Folllow up to Shy First Grader Question?

I think you absolutely cannot bring this up to your co-worker. What goes on in the school must be dealt with by the school. If your daughters had a playmate and something occurred, you could CONSIDER discussing it, but even then, it's kind of micromanaging friendships. Besides, you cannot tell this mother what her daughter is doing - you only know what your daughter says the girl is doing. Kids are notoriously poor reporters, and even if your daughter is 100% accurate, what's the next step. The mom goes to her daughter who says it isn't true? Then you have a giant she said/she said situation. And the other girl feels tattled on and takes it out on your daughter? Even if you were friendly with the other mom, you can't do it - you are coworkers and this is not a work-related issue.

You teach your daughter to advocate for herself - that can mean speaking up to the other girl, or it can mean teaching her to smile, shake her head in a baffled way, and walk away (letting the other girl know that it doesn't bother your daughter and conveying that she's being annoying and immature with her repetition, without saying it outright). Or she can go to the teacher.

You can certainly go to the teacher, but if the other girl is doing this without being overheard (which is what most bullies or sarcastic kids do), you're going in awfully late with the info. So you teach your daughter to steer clear of the annoying child, buddy up with the nice kids (which is working), and develop confidence in her abilities. She doesn't have to go to every fight she's invited to.

If you get involved, it takes away your daughter's power and it will absolutely ruin your working relationship. If I were the school administration, I would absolutely not want my staff blurring the lines with parental issues.

Please work with your daughter to have her speak to this girl herself. You really need to encourage this. It does not have to be confrontational or angry, and it may not work the first time, frankly, but if you role-play this with your little girl and have her script what she wants to say, so she doesn't freeze up, it could help.

If it's the same comment over and over "Wow, you talk" to everything your child says, she can try turning to the girl, looking into her face (which will be tough for your daughter but she needs to work on this) and saying with a huge, huge smile, "YES, I really DO talk and so do you. Please stop saying that to me all the time, OK?" The girl may take a few repeats of this to stop.

Is your daughter reacting somehow when the girl does it? Does your child duck her head and try to get away? Or get teary? If the girl is getting any kind of reaction from your daughter, that's the payoff; explain to your girl that kids who say silly things like this do want the reaction, and running away or turning away upset is the reaction that is sought here. The girl will be SO surprised if your child can turn her body toward the girl, look her directly in the eyes, and address the comment firmly and loudly too. The shock of your daughter facing her and telling her loudly that they BOTH talk could be enough to shut this down.

That is going to be hard for your child and may not fully succeed this time -- the other girl may tire of the game before your daughter really addresses her. But I'd work on it because you can't keep involving the teacher, and involving the parent sounds, honestly, like overreaction.

The other girl, by the way, probably is just trying to be funny and doesn't have the social experience yet to know that it's so very annoying. She, too, is just a first grader. Unless she seems to be doing it expressly to make your child cry or get angry with her, I'd work on the skills to handle it. If it persists, then maybe it'll be time to mention it to the teacher. But right now it's just a kid being a rather clueless kid, not a bully.

Again, as I posted to the other question -- your daughter really might benefit from private talks with the school counselor, who has seen all this stuff before, believe me. I also recommended the idea of the counselor maybe having weekly lunches with a handful of invited kids. Counselors do that in a lot of places, rotating the groups around.

I would say nothing to your coworker/the mother. Instead I would roll play with my daughter and practice over and over again what she should say when the little girl says this to her.

I also never wanted my girls to be bullied either so I taught them to turn the tables so to speak on the one making the offensive comments. Could your daughter say something like "why do you keep asking me that? Of course I can talk, remember we had this conversation yesterday?" If the little girl keeps it up I would tell my daughter to ask the girl if she can hear.
I know that is a little snippy but I really would not want my already shy daughter subjected to another conversation about her quietness. IMO, the best way to nip this in the bud is for your daughter to make this girl stop. Hopefully this will also teach your daughter to stick up for herself in the event she is actually bullied.

Eh...at this point if work on role playing with your daughter.
Suggest several ways to say...uh..."bless your heart"!
Teach her to use "I" statements like:
"I don't like when you say that."
"I want you to stop saying that to me."
"I talk when I have something important to say."
"I don't have anything to say to you."
"I don't blabber the same thing to the same person every day."
(Just kidding with the last O.!)
Help her practice her responses with you. Maybe the newfound buddies and practice will work together to end this?
Who knows? Maybe O. of her new friends will shut the "YOU TALK" girls mouth for your daughter?!

How would you deal with this if you didn't work at the school? That should be your approach. I wouldn't bring anyone else into such a minor issue. Get your daughter in Girl Scouts or sports-other interventions to help her open up. Let her handle some things.
If I was fortunate enough to work at the school I would be clear to the kids that I am working. I'm not there to dispense cash, or wisdom. I'm not there to help them or deal with their issues.

Given your less than warm relationship with your co-worker, I'd suggest that you not involve her. Let the teacher know. She will handle it, both for the benefit of your daughter and the other child. It's helpful to remember that everyone is learning new ways to behave.

i'm not sure what to do. 'wow, you TALK!' may be 'not nice' but it's certainly pretty mild in the overall scheme of kid stuff.
the very fact that both you and your daughter are so upset by it is a big red flag to me. most of us would blow it off, and simply work with our kids on responding with something like 'yes, i do! and i say really nice things when i do!' with a big smile. or maybe a lifted eyebrow and a lightly dismissive 'um, yes? is that a surprise?'
there are tons of great ways to handle this very minor social blip. but having a mom intervention sounds like the perfect way to escalate it all into the realm of OMG dRamaZ all round.
khairete
S.

Let her work it out - it's not that big of a deal. And when your daughter finally does work up the courage to stand up for herself, she will feel so empowered. Don't take that opportunity away from her.

Encourage your daughter to speak up. Give her several different ways to say "buzz of." Using the vernacular such as buzz off is ok too if both girls know the meaning.

Other than that I'd leave it for the teacher to handle. It's easy to want to rescue our children but doing so stops them from learning how to take care of themselves.

I was a very shy child, too. I didn't make friends in grade school and only a couple in college. Teachers gave me responsibilities as if I were not shy. At first I was very anxious. As I had success, a bit at a time, I became more confident.

However, I was still mostly an introvert in college. Professors were concerned that I would have difficulty as a teacher, my goal. I bloomed as a teacher. Fifty years later I'm an extrovert and an introvert and not shy at all.

I'm suggesting that when your daughter finds her niche she will come out of her protective shell. The way to help her is by giving her things to do at which she can be successful. I would do this at home and let the teacher manage school experiences. Most important is to love her as she is. Commiserate with her when she tells you what has happened and how she feels. Do not say or do anything that feels like you want her to change. Do give her, in a casual way, ideas of ways to be more involved with other children. Tell her you know she can work things out. Emphasize her successes in all parts of her life. I suggest that you focus less on her shyness.

My mother told me sometime in the latter part of grade school to act as if _______I was confident or any other thing I was afraid to do and that I eventually would feel more confident. This helped me to do many things. It did take me many years to feel cofident. It was worthvthe effort.

The wonderful teacher has her limits, too. Try to not keep this as central in her relationship with your daughter. As the other moms said, role play with your daughter but not with a snippy come back as her tormentor seems a bit more savvy and will love more reasons to bully.

When my DD had a conflict with a classmate, I tried to help her work through it herself, with role playing and giving her what she might say. When that failed (because I later learned the child had trouble reading social cues), I brought in the teachers who helped the girls get along better. I would start with the role playing and then talk to the teacher and see if she can handle it within her classroom first. If it follows your DD beyond the class, then I would talk to her mother.

Role play with your daughter so she can learn to stand up for herself. It's scary, and she might not be able to do it, but give her a chance to fend for herself with the right (verbal) tools.

"Why do you keep saying the same thing to me? It's annoying!"

If she just can't bring herself to say anything back then bring up the taunting with the teacher.

We just had a library book that sounds perfect for your daughter. It's called Willow's Whispers and it's by Lana Button.

Here is the description: When Willow speaks, her words slip out as soft and shy as a secret. At school, her barely audible whisper causes her no end of troubles. But Willow is as resourceful as she is quiet, and she fashions a magic microphone from items she finds in the recycling bin. But Willow's clever invention is only a temporary solution. How will this quiet little girl make herself heard?