I'm not even sure where to begin here. :)
My son will be 4 at the end of this month. He has always been a very ornery child, and he is always testing the boundaries of what he should/should not be doing. He attends 1/2 day preschool on Mondays through Thursdays (morning), and last Thursday, we received a note from his teacher that said that an "ongoing" problem was occurring where our son would not line up at the whistle after recess. He would run to the other side of the playground, and a teacher would have to go get him. He lost his line leader privileges for the day (which really did not seem to bother him at all, unfortunately). Inwardly, I found the whole situation amusing, because it sounds just like my little boy; HOWEVER, I understand that this can be a major issue if it continues, and it is unacceptable. We spoke to our son several times throughout the weekend, and talked about what was going on, why it shouldn't be happening, what would happen if he would not line up at the whistle (stay inside for recess)....there was NO amusement on my face while discussing this.
Today was the first day back after this weekend, and we reminded him again this morning of what he needs to do.
Well, after school, I had not immediately checked his backpack for messages (this is something I usually do right away, but I did not get to it until 7:30 this evening). Lo and behold....there was another handwritten message from the teacher. I'm afraid that I am going to DREAD those yellow papers... So today, he did a great job of lining up right away at the whistle, but he got in big trouble for throwing a rock at another child during recess. The other child had a frisbee that our son wanted, and so our son threw the rock at him. The rock hit the other child in the stomach, and luckily did not hurt him, BUT once again, this is UNACCEPTABLE! It could have hit the child in his eye or really hurt the child.
Of course, my husband and I are livid. Our son stood in time out for probably 15 minutes (at home), and we talked about the whole situation again and why it is not good, blah, blah, blah. We talked about the next step, which is him being sent to the principal's office. I even threatened with the fact that if he cannot have good behavior at school, then he is going to not be able to go to school anymore. This is something that I could follow up with if I had to...we have to pay full time at his daycare for his half time spot, so if it really came down to it, we could take him out of Pre-school for this year and put him back in full time daycare. I really don't want it to come to that. Pre-School is such an important building block for any child. Ugh!
So, I do not know how to handle this. When he is at home with us, he will push buttons sometimes, but my husband and I know how to handle him, and we know what punishments are going to get the best results. I do believe that we are consistent with our punishments, and I strongly believe that a child does NOT need to be spanked when he/she gets in trouble.
This is where my husband and I disagree. My husband was pretty much abused as a child....he grew up with the 'spanking is okay' mentality. He talks about how bad it was and how traumatizing it was, but he still thinks that it obviously worked, because he turned out okay. I really do not want to resort to spanking our children....I do not think that this is the best way of getting through to a kid...especially when it is several hours after the fact.
On top of this all, we live in a really small community. My husband and I are both teachers.....Yeah, we're pretty strict (but fair) teachers, so classroom management is not a problem for us. It is very embarrassing to have our child be the one who cannot follow directions and who is throwing rocks at other kids. Since our contract times require all teachers in the district to be at school at the same time, his preschool teacher has agreed to be there 5 minutes early so that we can drop our son off and get to our schools before contract time. I have already started to notice in the last couple of days that look on her face...carefully disguised, but there nonetheless, that says, "this is the pain in the butt student." I know the look, as there have been times when I have dreaded having certain students in my class. Of course, every child deserves another chance, and I sure hope that they cannot see the dread in my face.
What on earth do we do about this? I know for a fact that this is a very good teacher, so I do not want any blame to go toward her. What do we do to get our son to behave at school?
Thanks in advance for your help.
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Talk to the teacher about how you handle him at home, since that seems to work for you. She might appreciate the suggestions.
I personally do not believe that preschool is any more or less important in a child's life than just living it, at home, in daycare, whatever. Preschool is NOT that important because kids learn through play at this age.
Secondly, the preschool teacher is and should be trained in the SAME way a daycare provider is. Why would it be any more or less troublesome to have these behaviors happening in someone's home daycare?
Thirdly, and MOST important, you are not describing anything that is over and above the norm for a child of your sons age. I believe the way you are handling it is wonderful.
If this teacher is tired of him, it's only for now. She'll forget all about this when he works through it. I've had kids stay with me for 5 and 6 years that went through stages of acting up and for brief periods I probably dreaded a day or two here or there. That may be too strong. Mostly, I just look forward to the end of the day when they go home so that I can rest up for the next round :)
I think you are taking some of this a little too seriously because of your embarassment. You may be a teacher, but you are still a mom.
When my son was 3 we had him split between 2 preschools. Monday Wednesday Friday at one school and Tues Thurs at another school. We found that is behavior at each school was completely different. At the one, he wasn't potty trained, he would greet me at the door every day with a big smile and how many time outs he had, and the teacher would proceed to tell me about how he had a difficult time listening. At the other school, he was completely potty trained and never had time outs, behaved well, with the exception of one time when he hit a kid in the head with a Tonka truck that he wanted, but the school dealt with the discipline (and I must say he was not the only child that reacted that way over the year, this age has trouble with impulse control). I reminded him that he didn't hurt friends and left it at that. I found that he absolutely loved the attention he was getting from the time outs at the first school, and no amount of discussion would change him from it. the teachers also over used it. They were young and would ask him if he wanted to clean up. If he said I don't want to, they would give him a time out, instead of just saying it is time to clean up, no discussion. If I were to give him a 15 minute time out, he wouldn't even be able to understand at 3 or 4 years of age what he was getting it for, it was too far after the fact and far too long for his age. He was also like your son, very all boy, and he gravitated towards kids that were just like him. During the year, the first school asked us to have him repeat the 3s because they said he wasn't able to think independently in center time or pay attention. We found out that he had a hearing deficit that was fixed with ear tubes and once he could hear, his behavior improved. We decided the following year to go to school #2 full time. He did amazing. Now he is in kindergarten and still very silly and sometimes wild, but he is doing well. I think my point is that maybe it is that the school is not right for him. We found that the one school expected too much and was too structured. Switched to a play based school that still had some structure, he did so much better. If you are committed to this school and looking for a way to get him to behave, you will have far better luck with positive reinforcement than with punishment. Have a chart and if he lines up with no problems for 3 days, he gets some kind of reward, then slowly up the anty to a week with no problems, etc.
Have you tried talking to your son in front of his teacher? Take a minute while you are dropping him off to talk about lining up at the whistle, listening, not throwing rock and whatever else he needs reminding of. Its something that has worked for my kids. Tell him in front of his teacher that you can't wait to get home and see the good behavior report. If the teacher says something positive at that time like how proud she will be if he lines up right at the whistle that could help. I don't think it does any good to talk about his bad behavior at night after it is all done for the day. Lots of reminders before school.
A child like this who is spanked will grow up to hit you or worse.
Also all he hears when in TO is blah blah blah
Be short and simple.
NO violent tv
watch his sugars and preservatives
Get him involved in an activity he likes, swim lessons, gymnastics, tae kwon do
Not team sports
We had a reward at home for a smiley from the teacher.
Every day he brought home a smiley he got chocolate milk at dinner.
Mine was very ornery, diagnosed ADHD/ODD/CD and this worked for the most part. It was not perfect.
We took every toy out of his room at 5. By 7 all he ever wanted were his Legos and books.
His other toys were kept in the basement and brought up every so often.
Teacher has to have a consequence, he can sit by her or the aide. She can use the TO hold.
He needs to be taught "coping-skills."
This is not an inherent ability in kids. It is taught.
AND also teaching a child, how to communicate... when frustrated. With words.
It could also be the dynamics in the classroom, so many personalities in a room. Hence, even more so, he needs to be taught coping-skills. For frustrations etc.
The book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" is excellent. I really recommend you get it.
Also, if this continues, will the school kick him out? or if he hurts another child?
At least, the school/Teacher is TRYING to work with you on this.
BUT.... "how" exactly, does the school/Teacher, correct a child? How are they taught, when wrongdoing is committed? Beyond, writing those yellow notes to the parent???
How was he, at Daycare? The same or better?
Maybe he is not ready for 'school.'
And, maybe at Daycare, there were more kids who were younger than him? Hence he felt like the "big boy" and could boss them? But now in 'school'... the kids are all like aged, or older. So he is butting heads with them... maybe because he is not, the only older one there?
Maybe a power struggle? Or conflicts.
I'm sorry - I wanted to look up some suggestions for you from a book I read last year, but I can't find the book! It was "The Way of Boys" by Dr. Anthony Rao and I have recommended it a couple times when questions have come up about young boys and behavior issues at school. It was a huge help for me last year.
I think he mentioned something about seeing if you can partner with the teacher in some sort of special behavior/rewards star chart specific to your child - nothing too complicated so it's not a pain for the teacher to handle, but something that rewards him at home for his good behavior at school.
I know, it is really hard to control your child's behavior at school when he's out of your sight and your discipline style. Punishing later has little impact because it is so long after the misbehavior. I think spanking would do nothing in this situation except maybe create confusion and anger.
I'm sorry I don't have more information from the book, but I know he had a few suggestions. You might want to pick it up from your library system or through Amazon.
Ugh. I feel your pain.
I have a little authority questioner myself.
I'm not a fan of the part of school where they have to line up, "stay in the row of floor tiles" and 'march' from place to place. I mean, I know schools have to maintain order but sometimes it's just ridiculous.
However, what worked for my son two things:
1. Explaining that while these are not OUR rules, they are the school rules and he needs to follow them, however senseless they may seem to him.
2. You don't have to like everyone, but you must respect everyone. All of the kids have just as much right to be there as he does. You don't have to be friends with everyone, but you need to be considerate. (Golden rule speech time.)
Good luck!
my first thought is, he's not even 4. there's not a whole lot you can do because his attention span isn't developed enough. he's not going to listen to you lecturing him (especially if it goes on and on) and then be at school and think "aha! i better not throw this stone because mom will flip!" you don't say what grade you teach, but it's not really feasible for a 4 year old to think that way. a 15 minute time out was probably overkill, just my opinion, but i do agree that spanking isn't the answer either.
honestly, the most you can do is what you're doing. you can talk to him, tell him your expectations (and obviously follow through if he doesn't meet them), but when it comes down to it, the teacher is the one right there when he does it - she has to deal with the situation. not saying she's not, but maybe she's more just letting you know what happened, rather than expecting you to fix it. a 4 year old isn't going to have the capacity to think his actions through like an older child would. heck even we as adults have trouble with it!
my son at 4 mooned his classmates. he did it three times before he got over it. i read him the riot act, i lectured, etc. but in the end it was the teacher's job to stop him immediately, discipline him, and put a stop to it. there wasn't much i could do, since i didn't see him till hours later.
just a thought, but if you and hubby are both teachers, why not do full days? it might be good for him to be more fully immersed in preschool, knowing that he's not going to get to go home and "escape" his teachers after an hour or two. just a thought. good luck...this really doesn't sound like anything to be worried about to me...but then, i have one of those ornery boys too :) gotta love 'em!
