Frustrating Situation with My SIL

I have an idea. What if you have a discussion with them together and explain once again that you really are doing fine financially, but that would would LOVE to save the money they are giving you and do a group vacation with them this year. Or something like that. Maybe then they'd understand that you don't need it, but could take it to contribute to something for the family. Just a thought.

Oh, just read other responses that you should contribute to their college fund. Even better!

Take the money and put it into the kids' college fund. That's what I would do. Tell her that if she feels like contributing to their education ,this would be the most helpful way, esp since you have the tuition covered.

My husband's mom just passed away last year, and let me tell you, I would NEVER refuse something that his sisters gave us in her name for any reason.

Graciously thank her and take it. If tuition is already paid, let her know and say, "We've already covered tuition for the year. Would you mind if I put it in their college savings? College is so expensive, you know and it will help them to buy books."

Why is it so bad to let her have a little bit of credit? You and hubs can say that you raised the kids and put them through school, Auntie paid for books, or whatever. You're not losing anything by letting her help.

I would just accept their checks without the confrontation and put it in a separate account for your kids. What you'll use it for you can decide later. I think she means well, she's just rough around the edges.

Accept the gift.
Thank them.
Move on.

With a check its pretty easy. You just don't cash it. I've done that with my own parents. If she brings it up say thank you but we really didn't need it so didn't want to cash it. Thank you again though for the offer. We really don't want you working so much so please figure we've got tuition covered going forward and relax some now. You've earned it. If she gives you another check someday, I guess just keep repeating.

This is a sticky situation because of the emotional history between your husband and his sister. I have no idea if what I'm thinking is accurate, but here goes.

Because of the age difference, they really didn't have a chance to be brother and sister much before their mom died, and then SIL's role was further pushed towards mother. She may not really know HOW to be a sister. She's stuck in caretaker mode. And now hubby is an adult, and has a wilfe... where does she feel like she fits? She's pushing too hard to be part of her brother's life, perhaps because she doesn't know how to let go, how to be a sibling. She may be afraid that if she DOESN'T hold on to the "old" way of relating, that there won't be any relationship. She may attach strings to things because she's afraid nothing else will hold them together. She has to be taught that isn't the case.

You said hubby feels obligated to please her - because she cared for him as a mother figure for so long and he doesn't want to hurt her, which is totally understandable. But it's not healthy. You can't tell him to push her away. But MAYBE you can help him to help her move the relationship into something that is more healthy, more sibling-like. I don't know how this would work, but it would feel less like you're having her cut out of his life and more like you're fostering a different relationship. He needs to be on board or it won't work.

Someone recommended the 5 love languages book. There's another book called Boundaries that might be helpful too.

Good luck!

Well clearly, I can see how she can get on your nerves. But what if you just gave her a big hug and simply said "thank you" No need to discuss it further. Ignore her ramblings on. Change the subject.

If your husband hasn't already, he should take her out to coffee soon and set the record straight. That while you two are very grateful, their is no need for her to continue to sacrifice or work extra shifts when you two can already afford tuition costs. Maybe suggest that going forward, she plan a fun weekend with each kid individually with them sometime instead, that bonding time would be more meaningful to the kids than tuition money.

If she still continues, smile, hug, say "thank you" Apply the money towards next year's tuition. Or towards college funds. Or even a family vacation, as long as SIL has been told you are not hurting for money. You can even donate to charity, or donate the other not needed items she gives to you. Ignore her ramblings. She is obviously proud to be able to give generously.

oo ooo can I be the first to quote the Five Love Languages book!!!!!

sounds like her way of showing love is by giving gifts. maybe?

I guess I would try to think about what would happen if you refuse her gift, wouldn't it hurt her, redirecting her gift might be better, as some said college fund, or asking her to babysit or something else cookies or something so she can save face and still lord something over you but something you find more acceptable and less beholding too, because you control her a bit.

I think you should suck it up, graciously accept the gift and be done with it. As you said, she took on a motherly role. She still has that role at least in her mind. In-laws can be meddlesome, offer tips and and unsolicitied advice. Its part of the deal. She means well. I don't see where she's laying down a guilt trip. If that's as bad as it gets count your lucky stars.

You are not being unreasonable. Kind of sounds like my mother, but yours definitely beats her out.

I am now "stuck" with a dining room set I didn't want as well as some art in my living room. My mom just won't take no for an answer and insists on buying us things she wants us to have, regardless of whether we really want it or not.

If I were you, I would just tear up the check and not mention it again. If they ask about it, I would simply say "we told you we didn't need it."

If they really want to do something for the kids, set up a college fund they can contribute to or have them buy savings bonds for the kids.

Some people ALWAYS attach "strings" to whatever "gift" they give you.
Its a power trip.
I have a sibling like that.
So I know what you mean.
And it drives my Husband nuts.
We NEVER ask my sibling for anything.
But its how she is.
She gets power from it and acting that way.
Then, she rubs it in our face.
You can't "win" with people like that.
They are dysfunctional.
But you need to also speak up.
And no, you are NOT obligated, to them.
NO ONE should have to be their "hostage."

Again, people like that, will always be like that.
Its how they control, others.

And when my sibling attempt to "raise" MY kids, I tell her off.
I tell her, these are MY kids, I am the Mom.
AND my kids ALSO know, that too.
Because I tell them, and tell them to speak up to Aunty. And they do.
Thus, she cannot Boss them or bully them.
They will even tell her, when she is trying to tell them to do something "I have to ask Mommy first if it is okay..."
I do not feel, obligated nor that I have to please her.
Not at all.
Again, a person does not have to be a "hostage" to people, like that.

Noone can "MAKE" you feel anything. You are allowing her to guilt you.

You took the check - doesn't mean you have to cash it. IF she asks about it - you can say - "I've told you, we don't need these "gifts" from you."

Or you can take the check - cash it and invest it - for you it's "free" money - why not do something "risky" with it and invest it in a fund that you have been looking at for a few years....??? Why not use it to buy a CD (certificate of deposit) and watch the interest grow.

So WHAT if she tells your kids that she worked and slaved to put them through school. They will know the truth, right? So why are you stressing over this? If you invest the money - put it in savings or whatever you want to do to save it - it's their college fund - so when she boasts about all she has done and that she worked and slaved to put them through private Catholic School? You can say - well - it wasn't primary school she put you through - it was college?!

She took on the role of mother to him. He hasn't had the heart to tell her he already has a mother - unfortunately, she's dead - but it's up to your husband to tell her to back off.

You are stressing over this. You are allowing her to guilt you. Really - just take the money - invest it - and move on. When she talks about it? Smile and say "thank you" - really - don't let it bother you. Do you know how many people, on this site alone, would LOVE to have someone handing them gifts like that? Look on the bright side...you are set for college - right?

I would take the money and put it in a bank account for college of you are able to afford the payments now for school. And tell her that's what your doing. Then when the kids get older they will see exactly who paid for what.

But I would just also be grateful that someone loved your family enough to want to help strings or no strings.

I don't think I know her tone or intentions, enough to judge but I am sure you do. Go with your gut.

You could save the money for college and never tell her till she spoke up saying how she put your kids through HS and then say, no, college!

My inlaws are the masters of the "strings attached guilt trip giving" thing.

It's not generosity, it's manipulation! Don't feel bad about setting some boundaries for healthy relationship.
People who don't experience this on a regular basis will probably never understand why you don't just happily accept and think you are ungrateful. What they don't get is the bondage that comes with being the receiver of these "gifts". If your SIL is anything like my FIL, then it's not a matter of a love language, it's a matter of an extremely insecure person trying to manipulate and control so they can feel good. It's not healthy!

Send the check back with a note. If she fusses, tell her kindly and honestly how her actions make you feel. There is no shame in honesty! Tell her that you value relationship over money and that her manner of giving is hurting your relationship with her. Be firm! She may get really upset and try to control you further, but be calm, kind and consistent.

Wishing you the best!

Edit*** An excellent post by Patricia G! Very, very insightful. I love the book suggestion too. Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.

Thanks her and put the money away in a college fund for the kids.
Your husband and his sister need to come to an understanding.
She might have taken on a mother role - at the request of her mother on her death bed (in that respect she's honoring her mother's wishes) - BUT - what her/his dying mother never realized at the time is - her 13 yr old motherless boy was going to grow up someday.
His sister may ALWAYS feel she has to honor her mothers memory in this way, regardless of your husbands wishes.
So in a strange kind of way, it sort of isn't about your husband (even though it is).
He should let her know 'she done good' but mothers/mother types need to adjust when the kids are grown - when they are not kids anymore.
She did a great job, but she can stand down now - she's won her mother's (and your husband's) approval and gratitude.
This situation is mostly in your SIL's head - and there's just not much you can do about what goes on in there.
So accept the gifts with grace, use them to save for your kids future.
If your husband wants him and his sister to see a counselor, they might be able to work through this and come to a better understanding about their currant adult roles toward each other - and then make some healthy boundaries.

Sweet choas, it truly sounds like you want everyone to know YOU are the one sacrificing for your kids and that she is trying to usurp you. That's not the case.

In her heart she feels like she's been left on the earth to be his caretaker. My brother is something like this. He is forever handing me money whether I ask for it or not. My parents abused the heck out of me and he left home as soon as he could to get away from my mom and dad. So he feels guilty.

He gave me a check a few years ago to get some dental work done. I had the money and just hate dentists so I was putting it off.

This sounds just like what your hubby's older sister is doing. She feels bad for him that he grew up without a mother so she does what she can to compensate him for this loss.

She's not going to stop and if I were you I would take the check and be grateful that someone loved my hubby enough to do that for him. Let him take her gifts and you don't get to partake of them at all. It's his business and not yours.

Your "sacrifices" do matter but why do you do them if you don't really need to? If you can take care of your kids yourself why not do that and put her money in a savings account to give to the kids when they turn 21 or something.

But all in all it's hubby's money to do with as he pleases. Tell her next time she tries to pull you aside that you're busy and to grab hubby instead. Tell him that you don't want to know about it and want to pretend it's not being done. Tell him you don't want to know about it.

Then forget about it. Tell her that he doesn't discuss that with you if she asks about a monetary gift. That it's his money to put where ever.

Take the money and either donate it to charity ..., and tell dear SIL how grateful you were to make such a difference to whatever charity thanks to her generosity ..... OR use the money to buy her an expensive, over-the-top present. Tell her the money she gave you is allowing you to be extra generous to everyone.

I *guarantee* she'll stop, if you do either of those things.

just take the money and put it aside for kids. she can claim all she wants that she is putting your kids through school. you know the truth. she is older, and this is what makes her feel good.

I don't think you are being ungrateful. She is treating you like a charity case and is having a hard time seeing her baby brother as a self sustaining family man. I would do one of two things; put the money in a fund and take the family on a great trip including her and her husband. Make it clear the trip is on auntie (and be sure to let her know it is because the tuition had already been paid by you) OR donate the money to the school in her name, let her take the tax write off. Many schools will then include her in newsletters and invite her to school events as a supporter of the school. It will give her the recognition she is looking for and bragging rights when she reads about her "grand kids" in the news letter and she can feel proud she is supporting their school.

Oh I can relate. You are not being ungrateful at all. My in-laws do this, a few years ago they won superbowl tickets in a raffle, and generously gave them to my husband and his brother. Of course my husband was thrilled- until he spent the following year plus listening to his parents tell anyone who would listen that they won tickets and "as hard as it was to give them up, we just want our kids to have nice things, we feel it's our job to sacrifice for them, we always have, blah blah blah". It was awful, in the end he said he wishes he hadn't taken the tickets. My husband is a self-made man, his parents are very sweet, good people, but he grew up poor and they did not value or encourage education. He put himself through college and worked so hard to make something of himself. But they always take credit for what he has done. Like you, this makes him crazy.

So for you, I suggest that you gently try to put an end to the martyrdom on their part. It doesn't sound like there is any malice, so I would definitely be kind. but it isn't right that she take credit for what you have worked hard to provide.

I agree with the 5 love languages- hers is definitely gifts. This explains her behavior, it doesn't excuse it. Knowing this, you guys need to say something like "you guys have been so kind and generous with us, and we are lucky to have you. but we are in a great position now and we don't need any money- we just need you in our lives". If that doesn't work, add "I know you are just being kind, but we are so proud of what we've accomplished and sometimes you giving us money takes some of that away".

But nothing you say may stop her. No matter what, you can set boundaries. Starting with this check. I say don't cash it. When she asks about it, that's the perfect time to start the above conversation. You can definitely handle her with kid gloves but still accomplish what you need to.

My sister deals with this from her in-laws. She and her husband ALMOST took $6k from them so they could buy a house. Luckily there were other problems and it didn't work out. I told her over and over DO NOT accept that money from them. They will look at the house as theirs and you will never be out from under their thumb. They buy my sister and her husband new TV's, beds, furniture, computers, etc.

I would WANT someone to want and have the ability to give me lavish gifts, but would want more for them to understand when I didn't want something. If that makes sense.

So yes, while there are times your SIL's generous gifts are needed/appreciated, they need to understand when you say "no thanks."

Honestly, I'd put the money away for next year or start a college fund with it. If she insists on paying it, that's her problem. Cut the strings yourself :).

If you give the money back, she's STILL going to act the same way. Why do you think that giving back a check is going to stop it?

She has almost a pathological need to do it. The best thing you can do is just not argue with her. You and your husband should stand there in stone silence and accept whatever it is. Then put the money aside for a savings account. Live as though each check is the last. Don't ever change your choices due to her.

If she tells people (including your kids) that she put them through school, just stand there and stare at her. If someone asks you about it, say to them that you realize that your SIL doesn't understand how much private school costs. You won't have to say another word after that.

You can take the check but that doesn't mean you have to cash it.

If I were you, I'd sit down WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS SISTER and have a heart to heart. Have HIM explain that all the extra work/shifts she's doing are wonderful, but not necessary to finance your children's schooling. However, if she'd like to continue with her generosity toward their education, how about investing it into a college fund? That way her "investment" will gain interest and grow?

I would gladly take a check for college purposes. Lord only knows how much it will cost once your kids get to that point, and unless you're a multi-millionaire, every little bit helps!

Good luck!

yes to all-she wants to feel good about what she is able to do for your children-it honors her mother-she is fulfilling a promise-let me guess-she doesn't have children?

I would write "VOID" on the check and give it back to them. But really, your husband needs to grow some balls and say no to his older sister. And he needs to stop discussing your financial situation with her.

Oh, my word! She can't make you open your hand an accept it. Because this affects the whole family, I wouldn't mind being the designated spoil sport. After her sob story, I would tell her, "Yeah...lovely story, but he's a grown-up and needs you to be his big sister." Her tears would mean nothing to me at this point. I'm mean.

I'm trying to understand how she forces things on you--vacuum cleaner, coffee maker--or does she just suggest them? If she were buying stuff and bringing them over, I would get firm and tell her to take it back. Regarding tuition, I would tell her that if she'd like to put money into an account that you keep for the kids, then she can write you a check for that, IF you feel like being bothered with her personality. She can even start a savings account if she wants.

write a nice thank you each time, take the gift graciously, and just let it go... smile, tell her she is right, let her feel that she is doing a wonderful thing for your family... each and every time bite your lip and do this.

And each and every time you get something from her put that money in an account. Some day she will be old and need help. Think of this as her fund for HER future so that when she is old and in a nursing home you will be able to take care of it for her, with her own money.

And if she ends up never needing a home then that will be at least 20 yrs in the future and you can treat her to a nice vacation or something. Again, using her own money.

And as a little tiny maybe - is there any chance all of this is because she is really the one who gave birth to your husband? It was common for an oops to be raised as a sibling instead of your own and never tell the baby. That could explain a LOT of this, couldn't it? Her GUILT is just that, guilt. Looking at it that way may also help you be gracious and accept it.

Updated

write a nice thank you each time, take the gift graciously, and just let it go... smile, tell her she is right, let her feel that she is doing a wonderful thing for your family... each and every time bite your lip and do this.

And each and every time you get something from her put that money in an account. Some day she will be old and need help. Think of this as her fund for HER future so that when she is old and in a nursing home you will be able to take care of it for her, with her own money.

And if she ends up never needing a home then that will be at least 20 yrs in the future and you can treat her to a nice vacation or something. Again, using her own money.

And as a little tiny maybe - is there any chance all of this is because she is really the one who gave birth to your husband? It was common for an oops to be raised as a sibling instead of your own and never tell the baby. That could explain a LOT of this, couldn't it? Her GUILT is just that, guilt. Looking at it that way may also help you be gracious and accept it.

It seems like a touchy situation... Sounds like she'd still be difficult even if there weren't gifts involved. Maybe next time she gives you a small appliance, you could suggest she give you cash instead and tell her you and your husband are planning a little getaway... I don't know if i could pull this off, but in my husbands family, they say the most inappropriate things using humor and it seems to work

Take the money and buy them (if there is enough of course) a cruise or something with it, NON refundable. Make sure you give this gift to them in front of everyone.

I feel you. My husband couldnt understand why I told him not to take help from my parents. He had some legal trouble and owed money from a DUI he had from before we were married. So he understood later when my mother came to our daughters birthday party and started screaming across the party to him about the situation and then announced to everyone what was going on. Most of our friends didnt know about the situation and it was extremely embarassing for him. Also she constantly mentioned the situation and even tried acting like I owed her for what she did. I mean of course I had no right to be mad about her getting drunk while watching my daughter, since she paid off my husbands legal fees, lol. We no longer accept help from them. I stopped a long time ago, but my dh had to learn his lesson the hard way. GL with your SIL.

I would put the money in a certain place and use it to but xmas gifts for them and their daughter or to buy them other things. Maybe you could take the $ and send her and her husband on a cruise. Or invite them on vaca with you guys that you pay for?