Feeling Really Disconnected

Maybe you should go to a counselor for yourself. You may need to look inward and see why you feel this way. It may be that what he has done has destroyed part of your feelings for him. It may be you still need something more to rekindle the love.
Marriages have survived this and thrived, but it's not easy. It takes work, and it takes time. Find out what YOU need.

A part of you has shut-down. A defense mechanism to being hurt. Thus, you feel detached/disconnected from him.
You were hurt a great deal.
But, "healing" is possible... but takes work. But each person is different....
are you both still going to counseling?
How is he now? Is the "trust" returned to the relationship?
Does your Husband do anything to assure you? Has he changed for the better? Were his problems/issues resolved?

It is common, that when a person was hurt deeply.. they shut-down or shut-off a part of themselves, because they don't want to get hurt again... and it is too risky to "feel" again. This is probably what you are going through.

Are you still going to counseling/Therapy? In a sense you may still be "grieving" what was, and what was destroyed by your Husband's affair... since this was "another affair" of his... that he did TO you. And you are left not knowing... if it will happen again.
It would probably be best, if you continue counseling... for yourself... not just in relation to your Husband... but so you can feel "whole" again... for your own well-being.

Next, have you openly "vented" your feelings and got out all the feelings/hurts you had about the affairs? Unless a person expels their pent up emotions... it often just gets pushed aside. Thus, their real feelings and hurt feelings are still there... but causing a blockage in your healing. Your emotional healing. Sort of like ignoring feelings, because you don't want to hurt inside. At some point, you need to get out your feelings... and just express it. TO purge it. Otherwise, you will just be numb inside to your emotions.

What is your relationship now with him? Just going through the motions? But not feeling it? Not having any meaning? How is your Husband dealing with it and you? Since you are the one he hurt? He can't just go about acting fine and dandy... he too has to recognize what he did wrong... and to "own" it.... and thus have remorse. Does he?
If not, maybe you still feel jilted and hurt... by his affairs.

The bottom line is trust as well....

I would think, that Therapy is still essential for BOTH of you still. It is not resolved.

And since he had affairs... I would make him go to the Doctor to check for STD's... and maybe you should check yourself too.

just some ideas,
all the best,
Susan

By loving him as a friend and father, do you mean that you're no longer wanting a sexual relationship with him?

Personally, the struggle here would often seem to be trust. It is hard enough to trust the first time, that regaining it presents a real challenge. Do you trust him with your vulnerabilities?

In most of my experience, aside from some magical disney chemicals which fade quickly, most of love is an action rather than a feeling. Waiting for it to come around will probably not work. If this is a person you value enough to want to get that connection back with, for whatever your own reasons, it will take you deciding to take leaps of faith with yourself and your vulnerabilities, and trust that he will be there to catch on the other side of the rift. You have to choose to trust again with your body and your heart and your fears, even though he probably doesn't deserve it, if you want to get back to that sort of feeling and relationship with him.

I am not, btw, saying you should, necessarily, just that I don't believe that you can get back to sexual closeness through talking in therapy. At some point, if that is the goal, you need to trust him with that intimacy to build intimacy with him again.

Personally I would have a very hard time, but then I structure my relationships as open relationships where the one rule is that you do not lie to me, which "cheating" is really a form of, since they're allowed to have sex outside our relationship as long as they're honest about it. So for me, getting past having been lied to would be unlikely to happen. But if for some reason I was trying to do so, and build intimacy again, I understand it to be something that takes action at least as much as words. It takes deliberate trust again, even when that's scary and they haven't proven trustworthy in the past.

I don't know your feelings about monogamy, but it is possible that considering poly for both of you would be one path toward less pain. For some it might just be more painful. So it depends on you, but if you want that closeness with him, you may have to decide to create it even though you have reason to doubt his success as monogamy in the future.

You have to decide what you value most. Him, a sexual relationship with him, trusting him, etc. There are many outside the box answers, but all of them take action on your part if you want it to change.

I've not been in the situation but if you are trying to keep your marriage together....I suggest regular date nights when you renew and get to know each other again....rebuild the relationship... IF you want to stay in the marriage.

I can imagine you are hurt, don't trust him and he has to feel a disconnect as well.

If you are both willing, I would certainly make date night a priority. We made date night a priority back when i was pregnant 16 yrs ago. We have only missed a date night if one of us or our daughter was sick.

Make it a priority......you don't have to spend a lot of money on date nights. Yes, we typcally spent $60-$80 on a sitter BEFORE we ever went out. Sometimes I just tagged along on a round of golf, sometimes we just shopped, other times we have great dinners, fine wines and danced, etc.

Good luck to you.

Am I the only one who thinks there is a time and place for divorce?? Not to be a downer, but if hes cheated (that your aware of) twice, what is to stop him in the future? In my first marriage we both agreed that cheating would be the one thing that would cause divorce, NOT tolerated! And it was cheating that caused the divorce after 11 years. Ive been with my husband for almost twenty years now, and will be the rest of my life hopefully.. when we first began to get serious we entered the same agreement...I can forgive a lot of things, but giving your body to someone else is not one of them. even biblically it is the one grounds for divorce. If a man or woman is committed, what would even let them THINK about betrayal. Of course you have to think of your children, but do you really want your kids to think that is how marriage works, you can cheat etc and still remain together? Do you want your son to think its normal, or ok to cheat on his wife..or daughter to think its ok if her spouse cheats? Or maybe see what a strong mother looks like by taking on the struggles of a divorce to set a good example for her future generations...What ever road you choose, take it easy on yourself and look for a good counselor, Good luck!!

Yes. I forgave him. I just emptied my heart of the pain and filled it up again with the love and admiration I had for him. Women cheat because they want a new man. Men cheat because they are afraid of death and run from it with sexual energy. They do not cheat because they don't love you or want to get out of a relationship. They just see someone and go for it.
One of my long time friends told me it took her 12 years to truly trust her husband again. I decided I didn't have the time to waste on looking at every other woman as if she was a threat.
My husband was very handsome and dynamic. Everyone liked him. I watched women throw themselves at him. I noticed that he did not react or bite the bait. He had committed himself to our marriage again.

Hmmm....I believe the only reason you have not been able to rebound, has a lot to do with learning to truly forgive - if you really want to move forward with that person that is. If that person is worth is - and only you can determine if that person is worth it - then "truly" forgive him and the pain will go away. Forgiving and forgeting are two different things. You can forgive but not forget. As for re-connecting perhaps you can help that by finding something that you two do in common regularly - anything at all. Anything such as taking dancing classes together once or twice a week, jogging together, a game of dominoes, go on a smoothie diet together, build or repair something together, cooking together one night a week (he makes the salad you make the chicken but together in the kitchen at the same time)...anything at all, as long as you are doing something together on a regular basis. Well good luck to you!

You mentioned that you love him as a friend but the reason you are closing yourself off from him is because you know that friends don't betray each other repeatedly. How can you be close to someone who could destroy your world again at any moment. Some things aren't worth saving. Good luck with whatever path you choose, get counseling for yourself away from him.

Hi!
I know this is coming in late but I wanted to offer my support. Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 20th. At year 10 our marriage fell apart. My husband had an affair. It took at least a couple years to heal and as you know there is always two sides to the story. We were such good friends and hung in there and eventually came out on the other side. It will take time. We now are stronger than ever. We were childless before and now have two active boys 9& 7 that came to us 7/05. We adopted 8-8-08.
Take care,
P. C.