Friend Going Through Divorce

Friend or not I would not get involved in that decission, just from what you said it sounds to me like she is being selfish and not even thinking about her kids 2 and 23 please. This other man is not thinking either, if she will leave her childrens dad for him, who's to say she won't leave him for another man? the only thing I would have told her and I have told friends this, us that loving someone is a decission not a feeling. You are not wrong she did give too fast. and maybe it's not just him who needs to change, I would bet money it is both who need to change, Those poor kids. J.

In very rare instances do I ever feel divorce is the answer. The fact that she doesn't want to go to counseling, or really dig in and address these "feelings" (or lack of) with her hubby shows she is not really trying.
YIKES! I know that souds harsh, but I had a friend recently go through this - she actually did cheat, her and her husband were in the middle of a divorce when the other guy ditched her and she got the wake up call that her husband was the best guy (which he is, btw). Four months later they are in counseling and the "cheating" stirred up a lot of conversations that needed to happen, but just didn't.
OK all that to get to this point - without the cheating - your friend and her hubby probably DO have the same feelings, they have just lost how to connect with them. Counseling and working on communication really do help!
Suggest that to her and if your male friend pops by again - tell him he needs to leave the couple alone until they can get their situation worked out without him in the picture. If they can't and the couple still choses to seperate, HE won't be the reason - a much clearer conscious.
as you can tell, I am a proponent of the institution of marriage and think too many people today take it for granted that it is some heart and roses feeling 24/7. It isn't. It can be work and we need to be willing to work for it.
Promise, I am getting off my soap box now - LOL!
Good luck in this situation as the middle man.

Would she have left her husband if she hadn't reconnected with her old flame? This really upsets me as we are going through a similar situation in our family. I just can't get my head around what goes through people's minds sometimes and how they twist the situation around in their own minds to make themselves feel better about what they are doing. Your friend is going to do what she wants to do. As her friend, I would say just be there for her children, because they are going to be the ones that will suffer from her selfishness. And yes, it's selfish on her part. Marriage is NOT easy, nor is it a walk in the part everyday. It takes work and dedication. Crushes happen, infatuations happen, but as an ADULT, spouse and parent, you should have enough common sense to take yourself OUT of the situation before true feelings develop. My heart goes out to her husband and her children. And BTW, the other man, the one that said he didn't want you to be in the middle, well, he put you in the middle when he opened his mouth to you. His "nice gesture" wasn't so nice if you ask me!

i'm with you, i consider anything that one is not willing to share with one's spouse a form of dishonesty, even if it's not outright cheating. not okay.
it's also hard not to be somewhat judgmental, especially when it's a situation you're privy to in this fashion.
but your best bet is to try and remain detached. everyone rationalizes what they do to some degree, and it's natural (while not admirable) that she is doing it here. you don't have to agree with her, but try to stay available as an ear and a sane sounding board. or if that's too much, just gently disengage until she's worked through this. expressing your disapproval to her won't do anything but create hard feelings.
khairete
S.

You are thinking the same way most of us would think when a friend's marriage is in trouble.
Yep, she seems to be doing things in the wrong order and in the wrong fashion.... she's caught up in "adultry" and will be very embarassed about it later when she comes to her senses.
If you have a good relationship with that guy, maybe could mention to him what a "snake" he is being slithering into another mans marriage. Your g/f will eventually see him as that when her "affair" is all said and done.
She's not seeing the repercussions this can cause and is being very selfish.
She's being controlled by "lust" and allowing it to completely destroy any shred of reconsilliation for her marriage... sad deal.

I agree with you on all counts. She has given up on her husband since reconnecting with this guy and is definitely cheating on him....for a woman especially, the emotional connectedness of sharing a pizza and a movie is absolutely cheating. For men I would say physical contact more.

You are in a tough spot. I would tell the guy that he should think as long and hard as he can about this because getting into this situation would make him partially responsible for the breakup of a marriage and also responsible for 2 little kids. IF they stay together he will be raising kids that aren't his own. Also say to him that he BETTER plan on marrying her because it will not be worth it otherwise and that is what this woman defintely wants from him. Maybe all of this will scare him away(hopefully). It is all true though so you should definitely say it to him.

If it is something she wouldn't tell her husband about, it is cheating in my eyes. She shouldnt be keeping secrets from her husband.
It sounds like she is thinking the grass may be greener on the other side, but that isnt always the case. I would agree that she is giving up to soon. There is always counseling to try. Maybe they have lost their "spark", but she should really try to rekindle that flame. she did love him and thought he was great at one point.