Following Through Is SO Hard!

If they're throwing a tantrum from being over tired it's totally different than if they're just being rebellious or ornery. I do whatever it takes to calm them down when they get that way. Good job!!

Yes. And I do cuddle and hug him until the crying stops. Why would you not? It's not his fault he is tired. And even if it was, it wouldn't be a teachable moment anyway. Sleep is so important, and so easy to let slide when they are having fun.

Actually...there is a lot of evidence that you should hold him and comfort him when he is crying like that. He's not being bad. He's just overtired and needs a little love. That would very likely help calm him down quickly. It's not teaching him to behave like that just to get attention because you are likely giving him attention during other times (plus, he was super upset because he was overtired).

I know I'm a broken record (assuming some of you read my other posts), but I highly recommend reading Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen. It's very interesting. It's based off of a method from the early 1900's that has had time to be studied and has shown that it's an excellent type of parenting method to make happy, well behaved children and productive adults - much more so than those who are raised with punishment types of parenting (this is based on studies). I love this book, and I haven't even finished it yet. But I have started applying some of what I have learned.

One thing she suggests for when your child is upset, even if they are mad at you, is to hug them. When I first read that, I thought she was a little crazy, but I decided to try it. When my son got upset at me when I told him he couldn't do something, he threw himself on the floor and was crying and upset. My normal response would have been more along the lines of "If you can't behave, you need to go to your room until you can", but I didn't. I looked at it from his point of view. Understood why it was upsetting to my little four year old, and I told him "I know it makes you sad that you can't have that. When I was little and couldn't have things, it made me sad sometimes too. Would you like a hug?" Then I gave him a hug. I listened to whatever he had to say, and we talked, and then he felt all better and was done.

Since I've started responding like this to my children (and sometimes it can be very hard to want to when they are really frustrating me), they have had less fits, behave better, and their fits are resolved MUCH faster once I approach them this way.

They don't always want a hug, and I don't force it on them. In those times, she does suggest doing a positive time out. We do cool down spots. It's a place that is not a punishment at all. It's a place to help him feel relaxed and calm and to get his bearings back. Again, I know it goes against what most of us believe is good parenting/discipline, but it WORKS! It does NOT cause worse behavior. It has way super improved the way our children feel and behave.

I'm noticing that often when my kids would get upset in the past was that part of the reason was they felt a lot of pressure for being in trouble for feeling feelings they didn't know how to deal with yet. Instead of teaching them how to deal with them, I was punishing them for having them. Most of us do that. It honestly makes it worse.

People feel what they feel because they do. You can't really help it. So, instead of punishing for it, teach them the proper way to deal with it. Sometimes that means a hug is all that is needed. Other times, going into their room into a special, calming spot is what they need. Not being punished for being upset makes them feel less upset when they are upset...hehe.

Think of yourself when you're upset. If your husband told you what you were feeling was stupid and told you to go to your room until you can stop it, that would probably make you feel really mistreated. Same with kids. They feel that too.

If, instead, your husband walked over to you, listened to what you were saying and what was hurting you, understood you and validated your feelings then gave you a hug to try to help you through it, I bet that would make most of us feel better faster. Or, if we were way too upset, having a special place to go to that is calming for us would help us sort out our feelings and thoughts. This is the same concept for kids. They aren't different in that way just because they are kids.

I know I"m totally rambling about this. But you mentioned that you just want to cuddle them and give them what they want just to stop the crying. The giving them just what they want part doesn't work if you've already told them no (don't want to go back on your word about things). But the cuddling DOES work. It does NOT make the situation worse or teach them bad behaviors.

Anyway, I won't ramble anymore! I think you'd love the book based off of what you're describing here with your feelings. It was a whole different concept than what I was used to, but she explains it all in a way that makes so much sense, and I especially love that there are years of study that go along with it. Then applying what I've learned so far has given such good results. We have way less fit throwing and anger than we used to.

So....next time, try the hug. Don't give in and give him what he wants if you told him no since you probably had a reason to do that (and definitely did in this case). But relate to him, validate his feelings, give him a hug, and listen/talk with him - never tell him he's wrong or bad for his feelings. Just accept them and hug him through it. Then help teach him what to do when he's really angry. When my son is overtired like this and goes crazy. I will try what I shared above, but sometimes they are just too tired and need to get to bed. I don't discipline at that point. They are beyond able to control themselves, so I just hurry and do what is needed to get them what they need - sleep (or hugs). Okay, I"ll really stop now.

This is not the same as a tantrum and shouldn't be punished. We couldn't understand how our youngest who was always so good would suddenly turn into a little monster. It was because he needed to eat.
But his relationship with his cousins is important so I wouldn't keep him from going there if this is the worst that happens.

I disagree with Dana. I think kids need to know being tired is not an excuse for monster fit throwing. Not that they should be disciplined hard, but you didn't do that. You put him in the car and went home. You didn't make him take a time out, you didn't scold him. You simply left. That was the best reaction, and you did the right thing. He was too overwhelmed, he needed to leave.

My daughter threw very few tantrums, but once she was having one, she would NOT have let me cuddle her. She would stop crying when she was ready to. Being overtired was one of the main reasons she would have a tantrum in the first place.

You gave him what he needed - took him home and put him to bed. Be sure to cuddle him as much as he'll allow tomorrow!

Been there. Just this past Friday as a matter of fact...
Sometimes crying like that is actually best. It gets all of the energy out and usually when the stop they'll fall asleep.

I also agree with calming them down with food and drink, but it sounds like the overtiredness was the factor this time.

Yeah, I do feel sad for her when she's that upset. When she's crying like that I just want to cuddle with her and tell her it's okay, your just tired. I know she's not "misbehaving", she's just overtired and basically crying out (literally) for help and kinda crying herself to sleep. Obviously I don't but that doesn't me I don't want to do it. I carry her in and kinda bounce her in my arms saying 'shh shh it's okay' in a little whisper. I would be pretty irate if my parents (I know it was your SIL) let her stay up late and not have a nap. My mom, for whatever reason, can't get my little one to take a nap and it sucks and I try as much as possible to not have her watch my daughter around the time when she goes down for a nap because I know it won't happen.

I agree with Dana, if she's having trouble falling asleep once I get her in the bed I lay down with her until she falls asleep. I'm not going to "punish" her for being tired lol. You did the right thing by leaving and getting him to bed, but I don't see that as punishing rather than reacting to the situation. Wow, that's cool what you did.. I'm surprised he lasted that long lol. I have to avoid the bath/shower right before bed, that wakes her up *sigh* but Diego is awesome :)

You may want to, cuddle, and hold him, but I would doubt it would help. He is experiencing every feeling all at once, plus he was exhausted. Instead he was instinctively trying to get rid of that frustration.

Every once in a while when our child was like this we would actually ask her and encourage her to "just SCREAM". As loud as she wanted an and as long as she wanted.. I think the most she ever did was 3 long screams and then she blinked and said. "All better!".. We did this outside and away from others.

Sometimes we would ask, "do you just need a good scream?" and she would say yes or no.. Most times no. She knew we needed to give her permission so she did ask a few times..

Try it next time, he will be shocked you are giving him permission. He may just say no, because he is so stunned.

Wait until he's older for those overnights, unless it's necessary. If you think about it, while they are often with relatives they love to play with, little ones on an overnight aren't just sleeping at someone else's house, they've had a whole day or more of not being near 'on routine'.

Yeah, I feel terrible too when those moments happen. You did the right thing, though. At some points, kids get beyond themselves and it sounds like he was wiped out and overwhelmed. At home, it's easier to give some cuddles...not so much to stop the crying, but to make them actually feel better. (I've worked with kids for a long time, and have quite a tolerance for crying, because some things we just *can't* fix.) But in your situation, at someone else's house... you were going to have to leave and have that meltdown at some point.:) Sounds like you did the right thing in a very tough situation!

When my kids are hurt, I like to make the pain go away, but when they are acting like psychos the last thing I want to do is cuddle them. I realize he was tired, but wouldnt that be condoning the behavior?

I just ignore them, take them out of the situation, put them to bed and enjoy the peace in quiet.

You absolutely did the right thing! Once when my oldest was about 4 we were at a waterpark (we had season passes) with a ton of family members, and my son was being a beast because he was so tired. I left with him and took him home for a nap so that he would be rested and in a better mood for a big family dinner that night (it was a family reunion weekend). Well, one family member thought that I was the worst parent in the world for making him leave the waterpark, but my son sure did feel and behave better that night. He also learned through that experience and several other experiences that I mean what I say, and now he is a very well behaved, happy 13 year old. You are doing a great job, Mom!

If I had a nickel for every time I backed out of things or left early because my kids were tired or not going to behave well, I'd be a very wealthy woman. Your child needs to be the most important thing. You might be having a wonderful time with your family and friends, but when it comes right down to it, your kid needs to come first.
As for your child not going over to your SIL's again, that's crazy! I'm sure he had a wonderful time, but the dinner was one thing too many. If you had picked him up in the middle of the afternoon and just brought him home, things would be totally different.
That said, if we were close to home, one of us would take the offending child home and the other would stay behind and enjoy.
He doesn't need extra lovin' tomorrow. He needs the same structure and discipline you always give him. He will be totally over his fit and be a new kid.
Kids aren't like grown ups. They move on almost instantly.
LBC

You did the right thing! Your boy desperately needed to get home and get his rest. We had a similar situation this past Christmas Eve, we had been going form house to house with all kinds of parties and christmas candy, and my 2 year old was SO overly tired and crazy by the time we got to my in-laws house (where we were all spending the night). My husband had the bright idea to keep him up and kept telling him to "run run!" constantly, and my child literally ran until he puked. He was sitting between his uncles and posing for a quick picture and he just puked AALLL over them. Never again!

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I feel like there's a real balance here... in the example you gave I totally would have held him and helped him settle down. At 4, I don't believe that kids always have the ability to do that themselves. I don't feel like it's realistic (or helpful to the child) to expect them to bring themselves back from feeling out of control... they need help when they are hysterical like that.

The balance for me has been when, my daughter in particular, doesn't take care of herself and she pushes herself to these points. It's been very important to teach her that when you choose to not settle down when told, not eat when food is available, not rest when you need it, that the outcome is that you feel crappy and can't control your emotions. And when that happens you don't get a free ticket to be a maniac and/or be disrespectful. I don't punish her, but I don't coddle her either. BUT she's 7 now and not 4... teaching kids how to cope with their emotions instead of punishing them for them is so so important in those early years.

I think you did a good thing mama...