Fighting Sisters

I just read a great book called Siblings Without Rivalry by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber, http://fabermazlish.com/.
The book was very easy and quick to read and gave great insight on why siblings fight and how to deal with it. I'm looking forward to reading some of their other books.

Good Luck!

I heard something once that I'm going to try. Someone once said her and her siblings could not play with friends because they were not getting along with their siblings. They were told if tey couldn't even get along with siblings it would be really hard for mom to believe they could get along with friends. So of they wanted to go play with friends, the vibe between siblings had to be harmonious.

This is a tough one and one I am dealing with daily as well. I have a 9 yr old and 7 yr old and it is the same in my household. They compete for my attention and this seems to be some of the root of their fighting, to see who can get my reaction first. The younger one usually tries the most to get my attention. My children love earning money, so I have employed a chart in which there are set out rules - in writing - on how to earn a star and how to earn a "check". Each is worth $.25 at the end of the week. A check offsets a star, etc. They have two chances M-F for a.m. and p.m. and three chances on days they are together all day long. They can also earn extra stars by doing extra chores or helping out in other ways. Extra fighting also earns extra checks, as well as shouting, talking back to an adult, insulting, etc. This chart takes the place of any allowance and it is directly related to their actions rather than an expectation of money regardless of actions. At the end of the week, we tally them up and either I pay them, or they pay me (which HAS happened!). This seems to be helping. Also, when they are home all day long, they get an hour or so of "alone" time to just regroup. One of the check earners is fighting...

Otherwise, I try not to play the "favorite" game they are trying to play when they fight. Sometimes I do just let them fight it out when it appears to be an attention getter -- that way neither gets my attention for their bad behavior -- I just go to the chart and put a check next to both their names.

I look forward to getting any other ideas for myself!!! Good luck!!

My sister and I are eighteen months apart and we fought like cats and dogs. What helped with us: We had our own rooms and our own "stuff." We didn't have to share any of our personal toys so we definitely had boundaries.

The biggest complaint that I had about my mother was that she would almost always jump into an argument on the wrong side. If my sister was tormenting me, I would get nailed for retaliating. If I was tormenting my sister, she would get punished for retaliating against me. There was just no rhyme or reason to it - and their was never a sense of fairness or justice.

My father restored "peace" to the house by imposing a no physical fighting and no shouting arguments rule in the house. Hitting (no matter what the provocation) would earn a spanking and a grounding to our bedroom. Shouting got us grounded to our bedrooms. It didn't matter who started it.

We never did develop a close relationship and I've been wracking my brain trying to think of the last time I hugged her. (It's got to be over 25 years, because I just don't remember EVER hugging her.) My sister and I are just completely opposite, but we get along fine now. I love her daughter like she was my own - and I guess that's a pretty good end result!

I have four daughters (blended family) that are ages 7, 12, 13 and 13. They get along sometimes and fight most times. I have been told that it is just a sister thing and they will out grow it. When is my question?

Book: Positive Discipline

The stuff in there sounds so cheesy, and so works. (Because, when you get down to it, kids are kind of cheesy--and really happier when they are being loved and liked, and not when people wish they would just go away :(. )

Essentially, the book gives you **tools** for the family to work out issues. I know I want to have (x) worked out ... but how to go from screaming matches to sensible productive discussion???? Specific tools. Very great. And your kids are totally at a great age to be both sensible and still flexible.

Best of luck. No fun living with all that fighting!

I have three girls, they are now 15, 14, and 12 years old. The first two are 13 months apart and the last two are 24 months apart, and we have had our share of fighting. Instead of focusing on their fighting I explain to them how unpleasant it is to be around people who fight and because I don't enjoy it, they will have to go in a separate room to fight. I physically make them go in a different room and I shut the door. If we are in the car, I stop the car and make them go outside of the car to fight. I don't let them back into their "normal" space until they have mutually resolved their conflict. It takes a while sometimes. Before I started all of this I sat them down and explained how I would handle their fighting from now on, and I also talked to them about conflict resolution and gave them suggestions as to how to handle a disagreement so it wouldn't get "ugly", but as soon as it did they had to leave the room/car/mall, or wherever we are to work it out. Even though this sounds a little like letting them fight it out (because I don't believe in that), it does help because they don't like being separated when they fight, plus it makes them resolve the problem. Now, when my kids know that I am about to make them leave the room or car, they quickly say, hey we will work it out nicely, or we will apologize or whatever it is that they need to do to make it right, so I won't make them leave to do it. Just as a note: My husband and I have purposely fought in front of them at the dinner table, with no effort to resolve the conflict, and as they got more and more upset that we were fighting, we stopped and explained that we were showing them what they put us through when they fight and just how unpleasant the experience is for the people who have to listen to the fight. They really did not like us fighting and it got through to them. We have also fought in front of them on purpose and used conflict resolution to work out our disagreement, and then explained what we were doing and how much better it was for everyone involved to work it out without being mean.

The other thing we do is a reward system. I have a jar with a lot of quarters in it (the main jar), and each girl has their own jar seeded with about $2 of quarters. Everytime someone says something nice, or does something nice for someone else I take a quarter from the main jar and put it in their jar. If they call a name, or hit or do anything nasty to another person, I take a quarter out of their jar and put it back into the main jar. If a child's jar becomes empty I make the child give me some of their own money (from their bank account or birthday money) and they have to buy quarters from the main jar to restock their quarter jar to $2. When I give quarters out I use my judgement in assessing the sincerity of the comment or gesture - one of my daughters was saying all of this "nice" stuff in order to get quarters but she wasn't sincere. Plus I don't take money out of the jar based on what another daughter has told me about what one of their sisters said or did that was bad - I find out what happened before I take any quarter. A lot of time, two sisters lose quarters simultaneously when something bad happens because they are both part of it. Obviously, you learn as you go,and use your best judgement, but it works really really well to encourage kids to look for ways to say or do something nice for others. This method worked especially well when our kids were your kids age. Note: I don't give quarters for doing chores that they had to do anyway.

Hope it helps.

Take things away. Then take more away..Eventually they get the point.. I have 4 girls so i know alll about the cat fights.
For the potty issue if you know she is doing it to irratate her either take her off the pot or turn a timer on for her. If ya dont put ya foot down now let me tell you.. you will have issues later on. Remember you are the parent not the child =)

Good Luck

I have girls that are 10 months apart, and boys that are just 3 days apart... and 2.5 years behind the youngest girl. I know the fighting sibling syndrome all too well!
In our house, we have decided that we can't make them want care for each other... want to play together, want to share, etc. but we can make them not want to fight. I am famous for the "hugging" or "nose to nose" discipline. When their fighting is getting too much for me, I make them stand in a corner with their arms around each other in a hug for a certian amount of time, or nose to nose. Point being... be thankful for what you have... at least you're not conjoined twins!!! It doesn't take them long to figure out that they may not be happy with each other, but they don't want that, so they're not going to let me hear them fighting! And by the end of 5 min. or so... they're normally giggling with each other. Of course, you have to be the mean "warden" and stop the giggling... if you can stop yourself from joining in!
I also make my kids work together on a project. If they can complete a chore... making a bed, doing a load of laundry, etc. without fighting, they may continue on about their business. However, if I hear a word of arguement out of them while doing it, they get assigned another one until they get the picture and figure out how to work together. It doesn't take them long... but in the mean time, a few extra chores get done around my house!

My children are 21 years apart, boy and girl and they fought alot. They are now 19 and 17. Both said they rarely fight when they are alone but love to have a scabble when I am with them. If they are able to play together they will probably br ok.
C.

hi A.,

Maybe you could try stting down and listening to them when they start to fight you help them to talk out their feelings. Frustrations are a normal part of life, and they certainly dont go away once they grow, life can be annoying especially when we dont get what we want and have to wait our turn. Perhaps by slowing introducing your new technique will allow them more calm when they rub up against eachother. For instance once the arguing starts to happen, you can mirror to them at first saying"ok, I hear that Child #1 needs to use the potty soon" if child #2 does not give a resonable ammount of time longer, then you can suggest that they hurry up a bit". That way child #2 feels supported by you, and you are being reasonable and maybe child #2 is just asserting her power in the situation. I think the hard part is for parents is that we just label the whole uncomfortable emotion as bad, or wrong, and if you can transform the experience into a postivie outlook, that is our whole role in helping them make friends with eachother and their world which requires alot of patience and kindness...Good luck, hope this was beneficial.

The absolute worst thing you can do is let girls fight it out. That advice only works for boys, and not all boys. With girls you have to constantly reinforce the caring toward each other. That means that every single time something bad happens to the other one you take the sister to her and have her over protect and love on the hurt one. Constantly reinforce to each of them that they love each other. I'm not kidding, it works wonders to be absolutely straight forward, graphic and pushy about it. Asking them how they would feel if their sister was gone and they could never play with her again, how it would feel knowing that their buddy and the one who loves them no matter what could be gone at any time if they don't treat them kindly. I know it sounds harsh but trust me, it works and is much better than the damage it will do to them if they grow up thinking they are every mean thing their sibling says they are. To this day my brother and I do not get along because of all the mean things he said to and about me growing up. I had to go through a lot of reassurance from my husband to overcome the feelings of self doubt and discouragement I grew up with getting from my brother because we were left to "figure it out, or fight it out". As I said, in some cases with brothers this works, but it definitely does NOT with girls. They need to know they are important to the sibling that they idolize and the more the older one picks on the younger one, the more she will try to get even in little ways. It will take the older one setting the example and then reinforcing to the little one how nice it was that the older one did something nice for them. It is constant until they have made it a habit. Good Luck!

Mother to 2 girls and 2 boys. Wife to a kind and supportive man.

Don't intervene (unless they are physically hurting each other) no matter how they appeal to you.
I used to turn issues over sharing and such right back to my two girls (2 and half years appart) by saying something like "Why are you coming to me about this?... it sounds like you and your sister need to be talking it out!"
Then I would sometimes ask them to sit down facing each other and come up with solutions etc..
Usually they could figure out some way to share without me getting dragged in.

From persoinal exerience with my sister: First, is there any tension between you and your spouse or you and the job? Kids pick up and act out on this stuff and will never be cool with each other while the tension exists. Two, are they asked to do the impossible? For example, are the asked to share chores so that one is either overwhlmed or bored stiff or one's mistakes jeopardize the total project? Three, do they get individualized treatment or are they sort of tied together at the hip? Is a failure always contrasted with the other's success?

I had two kids now 17 yrs old and 11 yrs old. they use to fight so bad that I would eventually cry. I thought that they hated each other and it broke my heart. i finally took some counseling for myself. they suggested that everytime, I cannot stress this part enough, everytime they would start to fight I would send them to different rooms for an hour and they had to sit on the floor and do nothing. then I would let them out and we would pretend that nothing happened. we would not try to solve the issue or discuse it because that was not the point. the point was that they needed to stop fighting. it took about 10 days and then they caught on and rarely argue. It was a long 10 days, but I have to say the results were so sweet. they have not fought in about 3 years now and I am very pleased. if they girls share a room make one of them go to your room and sit on the floor in there. good luck and remember lots of camamile tea helps too.

My two daughters fight a LOT, but they also love each other, kiss and hug. They have learned to say, "I forgive you, please forgive me" every time one has offended the other. Often I will both of them do that to each other. They can also say, "God forgives, I forgive". When it's been REALLY bad, i have them bow to each other and say, "Forgive me, I forgive you!". Obviously there has to be some forgiveness in between the fighting. I WOULD intervene for the simple reason that my youngest is smaller than the oldest, and the oldest tends to push her weight around. Sometimes I'll stop everything and give both of them a hug at the same time, and try to be calm and give everyone a sense of peace. If you believe in God, you can also tell them, God is very sad when people fight. He wants you to get along, I want you to get along. Read peaceful books, and make sure you have a peaceful attitude in the house.

Also, I make sure the TV influence and movies is at a MINIMUM. They are little sponges, and soak that up like nothing else. Even the childrens' movies are often inappropriate for children. Whatever happended to respect and manners? Sexual innuendoes in childrens' movies? If you've seen Alvin and the Chipmunks, you know what I'm talking about. Not to mention rudness to parents, disrespectful to each other. I was VERY sorry i brought my children there - they immediately accted up for 2 days. The movies are getting worse every day.

Separate them in separate rooms whenever they start to fight. They can have a time-out seat, just like in "The Nanny". I have put rules on the wall, that include being polite, respecting one another, clean room, etc. and they get stickers when they comply. I also give them rewards such as MacDonalds if they get along for a week. If they start to fight I remind them - do you want to go to Mickie D?

If they fight, they are also not allowed to be with friends (birthday parties get cancelled) TV, or movies. Sometimes there is a behavioural issue that needs to be addressed in one child that is causing issues. My older daughter tends to be a little arrogant and also overbearing. So I'm also working on teaching her to be more gentle and let others have opinions as well. It's a slow process, but it's progress.

God bless.

A good way to teach them respect for eachother is involving them in activities where they have to rely and depend on eachother.
Try competition of them against mom and dad. Try trust building games, activities, and outings. Try having them plan an outing that the family will take. Whatever makes them work together in a positive way and makes them excited to be a team.

Dear A.,

Jealousy is pretty common at these ages as both are in very
important puberity shifts conerning different places in their
cycle of development.

If you have income to afford counseling I would highly recommend it. Your stress around it isn't helping them develop, and your
asking for help is a positive step forward. Sometimes kids just
have to duke it out in their way. I don't suggest that. I think
it is a cry for attention.

One suggestion is to have a "special" night with ONE girl
and a "special" night with the other one. They will look
forward to these nights with you. Start by going out and
doing what the CHILD wants to do. It doesn't have to be about
spending a lot of money.

Children reflect what they know. Do you hug, speak loving words, treat them with respect, listen to them with respect?

been around a bit

One of the key figures in the Baha'i Faith, Abdu'l-Baha, taught that children must solve their own conflicts together. But, that did not mean that they should be allowed to harm one another in word or deed. A friend of mine with two boys the same ages apart would put her boys in the same room, and their knees were the only things that both HAD to touch, and COULD touch. They could not rise from that position until they had resolved whatever the difficulty was.

Now, sometimes it meant that they would stop fighting, just to be able to get up. And sometimes, they actually worked out a solution that both of them were happy with, or at least would agree to. But the consistency of the method helped them to learn how to resolve conflicts peacefully, and how to resolve them before they got to the stage of having to sit knee to knee.

Good luck!

Angel :)