Frustrated with Friendships

Updated on August 10, 2011
D.F. asks from Maple Valley, WA
9 answers

I left my lifelong friendships when I moved 3000 miles from home about 10 years ago and haven’t had much success with friendships since coming out here. Especially doesn't help that I'm a psychologist - I have met several women through work and child care, but it seems that they end up treating me like their personal consultation service and will impinge on my free time when they need advice, etc... but never seem to be there when I need something - I had one woman tell her friend to call me for advice (on my day off – when I’m with my kids) about her daughter shortly after we'd had a conversation about how exhausted I am and would not be taking on any more clients! No, I didn’t talk to her – I try to support people when possible, but that was just taking advantage! Another texted me at 11pm on the first night of a rare family trip (my husband’s b-day weekend) with a boyfriend crisis – right after she messed up a favor she was supposed to do for me for that trip (she “forgot” when I was leaving – when I called her to confirm what time she was going to be showing up at my house, I found out she was in Vegas!) Worst of all – they seem to treat me like I am judging them all the time or I’m “beyond” certain things – like I’m just sitting around analyzing everyone all the time & want to have serious conversations all the time – I don’t work when I’m not at work. I’ve tried reaching out and making plans – tired of the vague “we shoulds” that never materialize. The people with whom I grew up – who knew me before I had a degree attached to my name – the ones who went clubbing with me and puked behind dumpsters with me - I miss them. I am tired of hearing about people’s problems at work and then my “friend’s” problems on my free time. I think I’m going to just focus my energy on my hubby and kids for the time being. Just seems like more trouble than it’s worth trying to cultivate friendships at this time – and I have precious little time to waste. Thanks for the vent time, ladies.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thank you for the words of support ladies! Jen - it's ok, you can ask! :-) Both private practice (pt) & at a juvenile correctional facility (pt). Icouldn't do private practice alone - I do think it would be too lonely! I was invited to a peer consultation group a little while back but couldn't make the time they set (I have 3 kids ages 3,5,7 & I'm home with the youngest two 1.5 days per week, so logistics usually problematic!) Problem is, my peers (degree-wise) at the correctional facility are all males, so there's not the same level of shared understanding you are talking about (good for you!) with my female co-wokers - and my role there is as a consultant (groan) so I'm kind of set up! I've met a few female psychologists over the years whose company I very much enjoyed, but they live too far away and are as busy as me with kids, etc... I'm hoping that I'll have more time to spare when the kids are all in school for a full day!!
J.L. – thanks for the thoughtful response – I think you are right – my mom used to call me Ann Landers growing up, so I suppose it’s always been a tendency  Don’t worry, I don’t want to go back to clubbing puking! Would just be nice to be around people who have enough experience with me that they don’t put me in a category that is very narrow. I do think family is a better investment right now, and I’m very grateful for many reasons that that is so!
Laeh – MV for many reasons – hubby grew up nearby so most family in this area, most financially feasible when we got here, both like having land & privacy, great schools & things for kids to do, pretty central location in relation to work commutes, great location for business – need is here, close enough to the city without having to live in it (I grew up in NYC but have always wanted to live someplace more rural – just never imagined it would be so far away!). BTW, Maple Valley was picked as one of the top 10 places to live for families by Family Circle (about a month ago), and that’s where the priority is now (kids), so here we stay!

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.P.

answers from New York on

I feel your pain mama! We were at swim lessons the other day and another mom offered me a cup of coffee... yay! Then proceeded to "pick my brain" about her child's development (kid pshrink and now special ed admin so it's a double-whammy). Outstanding. Really? I just wanted to chat and watch our kids swim. Oh well.

Honestly, I have gotten to know my husband's friends' wives very well and we have a little group. We get together every-other-month as a group of women and we have an agreement... we don't talk "shop". We are all (except one) educators or work in that field and we agreed at our first dinner that work was "off limits" and it is wonderful! There are so many other things to talk about!

When I first moved to NY a couple of my sorority sisters were living in NYC and it was great! We went out every weekend- dancing, dinner, drinks... they didn't ask me for my clinical opinion b/c to them, I was their sorority sister, not a pshrink. They have all moved away and for a while I really missed that connection, mainly (I think) because I missed that version of "me".

The best advice I can give you is to clearly let people know that you are "off the clock". For me, I have told potential friends flat-out "be careful what you ask for" b/c I'm pretty good at "turning it off"- although I can spot a delayed child a mile away- but if you ask for my "clinical opinion"... you're going to get it, unfiltered! Most people don't realize that being a psychologist is NOT the same as writing an advice column! People ask me all the time whether or not I'm "analyzing" them... I usually launch into why the term "psychoanalysis" has nothing to do with my training or say "yes, do me a favor and draw a house-tree-and person. You'd be amazed by what that will tell me" and turn it into a party trick.

Things I've said to get the message across:
"I'm off the clock, but would be happy to charge you an hourly"
"I only work with people under 5' tall" (in your case, and behind bars?)
"I'm in mom mode right now, but would be happy to give you the name of someone in the community if you would like"- this one stops it pretty fast!

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

o.

2 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

You need a degree of separation between your professional life and personal life.
Leave your work at the office. You say you do, but if people think you are analyzing all the time, maybe your work is leaking over more than you think.
When you socialize, don't tell people what you do or be very vague about it.
Find a hobby where the focus of conversation is the hobby not what people do the rest of the time.
It's great to be a good listener, but when a conversation begins turning into a hearing about too much of someones problems it's time to put brakes on it - "Too much information!" then chat about something neutral - weather/traffic/sports/etc.
If anyone persists in asking for advice, deflect it - tell you have no idea what they should do and tell them they should see someone (else) about that.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.M.

answers from Dallas on

No one is allowed to call us after 9 unless someone is dying and calling out for us. Seriously, we need down time and to relax. And only my MIL gets away with calling on our vacation as it is family time. I would distance myself from these and wait for someone worthy. You have a lot to offer and I would love to have an intelligent conversation not about problems.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

Are you in private practice? I'm curious for purely selfish reasons. Here I am using you... (tongue in cheek)

I just wonder because I fear private practice may be lonely. I'm hoping to re-form a peer supervision (review) and maintain contact with the SD professional organization to widen the social circle.

I do hear you regarding people believe that you're above or contantly analyzing. I also tend to present as aloof because I don't want what you've described in your post. I'm closest to peers (known them for three years) and, I know, they to me. We can be silly, analytical, we speak the same language, and free to be human.

I've made some, what I'll call, mama friends (known them for four years). When I took time off I met a few women who are reliable, fun, different from me, but good, solid women. There is a bond of motherhood, and we see one another on a regular basis, but it is not what I would call deep or kindred spirits. I do connect with these women, but ...

Nothing replaces lifelong friends. I get to see a few of mine this Wednesday and when I see them it is like coming home. We all love one another so, but we've have 25 years. Precious, familial, just true.

No words of wisdom, could just be timing, just I hope for good girl friends in your future!

1 mom found this helpful

L.G.

answers from Eugene on

Could you explain to me why you chose Maple Valley when more sophisticated cities exist in King County? Yes it is hard to make friends in Washington State. We lived there one year. I had a few friends and we went to the Quaker Meeting in the U district as often as possible.
It's where you live that is the problem. For a few years I worked in Bellingham from time to time and made great friends there.
And, yes even some of my friends visit me with their problems but most do not. I won't put up with it.

1 mom found this helpful

T.J.

answers from Los Angeles on

It's hard to make good friendships. It's not something you should have to work at. When the right ones come into your life you will know. There are a lot of weeds to go through before you get to the flowers sometimes.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Seattle on

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time with friendships - doesn't really sound like those are friends anyway. I don't have any advice except to say that maybe you'll have to keep your profession a secret for the first little while when you meet someone. But I can relate. I am not from here either and I have had a difficult time meeting people, too. I really miss my old friends who know me for who I am. I moved here when I was six months pregnant and so everyone knows me as so-and-so's mom and in fact no one even asked what I did for a living before I came here for the first two years I knew them! I do have a handful of friends here, but yes, I totally miss my friends from home. What's that old saying? "Make new friends, but keep the old - one is silver and the other is gold." So true, right? I just hope your friends come to visit or that you get home now and again to visit them! I try to get home once a year, but it's almost impossible to see everyone and especially so now that we all have kids. Still, it's nice to keep up on email, facebook, etc. I'm hoping to get a group together and meet somewhere for a girls' weekend with my old friends. That would be fun! I just spent a weekend in LA with a girlfriend I've had since I was 5 years old - what a blast! We could totally forget our real lives for a moment and hang out without distractions. Anyway, I suggest a weekend away with some old friends - it'll do a lot to renew your energy for getting out there and meeting some new people, people who won't take advantage.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.P.

answers from Portland on

That really sucks, I would probably just start telling new people I meet that I work at a small corporation doing consultant work. That way they aren't apt to use you or flake out on you. When you feel like you've made a good friend then tell them the truth and tell them why you lied about it.

Maybe it's just me but at least then you know who your true friends are.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions