Former Friends Excluding Son at Recess

Wow, I hate that kids can be so mean. I think what I would do is try to foster the good relationships he has right now. The kids that he gets along with, make a huge effort to invite them over, get to know their parents, play dates, etc. The kids that are mean need to have some lessons taught to them, but hopefully their parents will do that. I hope it gets better for him!

you've had some good responses so far, much of which I would echo. The only thing I would add is that it would be great to use this as a learning experience for your son. Talk to him about how what these kids are doing and saying makes him feel and teach him to not emulate this behavior when there is a new "weird" kid that gets tormented. If all the kids who get called names and singled out would learn to band together, they would be a MUCH larger group and could have fun together, without worrying about what a small group of "meanies" is saying and doing. Also make sure he understands that just because someone calls him something doesn't make it true and that he shouldn't feel bad about himself but should be confident enough to say, "I'm not a weirdo and at least I'm nice to everyone and don't call them names!"

For now, I agree with your husband. Too much interference will help to "define" your child as a wimp. For as painful as it is, it's important to sit back and allow him to fend for himself. Now, if these "bullies" are tormenting other kids, then you and other parents have a right to complain. So you should keep an eye on their behavior; at least monitor whether it's getting worse.

In regard to the use of "weirdo," is there something he's done recently to draw attention to himself - good or bad? Sometimes being interested in other things, for example, (liking art over sports) makes a child appear to be an outsider. If that's the case, talk to your son and be sure to foster his interests, despite what others may think.

If he's exhibiting behavior that's odd, for lack of a better word, discuss ways he can change. Has the teacher noticed anything in regard to your son?

If he does indeed like certain activities, enroll him in one over the summer. He's likely to make other friends - and quite possibly friends from his own school. Plus, it gives him a chance to shine in something, which is a good ego booster.

Kids outgrow each other. Hopefully, your son will see that he has little in common with his old peers and will move on to others who appreciate him.

Is this a one time thing or happening all the time? My daughter will cry that the kids won't play with her when what I found was that they just didn't want to play what she wanted to play. there was one kid that was picking on her and the teacher is going to intervene in the future. I would try to find out more about what is going on. I used to have this happen to me when I was in grade school so I feel really bad for your son, but after my daughter, I can see that there may be many layers to what is going on. Don't feed into it but try hard to get to the bottom of what is going on if he cries again.

Me personally i wouldn't interfere very much. Because sadly to say but some kids will say things happened at school and just either didn't or out of easily bothered by things. If you really believe something is going on what i would do is find out what time recess is and drop in unannounced. I wouldn't tell anyone (Even your son) you will be there. You might even not want him to know you are there. Just watch him and see if there is trouble. Sometimes kids will say there is trouble because they want to play with a certain person and they won't want to. They will take it all different ways and none is wrong but sometimes it's nothing anyone is really doing. They just need to learn how to deal with it and normally they will on their own. If you get into it to much you will end up making it more than it is and they won't deal with it.
If it was me i would leave it alone for a while 2weeks and if it doesn't resolve it's self i might to the visiting thing and watch to make sure it's not something.

This has happened to my kids too and it's tough--second grade and the first year of middle school seem to be the times when this sort of thing peaks.

It is hard to watch your child in pain--believe me, I know--but think of this as a chance to talk through some possible options with your son, all with the aim of empowering him instead of (unintentionally) making him feel more helpless and more victimized. See if there's a special project he can help the librarian with at recess (the kids will wonder how he got to do something that cool) or if there's a special book he'd like to read during that time (and buy it for him)...or just talk to him about how it feels to be excluded and how it's important never to be mean about doing that. Run through some possible comebacks with him. Do some role-playing. In short: give him tools, and then stand back and let him use them. Life is tough and you won't always be there; eight years old is not too soon to start realizing this. And yes, cultivate those play dates. I think of the mom's role in friendships at this stage as being sort of like a match-maker. The "matches" don't always work but in the early years you need to help steer your kid, as much as possible, toward friends who will be good for him.

When my older daughter was being bullied (gossipied about, pushed in the hallway, made the target of ridicule)--this was in 6th grade--we took a long walk in the woods and talked about how important it was to have a small "posse" of her own (friends who'd stand by her), about why people do this, ab out using humor as a defense and about why I trusted her to handle this. The bullying did not stop overnight, and there was one occasion I had to speak to another child's mother, but eventually it did pass and my daughter ended up being very proud of how she handled a mean girl the following summer. It was tough and I hated the fact that she was suffering--but my own sister was a true "odd duck" in school and I saw how my mother's over-solicitous reaction had helped to make my sister passive and unable to help herself. I swore I would not do that to my own kid, and subsequent events have reinforced my belief that empowerment is the best way to go. Good luck.

Hi L.,

I am so sad to hear that your son is being bullied by other kids. I think that it is the right thing to do to talk to the teacher. Bullying must be stopped as soon as possible. Also, give your son some tools to help him defend himself. Walking away is not a bad thing. Help him to find kids with the same interests as he has. Does he do any extracurricular activities? Does he like a certain sport, art or music? Get him involved in activities outside of school. Both my daughters play sports and it has helped them to have a whole other group of friends. When school is going bad (fights with friends etc), they have their teammates to talk to and hang out with. Help your son to have a large circle of friends by looking outside of the school for them.

Good luck.

That is sad to hear. I hear from my 7 year old some stories like that. I think you're doing all the right things, absolutely. I would agree with you that this summer it would be a great help to cultivate a few friendships for your boy. I don't know when you can get the class list, but if you can find out in August who is in his class, you could have one or two over to get to know each other before school starts. Also, maybe it's good that your son is in a large school - lots of chances for new friendships. Best of luck with this.
M.

I'm so sorry to hear that your son is going through this phase so young. Kids can be very mean. My family and I just moved here a month ago from Cali. My son has cried to me a few times too, and I want to go throttle someone for causing his pain. But I know that won't help. I don't think it's wrong to make your childs teacher aware of the situation, especially if it becomes an issue of bullying. The teacher needs to be very tactfull in handling this and should bring up topics on how to be a good person and a good friend with the whole class as a lesson rather than singling out the child creating the issue.
You could create some playdates for your son, it may help, but from what I've seen, kids create their little "cliques" at an early age.
Just be there for him, try and take his mind off of school when he gets home. I told my son not to cry or show too much emotion at school, and to wait till he gets home. If the other little guys see that they'll have a field day. Your son isn't a "weirdo",and he didn't have to do anything special or different to be called that. The fact is, kids that age enjoy pushing each others buttons and getting a response.
I'm not looking forward to high school! My little boy is 7 :)

I hope things get better, summer break is right around the corner!

Since you don't have to go to work during the day, my suggestion would be to pop in during recess and actually see what's happenning. Do that during school as well. LEt the teacher know what you're doing because as I have just found out, kids do make up non-existent difficulties between themselves and other children. Though things may change because they're aware of you, if you do this enough without really making a big deal, like you're a room parent or something, they will act natural and you'll see what's really going on. You might see exactly what's happening the first time. I think the plan you're kinda following is pretty good. This is tough territory because it doesn't sound like he's getting bullied per say, more just left out and made to feel alone. Maybe you can also encourage some new skill sets in him, such as reaching out to new and different people. I was the weird one in school too. Some other activites outside of school so all his friends don't come from one place may help as well. Good luck!
A.

I have had the same problem - my DSS is kind of wimpy and it's very hard for him to socialize so he gets picked on a lot...but when it gets physical, then parents should step in. I had to speak with his teacher to stop kids from punching him in the hallway, etc. Teachers have always said nothing is wrong, but they can't see everything going on - and if things get physical, tell the teacher to keep an eye out because other kids should not mistreat him. But in the end, if they are not being physically mean, then the teacher can't force the kids to play with him. Just tell him to ignore the other kids, focus on his true friends and eventually school will be over and he can move on...school shouldn't be so hard and I hate that kids are mean, but it's inevitable, so it's important to remember grades and his actions are important, not what others say.