Hi Mamas - I'm not quite sure how to act in this situation. My husband and I are friends with another couple. We ran into the husband recently and he let us know they had been going thru fertility treatments for some time. This last round of treatment wasn't looking good and he told us more information than I thought he would - I was just surprised at how open he was with us. Later that week I was out with his wife who has yet to mention anything about the fertility treatments to either myself or my husband. So I didn't mention anything to her about it because I don't know if she knows that we know and I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. My question is, is this the best way to handle the situation? I don't want her to feel I'm ignoring their situation and especially her feelings about it but I also don't want to "pry". I mean, what if she thinks it's a private matter between her family? Should I just wait until she brings it up?
Thanks!
Thanks for all the responses. My gut instinct was to let her bring it up if she felt like it so that's probably what I'll still do. I don't want to start anything between her husband and her either in case she doesn't know he told us so I'll let it be for now and see where it goes.
Just one more chime in not to say anything. You have responses from several people treatments worked for....I'm the one they didn't work for. Each time is harder than the last, every time the hormones are more messed up, each time the anxiety is higher, each time the thought of failure is more devastating. Your friend might be barely able to keep it together...don't mention or hint at anything but be ready in case she suddenly unloads.
Yes, wait until she brings it up. I have 4 kids through fertility treatment, and I was open about talking about it only after I had my first baby. It was hard thinking about it yourself, without various, well-intentioned people asking me about it. She will talk to you when she's ready.
My advice is a little different. I would bring it up but very generically. You could say, "your husband mentioned that you were trying for a child, please know you can always talk/vent to me."
Please do not, did I say NOT, ask if it was successful or any good news yet? It is so hard to go through treatment after treatment and have to say no a million times. But a nice general "you know I am always here for you" helps her know you care without asking a question she feels she must answer.
Good luck to her and how nice of you to care!
Sounds like you handled it very well. Different people talk different amounts about their fertility troubles. Some people view it as a medical issue, but a lot of people feel guilty, sad, or diminished because of their difficulties. Your friend may not be as open as her husband and may never bring it up. But since you know what she's going through, if she ever seems sad or standoffish around you and your beautiful kid, you have a little insight into what's going on and you don't have to take it personally.
We had our three wonderful kids (5, 2 & 2) through in vitro. Our journey was quite a bit easier than many, but it was still very difficult being around my friends with kids at times, knowing how hard it was for us to have them.
Good luck to you, and to your friends as well!
-- Florrie
Stay out of it. Let her bring it up. For example, what if your friend vents to you about issues in their marriage and now you are pissed. Then you turn around a say something to him because you are pissed. Makes sense?
We have to know when to keep our mouths shut. It can bring a problem to their household and that might not have been our intentions.
Unless she brings it up don't ask. I went through fertility treatments for 3 years with many failures and a miscarriage. After a while it got hard saying to people "No, we're STILL not pregnant." or "Yeah, I was pregnant but we lost the baby."
You are so sweet to be caring and concerned, but if she has never mentioned it with you (despite the husband talking about it), then don't bring it up unless she initiates the conversation.
It might be too painful for her to publicly discuss it, despite the fact that you would probably be a great source of support and comfort for her. Follow her lead.
