What Are the Boundries?

K.,

See, the thing is, this woman IS part of the family. Just because there was a divorce does not suddenly mean she should disappear. Yes, it was her choice, and not what your boyfriend wanted, but that is the situation. Despite the choices, good or bad, all these people are still her family, too. It might be different if there were no children, or perhaps if their marriage had only lasted a year or two.
I am part of a family in which the matriarch told me, "Once you are part of the X clan, you are ALWAYS part of the X clan." One of the sister's x-husband still was invited (and attended) Thanksgiving, Christmas, cookouts, etc. In fact, I am no longer with the person (long story), but still very much part of the family.
I hope you and your boyfriend can find peace, and understand that this woman needs love and family support, too. I wish you all the best, and encourage you with your lovely family.

K.

I'm on the other side. My sons dad and I were never married, and only together for 3 years, I got pregnant and he left me. I'm EXTREMELY close with his parents and he is not so much. They often fight. I'm so close with his family that they let me and my move in while I finish school and get a job. They pay for everything, while their son still pays nothing in child support. They have been as wonderful and supportive to me, just like my parents have. I feel guilty when I miss family parties, even though it's not my family because I feel like I am a part of this family. We are bound for life by through my son, and we all do get along and care about each other. My sons dad's significant other is not so happy about it. She is ALWAYS telling me how I'm not a part of the family, and she is marrying into it and I need to get over her soon to be husband and get out of the family. My relationship with his family has nothing to do with wanting to be with him, or anything like that at all. Him and I have a wonderful relationship, we talk often and I know if I was really in need of help he is there. BUT I also know that we aren't meant to be together. She doesn't truely know how close him and I are, it would greatly upset her. I try so hard to be nice, I skip family parties to "make other plans" every now and then just so that she can feel more of a part of the family and I'm not pushing her out. It's very hard, but living with his parents is truly my only option right now. And I was here before they ever met. We weren't together for over 2 years before they met, and I wasn't the reason he had so much trouble with his parents, and none of their fights have anything to do with me. So from my side, the ex-law, I don't feel guilty at all for being a part of a family that has wonderfully accepted me. I do feel that I am a family member and should be at all the parties. My sons dad and I agreed long before they ever met that all holidays and family birthdays would be celebrated together, no matter who else was in our lives, because family was important to both of us. When I ask him, he says it doesn't matter to him if I'm there or not. So I go with no guilt. I know it must be hard to come into a situation like this. I could not imagine myself. I think I would have to look at it more like a sister or another aunt or relative rather than his ex. I personally wouldn't stop going to family parties just because my sons dad's fiance doesn't want me there. I understand it's hard, but we are both a part of the family.

Maybe you can become as much of a staple in the family as she is. Make nice. Really nice without being sucky-uppy. Its hard to see an ex around all the time but you are the number one woman in his life. Be affectionate with your boyfriend to make him feel like there is someone on his side. Be nice with the ex, and the family. You need to be peacemaker and devoted girlfriend all in one. Its a hard situation but if you make this work it will pay off.

Well... from the side of an ex-wife. I am divorced and I have 2 children from my marriage. I am not close to most of my ex's family, and my ex husband is not a very reliable father. But I am gracious to my ex-inlaws and I am friends with my ex-husbands sister. I know alot of times I have done things to make life easier on my children. And trust me I have gone way above my duty. But it was all done in the best interest of my children. My ex-husbands sister lost her son, I hadnt spoken to my ex husband in 7 months (nor had he seen my children), but I helped set up the dinner after the service, of which I sat at the same table with him and his gf (and our kids).. for my ex husbands birthday, he spent it with me and the kids and MY BF !! I even bought him a birthday cake. Did I mention that we even sang happy birthday to him.. LOL Once again for the benefit of the kids.. maybe his family goes over board, I wish that my mother in law was easier to get along with for the benefit of the kids. There are alot of blended families.. and since you have a child in this family. Isnt it nice to know that in the event that you and your bf arent together anymore, they wont just throw your child away ? It would make me feel better to know that. I have learned that it takes alot to be the bigger person.. also, I wouldnt say anything to your bfs family. If he is upset, he needs to say something. This seems to be something that has been going on for awhile and you dont want to upset his family and ruin your relationship with them, encourage him to tell his mom how he feels if it upsets him.

well lets see here, first understand there is more to the story, what about the kids? it is probally very nice for them to be able to spend holiday's with all of their family, mom included, and while it might bother you it is soemthing that you might jsut ahve to deal with. it is a little odd, but, i have spent holidays with my oldest sons father and his family, we all do the baseball games and even sit together and he is remarried to a great lady whom my son calls mom and i am engaged. on the other hand my fiance has the same problem with his mother, she'll go to his ex in order to see his daughter, we have custody so she's only with her mom a little bit, she still buys the ex christmas gifts and takes the ex's son by another man when she takes her grandaughter and buys him gifts, they were all invited to christmas ect. while on the other hand she barely speaks to my 3 kids when she does come to teh house to see her grandaughter, she won't send gifts here for her because she doesn't think she should have to share with my daughter and when we asked her to do gifts for her granddaughter before we arrived at christmas for the sake of my kids she told us that if it bothered us not to come. so ther is definatly a line there that should not be crossed, but the line should be drawn by your boyfriend, what is he comfortable with ect. i think the pictures and such is a little out of line unless they include the children but the holidays if you can all be civil might be nice fo the kids so they don't have to choose between the two families or miss out on anything, not to mention they have step and a new sibling that they might like to spend time with. if this situation is something he feels strongly about then maybe he should talk to his mother and sister about it, or if they are cordial he could even talk to the ex, i'm luckey enough my ex and i get along rather well and i could just say hey look could you stop andhe problaly would. regardless of the outcome i wouldnt let it bother either of you to terribly much, you're both adults you probally have family of your own so see his family when it suits you to do so and when she's around just take off, it's not ideal, but nothing in life ever is. good luck.

Hi K.,

Unfortunetly, I don't have much advise to offer. But I don't think you are wrong in any shape or form! I would be highly peeved off if it were me. I agree that she does not need to be there for all those holidays. That should be for immediate family. They can make other time for her to be still in their life. Well, I just wanted to drop my 2 cents in. Sometimes it just feels good to hear someone is on your side. I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck in dealing with this.

K.,
I don't think you're being too sensitive at all. While I haven't experienced this same situation myself, my MIL will constantly ask my husband in front of me if he's spoken to a couple of his ex-girlfriends recently. He hasn't talked to ANY of them for years (since before we met). Why would he? This infuriates me, but I keep my mouth shut.

I think it's great that the children get to spend holidays with both their biological parents, but it's not fair to you. Your boyfriend has moved on, and so should his mom. It sounds like some sort of power struggle to me. I could be wrong about that, but that's my opinion.

Maybe his family doesn't see what kind of bad feelings this is causing and it might be beneficial to just explain it to them.

The point is, you have started a new family with him and YOU are the one he is with now. They need to respect his new family. Also, if his ex hurt him- why would his family want her to be such a part of his life? It seems to me they would want to protect him.

Good luck. This must be very hard, but I wouldn't just stand by and let them to make you feel like you're not a welcome part of the family. I know all too well how that feels.

Wow! I cant not believe that there is someone else that has to deal with this same problem. I thought my ex-boyfriends family was psycho bc they did this with his ex-wife. They invite her to all the family functions. I had never expereienced or heard of anyone doing this in my entire life. My ex and I also had a child and I had a son from a previous marriage and he had two from his previous marriage. We have since split up for various reasons but the ex being so involved in the family was a huge issue. I think it is rude and inconsiderate for the family to be like that. I think it is rude to your boyfriend and especially to you. How are you supposed to compete with that? and you shouldnt be made to feel like you have to compete with the ex. If they are still friendly with the ex then that is understandable because she is the mother of his kids (the grandkids). But I completely disagree with them being invited to holidays and family events and shoved down anyone's throat. That is a boundary that has totally been violated. If your boyfriend wanted to move on with his life then his family should not make that difficult for him. Shame on them!! As I said, my boyfriend and I are no longer together and that played a huge part in it. So now my daughter has parents that arent together. It is all very sad!!

That is a hard situation, but I don't think it is in your control. If you approached his family about it, they would probably just get defensive. You really can't expect them to stop being friends with her because you and your boyfriend are uncomfortable. You can, however, choose not to go to family functions when she is there. Or, the two of you can suck it up and just go. You can avoid her, or maybe you can try to make friends with her and her new guy. The marriage fell apart because it wasn't right for one or both of them. If he's not over her, he really had no business getting involved with you. How can he give you his full love, when he still feels that way about her. Maybe the two of you should talk to a counselor to help him work through his feelings.

My first reaction in reading your story was mixed, in that I understand about the kids being involved, but WHOA it seems a little over the top to me. I'd be hurt if I were your husband, especially since she left him for another man. What does that say about her character? However, after reading other people's responses I can see how after 15 years you really are a part of the family, too. So it is a difficult situation.
The main thing, though, is that you really can't do anything to change it, unfortunately. You really have no right to come in and try to change a situation that already existed before you entered the picture, KWIM? It's really up to your boyfriend to deal with.
You can tell him how you feel but not make demands. You can only hope his family treats you with the same respect as they treat his ex. I guess I would personally try to get to know his ex, too, and make the best of it, and maybe talk to the family and get their side of it (how they see it)...
Sorry I don't have a quick fix answer, I know it must be hard to deal with...
Blessings,
Lynn