My good friend that lives about 8 hours from me just recieved some horrible news. She is 18 weeks along with twins. One of the twins is growing and is healthy the other is not growing and has no brain. Mostlikely it will die before she gets to term and if it is alive when she delievers it will only live for a very short time. She is going in for genic testing on Wednesday to find out more info. I am so heartbroken for her and I am jsut not sure what to say or do. I wish that I was able to visit her so that I could give her a great big hug and be there if she needs anything. I am not able to travel and see her right now. I just hate being able to only talk on the phone with her. I told her yesterday that I would being thinking of her and sending her positive thoughts. Any suggestions on what else I can do for her?
Thanks
Tina
Just let her talk and vent. Even if she repeats the same thing over and over again. Let her tell her story! Talking about it helps tremendously and many people don't know how to handle situations like this so, they ignore it. The more she gets to talk about it, the more it may help her grieve.
I agree with Lynn - just listen. I lost my son's twin at 11-1/2 wks and some folks would say things like "it was probably one of those twins that hurts the other twins, so its good that it died naturally". Not that YOU would say something like that, but sometimes folks think they need to say something, then say something stupid :)
When something like this happens to a friend, I mark my calendar for every 30 days thru the first year, and follow up. It sounds silly, but it really helped remind me to check in. And most times, they get support early on and then the support dies down when its needed most.
Hugs to you both!!!
Just tell her how sorry you are. Don't say a whole lot because most of the time, the more we talk, the more opportunity to say the wrong thing. If you pray, tell her that you are praying for her. It is so hard, but just knowing that you care is a huge blessing. (I lost a twin also, but not that far along.)
I would come up with cute, fun things you could send her every other week or so, such as a card, a book, a movie, flowers, etc. Appoint yourself her fairy godmother and send her all the sweet, wonderful things you'd like to get if you were going through a tough time.
If it were me, I'd start with a "I'm glad we're friends" card. Then I'd send her a copy of my favorite book. A Starbucks card for a fun drink. Send her a snapshot of you two doing something silly from way back when or find a meaningful poem. The gift of words--funny, inspirational, heartfelt, whatever--will be something she could go back to over and over. I did this for my best friend after she had her second child and was going through a rough patch. My friend loved just knowing I was in the background caring about her.
Good luck.
Call in just to chat with her (not just to check on her physical condition) and ask how is SHE doing. Let her know that you are there for her .
A friend of mine had twins that had to have surgery to be unconnected while she was carrying them. One girl passed soon after surgery and then the other passed about a month after the surgery. There was nothing we could say to stop her pain but just being there and the cards helped her through she said. She delivered her baby's at 8 months. Let your friend know you are there, just a call away at any time of day she may need an ear.
That is so sad. I would send her a card now and also again in a couple of weeks, just to let her know that you are thinking of her and offering her your support and a listening ear if she needs to talk about it. Just knowing that you are thinking of her will hopefully make her feel your supportive energy from afar.
R.
My best friend is going through the exact same thing. She will deliever hopefully in October. I posted on this some time ago when I found out. Some people posted some really great ideas you should check them out.
I think just listening and sending some thinking of you cards would be really nice. One thing I didn't see mentioned is that even if she loses that twin early, when the healthy twin is born she's probably going to be a mix of emotions and will need more support then (and maybe even at big milestones like birthdays for awhile). This happened to a good friend of mine before I knew her and she said she was both happy and excited about the surviving twin and heartbroken about the other twin all at the same time.
You can find some helpful suggestions on how to support and encourage your friend at the web site for the Center for Loss in Multiple Births http://www.climb-support.org/ - it's a support group founded by and for families who have suffered the loss of one or more multiples during pregnancy or later in life. But like others have said, just letting her know you're thinking of her and are willing to lend an ear anytime she wants to talk and cry, and sending her some "thinking of you" notes would be a great way to be there for her.
