Death of an Unborn Child - Springfield,OR

I wouldn't. I've miscarried twice and I would not have wanted a gift like that. Giving them a living memorial (like a small bush, bulbs that you'll plant for them, etc) is probably a better option. It's thoughtful of you to want to give them something. Maybe just a shoulder to lean on when they're ready.

I wouldn't. I think I would find it incredibly upsetting. I would get her a nice card instead and maybe send her some flowers.

Do not please. Save them. She might have a living child. Years ago a friend of mine birthed a baby who died within the hour. It was on a respirator. She being Jewish did not even name the baby because it never took a breath on its own. Jews also don't name a baby who is stillborn.
Our great grandmothers had stillborns and babies that died within a few hours of birth much more often than we in our well fed well medicated society do.
Your friend's baby never took a first breath. Keep the shoes for another child whose little feet will kick with joy to have them on.

I would be heartbroken, having been in the same place many years ago. Another person may react differently.

FOR MYSELF... the hardest thing TO THIS DAY (12.5 years later)... is all of the "might have been's" and "what would she _______." The shoes would be a knife in my heart with those vicious circle thoughts. Picturing all the things she might have done while wearing those shoes. For the first several years following, I was quite raw following my daughter's death, though I covered it 'well'. At some point the grief at never having been able to meet her (she died between 6 & 7mo... about a month and a half before her due date) turned reminicent. I'm still sad for her and myself... but in a wistful way instead of a wracking way.

Please don't do it. My sister lost her daughter at 39 weeks. I had already sent her lots of clothes for her daughter. The nursery was set up, the car seat was ready, everything was in place for her daughter's homecoming. It was so heartbreaking for my sister and BIL to put everything away after coming home from the hospital without a baby.

About a year later, my sister had to have a friend come over to help her go through and donate all the baby clothes that she had received. She kept a few things, but I don't think she would ever want to use any of those clothes on another child, even if she did have another girl.

Donate the shoes to a charity, be a good listener to your friend, and maybe make some meals for her or give her a restaurant gift card.

OK,,,,if you ever looked up my answers on Mamapedia you would say.."she knows her stuff"... But this time I am at a loss for an answer. I think I would tell her that I bought shoes for her newborn and ask her what would she like me to do with them? Her answers could range from "save them" to "burn them" to "I am not sure". Follow her lead. What a tragic situation for her to be in---- and what a great friend you are. God Bless both of you...

How far along was she when she lost the baby? I feel I can't answer the question without knowing that info. If it was a miscarriage (before 20 wks) I would probably not give the shoes. If it was a stillbirth (past 20 wks) I would consider it but you know your friend best. It will make her cry if you give the shoes but it may also let her see that you get the enormity of her loss and that you saw her baby as a real baby and that those shoes were meant to be for that child.
Sharing my own experience, which is a little different although I miscarried my first baby early on so I can relate to that too... But my son died when he was 17 days old. A friend of mine called me on the day her child turned 17 days old and acknowledged again my loss. Words can not describe what this gesture meant to me. I think most people would be afraid to call me on the day of their child's 17 day since birth knowing what I loss on that day but if you think it doesn't cross my mind anyway you would be mistaken so why not just mention it even if it makes me cry. (I hope this made some sense)
One other thing I feel is that in the early days/year of a loss like this, it is on your mind anyway so any so called reminder of the loss just comes across as thoughtful to me. I always appreciate it when someone mentions my son.

EDIT - To Laeh-Maggie G - I do not get offended easily. I am a glass is half full kind of person and I believe that most people's intentions are good. Your response stating that "IT was on a respirator" however greatly upset me. "It" was either a he or a she whether the baby was named or not. Additionally, what was your point about our grandmothers having stillborns and experiencing infant death more frequently than today? I sure hope you were not implying that we need to toughen up today. It is ALWAYS a tragic loss when a baby dies regardless of the circumstances or time.

I don't think it would be insensitive, but I wouldn't do it. They will serve as a reminder of the pain of losing the baby, and I wouldn't want to contribute to that. There are many other ways that you can help your friend deal with her loss. Maybe after some time has passed, and she is in a better place emotionally, you could give them to her. But for now, find another way to comfort her.

I would NOT give the shoes. Your friend might want someone there not space. Ask her. Call her up weekly. I think it is very lonely when everyone gives you space.

I wouldn't. My friend just lost her unborn baby and I was just a listening ear. I kept wanting to give her something but decided against it.

No, I think having to look at those empty shoes would be traumatic to her.

I wouldn't. But maybe hang onto them in case she needs them again...

No I wouldn't. I would maybe get her a pretty sympathy card, bake her some cookies or a nice casserole and be there for her to talk to if she needs. After time, if it ever comes up, maybe you can tell her you had gotten her a gift of baby shoes and ask her if she would like them, but I would wait a long while.

No, I wouldn't give them. I would save them for when she has another baby in the future. In the mean time, I would bring meals over, be a listening ear to her and a shoulder to cry on. Don't tell her about the shoes.

GL

M

I wouldn't give them. It is like a reminder of her loss. Maybe give her something she can use herself; something she likes; maybe something she can eat.

This was wise of you to ask for advice.

I would not give them to your friend. I can tell you from experience that a very well-meant gesture like this would not be welcome. In the situation your friend is experiencing, she is likely going to feel in shock, and there's no way this will feel good for her. Perhaps you would feel good donating them to a women's shelter or another charitable agency, but I wouldn't tell her about it. She is going to have a huge loss to grieve, and your using some loving discretion right now is going to be her best ally.

I would encourage you to grieve your own sense of loss-- if this is what you are feeling-- in some healthy ways. Some of us want so much for our friends, and we know how much having this baby meant for them. If you are feeling sad about this, perhaps you can write it down somewhere, those wishes for your friends, and burn them if need be to release them. I've been in this place too,grieving the losses my friends have suffered. It's good to say "I'm so sorry. Let me know what you need." and to give space for a while, even a month or so.

You sound like a caring friend. Understand, too, if you don't hear from her for a while. Drop her a condolence card, though. Those are always appreciated.

H.

Yes it would be inapropiate, instead cook her some dinners, be there for her when she needs to talk or cry.

Are these shoes the baby would have worn, or decorative "baby" shoes (silver, etc?) Not for the first, yes for the second.

I agree with every one else. Do not give the shoes, just hold on to them or return them. Also I would stay away from sympathy cards and give Thinking of you cards. They have the same sentiment but are not a reminder of her loss, instead a little smile that she has a friend that cares.

Don't give them to her without a warning at least. If she is okay talking about it ask her. Otherwise just set them aside or give them to a charity or someone else.

If she was far enough along to have a funeral and your her very best friend in the world ...maybe you wouldn't have to ask us...I'm trying to put myself
in your shoes with my bff...THE ONLY way I'd EVEN THINK to give them to her is if they were crafted into some kind of memorial...possibly for the grave? Or garden if she has a pretty place she sits outside, idk how to Do it but i check out having them cast in stone...or a precious metal...kinda resembling a trophy... Except maybe mount them on a rectangular square, engrave it's name, a set of wings and a psalm...an still considering she's handling the death well. Myself? My sister found and framed a pic of my true love after his death-while completely unlike loosing a child and in no comparison-I don't handle death well-and I held it and cried and when I wasn't crying i sat in silence. But please don't just give her shoes :,( I'm not sure even my bff would take that well. Best wishes

No, I would not want those ever.

i think after sometime has passed she'd LOVE the gift. but wait until it's easier for her to talk about without crying. i've had 3 miscarriages and can tell you that in the beginning even good-intentioned words and acts can cut right to the bone. she's your friend, you know her better than we do. just giving some personal insight here. the best thing you can do for her right now, is be a good listener- when you experience something so devistating you need good ears and shoulders. best of luck to you and your friend.

option #2 would be to hold onto them. chances are she'll get pregnant again.