Free Spirit or Just Stubborn?

well, my older son was like this....until my mom started telling him the Tar Baby story....which she made up as she went along! It was pretty much different each time.....

Basically, she would put him on her lap & hold his arms/legs (in a hug) & tell him (in a soothing voice) the story of the little boy who wouldn't listen to his momma/daddy. He was a very good boy who sometimes forgot to NOT do the bad things he thought of.....& he'd let his arms/legs (whatever the situation had been.....touching a breakable, running in the store, etc) do those bad things. & since he was a very good boy...he had to stop those arms/legs from doing those things...because each time they'd do something bad they would stick like tar to his body (which is "why" she was holding him in a hug....so he couldn't move those arms/legs). It was only by promising to be a good boy & be in charge of his arms/legs....that he was released...always with a hug/kiss from Gma.

Sounds like "restraint"....& it was to some extent. But it was never invasive, she was always soothing in her approach, & it taught him that he was a good boy who had to be in charge of his own actions. You know, to some extent, it was a timeout on Gma's lap.....with a parable to boot! What I liked was that - once she got control of him with this method....it worked for us, too! All other methods rarely worked....he just laughed....but Gma's story always worked! Hope this helps!

My older one was like that as a toddler. It was a lot of work to get the basic discipline on track. I felt like all I did was redirect/discipline all day which was exhausting for me. You may be doing things right but you just have to keep doing it over and over 100's or 1000's of times. Preschool helps--you get a break and the kid gets to see everyone following the same rules in school. My son is 5 now and 2 years of preschool (as well as getting older) have made a huge difference. He still likes to push limits, but they are different limits than when he was 2.

The book I liked was _Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child_. The concept that stuck with me was that some kids are experiential learners and need to test the same limit over and over again. So you have to work hard to be consistent with a consequence. My son, as a toddler, didn't like to hold my hand and would sometimes run. He had a child harness/leash. If he didn't stay with me he was on the leash or in the stroller or shopping cart. He "got it" and was off the leash almost completely by age 3. It worked for him because he hates to be restrained. For the same reason holding him on my lap holding down his arms and legs was a big consequence. I only used it occasionally for safety issues--I can recall him running into the street and in front of the swings and getting that kind of time out maybe twice each. Also the restraint type of time out was followed by immediately going home or inside (he loves to play outside). 2 things that helped me were picking my battles (only working intensely on 1-3 behaviors at a time) and picking the best consequence for the misbehavior. I do a mix of time out, loss of toys and occasional restraint or spanking. Sometimes with a 2 year old distraction and redirection work well too. "You can't do X but let's go do Y instead."

Anyway, good luck. It is a hard stage but it doesn't last forever (although some days it seems like it). My mom claims if you do a good job with discipline when kids are toddlers and preschoolers then you don't have to do as much later with older kids and teens. It will be a few more years be for I see if that works out with my kids.

Could be either but right now it may be too soon to tell...she's 2! That is the problem...she is two and is testing her independence (walking, talking) and boundaries (how far she can go, how far she can push her limits with you). Be consistent, but also be understanding.

Redirection tends to work better than "no" and spanking at this age. Instead of telling her "no, don't do that" say "why don't we try this" or even give her choices "would you like to do "this" or "that"?". These tend to work as they get older too.

I have a 4.5 year old and she is a "free-spirit" and knows exactly what you want. The biggest problem is she expects us to just "know" what that is.

Good luck.

She is two and the job of the two year old is to establish a separate 'me' identity from her parents, test boundaries and learn about the world. She is doing her job. Our job is to make her job safe and fun. That means establishing firm boundaries for dangerous things and making them easy for her. I see nothing in your post to indicate your child is anything but normal.

So if she is a runner (some kids are, they grow out of it) you need to hold her hand when she is near the street. You can make walking together fun (jump, hop, spin in circles, make it a game) but you will have to hold her hand (no amount of spanking will make you 100% sure she won't run into the road, will it?).

She hears 'no' a lot. Toddlers respond better to 'yes' - a positive suggestion or a distraction. It's way easier to 'think of a pink elephant' than to 'not think of a blue rhino'. So when she is playing with the door, you say - we don't play with the door, we play with blocks/trains/whatever you want her to play with, let's do that now. And you lead her away from the door to whatever you will play with together.

For listening - you need to make sure you have her attention. Toddlers (like adults) get engrossed in what they are doing. When I tell DH, 'please remember to pick up milk on the way home' I know that if he does not look at me and say ' ok, do we need chugs too?' that he did not hear me. When I talk to DS, I get down to his level and make eye contact. If he is busy (all the time), I touch him to make sure he is listening. And then I ask him whether he heard me (when he was two, I would have him repeat it).

For things that you have told her not to do, I would consider what they are, how important they are and why she is doing them. For example - 'do not play with those books'. For me not ruining books is important so I would set a boundary. Next - where are the books? If they are too accessible, I would move them - avoiding temptation. Why is she playing with them? Well, they are bright and colorful and she can manipulate them (all good reasons). So I would give her something else she can play with that is similar. Finally - can she interact with them in a 'safe way'? Yes, I can take them out, let her use one finger touch and look at them together.

I try to look at interaction with DS as having a win win potential NOT as a zero sum game (where I need to 'win' every interaction). I do NOT need to be right every time. It's ok if I change my mind if DS is right. It's ok if I take a moment to think about whether the statement that just came out of my mouth is good or is just something that was a reflex (stay away from the steps, we don't climb steps!, hmmm, why not, maybe it's time to learn to climb steps).

After all, I am not just raising a child. I am raising a person who I hope will become a thinking, reasoning, empathetic adult who is able to compromise and negotiate. I want my child to learn these things from DH and myself, so I need to model them.

I am not a fan of highly structured programs for youngsters but there are kids who thrive in them.

during these times to me i feel like we are being tested. as moms we have to come out stronger and more stubborn than our children :) the trick is to time out EVERY time she disobeys. "sweetie please don't do that or you will have to go to time out". make THAT your warning, from the FIRST moment. no telling her to stop ANYTHING, without giving a warning about timeout. you will feel like a broken record and you will annoy yourself lol. but then as soon as she continues, straight to time out. no S. chances. you may feel you are being consistent but if there is wiggle room she will take it and run with it - if she is getting the chance to continue the behavior, that is where your wiggle room is. take that wiggle room away and she will see that you mean business. hope that helps...! it seems like every so often (around age 2, around age 3, and around age 4 so far) my son has tested me big time and i have to really clamp down on discipline. once we get through the rough patch and he remembers who the boss is, then it seems like he's great again. good luck!

The book "Raising Spirited Children" has been a lifesaver for me. Some kids are just more Spirited than others. It takes a bit more work to be their parent, but I wouldn't change them for the world, besides when she grows up being hard headed will get her far in life.

Good luck!