Finding and Justifying Me Time

Updated on January 03, 2011
D.M. asks from Mc Lean, VA
8 answers

New here - I've been searching for articles and info when I found this website...hoping that I can find some help, guidance and so on...
I am a single mom to two girls 9 & 5 yrs - one whom has special needs. Two years ago, after a 2 year courtship - my sig other moved in. One year ago my mother relocated and has been staying in my home, while trying to sell her home in another state.
I'm trying not to make this too long and detailed - so I'll jump straight to the points -

I am now working from home after being laid off a year ago - the kids come home at 3pm, shortening my work day. I do homework, therapy and running to activities with the kids after school. My mother comes home at 5pm and then after the girls are in bed my sig other comes home around 10pm.

My initial question here is about me time. It seems like my day is in constant stages that just never end - work, kids, mom then sig other. All wanting to talk to me ... and I never feel like there is a point where I get to unwind. I find myself starting to snap starting at about 6 or 7pm - when I have my mother there and it seems like she is butting in or trying to talk to me when she can see that I am in the middle of something.
Then I no sooner get the kids to bed and start to sit down to go back to work and sig other comes home and wants to talk about random stuff ... and I listen a little but then cut him short so I can get back to work or just simply unwind.

I just feel like I never have time for me. I feel like I need space! My mom helps some with the laundry and such and she helps with the one child that has some extra needs and I love her...but then it still feels like an invasion & irritation with her there and she is always hovering & wants to do everything with us! My sig other is only here late at night now when I am burnt out - and on the rare occasion that he is here on the weekends he wants my attention and he gets upset that I am so busy with the kids and the house and all...(I am ending this relationship now that the new year is here - as he has not been contributing financially for some time - nor is he engaging with the kids)

Regardless - I just want both my mother and my sig other to understand (and not get upset or hurt - as they always do) that with the way things are I can't sit down and relax and just talk - I feel smothered and stressed all the time - about the kids, money and work & caring for the house and then finally just trying to regain a sense of peace for myself.

They both make me feel like there is something wrong with me for needing time to myself. Even though I am ending the relationship I could really use some feedback on this in regards to both the situation with my mother and my sig other...

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for your reassurance and advice! I do have one more question pertaining to this though...

I have tried and tried to explain to them both why I need some down time and/or why I get so snappy - and they still act hurt and like there is something wrong with me - so does anyone have suggestions on how to explain it better to them - or where I can find supporting articles? I think what my issue is ... is more about boundaries and down time in my own home. I think I feel smothered by my mother being here and hovering .... and then ... yes once SO is gone that will be a load off...but the invasion of both of them, with their own styles and views now conflicting with my own.....that I think is more the issue I am having along with one or both of them always just simply being here.

Some days I just want to stop my foot and scream - "This is MY house! I own it! These are MY kids! It is my decision!!!" And "YES it will be MY way!!!" LOL I do say those things in a more diplomatic way ... but I would love to SCREAM them sometimes. And at the same time - I want and need the help.

To follow up on some suggestions - yes I do get respite care - but it is most often done in my home and usually when I am still in the home - I have yet to find a caregiver that I am comfortable with that will actually help by taking my children someplace else.
My mother does help with entertaining my child that has extra needs - so I get a lot of one on one time with my other child - which is great.
All the suggestions are great - and maybe I have to adjust some things for time - but as far as doing it during the day - I am trying to work all day since my day is cut short with the kids coming home...
I do and have left the house for time before - but that is not really what I need the most. When I do that it is to go to the grocery store or take my laptop and go sit in a parking lot to try and finish up some work.

Thank you all in advance!
DM

More Answers

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M.D.

answers from San Francisco on

So sorry! I am a person who needs some time to myself sometimes, too! Can you arrange a day off (or a few hours) on a weekend? I also recommend that you find a support group for special needs - they may have resources to help with caregiving. This situation is tough on all relationships - mother daughter (your mom and your kids with you), SOs, co workers. It sounds like the relationship is over with SO, but with your mom, hopefully it will change soon.
I don't have much advice, but you definitely will be a better mom, daughter, SO, if your needs are met. Easier said than done, and good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

S.L.

answers from New York on

I remind myself (frequently) that if I am happier , I am a better Mom and my kids will be happier. Take 15 minutes early in the AM for stretching, exercising or meditation. Once a week while kids are in school take an hour for yourself, (or two hours every other week) schedule it in and keep it like a therapy, counselor apt! buy yourself a new outfit or browse the bookstore, library or anything that is just for you! Use your mom as a babysitter one evening a week, she will feel needed and you can either have some "me" time or take time with one child while she has the other child. I see how hard it is for the siblings of special needs children to have their parents attention. Maybe you'd all enjoy that one on one time. You have to push yourself to find the time think of it as taking care of your health(physcal and mental) so you can continue to be strong for your kids

1 mom found this helpful
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M.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Just like you schedule daily activities for your kids and your work schedule, you need to schedule me time too! If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be any good to anyone else. Its not selfish to take care of yourself and get a break-its smart and its good self-care. DON'T WAIT...DO IT TODAY!

M

1 mom found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from San Francisco on

You will most likely feel better when you are no longer in your unhealthy relationship with your "sig". You shouldn't feel guilty for needing alone time! I can't even come close to understanding how you must feel, but you really sound stressed and upset. I know for me, even a few min or an hour of alone time can do a ton of good for me. Can your mom be with the kids for a little while? Can you take a day off work and go do something for yourself while the kids are at school? I hope you find something that helps you...

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E.K.

answers from Portland on

Set aside a time every day even if it is a short while that is just for you. Let your mom know how important it is and how you really need her support and help. I know you are fed up with her and sig. other. I think it is great to get rid of sig. other as he is not contributing in any way to your family but only serves to further drain your emotional, physical and financial resources. Let your mom know that you will need her support and help on this. Give her the chance to step up and help. I know it is probably tempting to toss her aside along with the sig. other but wait. She will probably be very helpful once sig. other is out of the picture and as a single mom with a special needs kid you are going to want that help.

You might also want to check into getting respite care.

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H.L.

answers from New York on

I read an article recently in the Wall Street Journal about people's resolutions to make their relationships better. One idea struck me as interesting as I also often shut down my husband bc by the time he's home, it's when I want to be alone. One couple has set up 10 min to talk - each downloads to the other for 5 min. That's it. That way the person who doesn't want to talk knows it's only 5 or 10 min of their time. He said it's really helped.

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R.Y.

answers from New York on

it sounds like you need to get out of the house by yourself at some point because you can't get much me time at home. Can you get a regular baby sitter to come in for a few hours 1 day a week so you can get out for some me time? I get irritable too when I am stuck inside all day and everyone in the family wants attention. Even getting outdoors for 30 minutes with the kids might help. I pick up my older one from school and we all go to the park for a few minutes if it is nice enough. Even 10 minutes of running around outside helps my 4 year old son be a little less hyper.

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N.W.

answers from Eugene on

You need some down time, don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it! Don't even call it "me" time, how about "mental health time out" or "attitude adjustment period"? Just like you need sleep so your body can rest, you need quiet time for your mind to rest.

Since you work from home, can you find an excuse to get out of the house for a walk or an "errand" every day? You could go out for coffee, take an exercise class, or my favorite ... go to the library and browse... it's quiet and it's free!

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