My daughter is in 5th grade and my son is in 2nd. He has been best friends with a boy from his class since kindergarten and they also live just one street over so they get together often to play. His friend's sister is also in 5th grade and was in my daughter's class last year so they are friendly but not great friends. When they were a couple of years younger they had more in common so would sometimes play together. Now they have less in common and my daughter really doesn't care to hang out with her much. Because of the similar age and proximity to us though sometimes the other familly will call to play together and they both want to play with my kids. I feel bad b/c many times my daughter will say no. We usually have a reasonable excuse like homework, practice piano, etc.. Another thing is the the other mom and I trade off after school care sometimes if one of us has a meeting or doctor's appt. to go to (we both work part-time but have hours that let us be home for the kids after school).
Yesterday the other boy and girl were over for 2 hours while their mom had a doctor appt. The boys took off and played great the whole time. But my daughter really didn't want to have anything to do with the girl. I asked why and she said 'because she's boring and we don't like the same things" (she was out of earshot of the girl--in a different room--thankfully!). I know I can't force them to play together and while my daughter wasn't being overtly rude (i.e. with ugly words directly to the girl, etc.), she just preferred to do her own thing after school. I felt bad but was not really sure what to do. I will have to say the girl was a puzzle to me too...when I asked if she wanted to do her homework, have a snack, read a book, watch a show, play the Wii, or play another game she said politely said no thanks to all of them. (she finally agreed to playing the Wii) Um, ok, now what? She is always pretty quiet and polite though. I have pretty extroverted kids so it's just so different for me!
So my question is since this will most like continue (us having them over, them going over to their house) what should my expectation be for my daughter to interact with the other girl? I know they are at an age where different interests are really developing so it could be more likely that they would have less in common. But at the same time I'd like for them to try and find something to do together. BTW, the mom and I are friendly but don't do a whole lot socially together, so I'm not sure I could say anything--nor would I konw what to say, if anything!
Thanks everyone for your input! I like the clarification of babysitting vs. a play date arrangement. Hadn't totally thought of it that way. And I agree that it is a great time for my daughter to learn her social skills even in situations that she may not totally like--she should always try to be as tactful and polite as possible. And having activities set up ahead of time is a good idea. Ann P., I actually think you said it quite well and make great points about expanding a circle of friends and learning how to include others even if it's not the most popular thing...so great as you mention as they head into the middle school years which can be difficult socially for so many kids. Thanks all!
I would try and find something they can do together. My daughter is quiet and probably not very entertaining if she's not familiar with someone. But she likes to play cards and games. Phase 10 is a great game for kids that age so is uno.
I think it would be time to teach your daughter how to be inclusive of those we don't necessarily want to be friends with.
She doesn't have to set up play dates or anything (though, it might be nice - sounds like the mom maybe wants her daughter to make a few friends), but when they are at your house, she needs to figure out how to be a good hostess. Even if they're just reading on the couch next to each other, or watching a movie or something.
I don't know how long you keep the girls for, but I've never met a girl that age that didn't like to play around in the kitchen making brownies or cake or rice krispie treats. That could be something that can enjoy together.
Your daughter needs to be gracious to guests in your home. Does she need to seek her out? No, that would be a waste of time and not fair to her. But, she does need to learn that the goal of everyone in the home is to make a guest feel welcome and comfortable, even if it's boring.
Maybe you could talk to the mom and find out the things the little girl likes to do in her spare time or what she finds interesting and see if there are any common areas for your daughter to work with.
My daughters would say the arrangement is between you and the other mother, not the kids, so you should not expect your daughter to participate in your arrangement, if you invited them then it's your responsibility to entertain them. It would be different if SHE invited the girl over and then ignored her. My own daughters are the same age but have 2 totally different groups of friends and I allow them to interact with their own friends the way they want, they sometimes ask the other sister if they want to participate in a particular activity, like a movie, but they often go their own ways. Both are happy with that arrangement and so are their friends and so am I.
I think you can absolutely talk to the mom about it, not as "my daughter thinks yours is boring" but rather -- "I'm having a hard time figuring out what our girls can do together, they're not coming up with bright ideas either. Can you tell me more about what your girl does at home, what she really likes, maybe I can come up with some projects for them to work on..." Maybe it's crafts, or listening to music, or reading magazines... I think it's OK if they don't "play" together, but considering they'll be together in the same house on these occasions, this could be a great lesson in social graces for your daughter. Think of situations you've been in, thrown together with people you didn't have anything in common with (or thought you didn't), how did you handle it? Help her think of it as creative problem solving. She doesn't have to like her more, or enjoy time together more, but she can search for some way to connect. It's about being gracious and thoughtful.
I would just ask her mom what she's interested in doing or have her bring something to occupy her time when she visits. This is a great opportunity to teach your daughter to be more open-minded about people who she perceives to be different. She's only five and it is very possible that she could be on the other end of this stick in the future. It doesn't sound like the girls have any common ground to make a connection. Find that common ground. Your daughter should be polite, but I would not put the burden on her to entertain this girl.
If the girl comes over because you are doing a babysitting favor, then I would make my daughter entertain her. It is the polite thing to do. It's like when my mother's friends would come over with their children, we were expected to play with the children whether we wanted to or not. It's just the polite thing to do and kids need to learn to be polite to company. I wouldn't however make her play with the girl just because her brother wants to come over to play with your son. In that situation, I would do what you've been doing and make a polite excuse why your daughter cannot play.
One of the most liberating things I've learned in my life is that I don't owe an excuse. All you have to say is "Charlie can play, but Samantha won't be able to." For the play date requests that's all that is necessary.
The babysitting times are different. Even if she doesn't like the other girl so much, she needs to be polite. Arrange something ahead of time...a project they can work on together, a DVD they can watch, or anything your daughter feels good about. It's a good time to work on her more grown-up hosting skills.
The girls do not have to get along.
They do not have to play together.
They do not have to have play dates.
The girl was over your house, because the Mom was at an appointment. that is not a play date per say. You were babysitting.
Your daughter is old enough to understand and for you to speak to her, about that. Just because her brother is friends with this girl's brother, also does not mean that she has to be 'friends' with the sister and be all chummy.
But when babysitting the neighbor's kids, well they don't have to play together. But I am sure... your daughter IS polite and nice to that other girl. She is just not, friends with that girl.
No one has to be friends, with their sibling's friends siblings.
But she can be polite.
I personally, would NOT 'expect' my daughter to play with/entertain another child that she does not get along with.
You yourself said... that this girl is difficult to 'entertain' or even engage in conversation.
But, you can just do an activity, like making a jigsaw puzzle, leaving it on a table and letting the girls do that. Something neutral like that.
But I would not expect them nor make them, be "best pals" or anything like that. Because they aren't. And I certainly would NOT expect your daughter to entertain the other girl or hang out with her for 2 hours straight.
They are just, acquaintances.
And that is what you are with the Mom, too.
You are not friends. You are acquaintances.
I understand not wanting to force your daughter, but it is also important for her to learn to deal with people she may not love in a classy and respectful way. Ignoring this girl will hurt her feelings. They need to find something they can both enjoy doing together, whether it is the wii, or as simple as a movie they both may enjoy. As an adult this ability will come in very handy every time you are expected to host your husbands co-workers and their wives for this or go to that work function! We must all learn to get along with and interact respectfully with people we don't think we like, and you know what, often times we find out we like them more than we think!
I was raised to always include more friends in my circle. I had one friend who seemed boring, but as I got to know her, we became closer and built many memories. We always had a blast. She didn't have many friends. She wasn't my best friend, I still hung out with other people, but I also hung out with her and invited her to join if she was around.
I think it's important for our children to learn the importance of not being exclusive. Especially before they start middle or high school because if your daughter can be friends with someone even if it's the unpopular thing to do, she can be a better influence on the other kids to not be so harsh and judgmental like tweens and teens generally are. And if she has to the courage to be friends with everyone no matter what people think, you'll have less to worry about. Why? because you'll know that she has the confidence she needs to make right choices and say no to bad influences.
If she doesn't like hanging out with just this girl, invite another one of her friends to come over so they can all play together. It's always easier to get to know someone when another friend is around. It makes us feel more comfortable and more likely to open up and have an enjoyable time while we make a new friend. Just make sure that nobody gets excluded while they are playing.
I don't feel like I worded this very well, and I'm sorry. I really think it's important for our kids to know how to make to new friends, and not just limit themselves to their little circles.
If you are doing it for babysitting tradeoff, ok she comes. If it is for your son to play, just his friend comes.
