Seeking Help with My Parenting

I was a very shy child too and it was often almost painful but the more my outgoing mother tried to 'help' the worse it got. She wanted to make me outgoing by just forcing me out there and thinking that would change it. Well, it didn't and I had to make it on my own and learn over time to be more outgoing. I'm still not a outgoing person but do enjoy talking to people and can do that on my own, etc. but never like my mother who practically invites strangers home. Try to accept your little girl for who she is and just help her be secure in that person and not feel pain that maybe she isn't really feeling as much as you are. The more secure she feels with who she is as God made her, the less shy she will be. And some people never like change even as they age. That's just who they are but they need to have time to 'digest' a change before it happens and if not time just help her adjust to something that happens without warning, etc. She may never like change but needs help just seeing that it's part of life and your attitude will help her see that. It's so hard to see our children have any issue though and I do understand your empathy. Don't be uncaring but don't try to 'do' things for her. Tell her how fun it will be to get to know the other kids are the after school program and then if you can invite one over to get to know her, or whatever fits in with your life in that way. But don't force it.

Say this to yourself every morning in the mirror: "Being the oldest is not a curse. My daughter has a wonderful life. I am a great mom. I love my daughter. She is loved."

Personality traits like shyness are just that: "personality traits". It's nothing for you to feel bad about. It's nothing about being the oldest. She'll grow and learn and succeed like anyone else! Try not to compare her to others or feel sorry or her. She's herself! She's great!

My oldest is my 5 year old daughter and it's never occurred to me to feel bad that she's the oldest. I was the oldest too. Loved it. She loves being the oldest. No, she' isn't always the first to want to do everything, and that's OK!

Erase the pity from your mind. You're creating it. Embrace what is good about your lives! Instead of knowing in advance that she WON'T like her after school program, just assume she WILL like it, and take things in stride from there. Reality: It will be fun with kids for her to play with. Worst case scenario: She'll feel shy at first. Reality: She'll feel better after that initial period, and it will be a positive growth experience for her. You dont' have to force her to be outgoing, just let her feel it out herself, because she will have to deal with people in life. Let her be herself, and remain sympathetic, but not toooo sympathetic.

My daughter is not shy, but several of her classmates are. I have explained to her, that some kids are shy, and that's OK, and not to be too forceful with them if they don't want to play right away. Teach her to explain herself with phrases like, "I'm shy, Thank you, but I don't want to do that right now." etc. Kids understand a lot. Let her be herself.

I think it's a personality trait and I don't think it's bad.
Every child has a different take/spin on how they see things then react to
those things.
A certain personality trait hates change. (My DH & SD are like that while
I love change & am more outgoing. So is my child).
I think both are personality types are just fine .
I say work "with" your daughter's personality instead of trying to work
against it. That is going out of or pushing her out of her comfort zone.
While we keep our personality cores most of our lives, we can "tweak"
certain aspects.
I say let her feel comfortable & go with what she likes, feels happy with, is
comfortable with.
She may grow to be less shy as she gets older.
My SD was super shy for years & only recently started to "come out of her shell a year ago at 12).
I think it's all fine.
Think of it this way....you really like what you enjoy or like because it makes you feel comfortable. I'd wager to say you've probably been like that your entire life. It may have even served you well.
I say don't push & let her personality develp. If she has older siblings, she will see the other type of personality & possibly grow out of it. !
Best of luck. Hope that helps!

Little steps is what I did with my daughter. I'd 'make the gap larger' between her and I just a tiny bit at a time. I was NEVER a shy kid. But my daughter was VERY shy. I never just 'shoved' her into new situations. I also never compared her to anyone else... EVER.

I try to make sure my daughter has confidence before anything different occurs. I reassure her that things will be fine. I also will explain the worst that could happen in any given situation and discuss what she could do if the worst were to happen. Anything from a girl not liking her at school to if a fire started upstairs where her brother [5yrs younger] and her sleep. I talk to her about options and do dry runs of some things.

Dont worry so much FOR HER. Be confident [helping her be confident], reassure, and talk to her!

Try reading "The highly sensitive child" it may be a helpful book to help out your daughter!

I think you need to realize that if you had been the oldest child you would have still assumed the same role and it would have worked out the same way.

Your daughter will be fine, there is nothing wrong with being shy.

Please stop comparing her to you. There is no handicap in being shy. She needs to be taught how to maneuver in the world around her. How to deal with people in social situations. There is also no inherent loss in being shy and the oldest. I'm an introvert by nature and my sister is an extrovert. I get more energy from being to myself than in a crowd of people. My sister is the exact opposite. Even though I am an introvert I do public speaking engagements and often have to address and deal with crowds. I make certain when I do have speaking engagements I have quiet time to myself before and after. It helps me to recharge and unwind.

Being empathetic is wonderful but not to the extent that it cripples you girl from stretching out her wings and exploring areas of herself outside of her comfort zone. Teacher her skills on how to make friends and be friendly. We are all individuals looking for a place to fit in and sometimes we just don't and she will need to learn that is fine too. Help her adjust and adapt.

Sounds like her personality too me and I agree to not compare... as we as moms try to not compare our children from one another. My daughter is the same way, set in her ways, a little shy...won't confront teachers if there is a problem, wants re-assurance all the time that she can do this or that. Does not take the lead of her sister.... constantly asks for assistance on how to handle a problem. I just had to let go. I needed to help talk her through all the growing up things and tell her to do it on her own. pick out her clothes initiate her playdates....etc.... I waited a long time ( 11 yrs ) to break away from me constantly mothering her. It was her turn to use what she learned and how I guided her to make the choices on her own and move forward and that I would be there ALWAYS when she falls or hurts because of her choices. If she is bothered by being a follower, I show her how to be a leader, but if she is OK to be a follower, then I let it be........... If she is sad she has no friends, I help her go in the direction to get friends....if she does not follow my lead and cries, I comfort her. She has grown up so much in the past two years...... Sometimes we just need to let them fly ! That is the hardest thing for a parent to do, but it is for their best interest.

To address your follow up question: I think you are doing fine! You just need reassurance that what you are doing is right. Pushing her would be making her join optional activities because it's "good for her." If this after school situation is inevitable then that is something that she will have to deal with and with your support she will be fine. If the other arrangements work out that is great, but keep in mind the whole family situation. Not everything can completely revolve around her shyness. There will be situations throughout her life where she will have to go through situations that are uncomfortable and be able to deal with it.

Don't project your fears, memories and phobias on to her.
MOST kids would dread a new place where they don't know anyone--not just your daughter!
It's OK that your daughter is shy and it's OK that she's cautious. It's a bonus that she has a younger sib that will take the lead in situations like you mentioned (shots, etc.).
You can definitely talk with her about potential situations (Like maybe taking a book with her to read for the first day of after-school care, nice ways to start a conversation, etc.)
Otherwise TRY I'd to deal with her in a matter-of-fact way--even if you are cringing inside.
Not sure how old she is, but it was SO hard to see my son being shy--but in the end, it wasn't a *problem* for him--just me! He's now in 3rd and a social butterfly! very popular, lots of friends, but still BASICALLY a quieter kid.
Good luck!

Ask yourself this question. What did your parents do? Did they make concessions for you or just had you do stuff anyway? Have you discussed this with your parents and do they say?

Put her in the after school program, see how shes does. Make her try it for a semester.

I'd recommend Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. I'm not sure its totally written for your situation - its more for permissive parents - but maybe you're permissive in this situation, not making her move forward to try new things. This is for her BEST, its for YOUR BEST too. Do you want her to live with you forever? My 2nd cousin's son still lives at home and he's over 30, he's too afraid to go to the store without his mom. This is an extreme case, but good perspective to realize how important it is to push through shyness and learn to be confident!

Best wishes! :)