Neighbor Has a Drinking Problem

The child needs someone to speak up for him. I would call the police and notify them, you could potentially be saving someone's life.

I wouldn't confront her at all, just let the police know what you witnessed.

You are being a nosy neighbor. If she's driving drunk, she'll eventually be caught. If she's abusing her son, she'll eventually be caught. If she's being a drunk of a mom, the son will eventually call out for help.

Meanwhile all you have are some suppositions and observations with no context. If you want to do anything, be friendly with her. Get to know her a bit better to see if she's as bad as you say she is. Otherwise, leave it alone.

Are you positive this person is driving around drunk?
Buying alcohol is not against the law. And, if someone reported my brother in law for drinking a beer everytime he got back from fishing and was unloading his truck and washing out his boat, he'd have had the cops called on him every time he got back from fishing. It didn't mean he was drunk. It didn't mean he'd drank a single thing or anything else other than he'd been out on the ocean all day and wanted a beer when he got home.
If you have serious proof that your neighbor is driving around with open containers in the car, that's one thing. If you see her pounding a few beers in the driveway and getting in her car to drive, that's one thing.
Getting beer out of her trunk or even drinking a beer in her yard on any given day does not mean anything. Unless it's immediately BEFORE driving as opposed to when she gets home.
Does her son go to school every day? Is he dressed, clean and happy?
I have friends that don't drink a drop for health reasons, but I can guarantee you, with Memorial Day coming up, they will be carting in alcohol because they have tons of family coming to stay with them from out of state and are having a big bash for local friends as well. All the grandkids will be there. Am I worried it's going to be a drunken brawl? No.
The people who drink don't drive.
My point is, unless you know for a fact she is driving under the influence, there's not much you can do. If her kid isn't running around naked and in the street or knocking on your door because he's starving, not much you can do.
I have friends who drink maybe 3 times a year. New Year's, Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving. They are so paranoid about anyone knowing they buy a bottle of champagne or wine that they only bring it in the house after dark and it's because neighbors might talk.
And obviously, they do. She's a teacher and she is terrified for anyone to know they might buy some wine once in a while. Literally, three times a year and the neighbors might go ape.
Like I said, if you honestly believe you have proof she is drinking and driving, that's one thing.
You say you aren't close, but you obviously watch what she does, you feel responsible for her son, you feel you need to do something.
You can turn her in, but you better have proof.
If she does have a problem, you can't fix her. You can get her arrested if she's driving with open containers or under the influence. Maybe you can even get her kid taken away from her until she gets help.
But, you can't make her see the light or want to change.
That's assuming she even needs you doing that for her.
Maybe try getting to know her. Maybe it doesn't have to be a matter of confronting her or turning her in for something.
Maybe she could really use a friend.

That's just my opinion and I don't condone drinking and driving. I don't condone getting drunk in front of kids.
I've had neighbors who had people in and out all hours of the night. Unfamiliar cars. Strange people. Raised voices and crying.
All the signs of drug dealing.
Nothing of the sort.
They just had a death in the family.

Don't make her the focus of your life.
You can request a welfare check based on your concerns.
Don't expect her to thank you for it. And don't expect to change her life.
My ex husband used to call the cops on me constantly just for not answering the phone because we were gone.
I came to welcome it, actually, because he got in trouble for stalking me.
I'm not saying you are wrong in your concern, but what do you expect to come from this if you report her? If she's driving around and drinking, clearly, do what you have to do. But, after showing the concern to go to that extent, will you be there as a neighbor to help her in any way? Or, will you only feel justified and not care what happens after that?

Something to consider is all I'm saying.

Dear M.,
As soon as you see her getting out of the car or in the car with a can of beer in her hands, call the police. Write down her plate number when you get a chance and keep it post it where you can get it real quick as you see her leaving or arriving. Let the police handle her. Don't talk to her about it. If she leaves, tell the police which way she left, the color and make and model of the car; they'll get her. She needs help before she kills her son or/and someone else.

Another idea is to go to the elementary school where her son is a student and talk to the school counselor about this. The counselor wouldn't be able to say anything to you about the student, but would be able to take your information, keep an eye on the child and offer some family intervention.

Contact your local child protection agency. The first priority is the child. If she is drunk at home, she may or may not be neglecting the child, but if she is driving drunk...that concerns the safety of everyone in the vicinity.

Snap a few photos if you can do so covertly. Also, contact your local law enforcement agency and speak with someone on duty to find out if there is a possibility of posting a patrol car down the road to do a traffic stop. It would be helpful for you to have a good idea of when she usually leaves in her car, and if she usually does her beer runs at a specific time, you they may be able to catch her with an open container.

Sometimes people like this NEED to be caught in order to assist them in finding their "bottom." Only when an alcoholic reaches bottom can they successfully get help.

Good luck!

If you are going to say something, be prepared for the consequences of opening Pandora's box.

Taking beer into a house isn't illegal - in fact, Maryland has more lenient liquor laws than we do here in Indiana. As far as the car goes - if she's not operating it at the time, that's subject to local/state laws.

But, getting Department of Children Services involved in something you suspect is a big issue and can ruin a lot of lives if your instincts are wrong. Different states and local municipalities also have different laws on open-bottles. So, it may not be illegal to drink outside on your own, private property vs. in public spaces.

I'd wait until you have concrete, tangible evidence before doing anything. At least, that's what I'd do if I were in the situation.

I think you are basing your judgements on way too many assumptions. Just b/c she 'chugs' a beer before going into the house doesn't mean she's been cruising around drunk. maybe she just had that one beer, and drank it in the car so her son wouldn't see her drinking? and who knows how many of the beers from the 30 pack she drinks? (personally, i think that's her business, not her neighbors.) she could be sharing w/ friends or stockpiling when its on sale, or planning for a party. you haven't seen her DRIVING DRUNK, or abusing/neglecting her child-why on earth would you think its appropriate to call social services? I'm sure they have enough serious cases that warrant their attention. I occassionally have a beer on my front porch. Gosh, I hope my neighbors aren't watching!

I agree with letting the police handle it. You have no idea how she will react if you confront her, so let someone else do it. Definitely sooner than later if she is endangering her, her child, and other people's lives by drinking and driving.

before you confont her.. dont.
instead get proof that she is indeed drinking and then driving
there is no law that says you cant drink in your own home, but there is a law that says you cant get tanked and then get behind the wheel.if you confront her before getting proof ie pictures. she will gargle with lysol and pour the beer down the drain.. then come and slash your tires.
untreated alcoholics are not nice people as a general rule.
you are right on the mark to be concerned about her child,someone has to be.
K. h.

I know it is hard, but it sounds like you have an obligation to call social services. There is a report you can fill out with them and ask them to keep your identity anonymous (especially since she is your neighbor). Not only will you be helping her mother, her son, and her, but also you and you family and community- if she is driving intoxicated- she may not see one of the little munchkins in the road. I understand that this is difficult, but if something would happen, it sounds like it would be very hard to forgive yourself. And if it is just a misunderstanding of sorts- ss will be able to find that out as well. Check withn your local department of social services child protective services for your state about how to report this.

Do you live in VA? It's against the law to have opened alcohol in a vehicle - moving or not! Call the police. Otherwise, can you get to know the little boy and make sure he knows he has someone he can talk to and a place to come to if he ever needs it. That's the only person I would concern myself with.

M.:

I'm on the fence here. Part of me says nosy neighbor the other part of me says concerned citizen.

1. It's not against the law to buy alcohol. However it IS against the law to drink and drive. To say that she will "eventually be caught" is VERY SAD - because IF she is drinking and driving will it be YOUR family she devastates when she runs that red light and kills your child but SHE walks away from the accident unscathed?

2. I'd like to think she's storing up for a flood!! (LOL!) buying all that beer. But what she does in the privacy of her home is private.

3. If she pulls the beer from the trunk when she gets home - she's not drinking and driving. However, to state that she drives around drunk while her son is in the car is VERY different! Since you aren't living in the house with her - how can you be sure she's drunk when she gets in the car? Is this just supposition on your part?

Why not friend her? Get to know her and her situation. Maybe what she needs is a friend. You say you aren't good neighbors - whose fault is that?

Can you not swallow your pride and make that first step to befriend her? Believe it or not - you may be the one person to make the difference in her life. It's not your place to judge her life. You don't know what is going on in her life. No, it's not right to drink and drive but if she wants to drink - who are you to judge her for her actions? Why not get to know her before you judge her? For not being good neighbors you seem to know a lot about her life - so instead of judging her - be a friend and see what God has in store for you.

If you see her "drunk in public" (for example, outside of her house) call the police. Many years ago, we had a neighbor who had this problem. We would see him drive home and barely be able to walk to his front door--often falling into the bushes as he did. Weekly, he would put case boxes of bourbon bottles out for the recycling truck. One day, he drove into the wrong parking space (we lived in a row of townhouses) and put his foot on the gas instead of the brake. His car careened through the bay window of our other neighbors home and landed on top of the dining table where the family was eating with their two small children. It was a tragedy. Don't wait for someone else to report it, as we did. I will always wonder if I could have prevented this from happening by reporting this man's behavior earlier on.

This is tough, but as traumatic as social services might be for the kid, it would still be better than a child trying to take care of his drunk mother. You could call social services and tell them what you've seen, and that will probably mean they'll send someone out just to see what's happened. If the child is school age, they may be able to get the school guidance counselor to talk to the child to find out if there's any neglect, etc, going on in the house. Children don't always know to ask for help. I went to school with a guy who didn't know to ask for help (for his drunk father), and amazingly none of the rest of us in homes where that didn't go on, thought to ask for help for him. We were just kids, he needed an adult to step in and we just didn't realize it. He ended up living out of his car for a few months before some of his extended family rented him an apartment, because everyone wanted to mind their own business. Don't wait for that to happen. Call social services.

CALL SOCIAL SERVICES!!! It is not your job to befriend her and then do what??? Do people really think that as a friend you could tell her to stop drinking and driving, etc? How many drunks are there on the road that have friends and family telling them not to drink and drive and yet, there they are behind the wheel.
My primary concern is the kid. How many times do we sit back and see a kid being mistreated at the grocery store---we want to do something but end up doing nothing since "it's none of our business" or "they might get agressive, etc". This is your chance to do something. If she is not drinking and driving and somehow you are mistaken, then good. If she is, then she doesn't need to have the kid with her. I know that's cruel and the kid won't understand, but sometimes we have to be cruel to keep kids (and others on the road) safe.

I say make the call.

I do not think you are being a nosy neighbor. The problem with society is that we all think we are supposed to sit in our houses with the doors locked and let everyone do whatever the hell they want. Then we wonder how the neighbors child was abused and no one ever noticed. If the villages still helped raise the kids, we would have better adults to this day.
You have observed some questionable behavior. Ask to be her friend. Do you have a child the same age as her son? Maybe they can be friends. That way you can find out what is going. However this is a two edged sword b/c if she is driving drunk, she may end up killing another neighbor or you...

You confronting her will do absolutely nothing except piss her off. Call the police and report it when you see her drink a beer and then get in the car. Especially if you know if she is just going to the store and may be back shortly. If the police come when she is driving back up then they can observe her themselves. Definitely call the department of social services and report her there too for endangering the child and they will do what they can.

If you see her drinking and driving, with or without her son in the car, then you definitely should call the police! I would. You could save lives.

getting CPS involved is almost always incredibly terrifying and traumatic for the child involved. what started as way to protect at risk kids has turned into a device that generally creates nightmare scenarios on par with the very few situations that really need the intervention. if you are quite sure she is actually drunk when she gets in the car, call the police. but beyond that you are really sticking your nose into someone else's life in an intrusive fashion. would you appreciate a stranger scrutinizing your actions to this degree? i'm not saying that you should turn a blind eye to dangerous situations, but what you have described thus far does not constitute any sort of confrontation.
khairete
S.

Maybe I have a different perspective here, but I think something needs to be done of course and I think her mother is the person to do it. If her mother is living in that home then she will know what is going on for sure. You should talk to her mother about your concerns, especially for her grandchild. Suggest that SHE drive him to school and pick him up as well as taking him everywhere else he needs to go. Also let her know that you feel a responsibility to report her daughters behavior but you wanted to give her the chance to do something about it first. Her daughter needs AA. You can also notify the police that you feel your neighbor is driving while under the influence and tell them what you've seen. They will know what the law is and will likely have someone keep an eye on her to catch her in the act.

I agree that social services is WAY too traumatic. Don't do that to the little boy. The grandma is probably taking care of him so I doubt there is neglect going on. Riding in the car with his mom whose been drinking needs to be nipped in the bud and the grandma can help with that too by driving him herself. Let the police deal with the drunk driving. If grandma or the police end up calling social services then so be it, but at least your conscience will be clean.