Good luck!
Wow. This seems like a lot to take on. There is an ex, stepchildren, and a crazy mother in law. Do you have any bond with his kids? You only mention them in terms of the $$ strain they cause. Even if they are 18 hopefully their dad will still have a relationship with them.
Yep, your bf's mom is a lifetime of drama. Figure out what you really want and how much you can take.
Your bf needs to decide what do do about her. It's painful and very difficult to cut your mom out of your life but it has been done before. She is jerking him around, hanging out with his ex. He needs counseling to get a clearer picture of his options. Poor thing.
