Recently my daughter's friend asked her to give her back a gift she had given her a while back (about a year ago). my daughter was sadden and confused by this request. She did give it back, after trying to persuade her friend to change her mind. (even offered to pay for the items). I know this is 6-year-olds that I am dealing with, but I wanted to get some ideas of how you might have managed this situation. When my daughter gives away one of her toys, we always ask her if this is for "keeps" or to borrow. I then remind her that "keeps" is a permanent stance. But we have not been on the receiving end of this change-a-roo. Any other thoughts?
**edit for clarity - the "gift" was not a bday present. It was a gently used toy of her friend. I was with the girl when she gave the item to my daughter and asked her if she was sure about giving it away. The parents were present for the return and their response was basically "oh that's not nice" as they collected the items and left. They offered to buy my daughter one of the toys (which I declined). I was hoping that they would have been a bit more specific with her - share some life lessons like "we don't do that to friends" or something like that.
I have always made it a rule that NOTHING is a gift from a minor unless the parent says it is, and then it is a GIFT which means there is no asking for it back. I make it clear to my children and to their friends...a gift is not a gift if it is not freely given.
A.,
The other parent should have intervened and told her child that she had given it to your daughter, so it was no longer hers. I would teach your child in the future to say "NO". It was given to her in the other child's parents presence and it is wrong for her to have to give it back.
Molly
If the gift was given by the 6 year old and her mother, "formally," for example, at a birthday party, you should tell the other little girl that presents are presents, and no "give-backs" are allowed. But if it's a present that one six year old gave another six year old, informally, or just in the course of play, then "give backs" may be standard operating procedure. You should tell your daughter that maybe her friend doesn't understand the rules of gift giving, or maybe her friend only meant to lend her the toy. Buy her another one, if you can.
A.,
Teach your daughter to say NO! After one year, the kid who asked for the toy back needs a good talking to and her mother should have been informed.
I would be careful about letting my child "give away" or let someone "borrow" her toys. For the time being, I would let her know if she want to do any giving or borrowing it will have to have your approval.
Blessings......
I agree with Senya. While the other child was completely wrong to ask for the gift back (however she is only 6), and her mother should have told her the rules of gift-giving, it was right for you guys to give it back. It's only a toy, after all.
No harm done, your daughter will live without the toy, but too bad for that other little girl who is not being taught manners by her parents.
What a shame the parents didn't use this opportunity to teach their daughter about giving. However, like you said, they are only 6 and forever is a really difficult concept. I have stuck to the practice of letting my children "borrow" toys but not give away(unless it's a donation) or accept as gifts. When you use the word "borrow" they understand that it will be returned at some point in time, we just don't specify that time. Sorry your little one had to go through that!
I think you and your daughter are making the best decisions. I think your daughter will realize that her friend is not a very good friend, and move on to better friends.
