Friend Etiquette

We handle this a couple of ways. 1. Don't leave a message. If the child she wants to play with isn't home when she calls and you know you are going to call someone else, don't leave a message (if its an answering machine). If someone is home simply say "I was hoping Sarah could come play, but since she's not home, I guess we'll do it another day". 2. Have the friend you called 1st come over along with the other child if this is practical. 3. If you don't want the 2nd child coming since someone is already there, I would answer for the child saying "oh Sarah, thanks for calling back, Megan wanted to see if you could play today, but unfortunately, she isn't able to play anymore. We'll call you another day." Or, if you didn't call the friend and they are just calling to play, simply say "Megan already has a friend over, can we try to do it another time?" You can also invite the child over, again, if you are OK with that, or just set another day for a playdate with that child.. I don't see any reason to lie or anything like that. But to stop the situation from happening, just don't leave a message.

We have called a friend to find that that particular child has a friend at HIS house and the mom says "Well, he can't come there because xyz is here but abc is welcome to come here too!"

When it has happened at my house (my son is the same way--leaves a "can you come over" message and moves to the next name on the list) we invite the other kid as well...telling him that "Jimmy and Johnny are here playing but you're welcome to come too..."

why not have the other kid over? I have four boys at my house right now - my two and two others....

Can't they both come over and play?

why can she only have one friend over to play? If that is your rule then I guess you tell the other girls that she already has one friend over and that is all she is allowed, she will call you tomorrow.

What about "She can't come to the phone right now, can I take a message?" ?

I would very nicely tell the friend that you have company right now and your daughter isn't able to talk on the phone, but I will have her call you back later today or this evening. I would not specifically say, "no, sorry she is playing with X right now" but I think I have said "I'm sorry she is in the middle of playing a game right now, I will have to have her call you back after dinner." I don't like to mention a specific name of my children's playdate that they already have over as it can just lead to girl drama. Neither do I mention who they are out with if they are not home. As far as the calling child knows, the "company" or person she is playing a game with could just as well be a sibling or family member. Honestly, it helps just to say only that much. And I spent YEARS going along with the "more the merrier" and "neighbor friends are always welcome" Unfortunately, that has caused more tears and stress than has been worth. Someone is ALWAYS left out. Now my policy is, one friend over or out with us at a time. My own girls have been SO much happier with me having drawn this boundary.

"hi Lisa, I'm sorry but Jenny has a friend over. But we'd love to have you over to play. Let's chat with your mom and see if Friday is a good day for you to come over."

Kids need to learn that friends have other friends and that's ok, it's not hurt feelings. But also that you and your daughter still want her over. She was just too late to respond. So maybe scheduling a date is better for the friend and her own family schedule so she doesn't keep missing out on play time.

Seems like it might be more fun if 2 girls came over to play...

If my kids have a friend over I tell the kid what is going on and ask if they want to come over as well. There have been times when we have a village in our house, no fights ever break out, no homes are burned, just more people to have fun with. :)

If your daughter extended a play invitation when she left a message with the first friend and if that friend returns the call within a reasonable amount of time, I would let them come over regardless of who else was already there.

I think it would only hurt someones feelings if they were invited then "un-invited" because they didn't answer the phone on the first ring.

If the caller had NOT been invited over and your daughter is in the midst of another playdate then I would think it is OK to tell the caller your daughter has company and can not come to the phone.

This is a good opportunity to teach your daughter lessons in etiquette (and patience) by pointing out that she can not invite friends then turn her back on them because they weren't able to respond immediately.

That's a great question. I think it depends on your daughter's age-the older she gets the more she should be responsible for handling her own relationships.

Maybe you should start by asking her how she would feel if the scenario happened to her-maybe that will help her slow down her impatience if she realizes she is potentially hurting someone's feelings.

Otherwise, I think handing your daughter the phone and suggesting she say...I'm sorry, since I didnt hear from you right away I made other plans so I can't right now".

You can answer for your daughter. There's no need to hide the fact that you have company over and that it's a friend for your daughter if you plan on also inviting the friend that called over later (ie. at any point and you say so).

In the future, this would be a good time to teach your daughter patience. When she calls someone to come over to play, there's some etiquette in waiting for the person you called to call you back. "Hi, this is Mc'SnowFlayke. I was hoping you could come over to my house to play today. My mom said I could invite you to come between __:__ and __:__ so if you and your mom could please call back by __:__ to let me know we would appreciate it! Thank you!"

That way you have a plan of action and a deadline.

I'd say that she can't come to the phone but I'll have her call back when she can.

Perhaps you could set up a play time for the next day with the friend who calls back later. Then they wouldn't feel too hurt knowing your daughter wants to play with them but at another time.

I guess your daughter could play with both her friends if such a situation arises. The other friends could get to know each other and make friends with each other. The 3 of them might enjoy more together than they would have in pairs! I would say the More the Merrier.

Have the absent friend join the other two at your house.

Is there a reason why the other child couldn't come play, too?

Answer for your daughter and tell the caller that you would love to set up another day for her to come over.