One of my really good friends had a miscarriage on Tuesday. This is after months and months of trying to conceive. She tried for several years and had many miscarriages before the birth of her first daughter....I have never been through any of it (I have been super fortunate with my pregnancies) so I can only imagine what she is going through. Other things are also not going her way this week so it is a really tough week for her. I know nothing will make any of it better, but I would like to do something for her that may just take her mind off things for a little while.
I have thought about bringing her a frappucino and a magazine like People or maybe a good easy reading book. Maybe a candle or some scented bath stuff. My thought behind this is....coffee always makes things better. It could be a dessert after she has lunch and then she could take a bath (her daughter is at her mom's and I know relaxing baths are far and few between for mommies) and read her magazine. I definitely know it won't change anything, but I thought it might help a tiny bit.
I could use some thoughts, opinions or other ideas on what I could do for her. I feel horrible that she and her family or going through this and would like for her to know that we are thinking of them during this difficult time.
I did not know about not bathing after a miscarriage, so thanks for telling me. I ended up getting my friend a $5 gift card to Starbucks, a US weekly magazine and a small pot of very bright yellow mums. I also left a note saying I'm sorry about everything for her and to let her know that my family and I are there for her and her family if they need anything. I also wrote that I would be more than happy to be silent company or someone to talk to if needed. Then, I left everything at her front door. I have the feeling that she is wanting to be alone for a few days. Thank, Moms, for your advice and sorry for your losses as well. I have know idea how anyone feels that has gone through this and yet I cry every time I think about it :-(
My friend called me after receiving her gift and was extremely appreciative. She had only been texting before so I think she is feeling a tiny bit better. She was ecstatic over the Starbucks gift card and said she couldn't wait to read her mag.
Those are great ideas. I think just being a shoulder to lean on is the best thing you can do.
You didn't mention on how far along she was, but if she was far along where she had to deliver the baby, there are necklaces and other pieces of jewelry that acknowledge the loss in a peacful and beautiful. Kind of like gone, but not forgotten.
Just an idea.
I'm gonna cry reading all this. Thank you for being a caring friend. I'm sending a wish to you right now - that if you ever need a friend, someone is there for you too. The world needs more thoughtful people like yourself!
Your ideas are great and you seem to know your friend very well. It's great that you're thinking of this as most people just send their regards and forget about it. Just being there is great, but taking her out and doing the stuff you mentioned let's her know you really care! That's great and she's so lucky to have someone like you!
I think that's a very thoughtful and kind idea. Let her know you are thinking of her and like another mom said let her talk. Taking something over to her, sitting and listening if she wants to talk, just stopping in for a bit is a kind and thought way to say hey I care.
I had a miscarriage and back then people were different then they are now, I was put across from the nursery at the hospital, wow! was that so ever depressing. Now I understand hospitals have a totally different area they place women for gyn stuff and miscarriages. No one wanted to talk to me about it, I felt like a misfit, everyone wanted to act as if nothing happened like I was never going to have a baby. I didn't even have a friend that stopped by to visit me. Now things are different and folks see it's nice to to something for the person.....taking in interest is very kind of you and she won't ever forget it...there still are folks out there that act freaked out and don't want to say they are thinking of them and are sorry for their loss.
Your friend is fortunate to have you. It brought tears to my eyes thinking back on when I had my miscarriage 2 years ago, and know that this is just what she needed.
The emtions of a miscarriage are the same as with any death. Especially that of a child, and then sometimes more. There were hopes, and wishes, and and good night hugs that are gone without the first hello. Let her talk willingly about the pregnancy. Don't avoid the topic. Don't use terms like 'for the best', 'wasn't meant to be'. Let her be mad. Let her get ANGRY.
Let it be about her. Let her grieving be about the baby.
Just going over, hanging out, and watching chic flicks with lots of crying involved helps. Popcorn, with TONS of butter! Or a HUGE sundae / pint of Ben & Jerry's :-)
Maybe arrange to have dinner delivered. Maybe some groceries.
While your visiting just quietly help with a few chores, etc.
If she was far enough along where she had purchased some items. Help her create a keepsakes box. Offer to return any other items, or donate them for her to a shelter, if need be.
While the thought of a relaxing bath is nice since she doesn't have the other child, she's not really supposed to take one for a bit. Same rules apply as when you've had a vaginal delivery.
Hugs.
M.
After my first miscarriage, my sister took me to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants and to a matinee movie. It was helpful for two reasons, I was able to talk about it with her and then I was able to lose myself in movie for a couple of hours. After my second miscarriage, I needed to talk and I needed to be alone so I think you are on the right track with your ideas except the bath. It is usually recommended that you don't take a soaking bath until after the bleeding has stopped because of the risk of infection.
Also, help caring for her daughter. You said that her daughter is at her mother's now but your friend might need a break when her daughter comes back.
Another thing is to be there over time. Having a miscarriage is as much a process as an event. Even thought her body may be physically healing, emotionally, it will take much longer and having good friends around will help.
After my miscarriage I did not know how to deal with it let alone tell other people how to deal with it. I think you're idea of a sweet, caring gift is great. I might recomend having it delivered, or leaving it on her doorstep with a note that says you are there for her and ready to listen, console, grieve, yell, cry, eat, laugh....whatever she needs with her when she's ready to do it. This way she can reach out to you when she's ready to do so.
What a great friend you are! I just went through one this week, so I have some input here. She is probably feeling like no one understands and lonely. Be there for her if she wants to talk and do the things that you already mentioned. You have great ideas and I just want to hug you right now for caring about your friend so much!
That would be sweet of you! If she is a good friend, just follow her lead. Don't be offended if she'd like to have privacy OR maybe she'd like to talk. You know her best so follow your gut.
Just try not to say things like "something was probably wrong with the baby" "it's nature's way" "it's for the best" etc.
Let her grieve and be there to listen if she wants to talk.
A bouquet of flowers or a plant--even something she can plant in her yard (small tree/shrub) would be nice too!
Hi C.,
I agree with the ladies that you know your friend and you are very thoughtful. Your ideas are great. The only thing I would add is let her talk. She's feeling things that no one else understands (I miscarried once with twins but I've never had multiple miscarriages and never had to try to conceive). Dessert and coffee are best when shared. Quiet comfortable company is always good!
M.
