Friend/Kid Trouble

If she is despessed, drinks heavy and has problem why on earth would she or her husband want to bring another child into the world. Sorry I know that sounds mean but it's reality. Why would you help? I think what you should do is make yourself "busy" and not contribute to her behavior. Her behavior is rubbing off on her son. Do you really need help from her? That is the only thing that would keep me in her life. I would try talking to her one on one if this is the case by yourself only adults. You have enough on your plate with three little one, I don't think you need any more.
If you continue watching her son I would tell her that she has to tell you in advance and if she keeps canceling tell her you just can't do it any more.
On a side note no parent likes to hear about their child being a "bad" child. When you take care of him just tell her what he did don't offer any comments. But if it continues tell her that your children's saftey come first and you aren't going to be able to watch him if he's means and hurtful.
It will rub off on your child as well.
Be safe with your children.
L.

If it were me, I would just stop babysitting for them. You don't have to be mean or anything like that. Just tell her when she asks, that you can't, because you have so many things that you have to get done that day. Say that everytime that she asks, and she will eventually stop asking. She will just have to understand that you do have a life, and have your own children and household to care for.

My advice: stay out of it and back off. Don't volunteer to care for him anymore. If they ask, feel free to choose what is best for your family and proceed from there. The other is really none of your business - we can't tell other people how to raise their children. However, if his behavior is inappropriate while in your care you have every right to share that info. with parents, but you can't change how they choose to raise their children.

M. -

I would suggest you be more assertive for a couple of reasons. I know you don't want to rock the boat, but watching this boy presents a risk to you. He could hit one of your kids, or his mother might accuse you of something if he acts out. She obviously disagrees with your position. It's great that you want to help out, but you shouldn't be put in the position of having to discipline someone else's child. You've done your best to let your neighbor know about the problem.

S.

Don't watch her kid anymore. If she want's to use you as a doormat I wouldn't watch out for her or anything. You have 3 kids you have to worry about if he has a behavior problem. I wouldn't want him around my kids if he acted like that. I would also stay away from them since she seems to make drama.
Since your husbandis gone I would also keep my distance because you have more important things to think about. This is just my opinion. Your kids can also see how he acts and might start to mimic his actions. Hope this helps.

Just don't watch her boy anymore. Just learn to say "no" if you don't want his behavior in your house. You don't necessarily need to say that is the reason either.

As for her drinking, depression meds, dicipline choices for her children, it is not your business. If you think her kids are in danger then you are obligated to report her. If not, you should let it go. You wouldn't want her or anyone else telling you "if you don't do this with your kids (like we do), your kids will be bad people". We all think that what WE do is best. That is why we raise our kids the way we do. I have a niece and nephew that don't like coming to my house because I have "too many rules". Yea, I think they are unruly kids, but hey, that is the way my sister is raising them and I just keep my mouth shut. Life is better that way.

M.,
I can only share my experience with a next door neighbor, who started out as a good friend. She, too, was on Zoloft and other meds and drank. She had two young children, which worried me because the mixture of the meds and the alcohol rendered her what I called a "zombie". I feared for the safety of her children while her husband was at work, so I babysat almost every day. She was very irrational and irresponsible, to say the least. I finally shared my concerns with her husband and at first he wouldn't hear of it, until one day he came home and found his two year old walking up the street, while his wife was inside sleeping. Unfortuneatly this was on a day I wasn't home to babysit for her. He was then forced to confront her about her meds and the alcohol, which she defiantly denied. She, too wanted another child, which he said no to until she "got better". What I'm saying is that because of the meds and the alcohol use, your situation may get worse with your neighbor. The child is obviously angry proabably to lack of attention. If you can bear it, I say be there for the child, but if not, you might have to have a serious conversation with both her and her husband to voice your concerns. No, it won't be a nice situation and they'll either avoid you or be grateful to you but I would put the child's well being first.
I will tell you our outcome. My neighbor's behavior became very "crazy". After a full year of trying to get his wife off meds and alcohol, he just couldn't take her behavior anymore and filed for divorce. She immediately found a "boyfriend" and became pregnant. The "boyfriend" soon realized her "problem" and ended up leaving her. Her situation is horrible and sounds extreme but meds and alcohol can make people do unheard of things.
I know you are experiencing this alone. I would find another friend to confide in because I found my situation to be very emotionally draining. I feared everyday for her children and even had to call CPS once after her husband divorced her. During one of her "zombie" states her children were walking up and down the street and when I went over to her house to let her know, she was sitting on the couch watching tv. I knew she was "on something". CPS did absolutely nothing.
I only pray your situation isn't anything like mine.
Take Care.
D.

Well I used to work at a child psychiatrist office and yes it is a very touchy subject when it comes to someones child. I have one of those friends too, she is very dramatic and twists everything into something different and trys to look like a victim. What you need to do is give her time to cool down and then approach her. Explain to her that you weren't trying to insult her even though she took it that way, and reassure her that you weren;t calling her a bad mom. But also my father works for child proctective services and so I am very involved when it comes to childrens rights and their portection. If you know how much she drinks and if you feel she might be neglectiing her son you need to report her before that baby gets hurt or worse. Maybe she abuses him behind closed doors, people are one way infront of others and another behind closed doors. Or maybe he is neglected and thats why he has those violent ways. Remember you can report her anonymously I hope I spelled that right. I hope all works out for you, feel free to write anythime. I am a stay at home mom with a 3yr old also.

M., I am thinking maybe you should tell your friend, that there are rules in your house, and if her son can't follow the same rules that your children do, with the same consequences when they don't, the maybe she should find another sitter. And if ANY friendship requires THAT much work,it doesn't seem like a friendship at all. You have to be very carefull about that , because the anger and bitterness that she carries around can start leaking into your life and your house. We all love our friends, but we have to have our limits as well, and we have to stick up for ourselves and our families, you certainly don't want your children picking up her child's behavior, just because you are trying to be a good friend and neighbor.
Limits are hard but I think you and yours have the strength to set them :D-**J.

I totally know what you mean, i used to be that way..I had to arrange my schedual because of my G-friend then she would leave me hanging. First of all you have to think about your kids. If they see that behavior in the little boy, you children will most likly copy that too. Then you have to see for yourself. You have helped as much as you can but you also need your space and time. if she cant accept her baby has some behavior problems..trust me it won't help if you keep telling her. you will just make her seem like if she were wrong. You should just leave things as they are and let her cool off. If she is still doing what she does like leave you hanging, well just stop taking care of her kid..you will see shell get the point. But let her know wy......if she doesn't understand...well maybe you will probably be beter off withought her.....there that spanish saying..." mejor sola que mal acompanada' right??

Hi, It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place! The fist thing I would do would be to tell her that your not willing to watch her child anymore because if hes hitting that puts your kids in danger expecially the baby. If they get mad they get mad watching her child isnt your problem, you have 3 of your own to watch. Also if shes drinking like you say she is, they why not say something to her, that could be the root of her sons problem.
I know I dont beat around the bush about anything!! You need to stand up and let her know exactly how you feel..If you hurt her feelings in the process well at least she will know the truth! Good luck!

OMG! I was where you are just over a year ago. Unfortunately, our toxic neighbor was also our landlord and decided to kick us out. I don't really have any advice for you, people like that don't seem to want to hear the truth, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

Hi M.,
Wow, sounds like alot is going on right now. Your friend seems to be under alot of stress right now. Strong medications affects ones reactions to criticism. Even so, it may be time for an apology.

This child is two years old. I do not believe in the terrible two's I believe a child meets up to expectations regardless of what those expectations are.

Having said that, I believe your friend was hoping to receive unconditional support from you. Your remark was very judemental and I would have to disagree with your projection of what would happen at school, there is three years of further training.
Maybe this boy was having a bad day, he was upset and swung at you and your husband. What happened next? was he reprimanded or soothed?
Two is a delicate year, needing both gentle guidance and looking for firm independence.

Talk to your friend. Tell her that you may have been wrong to criticize her parenting.
If you feel strongly about her need to acquire different parenting tools, then try to make amends and together work through your parenting needs by finding resources such as available parenting classes or parents support groups. Every parent could learn a few new tricks every so often.
If you feel her children are in jeopardy, then report her to the proper authorities.

This is a time to decide if the friendship is worth the headache of working through or if you are going to let the relationship deteroriate. If you choose the first option, I would reflect and see how you may have responded had the situation been flipped.

Hope not to be too harsh,
M.

Hi,
This is my 2 bits:
This person is using you. It sounds like she is battling depression, and I don't think it has even occured to her to consider your feelings. Right now, she may be incapable of doing so. Sounds to me like she is taking advantage of your good nature and will continue to do so. She may be too self involved to even think anythingis wrong with her son. My advice is to decline to watch her son next time she asks, and keep declining and she won't ask anymore and you won't have to worry about it.You sound like a kind person, and she's taking advantage of that. Life is too short to have "friends" like that.

you have to be very politically correct when speaking to someone else about their child. no parent wants to hear anything negative pertaining to their child-especially from a close friend. my best advice is to apoligize for hurting her feelings, and keep your mouth shut unless she asks for advice-then it is free reign, but w/caution. if her son is difficult to take care of then very nicely tell her that it was to much to take on w/3 kids of your own and you don't feel it is fair to her child to try to take care of him when you don't have the abilities to do so properly. this keeps her from feeling defensive. but again- do not offer advice unless it is asked for, no one wants unsolicted advice/comments even if it is not about your child, but any kind of situation. good luck.

Well I would say that it is not your problem. you can be civil to her when you see her on the streets and say hi but that would be it for me. If she can't appreciate what you do for her and take into consideration that you schedule around her than she isn't a friend anyway. You can be a nice neighbor but you don't have to break your neck to help her. I wouldn't want my kids to pick up her childs behavior so it would be best if you didn't watch him anyway.

Well I understand your situation.. If it was me I would still be very friendly.. If you choose to still babysit you are always taking a chance of the person canceling.. just look on the bright you will have more time then to run other errands.. and with the way the boy is acting maybe try not to say stuff that you think would offend her, some people are just sensitive to peoples words.. rather say he was a little upset that you were gone and he sat by the door missing you... or you could say that he was alittle fiesty today.. remember she is pregnant and when I was pregnant I took everything to heart... and when you are watching him just stand your ground and dont let him think that he is allowed to hit in your house.. and it is not gonna hurt him if he wants to sit and pout by the door while she is gone... hope I helped alittle...