Friends Child Hitting My Daughter, Need Advice!

I have no advice, I just wanted you to know that you did the right thing and I admire the way you are standing up for your kids! Good for you! Keep doing what you are doing and know that you are NOT overreacting!

Hey, M.! I'm guessing this is an MMs mom you're talking about since you're posting the question here and not on MMs. But I could be wrong. I would hope none of the MM moms would say something like that to you! As someone who's met you and your children, I can say I know for a fact that the other mom is full of bs. Your children are wonderful and I can't see your son being the cause of this. And even if he was, as a mother, she should have nipped the behavior in the bud before it got to the point that it obviously has. I would have handled things the same way as you. I understand that you may not be able to exclude this person and her children from playdates and I hope that won't discourage you from meeting up with the other moms and their children. Some of the BL moms are absolutely wonderful people and most of them have wonderful children as well. If it were me, I'd call the other mom out on her lies. Explain that your son doesn't play with other children and you've never seen him hit another child, nor heard any complaints of it from his teachers or his school. Tell her that if you do witness it in your child, you'll be sure to talk to him immediately to stop the behavior and that you expect the same from her for her children. If she reacts badly to that or doesn't seem interested in correcting the behavior, then I say band together with the other moms who don't want their children playing with hers and create your own playdates without her. On the days when the playdate rotation hits your homes, agree that whoever is hosting will let her know that she's not welcome in their home until her children show signs of improvement.

Sorry you have to deal with this though! For the most part, I think the moms on MMs are wonderful and I wouldn't trade most of them for anything. It's too bad that there has to be one who doesn't hold the same standards of behavior for her own children. I hope you manage to find a peaceful way to resolve all of it!

The behavior you described is awful. I would not make a point of trying to contact her anymore-she needs to cool off and see reality for what it is. And do not put your child or yourself in a situation where something could happen. Maybe you can find another play group.

Side note: I was in a play group- baby boy-average. Older brother(age 3) not in school one day joins us-unbelievable the disaster in a play group at church that a 3 yr. could cause.
Anyways, I saw this child again when he was in 4th grade and everyone(school workers) were talking about his behavior-it never got any better! I always made a point to keep my children away from others like that.
Her feelings were hurt and that is why she blamed your 7 yr, old, but she probably is very frustrated and not sure what to do at this point to change that behavior. While she figures it out, keep your children away. Good Luck.

Hi M.

I think it is better that you do not have the kids play together if she can not see her kids being mean . The other moms will see it and not want to have play dates with her either . I would try to make your own play dates with other moms with out her knowing and move on .
Kids might be kids and we all know kids at the age of 2 hit others if they are frusterated . But by the age of 4 they should be able to use their words and have some comtrol if they are shown the right way . Sounds like she just sends them off and does not care what they do . Good luck with your play dates .

I think that some parents refuse to take responsiblity for their kids' actions. My husbands cousin has pdd nos. Our son is ADHD. They are close in age and they either get along really well or really badly. It doesn't matter that your son has a diagnosed psychological disorder. She needs to take responsiblilty for her children's behavior whether it was caused by exposure to another child or not. I wouldn't see them anymore. I wouldn't feel guilty about it either. You have to protect your kids. You don't need your son being around people who think he is trouble either. I would tell that mom that she needs to start disciplining her children or when theyare at your house then you will put them into time-out. If she doens't like it-get out. I have a daycare and I will put kids in timeout for misbehaving even when their parents are there. It is your home and your family and you have the right to have your home and family respected.

I would have handled it the exact same way you did. THerefore, I don't think you're over-reacting. While I feel that it's important for a child to learn to stand up for themself, at 2 y.o. there is no justification for my child to be around so much violence. There's just not. Bottom line.

Good luck!

First of all you aren't over-reacting. Second of all, she is blaming your child because she doesn't want to see her children as the problem and that gets you right where she wants, your heart. She knows her children are doing wrong, she just doesn't correct them because she doesn't want to be the bad guy, sorry for her children. My son's girlfriend has a daughter a few months older then my youngest sons daughter and we hear the excuses for her being mean to my granddaughter. I told my daughter in law that she needs to correct the child if the mother isn't going to for the sake of my granddaughter. If my granddaughter hits, she gets into trouble with a time out and a talking too. If this other little girl hits her mom says "well she goes to day care with 3 boys who are ornery to her". That is a cop-out of parenting and if my child was being in a day care which she is being abused by other children, she would be out of there pretty fast. Anyway, as I told my daughter in law, if she doesn't correct it with at least "Emma doesn't like to be treated that way" then she will learn that she can't hit but others can treat her badly and that it must be ok. She needs to stand up for herself. My granddaughter took this on herself with starting to hit this other child and being ornery before she is ornery to her, which isn't acceptable either.

I would avoid play dates with this child, schedule them with other mothers and at times if you all meet together, watch the situation closely. A child coming home from a play date with bruises isn't a healthy playdate and would be better off not having one then to think it all is part of socializing. You surely have other mothers you can invite to your home without including this woman and her children.

I would also like to add that my son's girlfriend's child is a cute and sweet little girl and very loveable, but as with a lot of two year olds, need social development and social skills taught to her. The child isn't to blame for this behavior, the lack of teaching is.

There is NO NEED to invite her at all when you set up play dates. You get to chose the guest list for who is invited to your house.

Tell her she is not welcome at this stage and perhaps in the future after behavior issues are resolved they can start attending your play dates again. Leave it at that.

Next time DO NOT TELL HER WHEN YOUR PLAY DATES ARE SCHEDULED> Remove her from your email list so you don't accidentally invite her when you send out a group email.

You didn't over react at all. In fact I think you handled it perfectly! First, I think it's good that you corrected the children in front of her-- that should have been her first clue that you were getting upset by it; second, I think it's good that you expressed to her flat out that it needs to stop. That way she now knows exactly where you stand.

If I were you I would just avoid her at all costs. Someone who is that blind to their childrens' faults will look for any other thing to put the blame on (like an Autistic boy, right?) If you do end up at the same function together, just keep an eye on her kids with yours and don't be afraid to jump in and correct her kids if they're getting too rough. If she's not gonna do it then someone has to!

I think you need to do what you think best for your kids, hands down. If your daughter would cry when she knew they were coming over, maybe that was a sign. However, perhaps there is some other solution that can be worked out given you are both participants in this larger group? If she refuses to deal with the kids, and if your kids can't play away from her kids, I think you may need to quit the group or avoid her as you have been. Just matter of fact, not trying to make her feel guilty or like a bad parent.

Good luck!

I think you are totally right to tell her you will not have playdates any more. That is horrible to have your little girl get hurt. I also think it would be appropriate to set a rule that if her child continues to misbehave at the playdates and she not discipline her she should not be welcomed back. It should be a safe place for everyone and no one should be afraid to come with their kids. Good luck. M.

That's a simple one. Nix the playdates. You need to be a mama bear and protect your child who is being abused by her so called little friends. Those aren't play dates. Poor thing is terrified. And you say the other mother isn't doing anything? Easy no brainer. It's not like they are family and you have to be around them. I'd say good-riddance.

I would terminate this relationship. Period. There is no reason for your children to endure/witness such behavior. There are plenty of things to do around town that are inexpensive and even free. Story hour at local libraries or book stores, Pottery Barn Kids hosts a weekly story hour and a monthly event involving music and entertainment. If you have a Children's Museum in your town usually there are lots of activities for kids that are fun and educational. Look around for a mom's group at local churches in your area. They usually have groups that gather there.

HTH,
A.

Ugh....I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about how stressful this must be for you. Absolutely you needed to protect your children. You gave it many chances and it got progressively worse. I wonder if it might have been received better if it had been presented that you'd like to keep a mom friendship, but that the children are not meshing well, and if you had stated that what your child's reaction was at hearing that another playdate was scheduled (crying)? This would've kept the focus on the kids and less on the parents. This other mother responded very defensively and very poorly by throwing the blame out at another child too, but it also sounds like she felt pretty cornered.

The greater problem now is the play group situation. My guess is that other mothers will protest my response here, but those groups can be inherently troublesome. They can work a lot like a high school clique...you're either in or out, but it's even more emotional since your children are involved! As dificult as it is, I'm not sure if it's fair to tell another parent that they are out, which you basically did, if her child misbehaves again. To say you will be very "upset" is a bit of a threat because... then what??? What does that mean?

I would say focus less on being a part of the mommy group and focus a lot more on personal, one-on-one friendships with people whose parenting you admire and whose children connect well with your own. If this group means too much to you (and know that it won't mean anywhere near as much to your kids as it will to you), then you will need to find your boundaries, be pleasant (or you will make it tense and awful for the other members) , and give it another chance. If it doesn't go well, make yourself absent for awhile. It is possible that this scenario will get played out with other children and other moms will raise concerns and this other parent will leave on her own accord, or it might just be that her kids will get better.

Good luck to you. You sound like a very loving, involved and conscientious parent. Just remember that most parents are, we are all just limited by our own knowledge, past experiences, and resources, and there is nothing worse than feeling attacked for our parenting....even if the advice or the "attack" is valid.

If others in the group feel the same maybe ask her to leave the group. I am not sure how you let the moms in the group know what you are doing but you could e-mail the details to the moms and leave her address out. In that case I would e-mail the mom with the hitting kids and tell her that until her kids learn to play nice with other kids they are not allowed to the playgroups. Hopefully this other mom will take charge of her kids and will be able to rejoin the group, but that is up to her. Even if her children learned the bad behavior from someone else it is the parents responsibility to correct the bad behavior. It sounds like the mom does not care otherwise she would not be playing the blame game.

As a parent you have EVER right to jump in and keep your child from being hurt. You can tell the other child that it is wrong to hit, bite and so on... you can not discipline (time out and so on) but you can tell them that what they are doing makes others sad and should not do it. Nowadays parents have to do this way too often because parenting styles are so different then they use to be.