Ok ladies, I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the best summary of the situation I could come up with.
My husband has made yet another huge f*ck-up that has put our family at risk and lied about it again. I just discovered he has been a 1099 all year, no withholding, has held nothing aside for taxes, but keep talking about and letting me count on our typical $6K tax refund. I specifically told him in May that he had to stop bringing home regular checks as pay and had to get himself on payroll and start withholding, because our family relies on his withholding to pay our taxes. My home business doesn't qualify estimated taxes and I don't have any withholding personally either. So we've paid $0 in taxes for 2015 and are now facing a huge bill as opposed to a refund. I'm furious and fed up, because I told him exactly what we needed and why and when I asked him about it I was told "It's all taken care of." I asked if he's now having taxes withheld and he said yes. Actually, snapped at me (as per his usual) because he just said it was taken care of (duh!). Now, here we are in a huge mess and I'm probably going to have to sell my car to pay the taxes. He says he told me he was doing a 1099, but if he had I could have fixed this back in May. He lied, again, to do as he pleased instead of as I asked and I'm cleaning up a huge mess, AGAIN!
This is obvious not the first time he has done something like this. From not taking care of the paperwork to secure our major investment buying 30% of our friend's business, to not paying his car insurance and getting arrested for driving on a revoked registration due to no insurance (TWICE!), he always tells me it's taken care of. He usually means he *plans* on taking care of it, but then doesn't and waits until the sh*t hits the fan.
Every time, I find out, I blow up, he's remorseful, he promises he's sorry and he'll change, he'll never do it again...until the next time when he's upped the ante and the mess is bigger.
I've lost all trust in him. I can't count in him to pay his bills, so I do it. I can't count on him to handle money responsibly, so we now only have a joint checking account. I open all of his mail, because I can't trust him to tell me about important things or to handle things that need attention. He's relinquished all credit cards in the past because of purchases made without telling me that screwed us. He has access to online bill pay and, even though I've asked and he's promised to help pay the household bills, doesn't even open the power or water bill, just puts them in a pile for me.
I don't think he's cheated on me, but he's threatened to and I can't believe anything he says anymore because of all the lies.
He's always sorry. He's always never going to do it again. He's always going to change, be a better man, better husband, better father. I've always caved, made him promise, given him an ultimatum that if this ever happens again that we're done. I've always been a chump. I feel like I only have two choices here:
-forgive him again and wait for the next bigger, more expensive mess to surface until I discover a secret credit card or something so major we loose our house.
-divorce.
Can anyone offer me any words of wisdom or perspective? I asked him to leave 2 days ago, but he refuses. I have a business in our home and am trying to avoid uprooting all 4 kids to a single bedroom in my mom's condo.
Thanks for the advice ladies.
To clarify a few things:
-We're both in our mid-late 30's, married for almost 8 years, together almost 11.
-My husband is self employed. Last January, we bought into a friend's business. In May, I told him to stop paying himself from the company checkbook and run his paychecks through the payroll company so we'd have withholding. He instead let the accountant convince him a 1099. This was his choice, not an unreasonable demand I asked him to make on an employer.
-New paycheck=new amounts deposited, so there was no increase in deposited money to notice.
-I owned the home before we started dating, so I already had all the bills set up to pay from my account. He handled his existing bills and some new bills from his account, until he didn't. Several years ago, he closed his account and made my account a joint, so that all banking was transparent. I never wanted to be in charge of all finances, but it came about as the only way to protect myself and now my kids.
-I can't afford counseling. We have a very high deductible and it would all be out of pocket until our deductible is reached. I wish I could.
-Marda is right. I feel like the parent of an insolent teenager. I HATE having to tell him what to do, check up on him, get his bad attitude and snapping when I do. I want nothing more than a husband who I can count on, depend on, who maybe even takes care of me, but I just don't have that.
-I honestly don't know if I love him anymore. I don't like him most days. I'm burned out from giving my all to a man who has given me nothing.
- If I don't fix this mess, I will go down right along with him. We file jointly, we are married, we are both employed, we both owe. I'm not going to split hairs about you owe x and I owe y.
-I'm not trying to make this a battle of wills. I'm going to do what's best for my kids. I'm also not trying or willing to micromanage him with an allowance (spending isn't an issue anymore) or restricting his gas (ridiculous to think that would be a valid option that helps a marriage). I do not think starting a war and making the other person miserable teaches any "lessons" or benefits the situation in any way.
If I knew my husband was a terrible money manager, I would manage all the money, including the taxes.
It sounds to me like you are done. If for some reason you do not leave him the obvious solution is you take over all finances. Give no trust to him. He gets an allowance from you and has zero credit cards. Sell his car to pay the taxes and let him take the bus from now on. In some way the consequences should fall on him so he will maybe learn from this. How incredibly frustrating!
Trust is everything. I think you've given him enough chances. He's not going to change. You know what you need to do.
I suggest individual and marriage counseling if you want to stay in this marriage. I see relationship difficulties as much of an issue as financial difficulties. I suggest, probably because of the financial issues, that the two of you are in a parent-child relationship. I suggest that he is rebelling against you because you are the one in control. He's a "child." What do teens do when they feel their parent is controlling them? Rebel. Perhaps he's never grown up.
I understand why you've taken charge of finances. Someone has to be the adult. I would also resent being put in this situation. I would also be at a loss knowing how to change this dynamic. I've experienced similar relationships in which I felt I had to take over. I've learned that I either have to let go or find a way to relate to the other person as an adult. Counseling has helped me to learn that I cannot control the other person. I must change the way I feel and react or leave the relationship.
I suggest a possible way to manage family finances is to accept he is unable to do what needs to be done for financial security and take over. Take over by treating him as an adult. Suggest this is not working without blaming him. Include him in the decision. Be kind. Acknowledge, at least to yourself, that he lies because he doesn't want to be caught by his "mom." Yes, immature.
I suggest both of you need counseling to make this happen. If he won't go, go yourself so that you can make an informed choice about what to do for this relationship. Stay, having made changes for yourself, or leave knowing.you've done the best you can.
For me, I would choose to see if I could change the dynamics if other parts of the relationship were ok. If changing the way we handled finances would improve how we related in other ways. I, nearly always, opt for counseling before I leave (emotionally or physically) because I see every situation as an opportunity for me to grow. When I stay or leave, I know more about myself, what I need, how to get what I need, and how to have a more satisfactory relationship where I am now or when I'm facing a different situation.
Later: you can make arrangements with the IRS to pay back taxes in monthly payments. I've done that.
I suggest that you try taking over managing the money. Don't expect him to learn how to manage money. Expect him to lie so don't ask him questions. Set up automatic bill payments where ever possible, so there is no question about whether or not a bill was paid. Instead of relying on automatic tax withdrawals on checks. Open a savings account for end of year tax payments.
My cousin only agreed for his employer to take out the minimum required for taxes. He put the amount of money he expected to pay, plus a bit more, into an account earning money. His thought was why should government earn money with his money when he could earn money for himself.
I get wanting him to be responsible; wanting him to be involved in taking care of his family financially. And still feeling like a parent when you take over. You've tried including him. It hasn't worked. I would try really taking over by taking over everything. I would work on letting go of the feeling that a man should be involved in financial planning. I'd start by accepting that he's not capable and that not being capable does not mean he's a child. It's just the way it is. I suggest that once you're comfortable managing all the money, it's possible your relationship will improve.
Be kind to yourself and your husband. Be partners in other ways. Plan ways to rebuild trust and intimacy. Give it a try before considering divorce. Because divorce opens up a new level of pain as well as a vastly different way of living that will affect your children. They are negatively affected by the rancor and anger there now. I see the possibility of a space in the middle in which everyone wins.
You listed 2 options. There are at least 3. I wouldn't continue the way you have now. I'd take over the finances, recognizing I'm doing this because I'm best at managing them. Not because he's a child. I have learned that I'm not happy until I try to make something work. Only then am I willing to call it quits. You may not need to try a different way before ending your marriage. You are at a cross road. You have much more involved than money.
As to counseling. Some professionals will charge less if you don't involve your insurance. Or will accept the insurance payment plus a bit more. I've paid for counseling both of those ways.
I've been in your shoes. You have two choices - divorce or accept. Let's go over them:
Divorce - the pro is that you no longer have to deal with the illusion of joint finances. You know what you've got, and you can control that and work with that. If you have enough, that's great and may very well be worth it. The problem will be that if you don't have enough to support all of your kids on your own, now you have even less control over him and his finances and will spend tons of time and energy trying to get him to pay you what he ends up owing you for child support, etc. Sure, there are laws and enforcement - tell that to my oldest son's father, who has paid me $600 in the past 17.5 years.
Accept - your husband can't handle money. He just can't. Neither can mine. Money issues don't scare my husband, at all. When he got into trouble when he was younger, he declared bankruptcy. Then burned through an inheritance of several hundred thousand dollars, then was smart enough to marry me and sponge off of me while he under-earned from one crappy, pie-in-the-sky, "this is the next big thing" job to another, spent what we didn't have, opened new bank accounts when I started to scrutinize him to a point of discomfort, etc. At some point, I don't recall when, it became less of an issue. He didn't get better, but I stopped being surprised and angry, stopped expecting him to pay bills, and stopped expecting him to be an equal partner in our finances. And he stopped spending money to spite me or as a passive-aggressive way of getting back at me. He never matured into an equal partner in finance, but it stopped being a maddening game of cat and mouse.
All that said...we're getting divorced, but surprisingly, not over money. As predicted, he doesn't have enough to live on and certainly not enough to pay me what he is supposed to. At some point, this will go to court and he will be under an order that he won't be able to afford. Not sure what will happen at that point, but it will be his problem. While I could certainly use what he is supposed to pay me, and on principal he should be paying for health insurance and other expenses of his that come out of my paycheck, right now his lack of payments doesn't prevent me from paying my bills and putting food on the table. So for me, there is a benefit to this in that I love that I have complete control over my finances again, I can reliably predict my income and expenses, and make decisions based on real information. Not knowing what he was up to was always stressful and unsettling.
Anyway...that's my 2 cents. If I were you, I'd find a way to pay for counseling, which is a hell of a lot cheaper than divorce. If you have a high deductible plan, you should set up a health savings account to save up your deductible and then when you need to pay medical bills, the money is there. Really, you need to do something and counseling is a drop in the bucket compared with the expenses of divorce and supporting your kids on your own.
Your husband has a problem.
Sorry, but I think you enable him.
The second time should've been it.
He is fiscally abusing you and your children. Lying, hiding money, threatening the relationship? And you look the other way.
YOU need to stop this dysfunction.
Get a therapist. Get a cash discount. They will reduce their rates.
Regardless, investing in your emotional well being and that of your children is way cheaper then continuing this "one more time" game with your husband. You need support to stop investing in someone who continues to betray you and your children's future.
I also think a great suggestion to seek legal counsel or contact a women's shelter. What I would do is start setting money aside that he can't get to, and make sure I look into how to financially protect yourself from your husband.
I agree with those that have suggested counseling. I don't see this as all him either. You told him to get on a payroll? It isn't like a contractor can walk in and say you must employee me, my wife said so! So asking him to do the impossible is kind of forcing him to lie to you. Was he supposed to say sorry honey, I am really not that good at my job that I can demand employment?
You have the 6k somewhere, what did you do with it? I mean did you just assume he was suddenly making 10% more and just spent it? I understand you are angry but I don't understand a lot of this rant. Are you saying you pay all the bills off of your income? If my husband suddenly stopped withholding I would see a major increase in savings or spending, kind of hard not to notice.
Anyway, I probably shouldn't answer this in my confused state so I will go back to find a therapist. Sounds like you all need one.
Per your what happened, nothing is your fault is it? I am not saying your husband wasn't wrong ignoring what was going to happen but you ignored it too. New job, new check amount, then you said start withholding but the check amount doesn't change? You knew, you did nothing, not sure why, perhaps money was tight and you were hoping things would change before the year ended. You knew he wasn't withholding but you kept asking anyway, was this so it wasn't your fault, because you asked and he lied? Why didn't you just start sending in his estimated taxes?
I will end with this, you both don't sound like you can afford divorce without you ending up in that one bedroom in the condo. You say spending isn't an issue anymore but if that is the case why don't you have the money for your taxes.
I think Marda has sound advice regarding your relationship and dynamic with your husband. As far as the taxes it's not as dire as it seems. Personally I know how owing on taxes works because we have made some mistakes and learned the hard way. You complete the tax forms, figure out what you owe, cry because it is a ridiculous amount, file and then contact the IRS to make payments. I have family who have done a similar thing long term (several years to pay off six figure debts). Good luck.
Counselling. For you alone, to figure out what you want. And because you cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself, and how to react to the other person.
3 choices. 1) cave again 2) divorce 3) Accept he cannot do it and you have to do it and let the anger go.
I know 3 totally sucks, and you can still choose 2, but I lived #3 with my ex. It was very stressful for a few years when I tried to make him step up and handle some finances, but after enough terrible disasters (ending in bankruptcy due to enormous 4 year IRS debt due to improperly filed taxes by HIS BAND accountant that had nothing to do with me but destroyed my credit as joint filer.....I spent four years of my life fixing that mess while raising toddlers and it almost killed me) I realized I had to do all the finances. Or divorce. He COULD NOT and WOULD NOT do them, no matter what he said. At one point I said, "Why don't you just admit the finances are completely my responsibility." And he did. And I took full access and control of all accounts.
We divorced for other reasons, and now I STILL do his finances and taxes, we left the accounts exactly the same, because he knows he cannot pay all his bills and manage child support and taxes. He's incapable. On the upside, he supports us and I don't work, so I'm able to take all those hours to manage finances and it's worth it to me even on top of raising three kids and running a house.
So there you have it. You really can't make him do it. Go from there. I feel your pain. It's A LOT OF WORK.
If it's any consolation, LOTS of women have this situation. Lots of my friends have musicians who travel for husbands and they have to handle all finances too.
Is this your only marriage issue? If so I wouldn't divorce over it if you can take on the finances. It's actually sort of liberating to be in control once you accept it. If there are other issues, then this doesn't happen over night with just kicking him out or you moving kids out. You separate, get some lawyer consultations, and take each step at a time.
I'm so sorry! I'd be at my wits end to. Buckets to keep this brief :
1. Financial peace university you say spending isn't a problem so then the $6k you owe is saved?
2. There are inexpensive counseling options especially through churches
3. Marriage counseling is almost always cheaper than divorce
Best of luck!
That's tough. I feel for you.
The thing is, do you love him anymore? Sometimes we get so fixated on being treated unfairly, poorly, disrespectfully, not trusting, doubting ... all these emotions from reacting to how we're being treated, we don't stop to think "now how do I feel for this person?".
I was with someone very similar to how you describe your husband. We were together a very long time. I could not trust him. He lied all the time. He was always so sorry. In the end, I just decided to get off the roller coaster. Best decision I ever made.
You could spend the rest of your life reacting to his bad decisions and choices and threats. Or you could start making decisions in your best interest. And your kids.
You can't change him.
You could add a third option - counselling. Either together and/or for you. Marriage counselling holds people accountable to make change and progress. Counselling could be good for you to figure out how you're really feeling.
Remember - you deserve more than being lied to and always feeling nervous about your financial affairs. Not to mention any man who threatens to cheat on you in my books is a total a-hole. Which is why I would suggest again, really question yourself - do you still love this man? Do you like him as a person? Do you respect him? That may help your decision. Good luck and keep us posted :)
Yes this is a particularly frustrating situation. I get it. My husband incurred over $35,000.00 of debt to the IRS because he refused to listen to me but we managed to pay it all off in about 6 years. It wasn't easy and I was used to getting significant refunds which they scooped up to pay of HIS debt. We are a team so I figured the money would be paid back faster together than apart.
You must STOP blaming him for all of your financial troubles. You knew in May there might be a problem but you did nothing that you could have done to help your family. You even made the excuse here "My home business doesn't qualify estimated taxes and I don't have any withholding personally either" The IRS will accept any money you send them.
You know he isn't good at paying bills, will lie to you if pressured, and won't take your advice. My guess is you may be more angry at yourself for trying to trust him again. Trust is something that is earned over time with verification through actions. Now is the time to take control of your family's finances (savings and expenses).
Don't you also have access to paying bills online? If you do why don't you link his financial info to the bill payment. Stop being mad/angry but take over. Are you a wise enough woman to make your husband feel as though it was his idea for you to pay the bills? (This is what I would use this period of guilt and remorse for.)
Don't assume you can't afford counseling because it seems to me like you have nothing to loose by seeking counseling. I know counselors here do it on a sliding scale or as others have suggested the church is another good option for getting counseling. You will need it and so will your children if you decide that divorce is the option you choose to exercise. Even if you choose to stay married you clearly need it. Your husband doesn't feel safe enough to tell you the truth and you don't feel secure enough for him to handle the finances yet you keep giving him that responsibility.
It's time for change and let it begin with you since you are the only one you can control.
I'm wishing you great success in a turnaround of events for your family.
So sorry no advice but I will say, I TOTALLY understand your frustration and anger and I'm really sorry. Given the history, I would also contemplate divorce. Good Luck.
Do you love this guy (aside from all of the financial screw ups)? If so, you need marriage counseling. It sucks to have to be the one solely in charge of finances but if you must be, than it falls on you.
If you do stay with him, he may need his own counseling to help with his issues. Also, you may have to run credit reports every so often to make sure no secret accounts have been open.
Again, ball is in your court. But some serious help might make a difference. Remember, only he can change himself (if that is even possible).
I understand your frustration completely. Sounds like he is not good with paperwork and finances, lots of people are like that. I would just take on the finances myself and that way there will be no more surprises. I would never consider leaving my husband over messed up paperwork or being out some money, but that is me, I don't consider money to be the most important thing in life. It does sound like you treat him a bit like a child, and I will say from experience that when we treat our men like children they have no reason to grow up and act like men. When I stopped trying to control my husband and tell him what to do and how to do it he became much better at taking care of things for himself, but I still always handled the finances because we both know that is just one area he is not good in.
There is a big, waving, neon red flag in your post that is buried deep, and it's not about finances.
You write that he has "threatened to" cheat on you.
Any person who uses that as a threat has even bigger issues than the very big ones you describe here. He is not just immature and self-centered and irresponsible, he's also cruel, because threatening to cheat is cruel. That may be the last of your worries since he's doing nothing much to keep your family fed and housed, I get that. But it shows that he sees nothing wrong with treating you like dirt in EVERY way, not just financially. An immature guy who was slack with finances? That could be fixed if the wife is OK with handling all finances and the guy is appreciative of it. But a guy who lies about what he's doing financially and then has the gall to threaten to cheat? Goodbye.
I note that in the addition you say you can't afford counseling, but please consider: There are "women's centers" in most areas, as well as county and city health departments and church pastoral counseling centers, that can connect you with low-cost, sliding-scale or no-cost counseling. I can see how hunting for counseling right now is not something you want to do, with the very tough situation you're in financially. But counseliing for you alone could help you see if you need to leave this marriage; counseling for you together might make him wake up to his shirked responsibilities (or might confirm for you that he's never going to wake up and be a husband and father).
The fact that you asked him to leave and he refused is also worrying and also got kind of buried by the financial side of things. What if things worsen and he still refuses to leave your home? Is he going to drag out threats of cheating, or worse? Go on a spree and spend out all the money he can get his hands on? I'd get as much money as you can into your own name only, immediately, because you need protection (and I'd do it even before thinking about counseling!). The overspending is not an issue now, you say, but he could clear out your bank accounts tomorrow if they're joint. You already say you think about what might happen if you "discover a secret credit card" or you lose your house.
I haven't read the other responses so forgive me if I repeat anything already said.
I can totally relate to what you are dealing with. My husband is terrible with money, always has been. We also have four kids, which is something to consider here, it is no small matter to uproot the lives of four other people.
Years ago, right after the third one was born, after much of the same as what you are dealing with, I took over ALL of the bill paying and money matters. It gave me some leverage and the trade off was the agreement that he does the taxes every year.
We also own a business together. I control all of the money there, too. His name is not on any of our accounts, personal or business. There's a lot more history here, but I soon discovered it was the price of admission with this marriage and business partnership, and to me, it was worth it.
There is only one way to approach this, take control or let it destroy your marriage. Deceit and worse could be in your future if this issue goes untended. The debt needs to stop happening. The taxes need to be paid. The mortgage needs to be paid. Other than that, you have some wiggle room, work with the creditors and the utilities. Look up Dave Ramsey and follow his program. Those things are the best pieces of advice I can offer.
You can overcome this, but you have to lower your expectations of what he can handle financially and he has to relinquish control for the good of the family. No hard feelings, move forward from here. That's the best I can offer you. I hope it at least gives you enough pause to think about communicating further with your husband.
Leave. Do it yesterday.
Several things come to mind. 1. Prayer. (This has saved me on many an occasion) 2. Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class $100. (This was the catalyst for our getting out of debt-best if you attend together-maybe the light bulb will go off if he hears it from someone else) 3. Counseling 4. You need to now handle all the money and he has to know that anything else happens like this and you will start divorce proceedings. It's a mess for sure but you can get out of it, you'll just need to handle all future financials. Not sure his age? This sounds like a very young man, if he's not, this is more serious than I thought. Love the idea below of getting regular credit reports until he earns your trust back! Best of luck to you and hang in there!!
Advice? call IRS and talk to a human. Explain the situation.Perhaps they will have you make payments. Only you can decide if you want to get a divorce. Forgive him emotionally and don't wait for the next bigger more expensive mess. It sounds like you have a high threshold for pain, so if there is a next time he say's he'sgot it-demand a copy of all paper work. Are you sure he isn't a gambler? it sounds like he has a lot of money problems that don't add up.No pun intended. On second thought, maybe you should just talk to a lawyer.
YIkes - what a mess.
So he's paid as an independent contractor and gets a 1099, so there's no chance of him filling out a W4 withholding form? If you forced him to do that, and if the employer did direct deposit (vs. giving him a paycheck), you would have some assurance. But he would have to give the employer permission to talk to you, and you'd need some sort of security that he couldn't go back in and change the form without your knowledge to put more money in the weekly check.
But if he lies to you? Whole 'nother issue. And his response is to threaten to cheat on you? This is, as Marda said, the action of a child. It's the adult version of "I'm gonna tell on you and you're gonna be in big trouble from someone else."
So, first things first. Talk to your accountant immediately about how to protect yourself and how to get control of the bills/accounts. You can receive and pay most if not all of your bills on line -then you don't have to worry about him "forgetting" to give you a bill or leaving it on the table in a pile. Or, worse, throwing it away because he doesn't want to deal with it. No more nagging him or making him promise to pay on line. He doesn't. He lies. He cannot be trus
You've taken away his credit cards, so you have to take away anything else he has - his debit card or any ability to cash his paycheck before he gets it home. You need to take the paycheck out of his hands.
Then you have to get into counseling - for yourself mostly. If you do decide to divorce, you have to have a plan for that, and a way to prepare yourself and the children. You have problems now getting the money - how much worse will it be if you are waiting on child support and you have 2 households to manage.
The other thing is, it's not all that hard for him right now. So if you sell your car, what happens? He does the grocery shopping and shleps the kids to activities (what little they can afford because it's all going to taxes)? Or better yet, he just goes without? That might wake him up that this stuff really matters - so far, you keep salvaging the situation. And he's probably counting on you making magic with this current crisis too. So what else has to happen to make this real for him and have him face consequences? No more beer or favorite snacks because there's no money? No more nights out or movies? He has to make and take his own lunch to work because there is no money to buy it? You put enough gas in HIS car for the week just to get him to work and back, and nothing else? If he's stranded somewhere, he has to call a friend to give him a ride because he has no spare cash because you've put him on a strict allowance? Sell his stuff to pay the taxes? What does he own that has value? You can sell clothing and poor tables and TVs and family heirlooms and his wedding ring and a whole bunch of other stuff. Okay. Those might get through, to some degree. And if it were me, I'd definitely be WAY to tired for any sex, especially for someone who has threatened to cheat on me. And if you think he's lying about that, you need to take precautions for your own health!
I think the only option you've presented that needs to be off the table is "forgive him and wait for the next big crisis."
So you have to do damage control first, and then think through the divorce - that may be your only option but he's not going to become more responsible right away when you have LESS control, know what I mean? I couldn't live with a liar, but I'd boot him out of the house and make him sleep on his mother's couch before I let him get an apartment and a social life with the money I needed for my kids, the house and the debts.
Good luck - please stop talking to him about ANYTHING. He doesn't listen, and he lies. Talk to someone who can actually help you. See if your doctor can recommend a counselor who accepts your medical insurance.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I can definitely understand why you are upset. It sounds like you can't trust your husband to be clear and honest with you. It's time for an intervention, which in my opinion, means going to seek therapy, as a couple. It sounds like he tells you what you want to hear kind of thing and then does what he is used to. Obviously, with a family, bills, and responsibilities, that's not going to work.
I don't necessarily think you need to uproot your family right this minute, but I do think you need to get in to see a therapist ASAP. His behavior needs to be further examined by a professional.
I'm not sure why he's threatening to cheat on you? That sounds like very strange behavior. I'm not sure why a spouse would treat their loved one like that?
Time for therapy. NOW.
You own your home and it was yours before the marriage - if anyone leaves it should be him.
Talk to a women s shelter and see what you have to do to legally evict him.
Make your plan and have it in place to get the divorce going.
I couldn't live with what you're living with.
Your marriage needs to end and he needs to go.
Google "how to evict spouse from home" - you'll get lots of advice.
You'll need to ask a lawyer who knows your local state laws - the women s shelter should be able to help you find one.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/216482-how-to-evict-a-h...
But...but...but...do you love him?
:(
You've already gotten a lot of thoughtful feedback, especially Marda's reply. The only thing I have to add is that I'm not sure you can afford NOT to see a counselor if you want to stay in this relation while also staying sane. See if there is a possibility of counseling through a local church, or a local women's shelter, or the YWCA, or if there is a counselor who will give you a discount for cash. A counselor still charges less per hour than a good divorce lawyer...
First of all this is not divorce worthy. Why people are so quick to say divorce is ridiculous. The obvious answer is that you take over all finances.
A lot of marriages have to do this for sanity, whether its the husband taking it over or the wife. I take over all finances in my home. We got a bank statement a few months ago and my husband saw the mail on the counter and asked "what's this Harris Bank envelope". I just shook my head and said it's our bank for the past 15 years.
It seems that your husband is making small strides; opening a joint account, relinquished all credit cards, he allows you to open all his mail, and he's apologetic. Can't you just understand he cannot handle finances? He knows you are better at it and wants/needs you to handle this part of your marriage. It truly is like this in most marriages.
I highly suggest you sign up for the Dave Ramsey class. It's a wonderful financial course and marriage counseling all rolled up in one and its super cheap. Once you buy the $100 class, you can go as many times as you want for life!! A lot of places have free child care too. My husband and I have taken the class twice, it was like a date night and we had so much fun. We also went to see Dave Ramsey live last night!
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First of all this is not divorce worthy. Why people are so quick to say divorce is ridiculous. The obvious answer is that you take over all finances.
A lot of marriages have to do this for sanity, whether its the husband taking it over or the wife. I take over all finances in my home. We got a bank statement a few months ago and my husband saw the mail on the counter and asked "what's this Harris Bank envelope". I just shook my head and said it's our bank for the past 15 years.
It seems that your husband is making small strides; opening a joint account, relinquished all credit cards, he allows you to open all his mail, and he's apologetic. Can't you just understand he cannot handle finances? He knows you are better at it and wants/needs you to handle this part of your marriage. It truly is like this in most marriages.
I highly suggest you sign up for the Dave Ramsey class. It's a wonderful financial course and marriage counseling all rolled up in one and its super cheap. Once you buy the $100 class, you can go as many times as you want for life!! A lot of places have free child care too. My husband and I have taken the class twice, it was like a date night and we had so much fun. We also went to see Dave Ramsey live last night!
I can feel your frustration through your post! I can't image how stressful this is for you. I can relate, though on a somewhat smaller scale. My husband has an amazing mind for business ideas and 'big picture' stuff. When it comes to the small details (ya know, like taxes and paperwork)- not so much. He has ADHD and can absolutely not focus on the small things- and as you know it's the small things that can take you down. As a result, we have made a lot of money, and lost a LOT of money. It's absolutely infuriating. And yes, I don't have full trust in him. Every new business opportunity I say I am only willing to support if he is not financially in charge of things, if there are solid contracts, he meets with accountants, etc. He always agrees, and always fails. I don't know if I think he's really lying to me, I think he believes he will be different that time. He just can't do it. And I don't think I'm making excuses for him, I think it's like asking me not to worry so much- it's just who I am.
We have almost divorced, and have gone to counseling. Things are better- I still don't trust that he can be counted on to keep our family secure. And he knows this. I've moved forward from so much of the anger- I can tell him that I believe in his ideas and his heart, but that I'd be stupid to think the next time will be different. I am in charge of all of our finances, but like you- I can't be as involved as I'd like in his independent business things. I can keep a running list of what he needs- taxes, contracts, etc. and hound him to do those things. And it sucks. So I'm not quite as flustered as you at this point, but I can say we haven't totally figured it out.
We are in our 40s, with a daughter a couple of years from college. So I have told him that he needs to make the current business work, and there are no more after there. It was one thing to lose $50K in our early 30s when he had time to recover. I do not plan to let him sabotage our retirement money or her college money. He has a 'regular' job working for a company, so it's not that he doesn't have a normal means of income. He is always just looking for the next big thing. Oh, and he has also convinced me to invest $10K in a friends business. He was planning to do it as a handshake deal because this guy is a friend. I said like hell, and wrote a contract myself. It's going to be a disaster and I've kissed that money goodbye. Wow, I hope our husbands never meet- they'll give each other terrible ideas. :-)
I only tell you my situation because I want you to know that you aren't alone. But also to tell you that it is possible to still love someone and have trouble trusting them- if you believe that aren't intentionally lying to you. We have made a lot of progress and are able to talk about things honestly. And sometimes I just have to say no. Like you, I have let things happen enough that he can't say I haven't been supportive. You have four kids and are getting closer to the age where it will be harder to recoup the lost money. I know you said counseling isn't affordable right now, but seriously- a divorce will cost SO much more. You need to find SOMEONE to talk to where you can draw your line in the sand. You can maybe understand how his brain is working and find a way to work together to overcome the hurdles. And at the very least, let him know that you have boundaries and won't stay on a sinking ship with him. Good luck, and please let us know what happens.
