Feeling Very Guilty

Lucy O-
The very fact that you feel so guilty speaks volumes. While the action you took was harsh - you love your child. I am in a similar situation as you... a 3.5 girl and 12mo old boy. My daughter is also sensitive and clingy. I think I've learned how to tell when she's working the tears (in order to get what she wants) vs. being really upset. Either way, I'm trying to teach her to cope more effectively with her emotions. If I think she's working it - I get down to her level and tell her that she needs to stop crying (and I guide her through taking some deep breaths to calm down). I then tell her that crying will not get her what she wants - that she and mommy need to be able to talk with one another. And I tell her that sometimes the answer is going to be "no". Of course I'm being overly simple here - but you probably get the idea. The other way to deal with the tears is to have her take a "Positive Time Out" (see positivediscipline.com - founder Dr. Jane Nelson). You and your daughter can set up a "feel better" place in the house - and when she's putting on the tears big time or is really upset, you can give her a hug and ask her to spend time in her special spot until she feels better. (Note - v. hard to use this technique when out and about ...).
I have had some serious lapses in control and judgement since having my second child and have been unduely short tempered with my daughter... the Positive Discipline approach has helped me and my mindset - and ultimately my dealings with my children emmensely.
Good luck.

Lucy,

You need to get over it and move on. Feeling guilty doesn't make you a better mom.

Enough with the guilt.... You've been hard on yourself enough.

We all make mistakes, big and small.

3 very important things....
You and your daughter learned something from it.
Nothing bad happened because of it..
And you posted it here so other Mom's can learn from it.

You go back and shop in the same store...next time you see the assistant manager, smile and say hi and get on with your shopping. We all have personal issues going on, encluding the assistant manager, I'm sure.

Life is about learning and when we are aware of our mistakes and OWN THEM, we are careful about not repeating them..

Sending you healing hugs...

I was separated from my husband and had to grocery shop. Mid winter,1995, bundled to the hilt, I took off my daughter's snow suit so she wouldn't get heat stroke in the store and turned to get my son's wraps off and put him in the cart seat. I never moved from my spot. I looked for Sica and she was gone. Three and a half years old and gone. I'm calling frantically with the baby in my arms walking up and down the cashier aisles infront of the exit. All I can think of is someone's taken her. The store managers see my panic and close the store down locking the front door so no one gets in or out. Every employee is looking for her.

Sica came holding hands with an employee and wondered why I was in tears. She saw Snow White on the screen in the video department and made herself at home to watch it. I felt like the worst mom in the whole universe. I should have put her in the cart while I unbundled the baby. The problem with that is where do I put the baby while I lift her into the cart?

My point is, that no matter what I chose to do, I was leaving an opening for something to go wrong. Either my toddler walks off or my baby could be lifted away. We can only do our best to cover 10 miles of land with one foot of grass.

I learned to ask for an assistant to help me. If you need extra hands, people understand. I had people push a cart for food so my kids were in one cart and the food in another. I've had store employees hold one while I dress the other and then swap. I've had helpers come into the restroom to keep my older kids from touching things while I change the baby. It's not that I didn't control my children - but it only takes one second for something to happen.

You're not a bad Mom. You had a situation that really was a no win and something was bound to go wrong - fits and tantrums and late to work or crocodile tears over being "left". Things happen. People make mistakes that don't seem like bad choices until hindsight says otherwise. Let go of the guilt, think of what to do next time differently, move on. You're doing a great job! If it was supposed to be mistake free - babies would come with instruction manuels!

I would have done the same thing. And I have done many things as a mom where I have later said to myself, "What the HELL were you thinking?! Do you realize what could have happened or gone wrong?" Then I've proceeded to play a tape in my head about what a bad mother I am, and how so and so would never have done things that way. It's even worse when someone else has observed you. Please don't beat yourself up. I realized quickly that mommy guilt comes with the territory. And NONE of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Hopefully your daughter learned a lesson, because our kids do need to learn to listen, and they need to learn that we need to have them listen for their safety, not because we're tyrants. Take a deep breath--you are a fantastic mother. It is obvious how much you love your children!

Hey Lucy,
I am glad you realize that leaving her alone was dangerous. That being said, relax I have done the same thing a number of times, the only thing different you should do is keep her in sight even if she cannot see you, a good sacre works wonders once in a while. Don't feeel guilty, you made a mistake, she learnt a lesson-no harm done!

I have a 6 year old that pushes my buttons everyday...with anything anywhere. In this case I would have "dragged" him away from the game right out to the car. But letting him get a little upset for not being able to find me, I would have done that too. Store Manager: who cares. I would know in my heart that my child would never act like that again in that store. The other lesson I am trying to teach my son is when we are doing things to benefit him, he should work with me not against me. I always suffer from Guilt, and it truly is a waste of energy! So dont be so hard on yourself, she needs to learn boundaries and who is boss. Good Luck.

give yourself a break, you are human. what we do is so hard sometimes, and sometimes our emotion and frustration get the best of us. and as for what anyone else thinks, they can go scratch if they want to pass judgement on you. let he without sin cast the first stone, right? so you made a mistake, you wont do it again, and thankfully she is fine. i cant tell you how many times i have had tears of fear and gratitude in my eyes and thanked Gd with all my heart for once again letting me learn a lesson the easy way. and thats it.
by the way, here is what i did for that situation. use your stroller. if she steps out of line, strap her in, no second chances. the world is too dangerous to take chances out there. i did this with all my kids (well, the oldest 2 so far, my almost 2 year old is next) , and they are much better behaved out in public than at home. they know they have no leeway when we are out. best of luck, D.

Dont feel guilty. If you used to work in that store, you know what kind of place it is - you wouldnt have left her if you knew there was a severe threat of her being taken. She is 6 1/2, not 6 mos. Dont worry!!

Lucy ... STOP FEELING GUILTY ... that's an order!! lol More seriously, though, the important thing is that you know you made an error in judgment--there are moms & dads out there that do worse and DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT, or refuse to acknowledge it! As a first-time mom, I'm constantly facing "lapses of judgment." In fact, there are days I wonder if I'm doing anything right!! Your guilty feelings will pass--and, perhaps if your daughter really did learn something from the situation, something good came out of it after all. Either way, start feeling RELIEVED that "all's well that end's well" instead of feeling guilty. We all know it could have been worse, but it WASN'T sweetie. As far as the assistant managers go ... if they have children too, they most likely understand the situation in the long run. If they don't have kids, just think about HOW MUCH they don't know--that they'll never understand until they're raising little ones of their own. It's a tough job, there's no manual, we learn as we go, we try to do our best each and every day. Your daughter (and your other 2 babies) is lucky to have such a caring mother, and believe me, she'll get over it--waaaaay before you do! I wish I had a child's resiliency! Give yourself some credit, Mommy! Sleep well tonite knowing that you are not alone and that you are a GREAT mother and woman!
-T

Lucy,

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM!! Good moms make mistakes. Your child is safe and you both learned a lesson. Anyone in your shoes could have made the same choice and I'm sure many have. Don't beat yourself up. Its a lesson learned for you both and will bring you closer to your daughter.

Good luck,
R.

Lucy, you're being too hard on yourself. I think that your daughter has likely learned a valuable lesson about being defiant. Nothing terrible happened, except that your daughter experienced a consequence for defying you, and consequences are supposed to be unpleasant. You are not a bad mom.

We ALL do that from time to time. Don't worry about that store manager - you didn't hit her, or anything like that. You did something that you will probably never do again. There are times where my dgtr won't listen to me and my response (not often, but I still feel horrible the few times I've done it) is to scream at her, then I have a hard time feeling sorry for her fear after! Once I separate myself and look at the situation, I think - are you crazy???? You mentioned that you have some other things going on - that's never helpful! I know! Try to focus on those other things to deal with them and not harbor them when you are with your dgtr (easier said than done). But - try to let this go - you shouldn't feel guilty, NOTHING bad happened. Yes, it could have and that's a something that you will likely never let go - but it didn't. It's ok and if a lapse in judgment made us bad mothers - that would be one hell of a busy club!

Lucy,
You do not need to convince me that you are a good mom who loves her children deeply! You felt guilty, recognized your mistake, and learned from it. That is what GOOD moms do!

Just yesterday my 6 year old asked if she could go to her friend's house right across the cul-de-sac. Usually
I watch her until I see her safely inside or on her way home. However, I was so tired that once she walked out the front door my brain shut down and I didn't check on her. It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I realized she was gone and I couldn't see her - I didn't think the neighbors were even home so i really panicked that she was missing! I called the neighbors to ask if she was there. Thank God she was but boy did I sound neglectful!
It happens and we need to learn from it. SO try not to beat yourself up too much. Our job is hard enough.

Stop feeling guilty, I think I would have done the same thing. Your kids need to learn to listen to you. I hope you didnt apologize to her. As far as someone abducting her, we have the news media to blame for this phobia. Think of the millions of kids in this country and how many run to their friends, walk home alone from school. play outside, etc and then consider how many are abducted. Of course even ONE abduction is too many, but most of these so called abductions are done by a relative. So dont beat yourself up that she might have been abducted. I would have been more concerned that she might have run outside into the parking lot and gotten run over.
I think your bigger problem is that your daughter is refusing to listen to you and you have to set down limits and consequences right away.

<<She knew I said no but ran after it anyway. So instead of going to go get her like I always do, and tell her that we don't have time, and argue with her like I always do>>

She is getting older and will defy you more and more unless there are limits.

Hi Lucy,
First of all, I'm so glad your daughter is safe and sound. I'm sure you are also! Secondly, this is just the first of many "lapse of judgements" you are going to have as a Mom. I am sure looking back on that moment, you would never have let her go in the opposite direction for fear of someone taking her. (which happens way too often, unfortunately!) We live and we learn. Not one of us is perfect. Just be happy that she's okay. This sounds like an experience you'd never like to repeat again, so just focus on the future and enjoy your daughter and please remember, we all make mistakes and truthfully, we are not with our children at ALL times. It sounds like your daughter did the right thing by finding someone in charge to find you also. Give her lots of kudos for that.
Take care,
Lynsey

Lucy, when my daughter was born a dear friend of mine told me one of the wisest things I'd ever heard: once you become a parent, you become an easy target for others. Everyone from family, to friends, to strangers on the street is arrogant enough to think they can parent your child better than you can. Don't worry about what others think, and if they have the nerve to actually say something, smile, thank them and tell them you've got it under control. You're not a bad mom. You're human; we've all had momentary lapses and we can't watch our kids 24/7. Unfortunately it's that split second when you take your eyes off them that they get into trouble. Your daughter's fine. You'll be fine. Laugh this off and put it behind you.

Hi Lucy,
Please get over feeling guilty. You daughter is safe and hopefully she learned a lesson.
When my children were young I used to get very frustrated when they didn't want to listen in the store and went to look at whatever I told them not to. I used to hide and watch them so when the looked back they would get scared. I think it did teach my daughter a lesson.
No one ever tells you the aggravation you will have at times when you have kids.
J.

Hey Lucy,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Fortunately nothing bad did happen to your daughter. I was a single mother for a short time and I know there were times I didn't think I would make it through the day so sometimes you let thing go that you normally would not. Children can wear us down at times and sometimes we take the easy way out just because we are tired and just can't deal with things. It makes you human and humans make mistakes. You have realized your mistake, apologized to your daughter, and like I said nothing bad happened. I say stop feeling guilty and think about all of the wonderful things you have done as a mom. Don't let guilt cloud your judgment and overindulge her at this point. What you have shown your daughter is that its okay to make a mistake as long as you learn from it, say you are sorry and move on. Have a Happy Easter and enjoy your kids!!!

Lucy, nothing happened, and no you're not a bad mom. trust me. who cares what others think, in this situation your other option would have been to give in (and then have to deal with that for months to come). i don't have a similar story, mine are younger but i do get put to test every time we step into stores. they want to wander away if i don't give in to what they want to get. what i do is easy and even though i have to pay with unfinished chores, if they do what they're not supposed to, i immediately leave with them. we come home empty handed. give yourself a break. you're a great mom. wipe tears and smile :)

Lucy, I must say that it is not easy walking into a store that is why they put the games and candy machines in the front to catch their eyes on entry. I have a three year old, and she used to run away when we enter the store. I was unable to run faster than my three year old one day because of foot surgery, and as soon as we enter the store she took off running away, lucky my older kids was there with me to run after her, she is three, but believe me very quick on her feet, when they return with her after a few min, I took her by the hands and explain to her that what she did was wrong, and she have gotten hurt, and because of what she did we were not going to shop, instead we are going home, she ask why Daddy, and I told her again she was bad, and when you don't listen to your parents it makes it hard to shop and do other things, one we got home I send her to her room for a few min, once again I explain to her the reason why. This was in early Feb 09, now when we go to the store I have no more running away, she always come and hold my hands, and remind me that she is not going to run away no more. Now I feel safe going out with her. Because it don't take much for serious things to happen, because instead of the store manager being there to bring her to you, it could have been someone with her headed the other way. I do not, and I say do not let my three year old out of my arm reach or constant eye contact in large stores. half single parent, Mom is deployed.

Lucy,
Not much time here, but if your daughter was truly upset by what you did - those were not 'crocodile tears'. That term is used when a person makes out that they are truly scared and upset when really they are not.

You could have easily turned the situation around on your daughter to make it a learning one: Bringing the issue up to your daughter in front of the manager - what happens when you don't stay with me? You can figure out from there.

Bad Mom? No. Bad judgement? Yes. Correctable? Yes, you started by coming here. She is your youngest or oldest? Learning a lesson here on both ends would be your best outcome. You can't be perfect, but in this world you have to be close to it to keep your kids safe.

Don't forget to touch back on this lesson a few times in the coming weeks - so she doesn't forget (and you either).

Good luck, you're doing great so far!
M.

I just read your story and it touched me. My son is a year and a half and about 10 months ago, I left his father. Even so, I would have to say that both my pregnancy and his whole life has been filled with my dealing with this and trying to get our lives together again.

During this time, I have often not been a good mother. Sometimes I am too hard and other times, really distracted. Miraculously, he seems to be happy, well adjusted and generally a good boy.

It's hard being a Mom and dealing with life. Today life is fast, expensive and oh so politically correct.

So my feeling is, give yourself a break. Perhaps you handled it in the wrong way. You could not have necessarily known that on the onset. I could have turned out a different way. You could have walked to the paper dishes and she could have followed and everything would have been alright.

It didn't. OK. And the bottom line is that no one took her. So, moving forward, you will not handle things this way again. For your comfort and your daughter's.

Believe me, she still loves you. And trusts you. And as for the person in the store. Whatever. Someone once told me, "It's not your business what other people thing of you"
It's true!

Enjoy your party, enjoy your children and revel in the fact that you are a good mom.

Lucy,
I am not going to read the other post because if people were rude to you I'll be upset. The fact that you feel badly about what you did and that you regret it is enough...you're not a bad mom...you're a human one!! One that makes mistakes and regrets them. Guess what?? When my kids screw up I make them appoligize and when I mess up I APPOLIGIZE!!!! Tell her how sorry you are that you scared her and that you promise you would never leave her...and then forgive yourself and get over it!! You screwed up, it turned out okay(meaning she's safe) get over it!! i was teaching my 2 yearold how to walk with me w/o a stroller and he ran off and climed up into one of the racks...the longest 2 minutes(felt like time stopped) of my life...guess what now he holds my hands..ALWAYS!! I would also explain to her how her not listening to directions hurt your feelings and made you angry and that even though you reacted the wrong way, she was wrong to disobey you...as for the other people in the store if they have never made a mistake when dealing with another person in their whole life...GOD bless them!!! but I wouldn't waste another thought on how someone else views you...you have to live with you, not them...I have had mommy moments that wouldn't get me into the "great mom hall of fame" and I've had some that would...again we're only human! stop feeling guilty, you've punished yourself enough...

We are all going to make mistakes as parents. Don't be so hard on yourself. Let your daughter know how much you love her and reassure her that you would never leave her. She is probably totally over it by now. Mother guilt can be a terrible thing. Hang in there.

Don't feel bad.. you both learned a lesson. Maybe next time you can go to the store 15 minutes earlier.. to let her have a treat (playing the game) or maybe in the early evening you can go back so she can play. Let her know that it's ok to play if you say so.. but sometimes we are rushed.. good luck.. and give her a big kiss later on. Tell her you do love her.. and enjoy every moment with your kids.. take a little more time to play with them... they grow really really fast.. mine are 13 and 10 already.. where does the time go?? Happy Easter.. and relax..

I admit, I was shocked by reading your story; however, the only part I think I was shocked about is that you walked away from her and let her leave YOUR sight. I think if I was in those shoes, and have been I would have stayed close where I saw her but she did not see me just to make sure she learned the lesson but remained safe. This is one of those situations where as everyone here has said you and her have both learned; hoever, the only thing I would do at this point is cover how dangerous that was and how someone could have taken her. Let her know how much you lover her and want to protect her, but she needs to listen so you can do your job. Feeling guity well that is normal, it falls under it hurts us more then them.

Take a deep breath, it is ok.

I totally know where you are coming from. My kids test me to the brink sometimes. They need to learn consequences to their behavior. My daughters pediatrican said to me when my daughter was diagnosed w/ asthma,"There is so much guilt that goes along with motherhood. Dont let yourself feel guilty". I had missed the warning signs of asthma and my daughter could have had a serious, land in the hospital problem. I always feel guilty after I discipline my children. They are such drama queens and it drives me nuts. Sometimes you have to use harsh measures. I think deep down you knew she would be safe. You knew where she was and I dont think you would have left her long at all. Us moms are not perfect and we are doing the best that we can. Being a single mom w/ 3 kids is not easy and you are probably exhausted. I have a husband but sometimes I feel like I'm going at it alone. It bring tears to my eyes too when I think about a past situation where I shouldnt have done what I did or yelled at my kids like I did. Every person and child is different. Why do us moms have to be a certain way. Not everyone is doing to make the right decisions all the time. It's hard not to beat ourselves up. My 2 year old is crying as we speak b/c she wants Daddy. Daddy left w/o saying goodbye. She's melting down and I'm typing away. I also have 2 cats.

We all make mistakes, we're human. Just know that you're not alone. We as parents try to make the best choices for our kids and try to teach them life lessons, but sometimes there's a lesson there for us too. Don't beat yourself up about it just think twice next time because next time you might not be so lucky. Hold your little girl tight and let her know how much you love her. We don't want to scare our children but at the same time they need to know there's danger out there. Good Luck to You!!!

You both learned a very important lesson. Stop feeling guilty and talk to your daughter about the importance of obeying. Also talk to her about strangers and what to do if she does get lost someplace. She needs to know what to do because even the worlds greatest mother can have a child wander away and get lost. It happens!!! You sound like a loving, caring mom but none of us are perfect!! Relax! You both learned so your good!!! A.

the good news is that nobody took her. it's in the past, so stop hitting yourself over the head about it. maybe the child will have learned the lesson, that non means no. also, next time something happens like that...leave the store. no party. and so foth. at some point the message will get through. another thought is that your child does NOT have to be there with you when you shop for his/her party. there are many times that my schedule doesn't allow for extra time, so i do it myself. no love lost. we discuss beforehand about the party and then i'm off on my own. it's also down time for me as well.

Hi Meghan,

We have all been there. Thank GOD she was return safe to you. Just look at this like a lesson for the both of you and move forward. We are not perfect, and I know we have done things we think back on and say thank goodness nothing went wrong. I hope you both feel better. :)

It sounds like you and your daughter both learned a valuable lesson, so just acknowledge that fact and move on. If it creeps into your mind again, just say a quick prayer, asking Our Lord to help you to forgive yourself so that you can move on now. Lesson learned. We are all learning lessons every day of our lives. That is a good thing. The other day, my husband & I were shopping in a store where there were more folks than usual..... mostly shopping for Easter...... and I went off to find something for the house that we needed, when I was suddenly standing in front of a sweet little baby boy, who was about 3 months old, sitting, actually, slanting to one side in the baby seat part of the cart, crying, with no parent around. I looked around and then saw his mom several feet away from him. She had all of her attention on the item she was thinking about purchasing and totally ignoring her son. Okay.... what to do..... say something? Being that there were so many people, the thought that someone could just scoop him up and easily walk away with him came to mind. Plus, he was obviously uncomfortable. I stood there right by his cart and wondered what to do. She did turn then and saw me standing there.... I think it scared her, because she quickly came to the cart and quickly walked away with cart and baby. I do hope she learned something that day. I still wonder if I should have said something to her. I wanted to very much, but was hesitant to. I hope she got the message anyway. I should have at least asked; "Excuse me, is this your baby?" or something like that anyway. We all make mistakes, we can only hope that we learn from them. Good luck & God bless.
D. N.

Give you daughter love and move on! I am new to this parenting - my son is only two years old, but I KNOW I have done things that I have felt guilty for...and I'm sure all my judgement calls are not always the best...just THANK GOODNESS that nothing happened that was serious, learn from your mistake and let it go!

Oh my, put that guilt aside. You made a poor judgement call in the spur of the moment fueled by anger. Who hasn't? I once gave my four-year-old a swat on the bottom in my helplessness and irritation. She, always a tough little girl, refused to cry or acknowledge in any way that it hurt, and swatted me right back. Talk about a wake-up call. That was her first and last spanking and I learned a wonderful lesson: while we are teaching our kids the way of the world, they are teaching us right back. You listened. Be proud of yourself and try to move on.