My friend, who I have known since first grade, lives in Tucson, but we're frequently in contact through email and every so often we get together when we're in the same city. She's very strongly religious (goes to church weekly, quotes the Bible, listens to Christian radio stations) but I am not religious at all and she is aware of that. It's a very personal choice for any individual and I respect her for her beliefs. I have absolutely no problem with anybody being religious and I would never try to deter them from that. It's never been an issue in our friendship before, but over the course of the past year, I've begun to feel that not only does she disrespect my decision not to include religion in my life, but that she is also trying to push me into being Christian. While she's never made negative remarks directly to me, she's constantly sending me religion oriented emails, videos, links to Christian websites, and she even subscribed my email address to receive the Verse of the Day without my permission. For a while, I just deleted the messages and ignored them, but they're becoming much more frequent-- about 3 per week and sometimes more.
Is there a tactful way to address this that won't make her feel badly or hurt our friendship? Should I reply to one of the messages saying that while I appreciate that she's thinking of me, that I would like her to stop sending me things with that type of content? I'm not sure how long I can continue to ignore this because it honestly makes me uncomfortable and it feels like she doesn't respect my feelings. Advice???
Many of you were very insightful and have given me the courage to tell my good friend that I understand why she wants me to embrace her religion but that her pushiness makes me uncomfortable. I sincerely appreciate your responses and especially the support from the ladies that are also not religious. It's good to know that I'm not alone. Thank you! =)
I had hoped my request wouldn't elicit negative commentary from anyone regarding my beliefs, but unfortunately I got a few of those responses as well. I wanted to respond to those people by reiterating that choosing to be religious or not is a deeply PERSONAL decision. I was raised in a devout Catholic family and attended Sunday school for much of my childhood where I studied the Bible. I didn't just one day up and decide to banish religion from my life. It was a conscious and educated decision I made as an adult. I'm now the "black sheep" in my family but I'm comfortable with my decision.
I also feel I should address the comment about raising my children without God in their lives... While I may not teach my children about God and the Bible, I am raising them to be GOOD, MORAL, and RESPECTFUL individuals. Not following a religion does not make us "bad" people and we don't need to be involved with an organized religion to know right from wrong. I don't mean to be defensive or overly sensitive, but I felt it was a little unnecessary to include a comment like that when I was simply asking for advice on handling the situation with my friend. =/
I think your idea to respond to one of her messages is right on target. Be firm, explain your feelings with little emotion (if that makes sense), and don't attack her. If she's a real friend she'll accept you as you are and back off.
You may have to consider life without her, though...
Wow - what a pack of advice you've received!
I think it is difficult to be clear when religion is involved. For those who are religious, it is a very personal and important mandate, and there really is no rationality there, That's the point - it is all about the strength of faith, and the power of God. I am from a very religious family, and I am the black sheep. I love my family very much, but there is no escaping the constant push for involvement with Christ from them. I've had to take quite a bit of space from them, when they are unable to respect my requests to back off. It is so emotional for them - yes, they want me to be "saved". But that is fundamentally offensive to me. Faith is personal - it is each person's right and responsiblity to come to some understanding of the Divine. Or not. It is so very private. I have no problem with anyone's right to choose their own path, but I take great exception to those who would try and choose mine for me.
Your friend may not be able to see things from your perspective. If she does not respect your requests to stop already, then your question is "Do I want this person as a friend?" Only you can answer that one.
You have been friends for a very long time and I think you should approach her directly and be honest with her about what your feeling. Explain to her what you said in your statement, that you're uncomfortable with the whole thing and that she should respect your feelings as you do hers. If she is truly a "good christian", she'll understand. Best of Luck!
I go to church pretty much every Sunday...my husband doesn't. So, here is my advice. I think that your idea was the best! Just send her a note explaining that you are uncomfortable with all the e-mails and tell her that if there is ever a time that you would like more information, she will be one of the people that you go to. Your friend is excited and that is fine. But as you respect her choices already, she absolutely needs to do the same. You can love a person and agree to disagree. It is not necessarily easy, but definitely worth it! And that is what being a Christian is ALL about... Unconditional Love!
I agree with you that she'll keep sending stuff until you decide to put up your boundaries. Relationships are tough and we do grow together and sometimes apart. If you have a strong friendship then it won't be a big deal to her if you kindly tell her how you're feeling.
If she can't respect you and your boundaries, then maybe it's time to find a different type of relationship with this person.
I feel like it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves by setting boundaries and protecting ourselves when the line has been crossed. If you don't tell her- it's your burden, if you do tell her- you can let go of the load and move on lightly.
Hi V., =)
I didn't read any of the responses, but I read both of your messages and just wanted to add something to maybe help your situation.
I'm a Christian woman married to an Agnostic man. Prior to marrying him, I figured it would be simple to "change" him and have him become a Christian. In my efforts, I decided it would be best to hear out his thoughts on faith, religion, etc. and openly think them over (hoping he'd do the same when it was my turn). Well, I realized that his mind was a lot more open than my own. In following religion, I was very insecure to learn about anyone else's thoughts or feelings. I was quick to become defensive, finding myself offended by anything that I didn't personally believe.
In listening to my husband and actually opening my mind to the fact that there is NO WAY of actually knowing anything but what is in front of us - I was finally able to love people in a way that I believe Jesus would have wanted me to.
I no longer looked at people who weren't religious as "wrong", nor did I look at people with differing religions as "wrong". I began to understand that everyone is living life the best way they know how, and that if we're sincerely thoughtful of one another, we'll view that above all else and love each other for what we are. We'll position ourselves in a way that our judgment falls solely on our own lives, rather than judging the lives of others.
That said, your friend is in a position where her eyes are only open to what she believes in. She believes that she's trying her best to "help" her friend by leading you to God.
She honestly won't ever be able to see otherwise until she chooses to see otherwise. She'd have to open her mind to your thoughts and step out of her comfort zone, and do it honestly - in order to see anything other than what she chooses.
You're actually in a more secure position than she's in - because you don't feel threatened by differing thoughts amongst your friends... she does.
So - my advise would be to either ask her if she'd be willing to openly try to understand your thoughts and vice versa - without the need of judgment, but rather just thoughtful discussion OR that you just ignore the emails.
It all depends on how strong she is mentally and emotionally - as well as how important the friendship is to you.
As for the people who've felt obligated to spew hate - that isn't an honest representation of Christianity... so, maybe they should look into their own lives and stop butting into yours.
Take good care of yourself and your precious little family.
Good luck with your friend!
I agree that too many Christians are pushy and annoying with their attempts to "save" others. Reply to one of her messages and let her know that although you appreciate her sentiment in thinking kind thoughts of you, you would prefer not to get any more "junk" email, and that if she is interested in sending you personals message to please not make them religion-based. If your friendship means as much to her as it does to you then you will still be friends - if not don't waste your effort.
I am a Republican, my best friend is a Democrat, do you know how hard it was for us not to send each other "offensive" emails snubbing the other's party?? :) My friend and I told each other to just send funny stuff or actual letters... nothing political. She is also an Atheist, I'm a "blended" Christian - Buddhist, so I also do not forward her anything pertaining to religion. Simple as that, be respectful. Tell your friend it makes you feel disrespected and that you two have lots of things in common that you could talk about / send emails about instead.
i too am not particularly religious and so many so called firends also worried about me not being 'saved" becasue the bible said so. i found that the more i told them not to the more they did it. my beleif is that the bible is a book that was written by a mere mortal. and different people interpret it to benefit what they want to beleive. that is good and well but i dont like to be pushed. unfortunately most of those firends have gone our of my life because i go so frustrated and the "discussions" were not fun any more. i think that if you sit her down and tell her, i want to keep bieng yor firend, we have been friends for a long time and i dont want to lose that but it makes me very uncomfortable whenyou dont respect my beleifs and if you cant stop pushing yor beleifs on me we will jsut have to part ways. i respect yor beleifs and i think you should respect mine. i understand that you worry about my spiritual health but i am a big girl and i have made a decision that is different form yours and im not going to change my mind. block the emails, send back the snail mailings. if that doesnt work then do the same thing to her. subscribe her to an atheist group or to some ohter thing that she finds disturbing and send her stuff like she does you. she needs to get a taste ofher own medecine. if she is a good friend she will respect that, if she doesnt then she wasnt as good a friend as you thought. no one knows for shure if there is a hell or heaven. no one knows exactly what lies ahead. some people are jsut too insecure to make up theri own minds about stuff and they rely on religion. but organized religion is the biggest scam in the world to me. why lese would they need finacial contributions. as far as i know, it is a group of scammers that benefits form weak minded people.
V.
I think you have received from great advice from these women. But maybe you should do some research yourself about where and when and the scientific facts about where the bible came from, who wrote it and why. Real research, not just what you believe. Then you may have some of those unanswered questions answered and you will have the facts. It will help you respond to not only your friend but to your self and others.
God Bless
No person can "make" you be a Christian. It is God speaking to that individual soul who causes the change. She is trying to do what only God can do, which isn't right. I guess you can tell her that you hear her and will consider it, but her constant pushing of it on you is harming your friendship. Each soul has a different timing. I have a good friend who is mormon (I am a Christian), and neither of us pushes our religion on the other, and we just agree to disagree for the most part. Your friend may or may not be able to accept that.
To be a Christian is not a religion, but to have a relationship with Christ, nothing more, nothing less. She obviously has experienced the wonder that comes with that relationship and loves you so much that she wants that for you as well. You need to be honest with her that it makes you uncomfortable when she does the things she does. It can be very overwhelming to someone who doesn't know Christ, to have a close friend that is a strong Christian and doesn't realize that her enthusiasm may be pushing you away even more. I think that a gentle reminder to her that if you are ever going to have a relationship with Christ (be a Christian), it needs to be in your own time and can't be forced. If she is a good friend, she should listen and respect your feelings. At the same time, an understanding that her life decisions include Christ, and her conversations about her own life may reference Christ and the bible, needs to be equally respected since that is a big part of the person she is. Talk to her... :)
Please forgive me if I sound too religious, for I am a Christian as well.
First off she has no right to sign you up for anything using your email without your permission.
Second, you have a right to your decision as much as she has to hers. You may tell her that I feel that since God has given everyone free will that He wanted people to make up their own minds, we have no right to force it.
I would tell her that making you uncomfortable is having the opposite effect of what she is intending. Tell her you need a little space. She also needs to respect your decision. I have a verse for you to give her to read. It is 1 Corinthians 9:11, 12.
I'm sure she has a heart for God, but there is a correct way to evangelism.I hope that once you tell her you are uncomfortable with her pressure she will give you space. I am sorry that you had this experience with Christianity. I hope you know that not all christians are pushy and disregard rules of common decency.
Hi V.,
I was brought up a church-going Catholic, left it and came back to it in recent years, but I wouldn't say I'm particularly religious. It sounds like you are doing a great job of raising your children to be excellent 'christians', just without the label and the add-ons. Good on you for being so tolerant of your friend.
I'm no fabulous diplomat, but here's how I'd do it: I'd meet this friend, ask her WHY she is trying to push religion on you, thank her for caring but explain that her means may be preventing her desired end, and specify exactly what parts of her behaviour make you uncomfortable. If she's that much of a Christian, she should manage to take it in good part.
I understand how that can be frustrating for you. There's no reason you couldn't just politely explain your feelings if she's a true friend and a true Christian then she will back off and just continue to be a good friend and keep you in her prayers. She has to understand that you can't push people into religion ... it has to be a choice. As a Christian myself one of the hardest things is to do what we believe we are supposed to do (which is tell anyone and everyone about God) without overdoing it and pushing people away. It's definitely a fine line for us to walk. So just understand where your friend is coming from and she's just doing what she believes she's supposed to do. She just might be overdoing it a little bit. She probably just doesn't understand how it's making you feel, so just let her know and everything should be fine.
Just tell your friend to please stop sending the emails and that you feel like she is trying to push her beliefs on you. I have strong beliefs also, wouldn't call it religiousness though, but I would never push it on someone who absolutely shows no interest. If you are to believe, you'll come to it on your own, but maybe thank her for her concern.
Im so sad that you wouldnt want to have God in your life, your friend is showing you the best gift she could ever give you. The gift of enernal life in heaven with Jesus. Im not going to push anything on you. Think about it, you have 2 kids what do you teach them? In hard times who to lean on? You can lean on Jesus He loves you and wants to be with you in good times and hard times, remember its not religion its a personal relationship with God she want you to have. Wow your friend really loves you and wants the best for you and your family. You should really try to learn about the love of Jesus your friend is showing you. This is the greatest gift she could give you. If you read your bible you will reaize that this is the end of times. God loves you and so does your friens. love, C.
It will be hard for your friend not to be sending you things that pertain to her faith because she is so involved and may be becoming more so. She may derive much pleasure or comfort from this and only wishes you to experience the same.
I guess another way to put it...if you found some wonderful resource, you would want to share that with your friends. you might even think it a crime not to.
I think maybe you need to identify what it is that keeps you both together. And then remind your friend to stay on that or those topics.
She may be changing ...and not showing as much interest in the things that used to keep you together. The friendship may be destined to wither and die. If Christianity takes up more and more of her viewpoint, thoughts and time...how can it not?
It is sad to contemplate losing a friend...but sometimes it just happens as we go and grow throughout our lives.
V. ~
I absolutely agree with Carol in that your friend doesn't have the right to push so hard. Real, genuine Christianity isn't a collection of rules and regulations like a "religion"; it's about a relationship with Jesus. I can pretty much guarantee you she's not checking you off some kind of list. But Christian means "Christ-like". None of what you described sounds like anything Jesus did while He was here. He never harrassed anyone into a relationship with Him - neither should your friend.
That being said, as a devoted follower of Christ, I know where she's coming from, and I'd like to share that with you because it might be useful for retaining your friendship. The Bible is clear about what happens to those who reject Jesus' gift of salvation in this life. She's trying to save you, V.. (Feel free to remind her that she believes God is the only one who can possibly save.) I myself have felt that sense of urgency for someone I desperately love. If your loved one's house is on fire, your gut reaction is not to knock quietly on the front door, explain the danger of the situation and request that they please come out, so as not to offend him. You want to bang as hard as you can until he runs to safety. It sounds like your friend loves you this way.
You have the right to tell her to back off. You need to draw the boundary lines, V., or she'll never realize it's too much. Tell my sister in Christ I love her and to cool it! And all the best to you. :)
~ R.
I think that if she is truly your friend then she will respect your choices and accept you as you are. So ask her to please stop sending this information to you. If you don't tell her how you feel, how is she supposed to know?
