Feeling Stuck ... - Stockbridge,GA

Updated on August 26, 2017
B.W. asks from Stockbridge, GA
7 answers

Dear all,
I feel struck in this moment of my life, I have arrived at a crossroads and I don’t know where to go from here. I am 32 and have a 6 yo boy. My marriage is nothing I expected to be. We have been married for almost 6 years now, but together for 10 years. My dh is and has always been very controlling, impulsive and childish. I loved him very much as he was my first man. Looking back, my lack of experience and love for him really stopped me to see what he was really like. Soon after we got married during a fight he slapped me. I was in shock. I forgave him because I found all kind of excuses for him and blamed myself. After the child was born, things really got uglier and uglier. More fights, name calling, yelling, breaking objects…
I can honestly say that I don’t recognize the man I am sharing my life with. And when I look in the mirror I cannot recognize myself anymore as I feel I have to word to say in this marriage. Everything has to be his way. I have to obey and listen to him otherwise he uses threats, starts fights, name calling until I give in and do as he says. And lately there has always been something he complains about (dinner is not ready, house is not clean, I spend to much money, sex is not enough or as he wants it). I am so tired, sad and angry about this constant criticism. We both work full time, but he doesn’t help at all. When he is home he is always on his laptop playing, or as he says “working” and I am left with all the work. I tried to talk to him, to tell him that I cannot do everything in the house. It is as if I am talking with a wall. I really got the feeling he doesn’t give a d…about our family. My needs are not important, I am always put down, yelled at or ignored. Sexually, is only when he wants it, how he wants it with no foreplay (not even a kiss). Financially, we are struggling as he wants to be in charge of all our finances.
Depending on his mood he either gives me the silent treatment for days (he is not even answering basic questions like: “what do you want to eat for dinner, would you take the kid to/from”). I am left standing there as if I am invisible and it hurts so much. This is his “good” mood. When he is in a bad mood ( like 3 days out of 4) hell breaks loose: he starts fights and he becomes violent: he shoves me, slaps me or break objects (phone, sunglasses, clothes, everything that is mine and it is near him). He asks me to “get out “of his house. I usually have to leave as he scares me and I go to my mother. The next day he calls me and asks me if I forgot I have a husband that needs been taking care of….how crazy does this sound? I have left the house like 12-15 times during our marriage and always returned. At the beginning he said he was sorry and he missed me, but now, he only threatens me.
I started emotionally eating because of his attitude. I just feel nothing I say or do is ever good enough for him. He calls me “fat” and “ugly” as my second name…I am really at my breaking point. I feel like I have become his doormat and I have no self-esteem. I know my boy is suffering from all of this but I don’t feel strong enough to file for divorce. It is so hard to change the life I have been used to, to leave the house, the dog, to fight him in the court for custody. He has threaten to come to my work place, to destroy me, so it with will be a war and I don’t know I am going to cope with it all. I know him, he will most likely try to manipulate me to come back, he starts crying, acting as the victim and this has always worked with me.
Please tell me what should you do in my case, I feel so lonely and depressed.
Thank you!

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More Answers

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

The first step is to acknowledge that there are some serious issues and you have done that.

You seriously need some counseling for yourself and your child. You CAN come out of this stronger but it will take work on your part and support from family, counselor, etc.

I have not been in your shoes but this is a way of life that I personally would not accept. Call your women's shelter. They can guide you, help you find a place to live and give you contacts for legal help.

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you do seek help. If nothing else motivates you...... keep in mind that the way you are living is setting an example for how your son will treat his wife someday. Do it for you and do it for your son.

7 moms found this helpful
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M.6.

answers from New York on

There are no victims - only volunteers. Stop volunteering to allow him to hurt you. Women with FAR more obstacles than yours have left their abusive husbands. You know what to do, do it. There is enough information out there on the internet to get you started. The only thing stopping you is you.

3 moms found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from Portland on

Hi B.

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful to have to live like this, and be in a mom in this kind of environment. You deserve a home, to be free from torment, to be supported (not attacked) and so does your son.

Divorce really is the only option. If he would accept he needs help and would go and get it - that's one thing, but does not sound like that will happen.

The only thing you can change here is you. Others will have the links to resources you need to reach out to.

Know that you deserve better. You may not get that right now, but you do. Reach out to your family and ask for help. Reach out to your friends and ask for help. Look after you. You are looking after him at this point, and it's not the right thing to do in this case. Take care of you - so that you can take care of your son.

Best to you - you have the strength to make things better. Don't sell yourself short. If you can put up with this, you can take the steps to make life better - just taking that first step will give you the courage and motivation to keep going. Positive steps may seem daunting but they are positive. Your life will change.

Added: Totally agree with getting yourself some counselling. When I was at a low, I saw a counsellor and felt supported and validated. It was incredible. Also, I agree with not worrying about divorce right now - take steps to help yourself and your son right now. One step at a time. Dianne had the link - call and they can help you. You're not the first one to go through this and you did nothing to cause this.

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B.A.

answers from Tallahassee on

As my mother always told me, you know how men are before you date or marry. You had knowledge of how he was, and it seems as if marriage brought out the evilness because he feels as if you aren't going anywhere. Take care of your health and your child. Reinvent who you are

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

Contact your local domestic violence help line, they can connect you with resources and information to help you leave safely.

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L.C.

answers from San Francisco on

Find the resources you need and leave the situation. Do not become tied to it and everything will be okay. Stop letting him do all this as you have a job and you have the ability to support yourself. Things will be difficult but it will all work out.

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A.S.

answers from Orlando on

B. - This sounds like my dad, my childhood, my life. My dad was acted in the same manor, as your husband, towards my mom. My dad also treated me Awfully!

How is your husband treating your son?
Do you want your son to have these as the memories of his childhood.
I know that you want the best for your child, as I do for my own ... the simple thing is that you have to Uniate that change!

Find a counselor because this is going to be bad and you will need help. Hugs and Goid Luck!

Updated

B. - This sounds like my dad, my childhood, my life. My dad was acted in the same manor, as your husband, towards my mom. My dad also treated me Awfully!

How is your husband treating your son?
Do you want your son to have these as the memories of his childhood.
I know that you want the best for your child, as I do for my own ... the simple thing is that you have to Uniate that change!

Find a counselor because this is going to be bad and you will need help. Hugs and Goid Luck!

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