MIL Has Really Dissapointed Me

M.,
I am sorry you are disappointed and having trouble. I didn't have grandparents near me when I grew up either. I wanted my girls to be with their grandparents too. My parents live 6 hours away and my FIL died when my oldest was 4 and he had been sick for a few years. Maybe this was a little adventurousof an activity to start out with. I know that she committed but maybe it was too much and she didn't realize the toll it would take on her schedule.My MIL is a wonderful woman and we enjoy when we get together with her, but, I don't usually ask her to care for my girls. If she asks to do something specific I try to work it out. Many times she has a lower energy level and doesn't want to admit it. We have to watch her carefully because she also has short-term memory loss. Maybe you could ask your MIL when she would like to spend time with your kids. If she doesn't come up with anything then invite her over for meals. We plan to have my MIL over every Friday night. I found that if I didn't plan it in then I accidently planned it out! I know you are hurt and miss the money that you spent. Stay calm and try to mend the tear in your relationship. You will be glad you did. I always try to look at things in the best possible way because I know I want people to do the same to me. Maybe your MIL just over-committed and now doesn't know how to tell you. Could you get a friend to watch your son and this could be a good mommy/daughter date with an ice cream on the way home? I took my oldest daughter to many things when her sister was tiny. That is just what mom's do. I hope you can get this resolved and can benefit from this relationship soon.

M.,
I think you're living in the world I once had with my MIL. I personally think she does these things because they drive you nuts and she knows it and she gets a kick out of it. Second, you need to tell her that she didn't disappoint you but your daughter. And let her know that if she continues to do this to your daughter, she'll be hurting her elationship with her grandchild. If she acts like she doesn't care then I don't really think your children need to be around that type of person for one on one time. My MIL felt that I should have taken my daughter to see her because I don't work and she does and she's tired and can't come over to my house. When she put up a stink, I asked her if she realized all the stuff I would have to bring over to her house and all she had to do was get in a car? She gave me attitude of course. I didn't get upset, but I did tell her that she is only hurting her relationship with her granddaughter and not to come crying to me when she doesn't even know who you are. Now realize that my MIL lives maybe 10 minutes away and yet it's too much trouble. Your daughter has enough love with you and your husband and son. I would stop asking her to do things with your daughter. When she says something and she will trust me, tell her straight out that you are always to busy to spend time with her and you're tired of hurting your daughters feelings. I'm sorry if you think I'm over stepping my grounds, but she needs to know that you're the boss of your family and this type of thing will not happen again. My MIL still crabs about coming to see my daughter, but she comes and it's on my terms. Best of luck to you and please email me to let me know how things go. N. H.

She should've had enough balls to come out in the beginning and say "you know, I don't think I want to commit to something like that, for that long". She may have actually felt that by saying "no", she would've come across as being a bad grandma though.

So, what I'm going to tell you to think about is this....That was a pretty large committment for you to ask from her. I know it doesn't seem like it, and to us it's more about creating that special one on one time with our kids and their grandparents, BUT we can't be the ones to initiate that, it has to be them. I swear, not trying to point the blame to you or anything like that, but when I read your post I thought "holy cow! That's a pretty hefty committment to ask from someone who's enjoying their years after motherhood." To be honest, I received a paper from my kindergarten's teacher asking for parents or grandparents to come in one day a month or more to be a parent helper for her. Well, the only reason why I brought it up to my daughter's grandma was because she doesn't work, and I figured "well, it is only one time a month" Remember, they did their work raising children. The time consuming errands that come along with motherhood and your children's activities are not "quality time", they're part of the hustling and bustling of parenting. If you really want them to spend time together, call and ask her if you could bring your daughter over a couple of times a month so she can see her grandma. Don't ask her to do "errands". I try my hardest to do what it takes to not have to ask my mother in law to help with errands. I know she's more than happy to help, but that's probably more because it's not something that I'm asking from her regularly. Even though they're grandparents and their lives aren't as filled with activities as ours are, it doesn't mean that their time isn't any less precious than ours. My mother in law is constantly gardening and all kinds of other hobbies, so I try to only ask her for things when it's absolutely necessary. Other than that, she and my father in law come over atleast a few times a month to spend some quality time with the kids. Not trying to turn it around, just trying to make you see it from her eyes maybe. Some people have a hard time saying "no", and maybe that's what happened here, and she knows no other way to get out of it besides coming up with some lame excuses. If I were you, I would call her, be the bigger person, and say "you know, I wasn't thinking that I may have been asking too much for you to run her to class once a week. Would you rather I take her, and if you ever felt like doing it for me you could just let me know?" Then, just let it go, life is too short to be angry over something as simple as this.

M.,

I understand your frustration and how angry you are. My advice is to try not to control the relationship between MIL and your babies. I feel like you will only set yourself up for disappointment if you try to mold the relationship. I personally would not rely on her for anything-if she offers, that's one thing, but if you ask her and she doesn't follow through-that's a fight! Plus it will more than likely lead to resentment to your husband-and he does not deserve to be caught in the middle.

I am really sorry to hear how things turned out with your MIL. I have learned that you have to accept people for who they are. I guess that she is just the type of person that has problems committing to activities. I would suggest just not making weekly activity plans with her and instead periodically inviting her over for some granddaughter time. Just realize that when she has free time she'll come and if she if busy, try not to let it get to you.

I know what you mean about wanting them to have a good relationship. My parents are my daughter's only grandparents and unfortunately live across the US so she only sees them a couple of times a year. I wish she could see them more, but we have to deal with what we are given.

I hope you can let go of the anger (I TOTALLY understand why you are so upset), but despite it all, I am sure you still want them to have a good relationship. Good luck to you and I hope it all works out.

Dear M.,
Obviously this woman does not care about the family. Why waste your time on her.
There are plenty of little old ladies at assisted living facilities who NEVER see their grandkids. Why don't you volunteer and cheer those ladies up, and your kiddos will get many grammies.
As for the MIL, be cordial, nothing more, nothing less.

M.,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having problems with your MIL. I think that your husband should be the one to go and speak to his mother. Just as if he were to have issues with your mother...you would need to speak to her. He knows his mother best, hopefully, and maybe coming from him would help smooth things over. Maybe she would be more honest and open with him. I hope this helps a little. I know that is how we handle things in our home and it has seemed to help smooth things over at times. Good Luck!

M.,
Your post really hits home for me as we have the exact opposite problem.
Dil will not let me see my grandchildren for the mere fact she doesnt like us. People think that there is somecrazy secret we have for them to do this to us but there is not.
Please just take what this woman gives you. Some people are not meant to be parents or grandparents.
I am the opposite. I am full on silly, and want to have fun and be a grandma and let them stay .If its not the taxes it will be something else/
Maybe you must accept that this is all she has to give.
I am sure your own mother pines over seeing them.
Please try not to spend too much time of your precious day worrying about someone who doesnt worry about you.
Hope this helps
Its been three years since i have seen them and i see no light in sight.
Believe me there is not a thing you could tell me to do i havent already done.
The reason you dont get along is because your two different people. You cant expect her to think, act and do like you. Nor should she expect that from you.
Some grandparents just arent involved. I cant understand it as i am breaking in two for the need to see my son and his daughters.

yuck! it sounds to me like she doesn't even deserve to be graced by your daughter's presence.
if this were my situation i would simply say to her:
" I won't force you to have a relationship with your grandchildren. Once you become aware of how fortunate you are to have them, you can take the initiative to be a part of their lives"
leave the ball in her court.
also, don't mention this around your daughter, she may feel rejected. if she asks about why grandma isn't around, just say "she isn't able" to be. good luck!!!

I would say, drop the dance idea, just take the little one yourself and try to find another "gma/daughter date" idea.

That said, I'm surprised by her actions, my mother is always more then thrilled to take the baby away for an hour or two. I'm going to miss her when she moves back to Alaska. I know my MIL would also be more then thrilled to do the same if she lived closer.

Try to stay calm and good luck.

Boy, I sympathize with you!! Let me tell you! My mom was doing that initially when my oldest 2 of 6 children were young. I was very upset but didn't let her know about it, I just prayed, and it's amazing what prayer does!! It works miracles because my mom is now very into her grandchildren. You would never know that she was the same person. Solution: She needs Jesus!

M.
I am so sorry to hear this. It is always a struggle with finding the right "click" in a MIL relationship...but the fact that she would hurt the raltionship with your daughter is beyond me!! I could never imagine doing that when I have a grandchild someday. Speding time with a grandchild is precious and taking two hours out of ONE day is not going to put her behind on her taxes!!

I DON'T think you are being over sensitive. . .she not only flaked out on you but also your daughter. . .your daughter is at an impressionable age and will start to notice these things.

So, I guess I would defintely say something to her and let her know that you have been hurt and so has your daughter. Let her know that you don't think this is acceptable!

Thank you for all your wonderful perspectives.
I am really considering volunteer work as Rue mentioned at a retirement home.

I also read different perspecvites and can clearly understand both.
At times I feel enraged then I think.... there are some very good pointers on the issue and I am sure she has her very valid "explanation" that she's not sharing with me.

As angry as it makes me, I am letting it go. I don't want anymore drama but I have chosen to distance myself. She called Sunday saying she hadn't heard from me and chose not to call her back.

I need distance and an alternative to who helps with my kids so her relationship with my kids is purely playful. I don't want dissapointments nor her acting like her mother scolding her and yelling at her.