Finding Yourself

I almost walked out on my marriage 3 years ago. I felt like I had given up on me a long time ago to be the us he wanted. I felt like I just could not stay. I decided to wait 6 months to make any choice, because often these rushed decisions can turn into regrets later. We say a therapist, but on top of the couples sessions, I went once a week alone so I could take just about me, how I feel, what I need, with out the fear of hurting him. After a year of therapy I was still in my marriage, and realized that by working on myself, and us working on us together, and by standing up for what I need, I had learned to love myself, and had been able to make a commitment to myself, while finding love and happiness in "us" again as well. That was 3 years ago. Of course, it is always a work in progress, and I continue to learn and grow in myself, but I have also learned to grow in my relationship and am happier than I can ever really remember being before.

Sometimes you do need a step back to really see what is what. I told my husband that I had to get away, and I went by myself for 2 weeks to see my BFF and left him with the kids. That really helped me recharge and allowed me to be refreshed and ready when I got back to work on my family and myself.

I always thought I needed to be everything for him, but the Funny thing I have noticed through out all this is that the stronger I get and the more confident I become in who I am, the more he looks at me like he used to all those years ago. As I have grown in myself, his love for me has grown as well.

I am not sure if this will answer your question or not. My older daughter graduates college this spring. She has been going out with the same guy for three years so it is expected after the graduate they will move in together.

Her concern is she really wants to stand on her own two feet, make it on her own. I pointed out to her that if you are able to stand on your own two feet then you are standing on your own two feet, even if you live with someone. Being alone is not required to prove you are making it, that you can do it alone.

If your issue is that you want to live the life of someone totally single then yes, you must do that alone. If it is only a matter of finding yourself, knowing you can take care of yourself, then you can do that while still being married.

Good for you for doing some soul searching and wanting to figure stuff out! Imagine how great the world would be if more people did!?!
As women, we play so many roles: Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, etc. And its hard to fulfill all of these roles and yet be our own true self.
You mention that 'we are working on with professional help'...(I assume its counseling) which is awesome! But are you only doing joint sessions? Or are you also doing your own individual sessions? Individual sessions may help you sort through some of your feelings. And maybe it can help define who YOU are in and out of your marriage.
Definitely take time for yourself to unwind and clear your head.
Good Luck!

D.... except for our ages, our stories are the same. I am going through the same thing right now, but to be honest, I am too afriad to find myself. I cling to my marriage like it will somehow save me. I know that my husband is not happy in our life and I am terrified that he is going to pull out and I fear that I will not recover. I envy your courage to try and find yourself. I don't know if this helped, but I wanted you to know that you were not alone.
Good Luck.

I think what you need to identify are areas of your life that are "yours" alone. Your spirituality, your causes, your interests, your education, your whatever. These things don't need to overlap with your husband's "things" -- they can just be yours.
We can't really be half of a whole until we are whole ourselves and I firmly believe that.
There's a big difference between wanting a man/marriage and needing a man/marriage.
There are a lot of issues that stem from being dependent (financially, emotionally, physically, etc.) on a man. Need vs. want is a BIG issue.
As wives and mothers, it's really, Really, REALLY easy to morph into a human who does for, cares for, thinks for all of those around her. And then we end up at the bottom of the list.
Put yourself back on the list. If you're not good, you can't be good for anyone else, right?
Thank God you are seeing this and trying to work things out with your husband and I wish you the best!

Aaah, I've enjoyed reading all the responses to your post. It's questions like yours where this site really shines. We are all more alike than we are different, huh?

Yes, I have been where you are. In fact, I AM where you are for the second or third or millionth time. There will always be bridges to cross.

Of course I agree with the advice suggesting you do a little thing just for you, start small. Do it regularly. MAKE yourself put everyone down for a bit to take care of YOU. I preach this very easily, however I personally find it damn near IMPOSSIBLE to implement my own advice. Sigh.

Whatever the outcome of this Fork In The Road, it will join with all the other decisions you have made, and will make, to collectively become Who You Are. I only know it's an endless process, we all morph and change, then change back, and just when you think you've got it all figured out BAM! you find yourself needing a little somethin somethin again!

This is a great question that we've all interpreted our own way. I wish there were more like them!

Peace to you Sista (whomever YOU are that is!)!

:)

Go on a weekend or better yet, a week "retreat" if possible. If it was me, I'd go camping. Maybe take a few girl friends along for fun and support.
Maybe you don't need to be "out on your own" as much as you need to have something that you do for YOU! Is there some hobby you've always wanted to do? Music lessons? Art lessons? Kung Fu classes? What do YOU WANT to do?

Reading your post and Jen C.'s response made me very emotional. I agree with her and wanted to add that you are not alone. Many women go through the same experience. Best wishes to you on your new journey.

I should add, I have been codependent in my relationships as well. Going back to school has turned my life around.

I am still in the middle (I think) of a huge year of change and spending a lot of time trying to figure out who I am. One thing that really worked for me was spending time on the web site Pinterest. Essentially it is a (free) large online bulletin board that you can tack pictures, links, sayings or whatever you want on it, and it really helped me clarify the things that were truly important in my life and empowered me to make some huge changes.

For everyone else, it is just a cool site, but for me, it was life altering - kind of like, when I was a teenager and cut up magazines to paste together a poster of things I liked. It especially helped in the area of figuring out what I wanted to do, because while I knew I needed to make changes, I wasn't sure exactly what changes to make.

Good luck to you.

Literally just left therapy an hour ago and the topic of our session was how do I find myself without loosing what I have built and really believed to be "myself". We agreed that I would start with baby steps. Find something I really enjoy doing or something I want to accomplish and carve out time to get it done. Get back a little independence and start really small with trying to express my needs a little more. I am not co-dependent in fact the total opposite the issue for me is that I have been with my husband for 17 years I met him when I was 19 and I am not the same person I was at 19. He and I have both changed and I stay because he is a great father to our children however I have morphed into this mom that does everything and wife that supports her husbands endeavors but do nothing for me. I work and have a very demanding career in health care and the only time I feel alive is at work. I feel like I am drowning in my personal life and I need to feel alive more than just 9-5. So I will give you the same advise my therapist just gave me... Baby steps your not even sure who you are but you can take that time to explore that side without leaving your husband. Think of something you want to accomplish and it can't be steam cleaning the rugs or power washing the gutter. It has to be something of personal gain to you and only you and try to carve out time to accomplish it. Start small and see where it sends you. Good luck

You are in the very delicate phase that marks the change from childhood to adulthood, from emotional dependence to independence. Age does not define one's maturity as far as progressing well from one phase to the other. Environment, especially family environment, has the power to bring the adult out of the child or, instead, to seal the child inside the adult for ever (or for a long time anyways). So, it looks like the therapy you are doing (even if it's couple therapy and not just for you) is definitely helping you finding your own self, your strenght, the person inside yourself, her desires, needs, preferences, traits, while analyzing the couple you have formed with your husband. Because, see, the people we choose to be by our side tell A LOT about who we are. Now, I don't know enough about you, what brought you to pick (or being picked by) your husband etc...but it looks like you are advancing in a more self-aware stage of your life, which I think it's great! If you love your husband, don't leave him, instead talk to him and tell him that a couple is made of individuals and the happyness of the whole depends from the happyness of the singular. Take advantage of the therapist who is helping now to make this point to your hubby so he gives you the time you need to reach your height. I don't believe you need to leave (unless you want to), as long as he gives you a good, solid break and lets you break this crisalis on your own. If he could give you some room and step back for a while, without interfering, you would BOTH gain from this transformation. If he agrees, though, you must make sure you'll respect him as a person and as a husband - just take the time to heal yourself the way you can do and to find out that the most important person for you it's YOU, but not in a selfish way, rather in a spiritual way. Keep up the good work this is a turning point in your life - just be careful to not make decisions you may regret later, find a happy medium, if possible. You might discover you don't want to keep your husband BECAUSE he will not understand and support your request of becoming your own person, rather than a million of other reasons which seemed important before and led to the crisis. Either way, since this is important for you as a human being, it must be handled with extreme care. good luck!

I don't know if I can give you good advice or not. I am the opposite...I'm a very independent person and did not have a man in my life till the end of college. Even then I was really adamant that I get my "me time"! I used to travel and do things with girlfriends only...and every summer in my mid 20s I worked in field camps or on boats very far away from my then boyfriend. My mom is like you are though and is pretty codependent. She feels very insecure (she tells me) without a man by her side and has had some terrible god awful boyfriends over the years. I think it is super healthy for you to try to get away from codependence and to try to find yourself. I don't think you need to leave your husband to do this though. If it were me I would start by making a list of who you want to be in life. Things you want to do before you die. Things you want to accomplish. A career or job or degree you want to work towards. You can do ANYTHING!!! You can start working towards your PhD in anthropology now if that is what you want to do...just take baby steps to get to where you want to be. You can talk to your husband about these needs you have. You can still take trips without him and your kids if you need to do that. I think the first step would be to research what it is you want to accomplish in life. Your husband can be your best fan club and cheerleader along the way....that is what my husband is. He ALWAYS supports me in my goals and helps in any way he can...as I do for him. It's pretty amazing to have someone who has always got your back as you are working towards doing something. I'm sorry you have not been able to experience doing things on your own without a guy around...but you DO have your guy now and I hope you can find independence and find yourself with him cheering you on. Good luck!!!

What a great question, D.. I'm 64 and still finding myself. My mother's harsh and controlling parenting made it difficult for a quiet, compliant child like me to express much of anything beyond what my mother wanted, when she wanted it. I'm sure the real "me" was always in here, but was seldom recognized or expressed.

And I married shortly after I started college, realizing only much later that I chose a man just as controlling as my mother, in a not-so-successful attempt to escape my mother. (And I did eventually walk away from that marriage. It was the best choice I had made for myself up to that point. Your marriage may be different, and salvageable.)

Your desire to know yourself is the real you reaching out. The more you do this, the more successful you are likely to be in learning to respect and honor the individual you were born to be.

I've had a couple of really superb tools that clicked (for me) along the way. Reading the old but still marvelous book "I'm OK, You're OK" was a real eye-opener for me at 26. In my 30's I learned a technique called variously Gestalt Therapy or Voice Dialogue. In my 50's I discovered The Work by Byron Katie, which has taken me much closer to my ultimate goal of finding the authentic me.

And because spirituality has always been deeply important to me, prayer has been a constant companion. Not "shopping list" prayers asking for favor, but "alignment" prayers asking for access to truth about myself and reality.

Recognizing a need or a problem is the first step in identifying a goal, and you've done that. If you can afford individual counseling (which has mostly been out of reach for me, so I fall back on self-help books), I hope you will go for it. Another terrific source of help, understanding and support for co-dependency is Al-Anon. This has been life-changing for a few friends of mine over the years.

Wishing you every success.

No judgements here. I will however, offer hugs.

I had many different reasons for leaving my 1st husband. I knew for sure there was no love left for him. So, my leaving and finding myself choice came relatively easy.

I didn't really have a lot of time "alone" [I say alone with "" because I still had my daughter around], but it was enough to regain who I am as a person. My husband now lets me be me and accepts, respects, and loves me for being me.

That was probably the biggest problem in my 1st marriage. He married me thinking he could make me different. He even admitted that in counseling. He wouldn't let me be me and I got lost somewhere and was so unhappy. The only thing I can say is, if you know in your heart that you're no longer in love and you know you won't be again, then you have your answer. If there is love still there and you think your husband is open with communication, then all you need to do is continue your professional help together and things may get better for both of you.

Sometimes, I find that I just need to get away for a couple of days. Sometimes with my husband, sometimes without. He understands that and I don't deny him doing the same.

The camping trip my husband and I took together really helped us both.
My ex wouldn't go anywhere or do anything.... EVER.

Good luck. Keep me posted! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me.

Almost dying will put a life into prospective very quickly. And this past April that was where I was met with life.

Step back to Aug 20th 2010....Sometime well before 12:19 pm....I was a totally different person.

I was the wife to an amazing husband. Mom to three boys. Eventually planning on going to school to be a mid-wife.

Aug. 20th 12:21 pm. Life made an unexpected turn. For my sanity I am not going to dive to far into the situation....If you are interested in full story I have many questions posted relating it:)

After I had emergency surgery on April 11th....I had to figure out how to get out of my hole. There was no more waiting around for things to get better on there own. I had to be the change I needed in my life.

I rekindled my relationship with God(realizing this is not for every body...it is for me though).

I had had a horrible time with communication prior to my surgery. So I made sure I started talking. To everyone, about anything I felt I had on my mind. The quickest way to go crazy is to stay inside your head. So make sure you have someone(whether it is your hubby, a friend pretty much anyone)to just vent too...Good, bad indifferent.

In regards to my marriage....We have been through our share of issues. Before my accident was really the worst of our troubles. There was an issue with him possibly cheating. We worked through this. I just had to realize I had no hard proof of what he was doing(or what I thought he was doing). so as hard as it was I swallowed it and eventually had to just let it go. Leaving him was not a choice. My parents have been good role models. And came to our aid when things started hitting the fan.

It has taken alot of work to keep my husband up to date with the new me. We have had alot of fights in the last few months...Because I am still trying to get the NEW me under control. I think it is a better type of fight though. this seems to have some purpose behind it. and we are figuring out together how to make life work. At this point or any point on leaving him would not be an option. We have made it literally from hell and back together and there is no one on earth I would run to in a time of trouble.

He has had a wife who was very complacent, not too sure she cared where she was in the process of life...Content with letting life find her..totally flip and become a self assured and reliant person who has drive and direction.

YOU need to make your story. Only you can help control the pen. You need to always remember you are a work in progress. And own your feelings. say..''You know, I may not know WHY I feel this way right now...but I do'' and then maybe dig to find deep down where the Why is coming from.

You do not need to walk away(unless there is an abusive situation mentally or physically). You can make him apart of this process. He may actually be beneficial to the process.

If you feel you NEED to leave him. You need to understand that he may not LIKE the new you. So getting back to where you were maybe a little harder. Cause that would be like him leaving you lets say...Then him trying to come back into your life(that probably stayed pretty normal)...A whole new person you had to get to know all over again. I hope that makes sense.

Dramatic change can be hard for some people to handle. Especially when it sounds like you may have alot you want to find and work on. I would encourage you to include your hubby as much as you can.

Like you, I have NEVER been single. From the time I was 15 on. I went from one long term relationship to another. So I really know where you are coming from. I have always wondered how different I would be had I not found and married my husband..but then I realize, had I not walked the same path, prior to all of this life changing stuff...my outcome may have been totally different..So I needed to walk that path.

If you would like to talk Please feel free to PM me. I am living proof that major life change can happen without letting go of everything you were before. And all of my struggle has been within the last year so it is pretty vivid for me.

Big hugs to you mama!!

Hi D.. Big life events can bring things like this out. About two years ago I sort of had a crisis, I realized I was bored to death with my job, with my life, with my marriage. I felt like uprooting everything. After some searching, I realized that I needed to focus on finding myself. I've never been one to just go along with everyday life and be fulfilled. I'm a very creative person and I needed to nurture that. I was always so happy in school, and suddenly I was in a job where I had little creativity - I was missing the intellectual side of myself. So, out of nowhere I applied to grad school. It was a long shot, it was compulsive, but I did it. I was accepted, my job allowed me to work part time - I was so happy. I needed that challenge. Fast-forward another year, and we unexpectedly got pregnant. So everything changed. I hope to go back and finish my 1/2 completed Masters degree some day, but for now, being a mother has fulfilled that "void" I felt. My priorities have changed drastically. I find I need to keep that creativity alive in me, otherwise I lose myself. I still try to go to an open life drawing class here and there. It makes me feel like me again.

I suggest you start small, maybe find something that interests you, like a class or a reading group (whatever it may be) that you can do on your own. Find out what it is you're missing. If you find you're still needing that independency, well, then I guess then I would think about making some bigger changes. Good luck :)

I think that the steps to finding yourself is to find out what your passions are? Were they to have a family when you were younger and you choose the wrong men? What makes you laugh? what makes you smile? start to enjoy those things more often. Take time out to be by yourself and write, listen to music, take pictures or do what ever would give you peace in your me time.

Me too! I went from divorce to remarriage in a year and a half. I want to prove to myself that I could support myself and make a life on my own. I feel like I never proved I could do it to me. Plus, I want to make new friends and my husband is not really social now.

I also would enjoy a break from my husband. I probally would enjoy it so much I would never come back. I hate having to discuss and rediscuss every decision.Plus, he invests in stocks and loses money, but we can't make improvements to the house that would make it more livable and more valuable. That is one example that really angers me.

My oldest would be hurt and might develop trust issues so I am forcing myself to repeatedly talk to my husband in hopes he will see the changes that need to be made on both our parts. Plus, after 2 marriages, I am done. I would not remarry under any circumstances ever.

Lastly, being poor does not appeal to me. I have been there and done that. My health would decline much faster were I to not have proper medical care, food, and rest.

That is how I decided to stay and to spend some me time. I go out once a week with the ladies. It is a needed relief. I also exercise to get out of the house.

So, I really don't think that you need to be solo to be able to find yourself.
After all, who you are changes constantly, and you are a different person with your husband than without. If your goal is to continue in your marriage, I would suggest keeping him around and involved.

That said, you do need to take time for yourself, and you need to do different things in order to do it. Things that I'll call "soul enriching". Like volunteering at a battered women's shelter. Or going to church. Or travelling to somewhere outside of your comfort zone.
Sometimes you have to force things to learn who YOU are on the inside. You need to go beyond hanging out with girlfriends, if you're looking to learn what your strengths and weaknesses are as a person.

Just my 2 cents.

Hi D.,

This is a tough situation to be in, and I feel for you. I think you are very brave for posting something which could get a lot of negative responses, and I appreciate your courage.

Here are my thoughts on your post. We all have this concept of finding “me” – this is not just you, I think all women feel this way sometimes. But, the truth is, you don’t need to find you – you are right there, right now. You are who you are, and leaving your marriage or stepping away from your life isn’t going to get you any closer to you – you are you. Most of the people I know who have made major life changes to find “me” have ended up feeling unfulfilled and lonely because in the end, that search didn’t lead them anywhere because they were already there. I think when people say that they need to find “me” what they are really saying is that they need to find out who they want to be and how to feel like an whole individual person. And, that is a different question all together. One that you can find in a lot of ways.

If you sounded ready to leave your husband or seeking companionship from another man, I might give different advice. But, it doesn’t sound to me that like that is where you are. It sounds to me like you want some freedom and space, but want to preserve your family until you can get some good counseling in. And, I think that there are ways to do that.

As a fellow mom and wife with a full time career, I understand how easy it is to fall into that identity and end up feeling lost. Getting time for yourself is difficult to impossible and you are always focused on everyone else’s needs. And at the end of the day, just some relief from that might provide you with a tremendous relief.

This is a critical point in your life. The decision you make on how to handle this will be one that could potentially affect you, your husband and your kids for the rest of your lives. If there is a time to step back and make some space to seek out what you need to feel whole, this is the time to do it.

Here are just a few things I would suggest:
1. Get your own therapist or join a support group. The counseling work that you are doing on your marriage is focused on that, and what you are dealing with is a whole other issue. Get something going that is just for you, no husband no kids, where you can talk out your feelings in a supportive environment. A lot of people make excuses about money and time, but there are a lot of free or low cost services in almost every community. It is important, and if you want to make it happen – you can.
2. Require some time off. Through your marriage counseling, communicate to your husband that you need time away from the family without any guilt or burden. Take a few days at least, a week if you can, and just walk away for awhile. Stay with a friend or drive to another town and stay in a cheap hotel. Eat at the places you want to eat, shop at the places you want to shop, feel the freedom of making choices without anyone’s input. Sleep in, stay up late, stretch, feel your space. This can do wonders.
3. Start thinking and writing. If you are looking for “me” and wanting time without your husband, start putting those thoughts down on paper. Make lists of the things you don’t like about yourself, that you don’t like about your life. Then, really look at those things and for each one – try to put down 2 solutions. 2 things that you can do to change those things. Both might not work, but maybe one will. And then, just take them one by one. If your first item is being codependent – then think through what that means. If it means you don’t like to be alone, then take steps to change that. Commit to spending time alone at least one hour each week in a place where you would normally not feel comfortable or safe. I bet you will find that the feeling wears off, and when it does, a whole new world can open to you.
4. Check out a book. There are lots of books that can help. I just recently read a book by Debbie Ford which recently really helped me focus in on some of my own issues. I really suggest her work. I found her books at the library, and it didn’t cost me a thing to pick one up and get a tremendous support and new ways of addressing some of my issues.

There are a lot of ways to find out who you want to be and what you want your life to be, and you don’t have to give everything up to make that happen. I know plenty of single people who are looking for “me” and they are no more fulfilled by the journey.

Good luck, D., this is a big life changing time for you. I hope you can make the right decisions for yourself and for your family. And, don’t worry, you are there - you already know you – now just start looking for how to be who you want to be. You will find it. Just breath deep, and have the courage to know what you need and to make it happen.

D.

Do you have friends that you go out and do things with? Do you ever have time for yourself? I wouldn't go as far as giving up the life that you have to find yourself, not just yet. Try doing something for you, take time each day to do something that is just for you. Everyone needs a little time for themselves, without that you will lose yourself. Read a book, get your favorite kind of soda and stash it away and sneak it when nobody is around, have a lotion that is just yours, take about 15 minutes of quiet time when nobody is allowed to knock on your door. Go for a drive. I don't know what the situation is, if it is stress, just needing a few minutes away, every little bit can help and you can get in touch with yourself again and feel able to connect with the kids and your husband. Do you have a hobby?

I'd love to talk to you privately if you want... I'm an at home mom, an army wife, mom of 5, sids mom, married 22 1/2 yrs... please feel free to send me a private note or email my email is ____@____.com

You need to be able to be free with experimenting in all areas of your life. Continuely ask yourself 'what do I like'. It doesn't matter if it's breakfast cereal or style of clothing to movies. Do you feel as though you have been controled by another person? Parents to boyfriend to husband. Mom and dad always did it this way so I do it this way. My hubby likes to drive X car so that's what I like. It is not uncommon for women especially to go through this. We are taught to be nurturing and put aside our wants and needs to benefit others.
I also know of women who wear their hair long or color it to please their hubby. My best friend's hubby hates red so she never wears it and really looks good in red. The best thing to do would be to start looking through fashion magazines for hair styles and clothing styles that you would like to try. Then go shopping and decide which of these styles look best on you. And book an appointment with a stylist and show him/her the pictures you liked and discuss which style is best for you. I also recommend that you go and talk to a college counselor and see if they have a group of tests you can take that focus on your personality and then show you how your personality fits certain careers.
Hopefully your hubby can handle change and will allow you to grow to be the person you are inside.

It's called being in a marriage and being a parent. You made the bed, be a responsible adult, stop whining, and lay in it.

Also, what would YOU do if your hubby wanted to leave YOU for X amount of time?????????