Feelings for My Daughter's Father Again

Hi S.,

I'm probably a little late in the response, however I must admit I agree with most of the young ladies that responded to your request. I'm just going to take a different route....There is something called the generational curse. Where you not only inherit the physical attributes of your parents but their legacy also lives on in you. One day your daughter will fall in love, and will marry. She will learn what love is and how it works from YOU. Give her the gift of self-love. Show her how she deserves to be loved and treated. Show her how worthy she is of unconditional love and respect. S., it starts with you. She will grow up and see you either respect and love yourself demanding the best from however is in your life, or she will see you be satisfied with the leftovers and think that it is okay for her too. So he wants to be in her life, good. Now he must step up to what fatherhood really means. Your romantic feeling for him will wither has the love for yourself grows. Give it some thought.

just stay friends..it is a lot easier...

Your first priority is your daughter. I would work on getting monetary support for her. While things are going well right now, money makes people strange. I would try to maintain a friendship while working on getting the financial support for your daughter. If things are still going well I would work on the next step of your relationship. Keep focused for your little girl. I don't agree that he should be commended for not splitting the scene or taking a paternity test. He is the girl's father and he should be legally supporting her like a real man and father should. Best of luck to you and your little girl.

S.,
Now that you are a mom you have to put your daughter first. It's great that she and her dad are getting acqainted but you have to be careful that he won't end up hurting you down the road. Focus on being friends, and see where it leads (if anywhere). Plan activities that you can do as a family, not as a couple. Most important thing is that he is there for your daughter and if he wants to be a family later, great.

hello S. my names T., does he show any indication his intersted in getting together with you? if not , and your feelings are strong toward him then you should talk to him about it and see what he has to say and if he feels the same way toward you.if he dosent then i wouldnt waste my time on thinking about him and worrying about it there are a lot of wonderfull men .and if he does feel the same as you do. then i think the best place for you and him and your child to start over would be in a church. god should always come first in a persons life. and then your child second. just my oppion . not trying to push anything on you. hope this helps. godbless. smiles

Don't let your emotions cloud your good judgement...easier said than done, I know, but try. It is nice to have a relationship. but your first priority is your little girl. Your ex should be giving you monetary support and how ever "friendly" he may seem, don't be fooled by his kindness or make excuses for him, get what you deserve to raise your daughter, while letting them build a bonding relationship. Put yourself second in this matter and if he is interested in you romantically, then he will show it. Guys don't beat around the bush when it comes to someone they really want to be with, so don't be fooled. Right now but your efforts into your daughter and yourself. Building yourself up and making a better life without needing a man is how you find your true love. Maybe he is it, but truthfully, he doesn't sound like the one..

From someone who has been in a similar situation, my advice is to be friends with him, encourage him to spend time with your daughter, but move on with your life. It's obvious that he isn't truly interested in a long-term relationship with you (as hard as that is probably to accept). If he was, you probably wouldn't be single now, right? Men can do things for reasons we wouldn't even consider, so do yourself a favor and don't set yourself up for another fall. Believe me, the second time is even more self-esteem crushing than the first. (Though the pain and humiliation helps you get over him *really* fast.)

When you find the right guy, you'll know it. Don't try to rush into things, just take your time and things will come. I was lucky because I met a most incredible man only 1.5 years after my ex got over his brief curiosity about playing "dad" and left me (again) rather coldly for another woman. My current husband and I have been together for 6 years now (married for 5), and I promise you, when you find the right person, it makes a HUGE difference. I don't regret that my first relationship ended even for a minute. My daughter (now nine) is friends with her biological father and she has a great relationship with my husband.

Spare yourself the hard lesson of repeating the same mistake twice and move on now! Don't cheat yourself out of having the love and respect that you deserve.

Hello S.,

A friend of mine I think put it perfectly. She's also a single mother. Her daughter is 8 and she hasn't seen a dime of child support. She doesn't care, she feels if he doesn't want the "privilege" of being a father to their daughter, then she will not force him to. Another friend of mine, simply had him sign over his parental rights. Which was the best thing for both parties. He was a jerk and didn't deserve to have anything to do with their son.

But onto the feelings you have for your ex. I would honestly be very cautious. He already burned you once, why go through that again? Also there is a child involved. You don't want to give your child false hopes that he will ALWAYS be there for you two. But he might honestly be a good guy. I would suggest waiting it out. Don't allow yourself to be vulnerable again. Maybe you two will be together someday and have that family you desire to have.

Before you even consider a romantic relationship with him I would focus on his relationship with your daughter. Especially the child support aspect. Since he is her father he by law has to help support her and if he is unwilling to do that then he's definetly not romantic material. That's just my opinion. Good luck with everything.

S.,
You have to look around the entire situation. Everyone deserves second chances but you need to be careful and think objectively. Give yourself sometime to be an "observer" of his behavior and time will tell. Good luck, L.

Stacie, I congratulate you first of all for raising your daughter on your own without support. The question you brought forth for feedback is a "very" complex question (not knowing the entire circumstance). However, I felt impressed to write you to give you some things to ponder and pray about for you and your Daughter's well being as well as her Father. I would take it one day at a time. Maybe ask someone to watch your daughter and you and the Father go for a picnic someday or somewhere quiet where the two of you can have a heart to heart chat about possibilities. Research has proven time and time again that it is very healthy to have a Mom and Dad raising the children together "of course in a healthy family atmosphere". There is much to be cherished... it can most definitely be challenging but the payoff is far greater in the end. I know from experience first hand with my son turning 20 this year. When you ask God first what you should do... God can put the whole family together the right way and it be blessed. Thank you for being honest and sharing your feelings with others like yourself. It's very admirable what your trying to do... I wish you the best life. Respectfully Responding...

Hey girl, sounds like a pretty tough situation. Just go with your gut feeling, its ok to have feelings with the man, he made you a beautiful baby! I would play it low key, however, let him get to know his daughter first. You dont want to scare him away by making him feel as if he has to have a relationship with you to be with her. Why not try inviting him over for dinner, or out on playdates, etc. Casual togetherness; and see if you two grow closer. After awhile, when the time is right, confide in him, maybe he is thinking the same thing. Good luck.......

"I did have fairly strong feelings for him then, but they were not returned."

"We lost contact for awhile, as he contested if he was the father."

"still no support yet, not even gifts for her or something"

The answer seems to be in your question. I was in a similar situation and my best advice is to move on with your life, I could go on and on about the many reasons why guys like him will string you along. Don't fall for it no matter your feelings, you need to use your head not your heart in this situation. It's hard, but you'll be better for it and so will your daughter. Do everything legally through the court system as far as child support & visitation. Use this time your living with mom to make a goal and a plan. Save money and/or go to school. Check out http://www.singlerose.com they are an awesome supprt system of single mothers like us. Chances are that you will get very good advice from them. If you ever need to talk feel free to e-mail me at ____@____.com Good luck sweetie.

N.

My opinion, take it slow, take it easy. Enjoy the time the 3 of you spend together, but keep in mind that even if he's around now, he was gone for a while. Let him lead the way, but just keep in mind that if he left once, you need to keep a tight grasp on your heart until you are 100% positive that it's all for real.

Here's some advise for the future...
The next time you fall in love, make absolutely sure he loves YOU more than you love HIM. When a guy loves you more than you love him, he'll treasure you, support you and never leave you. He'll stick to you like "gum" under your shoe. When it's the other way around - you love HIM more than he loves YOU - that's when a guy takes advantage of you, uses you, walks all over you, and then walks out. Your baby's father probably saw your strong "feelings" for him, and he capitalized on it(don't ever loan him any money). You learned a hard lesson here.. walk past it, and go find someone else to love - someone who will love YOU more than you love HIM.

Hold on to your feelings for him but give it some time. You don't want to damage what you're currently rebuilding. I think it would be wonderful if the two of you could make it work for your daughter (romantically.) However, even if it's just friendship, in the end it'll be such a postivie thing for your daughter.

S.,

It is good that he is getting to know his daughter, but I would avoid a relationship between you and him right now. If he doesn't return the feelings again he might stay away to avoid conflict with you and that would hurt your daughter.

I would let them build a relationship and when you feel there bond has become stronger, I would approach him regarding some type of support (not in a threatening way of course). Based on his reaction, that should help you determine if you need to get an attorney and file suite.

I know you don't want to hear this but do not pursue a relationship with him right now. In fact I would make a point to cultivate other relationships in your life (friends, dating, etc.) to take your mind off of him. If you guys are meant to be together, then let him come to you. Who knows you may meet someone else and not want him later.

I hope this helps.

S., I paved a similar road......imho, work on becoming great parents with the ability to work as a team. Don't let anything interfere with that goal right now, in the future, if it is meant to be, it will happen. Don't rush things. Does your child's father work? and has he introduced the child to his family? Good Luck!