Friendship Advice

s.

Where to begin! First, relationships change as we grow older. People move into and out of our lives for many reasons. As adults, we need to accept the lessons from these relationships and move on. As we change and grow, many friends cannot celebrate our success or appreciate our intentions in their lives especially if they are struggling. Short of going to see her yourself and having a face to face conversation to satisfy whatever curiosity or need you have to see for yourself what may or may not be going on (and I wouldn't advise it, alone, anyway), you have little choice but to let go and move on with your own life. Many times toxic relationships in our lives will weed themselves out so we can open our arms to accept new, loving friends into our circle. Also, knowing someone for barely over a year isn't really a long time. Perhaps you didn't know her as well as you thought or the relationship meant more to you. Either way I have found that relationships I make as an adult take longer to adhere than relationships that began when I was young and have been "time-tested", if you know what I mean. If I were you, I would pray for her, send her loving energy or whatever it is your beliefs dictate you do. If and when your friend ever chooses to let you back into her life, I would take it slowly and have clear boundaries. There are many books about boundaries and friendship and the changes women go through at midlife, and these can help, but I have always found my intuition and gut to be a good barometer for letting people into and out of my life. Knowing when to let go of a relationship is more important than recognizing the beginning of a new one. Know that you have tried to reach out to her in the best way you were able to as the loving friend you are. Cherish the friends who accept your gift of friendship and let go of people who don't. That's the beauty of a gift: choice.

Celebrate your friend's growth! Just give her the space you both need during this transition in your own relationship. She has found a very much needed new support system to help her grow as a stronger individual, in your absence. (I'd guess six phone calls a day probably wasn't working for either of you?) Each of you are in transition... maybe google "A Reason A Season and A Lifetime: People always come into you life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do...." Grow on.

I would send a card to this friend, apologizing if you have in anyway offended her, and letting her know that you are there for her, if she ever wants to resume the friendship. Pray for her and let it go.

My first reaction was, "You've done all you can do, just let it go."
But it sounds like you need to try to make sure she is OK for yourself as well as for her. I agree a sincere letter in the regular mail with your numbers and a lifelong open invitation to be friends is a great idea. I would only send one, be sure to include everything in your heart so she knows you have understood everything she has gone through. Apologize for leaving and turning your back-though you didn't mean to. Then check in once a year with a brief message you are still thinking of her and miss her.

To be SURE she's OK without contact, do track down a relative or neighbor or someone in touch with her to inquire about her health since she won't answer. Let them know you feel someone should check on her if no one knows details because of her daughter.

Her behavior is drastic and strange, and all the worst case scenarios may be true, but there is nothing you can do about it. Chasing her may be fueling her rejection of you. Sounds like she sort of blamed you for checking out and then was able to illustrate her pain by making you feel bad when you came back to her after your bad week. She also doesn't sound rational if she's twisting your words. Maybe she's fine in her own way, and needs to cut you off for whatever reason.
Good luck, sorry for you and your friend.

good morning M,
thank you for being a friend ....
this is really bothering you .
for you, hand write a short sweet 'call me' w/ phone # note to her last home address... this is all you can do @ this time [ enclose a pic of the 2 of you to give it emotion] .. MAIL IT WITH CORRECT POSTAGE .
your friend is angry at the world ....
of course ,makes her an easy target for 'malice'
if you are a good friend ; mail her a note weekly until she calls you [ she may have deleted you too]
now ......if she has a cell phone, texting, a computer , internet , a babysitter etc ...
SHE AIN'T POOR!!!!!!!!! SHE IS FINE ... THINK ABOUT IT.
if broke ; all of the above are the 1st. to go ....
she may have ' found' love on face book etc ... who knows???she is ANGRY .
you said she has medical issues . this is 'good ' at this time ... a skilled dr. will notice depression etc . pray she continues to follow through w/ her dr. appts.
if you try KINDLY to reach her for [ 2 months]
simply .. let go . and add to your CHRISTMAS LIST .
ALSO, find hermom, dad , sister, X husband .... anyone and simply ask ,' how is 'friend' you miss her ' keep concerns s-i-m-p-l-e.
if no one hasheard from her or saw her now; dial 911 she has a minor child ... henceforth , you are correct . give her time to adjust to her 'crappy' life .
good luck
do not give up
she is sad , hurt , angry
she may be mentally ill or in harms way you must wait and take steps .
kindly,
t
I will say a prayer

Do you still HAVE her phone numbers ? As a friend, I don't think I'd simply erase them. I might not use them for a while, but I wouldn't erase them.

On the positive side: IF your friend really is out job hunting, good for her. If she is involved in a Bible study (hopefully with a reputable church), good for her. If it's with a cultish group, well at least she's reading her Bible. God can get through to her when you can't. . . So I would continue to pray for her, for the people who remain in her life, and those she has yet to meet -- that there would be someone who can guide her and help her get through the storm she's going through.

On the other hand, why does she have a babysitter when she has no job and no money ? There has to be some somewhere, doesn't there ?

When people are depressed, they do pull away from their friends. They have nothing positive to share, so why bother ? and who would really care anyway? By giving her space, however, she may have reinforced all that, and felt abandoned by you. Then you have a really bad week, and try to get ahold of her, to lean on her ? If she's depressed in the first place, how did you expect her to have the strength to help you ? So she turned on you, maybe because she felt abandoned when she needed you, and now she is doing the same to you. It's called anger, and it's at least a better place to be than depression.

I guess I also wonder why you talked on the phone 5 - 6 times a day ? Didn't you guys have lives ? I am older than either of you so I'm not part of the texting generation. I do carry a cell phone, but I talk on it to my grown children once a week if they call, and use it to communicate with family and friends when we are figuring out who's doing what, where, and how to connect to get your teenagers together. I don't call any of them 5 times a day, or even a week.

She asked you to delete her numbers and you did. Do you still have her mailing address? (As in, oh my gosh, snail mail?) Why don't you hand-write her a letter apologizing for doing what she thought was interfering in her life. Tell her that what you did, you did because she wasn't sharing with you, and you were concerned. You care about her. You understand that maybe she needs to move on right now, and that's okay, but these are YOUR phone numbers, and should she ever want or need a friend, please call. Let her know you would love to LISTEN TO HER, and hear what she's doing and how she's getting on. And ask how her child is doing, too. Let her know you are praying for them, and that you know God will bring good things into their lives.

And leave it at that. It's an olive branch. It's communication, but it isn't "in your face", it doesn't threaten, and it leaves the door open for her to walk back through it into your life again without feeling horribly guilty.

And then, on to you. I live 750 miles from my home and family, and I miss them horribly. (my nuclear family, grown up siblings and their children). We've been here 10 years, and I admit that it's hard to make friends --especially close friends in a new place where the culture might be a little bit different from what you are used to.

But it sounds like you have been duly snubbed and you now need to make new friends. The internet is nice, but face to face friendships are best. Check out some local churches. Find one with moms with kids your ages, see if there's a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) program in your community if those are your kids' ages. Join the YMCA and do stuff there. Try to get yourself out and about to meet new people. It's hard to move, and it's hard to make new friendships, and you have to work to break into a community that was established before you got there. Be open, be friendly, be inviting. Find things you enjoy doing, and DO them -- you'll meet others with similar likes.

And, when you are prayiing for your friend "back home", be sure to ask God to send you a good friend where you now live. It isn't easy. In fact, after living here 9 years, I FINALLY feel as if I have a sense of belonging. I still want to move 'back home', but I can't really imagine doing that when I have so many friends here. I have friends who are my age and have empty nests, I have friends who are retired, some have kids who are teens, because I also have a set of young teens, and I have friends who have elementary school kids and younger. And I met just about every one of them at church. Some I met by volunteering. And it's wonderful to have a diverse group of friends -- there are always people who need your assistance for one project or another, and there are poeple who will help you with stuff.

So, that's my novel, or essay, or whatever. I hope I haven't offended you. It hurts to have a friendship fall apart, and I hope it isn't gone forever . . . but don't drop your life because she dropped you. Pray for her, pray for yourself, and work your way into some good new friendships so you build a network of people you can trust and share with. And do write her a note -- if nothing else, it'll help you to have peace, that you did your best in the situation.

I know how difficult this must be .I have a friend who found out her son is homosexuel and she is leaving her husband after 17 years of marriage. She will not return my calls it has been a year. So from time to time I e-mail herletting her knoe I am thinking of her and that when she is ready to please contact me. I think that is the best you can do is just sendher little reminders that you will always be waiting for her.Hopefully one day you will have the friendship again. Goodluck. L.

This is a very unfortunate situation for both you and your friend. I'm sorry she has so much to deal with and I'm sorry she is shutting you out. All of that stress can change a person and perhaps that is what is happening to her. Maybe she has come to view you moving as a betrayal of your friendship. Maybe she feels since you are far away you can't be the kind of friend she needs instead of vice versa. I do agree the relationship with the babysitter seems weird. But on a positive note, she is trying to put her life back together by finding a job and reaching to her spiritual side. I know you are concerned about her shutting you out if she has been "saved", but it sounds like this Bible study may be one of many steps she will take in her healing process. I would venture to guess she hasn't been "saved" yet.

Another thought I have is that perhaps she isn't the person you thought you knew. I'm not trying to minimize your friendship with her, but 1 1/2 years isn't a very long time to know someone. Maybe how she acted with you wasn't who she really was. People put up fronts for a variety of reasons (sometimes they don't even realize it) and maybe she did that with you.

As wonderful as I think it is that you want to help her, I think you need to follow her wishes. She isn't accepting of your help and I think you pursuing her will only put more stress in both your lives. Best wishes to you.

HI M.,
Odd as it is, this woman seems to have made herself clear. If you feel that to sleep peacefully at night, I would write a calm letter explaining your feelings and mail it to her. If you receive a response maybe you can salvage this friendship. If you don't, at least you'll have done all you can. Do you think she possibly associates you with a bad time in her life?
Hang in there. This will turn out for the best O. way or another!

If she wants you to leave her be then respect her wishes. Forcing yourself on her like you've been doing will only drive her to resent you. Threatening her with having the police check in on her was - if I were her - something I would see as highly meddlesome and downright threatening and inconsiderate of you. Good intentions are not the same as being considerate, and the road to Hell is paved with them.

I am so sorry that things are not going well for your friend. You could give it some time and try one more time to call her. If she doesnot respond and does nto want you to call her. The only other thing you can do is let it go.
If she does not call you then all you can do is move on.
Good luck

She may feel that you have abandoned her by moving so far away. So, she is forming a relationship with the next closest person which, is the sitter. What religion has she chosen? Is it cultish?
I would continue to call and leave messages if you're that worried. You could always get on a plane and check it out yourself.
Also, remember you have only known her 1 1/2 years. That's not that long. Who knows what secrets she has? This may not be unusual behavior for her.

You sound like a very levelheaded person. I wouldn't know what to do either, and couldn't even try to advise as what to do...
It sounds to me like you should trust your instincts and your heart. Hopefully she will reach back out to you. You obviously care a great deal for her. She is lucky to have someone that loves her so much.
Good luck, I feel for you.
M.

M., I read and agree with the previous posts, but would like to add one more thing. Maybe your friend feels she needs to be needed right now and this is her way of coping.It may make her feel better about herself to be helping others through her beliefs. Give it time and respect her wishes to be left alone. Time heals all wounds.
If she doesn't contact you in the future, it will be her loss of a good friend. You can still put your head on your pillow at nigt knowing that you truly tried to help.For the time being, focus your positive energy into something constructive whether it be your own family, volunteer or crafts.

Hard as it is let it go!If she needs you hopefully she will call!

Hi M.,

It seems that you might feel betrayed by being a friend and caring about her. You may also feel that you did something wrong to offend her.

In either case, nurture yourself. Things will work out in time. Make peace with yourself. All is not lost.

Time will heal both of you and both of you are feeling wounded right now. The communication between you all will reappear when you least expect it. If not, you learn things about yourself.

All the best. D.