Five Year Old - Pushing Limits - a Little Venting...

My son 4.5 just spent 3 days with his grandparents and came back a terror. I call it "dethroning a prince!" He is arguing with me, bargaining with me--I ask him to eat 5 bites he says how about 2, yelling at his younger brother and melting down.
Personally I think he is just going through a phase and the change in rules isn't helping but I have to be strict with him until it passes. I don't get emotional/angry but rather just tell him he is going to do <blank> period. If he doesn't he has a time out (however I don't threaten him with it I just do it). If he tries to argue, scream yell, bargain I just repeat that I asked him to do something and he refused.
If I find myself getting angry with him I just walk away. So far it has been working but it will take some time and self-control.

You mentioned he was at terror all day, you can't always control him at home, you're at your wit's end lately, you got rough with him finally out of exasperation and to stop his destructive outburst.

Dont' worry, this can improve greatly. You need to act much sooner with him so that you do not get so upset, worn down and then lose your temper. You need your firmest consequence ready to go on a second warning with a very clear direction of what not to do for each wrong action. Don't wait until he has you run ragged. He's definitely pushing his overstretched bounds.

Yes, sometimes kids are tired, hungry, etc. But when he is being cranky and starting to act out, and he isn't famished and overly exhausted, etc, you need to warn him to watch his tone and his actions when he very first starts showing signs of the bad attitude. Be very specific to what he is attempting, and what will happen if he does not reign it in immediately. Address each thing. Don't slack.

You should have given him a firm consequence for "losing it" when you started playing with him BEFORE he came back from the bathroom and smashed something (what do you mean fine?-at the very least he should have gotten a major consequence for THAT), and BEFORE he tried to destroy someone else's creation. The second two things would not have happened with his first tantrum addressed, and you wouldn't have lost your cool and felt bad.

You shouldn't be trying to "get through" long hard days with terrible melt downs at the end. Firm it up and tone it down. Take charge at the beginning of the day with a confident happy deep breath and a declaration that everyone will be good. Or else. Do not let him get away with the behavior. This will ensure the younger two don't start to get bad habits too.

Have a sit down with him and tell him there is a new day, fresh slate, these are the new rules, and these are the consequences to breaking them. Make it clear. Give some new privileges/responsibilities to go with it, since he's getting older. He's growing up to be a young man and REALLY needs to not be babied. Keep him busy.

It is exhausting to be diligent at first, but your life will be TEN TIMES EASIER once you have set the rules, and he's not trying to test you constantly. You'll have much more time for fun and praise. My husband travels constantly and I have 3 kids under 5. No budget for any sitters. The key has always been, Calm, Clear, Firm, Swift. They're now easy, even my second very spirited one. I have to take them with me everywhere I go, so there is no other option. They are the greatest kids, we have so much fun. Everyone says I'm so lucky they're so easy, they never need discipline...Yeah RIGHT! Now they don't need much, but it wasn't always that way.
You can do it. Dad being gone is hard, but you can still do it. Be sure dad steps up the discipline when he is home too and makes acceptable behavior VERY clear to your son. You're doing a great job already to have such great kids, just take charge of the 5 year old, he'll like you even better when he learns respect.
check out www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

Mom... First of all, I do agree with a lot of the advice you have received so far. Being in control from the earliest part of the day and never wavering is important. But...it's not that easy some days.

I just have to say that it's great to apologise to your child when you are in the wrong. But I don't believe firmly putting a raging child onto his butt is wrong. He forced himself backwards to manipulate you into feeling guilty. When a child says you hurt him, it's usually something they have figured out will make you feel bad. I've seen it hundreds of times when watching my daycare moms interact with their children. Mom puts her hand on the child's shoulders to aim them for the door and they are yelling that she hurt them. I have to hold a child's hand hard because they are trying to run through the parking lot. They say I'm hurting them. Well letting them go to run in front of a car WOULD be hurting them.

If I had done what your child did, my dad would have wailed on my butt and I would have been done playing for hours. He didn't handle things right! HE was abusive. What you did was the least of what you must do when things escalate like that. You can't always stop the escalating. We all understand. You are hoping with a certain amount of kindness from you they will change direction. But sad to say, kindness doesn't stop a freight train.

At your sons age he can and will remember enough of what happened yesterday to lose privileges today. The day after a meltdown you should not step foot outside or do anything other than quiet playing in the house. If he has another melt down because you stayed home, do it again. If you can't step foot out of the house for 2-3 WEEKS, then so be it. Eventually your hard headed child will figure out you mean business. That's the best way to end these struggles in my opinion.

My 4.5 year old son gets in the same cycle, especially when tired. I have lost my temper with him far too many times. I feel bad but sometimes it seems like he has a meltdown, I lose my temper or both before he can move on. But sometimes he has to get through the meltdown and maybe nap (which he fights bitterly until he has a meltdown). I wish I knew a better way to get through it. The only thing that has worked occasionally is tricking him into a nap with a video or car ride. My mom and friends with older kids say it gets better sometime between ages 5 and 6.

I just want you to know that you are not alone!!!!! I have a 5 yr old and he does the same thing. We have many melt downs throughout the day. He can be a vey challenging child at times. My son still has to either take a nap or "rest" b/c if not he is very cranky in the evening. I have heard that it gets easier/better between ages 5 & 6. Lets hope so!!! :)

Sounds like perhaps a little bit of over-stimulation. It seems to be a modern phenomenon. We schedule our kids into so many playdates, outings, sports, hobbies, etc. that they never learn to appreciate a lazy day. Or, when presented with an "empty" day have no idea how to entertain themselves.

Maybe take a break from getting out of the house to do stuff and try to teach him how to find his own fun at home. Let him build a fort out of blankets and couch cushions. Turn on the sprinkler and let him go crazy. Get a sand box and/or water table. Arts & crafts. Pre-K activity books.

But in the end, melt downs will happen. In our house, at a certain age, warnings are suspended. And consequences are immediate. Send him to his room when he threatens your or the other children's enjoyment. Of course, make sure his room is not chock full of toys or full of things he can make mischief with (markers, etc.). At that age, we even asked our son to spend his time out making us an "I am sorry card" or worse yet, call grandma and tell her what they had done. Boy did grandma hate to have to get a call from her precious boy telling her how naughty he had been.

I just wanted to let you know my 5 yr old is doing this to I think its the age.
Only difference is he's all over the place at the store too. Touching EVERYTHING.
no advice just telling you you aren't alone.

it sounds like you had a rough day, poor mom! i understand the cabin fever with three small ones, and i understand making the wrong choice as far as "well we had a super busy day yesterday so today we should stay home and relax"...woops! maybe not lol. my first suggestion is, even though you want to stay home and keep things quiet, they still need excercise and a way to let loose a little. how about a walk to the park or around the neighborhood. just to burn off some extra energy.

my S. suggestion is i would have stopped him as soon as he "smashed" the first creation that you did for him. that's not acceptable. you put effort into making that for him and he showed an ungracious, ungrateful attitude. and you just react with "ok fine" nope. i would have nipped it in the bud right then. don't wait for it to get out of control. a 5 year old is not too old for a time out. i would have stopped him right there and sent him to time out, especially if you already knew his attitude was going downhill. don't let him get away with the small stuff. if his attitude continued to deteriorate, i would have sent him to his room to play alone for awhile.

but after saying all this, i would get them some excercise first. i bet a lot of the problem is just too much pent up energy.