I resently contacted our minister for advice on dealing with my daughter's need to continuely use my beautiful granddaughters 6 & 3 to punish me when ever she views me as "not being supportive". He recommended a therapist who deals in family dynamics. I went alone to explain that "I" needed help in how to deal with this common occurance. He explained that my daughter obviously suffers from a mood disorder and feels threatened. He explained that she is always the victim in relationships and surrounds herself with people who help her keep "her reality" by enabling her. He said It is an addiction and she won't get help until she can't get it to "work" for her anymore. The problem is he said people with this disorder are incapable of adult love and compassion. Everyone in "her reality" must see her as the victum. This includes her children! He told me ways that I can try to stay in their lives and teach them that her love is NOT the kind of love they want to learn and repeat in their adult lives. I'm very concerned for their safety and feel helpless to protect them. NOW...I'm the only one in "Family" councelling when I could use help caring out the doctors advice and no one else seems to want to help now that I have taken the first steps. Don't they care about the children????
I'm shocked that a therapist diagnosed someone he has never seen and worried you like that. There can quite possibly be some truth to what he said, but again, without speaking with her, he shouldn't have said that.
I'm a little confused. I would love some examples of how your daughter is using your granddaughters to punish you if you are not supportive. Without some details it's hard to tell if you are being highly sensitive or if your daughter really has mental problems.
Has your daughter always acted the way she acts, or has her personality changed since she had kids?
Your therapist ABSOLUTELY should not have diagnosed your daughter without seeing her. I would get another therapist.
When you say "no one else seems to want to help" who are you talking about? Your daughter? Well, of course she doesn't want to help if she thinks that YOU are in the wrong and she is in the right.
My mom and I sometimes have a sticking point when she thinks she is being "supportive" and I don't. Being supportive means doing what I need her to do to help me. If she can't do that, then I want her to butt out (for example - coming over to 'help me by cleaning out my closets' which entails throwing my stuff away is NOT helpful, but she will tell you that I am ungrateful for her help - so there is a HUGE difference in perspective).
Again - without specific examples of what your frustrations are with your daughter it is hard to help.
Here is what I can say..... couseling shouldn't be about changing someone else. it should be about helping YOU either deal with your frustration or change YOUR behavior (sometimes when one person changes, the entire dynamic changes) but the focus is on YOU - not your daughter.
As far as the therapist saying someone with a mood disorder is uncapable of adult love and compassion is ABSOLUTELY not true. I have a very good friend who is bi-polar. She takes medication (mood disorders are a PHYSICAL disorder, not a behavior that needs to be un-learned) and is one of the most wonderful people I know - she is a great wife, a great mother and is absolutely capable of adult love.
Good luck with your situation.
You are in therapy because you feel punished by your daughter (who uses her daughters to do this).
I hate to say it, but what your therapist said was a long winded version of the old vaudeville joke "Doctor! Doctor! It's hurts when I do this!" Doctor answers: "Well, don't do that!".
If your daughter does not see this as a problem (or if she doesn't think she does this, or if you are the only one who thinks she does this), of course she's not going to do anything about it. Anything the therapist has to say about your daughter is kind of irrelevant and pure speculation because all he has to go on is what ever you tell him. He can't determine a family dynamic without observing the whole family and their interactions.
Are you prepared to get into a custody battle over your grandchildren?
Where is their father in all of this?
Can you prove your grandchildren are being mistreated or abused?
Does she use them the same way if she does not have you to punish (for what ever reason, real or imagined)? If you step out of the picture (move across state, no more contact, etc) will she treat her kids differently?
These are all great questions to go over in therapy and if you feel you are not getting anywhere with your current therapist, then you should find another one.
I agree w/ busymommy. He hasn't met her so he can't diagnose her. He can say things like "based on your conversations it sounds like she has a personality disorder" or something like that, but he can't diagnose it. Anyway, I personally would talk to a different therapist, and see if he/she could give you tools to work with your daughter. Sadly she has the power and she has the power to keep your Granddaughters away from you.
So your therapist diagnosed not only your daughter with a mood disorder but also all the people around her as being enablers and he never actually met any of them? He heard one version of the story, yours, and came to that conclusion? Doesn't seem ethical to me.
If my mom went to a counselor, then called to tell me that a counselor I had never seen had diagnosed me with a mood disorder and that for the protection of my children we all needed to go to counseling - I would be LIVID.
Sit down with your daughter and tell her that you know you have both made mistakes in your relationship in the past but that you want your relationship to improve; both for your grandchildrens sake and because you love her. If she is agreeable, find a counselor you can visit together with a clean slate. If you try to take her to the counselor you are seeing she is going to feel attacked, he's already convinced you all the issues are her fault. Start fresh with someone new.
Who are you looking to have join you in therapy? It would be unproductive with your daughter there if she cannot see that what she is doing is unhealthy. I'd (I'm licensed to diagnose and treat mental health and addiction) be curious if he said or meant personally disorder, not mood disorder. Mood disorder is depression, bipolar etc. She is manipulating and attention seeking, or so it sounds based on what you wrote. And the comment about incapable of love and compassion fits personality disorder more....
You need to set firm limits, because until she sees that she's not getting her way, and not make you feel bad, she has no reason to change. Keep going to therapy and work to develop skills to respond to her in healthy ways. Ask the therapist for a book recommendation. I can think of a few that I would recommend, but since I don't know the whole situation, or if my hunch on diagnosis is truly correct, I would rather not because I don't want to give you misinformation.
Hang in there
I am working hard on building a better relationship with my adult daughter who potentially has a personality or mood disorder. A book that helped me greatly with communication skills is called "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg. While the title probably nails MY personality pretty well, don't get turned off by the title as I think the content is pretty generally good communication skills, (validation and boundaries) for all people in your life. I don't have grandchildren yet but I can foresee a day when I could be in your shoes and it must be very emotionally painful. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
There's nothing that says that you have to stay with this therapist.
Look at the other therapists available in your area, call them and find one that will be more helpful for you (and your grandchildren).
