Finding My Sister

I'm not going to say whether you should try or not, but this is a good time to pause and think through your reasons for wanting to find her.

What kind of reunion are you expecting? Consult with a few people close to you. Do they think your expectations are realistic?

What kind of problems are your dad and stepmom anticipating? Think way down the road in terms of what those problems will mean for them. Does your desire to find your sister still trump that?

I say all this in part because after he remarried and had my half-sisters, my dad pretty much deliberately drifted away from my (whole) brother and me. This was hard for us for a while, but ultimately it made me recognize what a fantastic family I had with my mom, my brother, and my extended family on my mom's side. This has helped me really cherish them and has made me a better daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece/cousin/aunt than I would have been otherwise. So I'm really grateful for the whole thing. But at the same time, I don't particularly want my half-sisters to get in touch with me, and I'm hoping my son and his cousins won't ever seek out their mysterious long-lost grandpa. That would just lead to a lot of pain for my wonderful mom.

So, think through the consequences for others. Think through whether your expectations of a reunion are realistic. I'm not saying don't do it, but proceed with caution.

So.. They prefer to live a lie?
Sorry, to me, that's hypocrisy.

Their logic reminds me of people that "don't believe in" things like divorce, homosexuality, etc. Like those things are Santa Claus or something.

Do they actually feel that if ghey pretend it never happened, it didn't.
Are they fooling anyone? Are they fooling God?

Go find her!

As a Catholic and in-law of divorced couples, I do not consider them outcasts nor are we encouraged to do so. If that is the attitude of the in-laws, then it is their personal need to feel superior to someone. Chances are, your father doesn't want to dredge up old pain from a previous relationship.

If you and your sister are both over 18, then go ahead and reach out to her. Let her know that this communication is from you alone and you would simply like to get to know her. Let the relationship develop from there.

Yes, she's your sister. Who is he to keep you from meeting her? Just because he wants to hide he had a marriage that failed? That's not a good enough reason. She doesn't have to have any part of him, but for goodness sake, she's his child. He should want to know if she's even alive.

You should be able to find a marriage record/birth record somewhere. I hope you find her. It would be wonderful if she was receptive to you.

This has nothing to do with being Catholic. We are Catholic and divorces happen, many times for very good reasons.

Your father and his wife have been keeping secrets and those secrets are starting to surface. That is their fear and they are blaming it on religion. Pretty sad. They wouldn't be outcasts due to their religious beliefs, but they would be on the "outs" because of the deception.

When my husband's grandfather passed away we helped my in laws go through his things. In the process, we discovered some wedding pictures featuring my FIL, but not my MIL. He happened to be standing right there and was visibly upset that we had found them. He shared that he had been married twice before my MIL (which my husband and his siblings did NOT know) and walked away. We've kept that very much to ourselves... not our story to share.

Should you try to find her? Probably at a later point in time. Give your father and his wife a chance to tell people about the prior marriages first. Remember that you are assuming that this person wants to be found and my guess is that she does not. The odds are pretty good that she really wants nothing to do with her father and by opening that door, you will be inviting a lot of anger and hostility into your family. If she wanted to be part of "the family", she would be.

I'd find her and just keep it to yourself. It's obvious your dad wants no part of her life, so why does that have to prevent you from her? Good luck!

Yes, you should find her if that's what you want to do. Doesn't mean dad and his wife have to have a part of her life. Although that's a pretty crappy reason to not find your child.

Just because that's how his inlaws are does not mean you don't have the right to find your sister. It's not their business. People worry too much about what others think when it comes to stuff like this and how it will effect them. Well they are the ones that did it. You have to live with the consequinces of what you are done in your life and being married three times is not unforgivable to normal people. And if they can't accept it it's their problem. Find her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I realize you disagree with your father's reasoning, and honestly it's pretty crappy of him, but this is like trying to find child that one of your parents put up for adoption before you were born. I don't really think that you have a right to go searching for this sister since your father has asked you not to do so. What do you think will happen if you do find her, and she then finds out that her father wanted nothing to do with her being found? And that in fact he was upset at the thought of her being found and why? I don't believe that would be fair to her at all.

I would wait and see about working your dad for a while. See if he softens his stance. It would be far better to do it with his blessing.