Feeling Lost - Woodside,NY

My kids are in their late 20's and early 30's and I can tell you that I still feel like I should know what I'm doing by now. Most of the time I was just winging it with the hope that I didn't screw up too badly. That's the best we can hope for sometimes.

I remember when they were babies and I was a total newbie, I would think (when they actually napped or did something they were *supposed* to do) "Wow, I am actually not half bad at this". And then they would go have a growth spurt or ear infection or whatever ... and it would turn upside down, and I'd think .. ok, no, I'm not super mom, I am just human...

The more kids I had, the more I realized perfection is not the goal ... it's more do my kids know I love them? Are they feeling secure? Are they strong enough to be able to handle what life throws at them? And if they stumble, will I make time to just listen, and hopefully guide them so that they can try again ...

I get what you are saying. But this whole perfect business is for the birds.

I had an email from school today that made me think "I am world's worst mother ... why do I get these emails..." and then I sat with my kid (once I had calmed down) and we had the best talk ever. I finally got what this phase is about that I've half dreaded. I can remember being this age. I could relate!!! And I thought. ..I need to listen more.

I hear you. I think parenting these days is so weirdly competitive and all about being perfect, but I think it's better to be real. That's why I like this site. I find people are more honest ... our kids are not perfect, and neither are we :)

As an adult I tried to make my life perfect by trying to control myself and others. I was very upset when my first serious boyfriend broke up with me. I started therapy and continued with it off and on my whole life. I was mostly anxious with bouts of depression when I felt I'd failed.

Once the newer medications came out for anxiety and depression I took them Periodically. What a relief! I could let go of needing to control much of the time. And I could recognize when I was trying to control.

It took me years to understand that my effort to control was making my life difficult. Now as an "old lady" looking back on my life I can review situations and see how trying to control things was part of the reasons that I had many difficulties in life.

I'm still having difficulty not trying to control my daughter and grandchilden because they are having negative life changing events. I went back to counseling and learning how to let go of trying to control.

I urge you to start counseling to learn why you need to control. For me the cause was my chaotic childhood. Counseling will give you tools to use so that you can back off from controlLing your daughter. I suggest trying an anti - anxiety medication.

I also suggest learning new ways to manage your daughter will reduce the amount of difficulty you have with your daughter. I also suggest Love and Logic.And How to Talk so Children Will Listen.

I should feel that way. My mom died when I was 9. However, when I was about 4, she told me she would never see me grow up and she didn't.

But what she did prior to her death is she taught me how to survive in a world of change. I didn't know it at the time. She made me an independent individual able to care for myself without the constant help of others and other family members. I didn't see at the nor did I realize it until later in life when I had to care for family on my own without the help of others. Yes, there were ups and downs and all the emotions in between but I learned something from them all including delayed gratification.

You bring to parenting all that you know learn from your parents and the outside world. You try to do the best that you can be with what you learned and how you experienced certain situations. Each one of us has had experiences that the others on this site have not but yet, we have a common thread of how to cope and to deal with what happened to each of us.

Control is not the way to go. The only control you have is over yourself and no one else. The same goes for happiness - you are the only one who can make you happy.

You have a long way to go with teaching, guiding, supporting and instilling your morals in your child. She will be with you for the next 13 years. So do make a plan and be firm but gentle with her. Let he fall down and experience the consequences of not having something done. Let her learn how her friends treat her so that she can be nicer the next time. Let her feel the pain of the boyfriend who breaks up with her so that she can understand that life goes in different directions at any given time. Let her learn that she didn't get the part not because she wasn't good enough but someone else had a quality that the production play was looking for. Let her be confident and happy in her own skin to know that she all she needs to be. Know that you did all this and sent a self-sufficient person out into the world to cope and deal with all that is going on at the moment.

I know a lot but you can't be everything to everyone all the time. Seek out counseling. Seek out hobbies for you. Seek out a college class so that you have something to do for you. Take a break and take a walk outside and enjoy the fresh air and sit on a park bench and let the world go by and charge your inner batteries.

I wish you peace and contentment.

the other S.

PS Don't sweat the small stuff. The teen years are a few years away but the tween years will be here in about three.

Ditch the idea of control and perfect.

There is no such thing as perfect. And control is not the way you handle life. We manage life as best we can, and our job as parents is to love our kids and teach them how to live in the world. It is NOT to control them, or the world.

The only things kids need are food, shelter, love, and respect. I highly recommend the Love and Logic book for the early years. If they have classes in your area (check their website), I recommend them.

And if you can't get out of the funk and the perfection thing is more an anxiety coping mechanism, talk to your doctor just to be safe. Depression and anxiety are common but treatable.

We all feel that way at some point. The thing to do is realize that control is overrated. So is perfection. If we raise our kids to have a perfect life (whatever that means), then they are only experiencing a small percentage of human emotion. They can't deal with disappointment, with deferred gratification, with earning something of value. They want it all, right now, given to them. That's normal for an immature child. But our job is not to provide that nor is it to shield them from frustration, anger or disappointment. One could argue that no one appreciates joy without also knowing sadness, security without appreciating the lack of it, or accomplishment without failure. So your job is really to teach your child to be content, not to be exhilarated. Let her experience the full range of human emotions so that she is a complete adult someday, able to handle what crosses her path when you aren't there to shield her from every negative.

If you have unrealistic goals for her, you will put unrealistic and impossible pressure son yourself, creating anxiety about failure. You have to redefine what it means to be successful (as a parent, as a child, as an employee, as half of a partnership) so that your child can withstand disappointment, rejection, a break up, a reprimand, a job loss, a college rejection, and mistake.

And you're right - kids don't come with a manual. But you didn't either, and your parents just did the best they could. Which is what you're doing. It's okay. We're all in the same boat.

As I grew up, everything I did was critiqued by my mother. I strove to be perfect. I wasn't happy. Don't do that to your child by demanding it of yourself. Let her, and yourself, have some fun! We don't always have to color inside the lines or build the Lego castle exactly the way it appears on the box. We just have to get a chance to really live!

A lot of excellent responses below. As a parent of a teenager, I just want to add one aspect to the advice you've already received: When she starts school (even if she's in K now), one truly great way to start to find peace with your own imperfections and to let go of control is to get to know other parents of her classmates. By making some good friends among other moms of my child's peers, I found that I wasn't alone in feeling like "I should have this down by now and I don't." You are getting some of that via this site but I think it's important to have some friends and acquaintances who are your own peers you know in person, with whom you can share stories about your kids and your days and hear about theirs. Sure, there will be some moms who are Just Perfect, but most will be like you -- I want the best for my kid, but then this happened....Sharing those things really puts your child and your relationship into perspective.

If your daughter is in preschool, get to know some of the other parents there; if in K, it's especially useful to get to know parents, because you likely will be around those families for years to come, and if you can find some real, adult friends among them, that's going to help you. Just having kids in the same grade does not make two parents into friends, but if you find some moms with whom you have other things in common, it can help to say to them what you said to us here.

One other thing, regarding perfection and control: Sit down and consider well whether you also seek out perfection and control in other aspects of your life-- not just with your child but in other regards. Does the house have to be "just so" or you get into a funk or feel a bit angry that it's not perfect? Do you expect yourself to make things perfect for your husband so things are always ideal for him when he walks through the door? Are there other areas (work, adult friendships, relationships with your parents/siblings, your own appearance, etc.) where you find if hard to adapt to any changes, and/or you "lose it" if you lack control? I would really consider if your need for control with your daughter is part of a larger pattern that could benefit from some counseling. If you maintain an "I need control and perfection or I lose it" personality as your child gets older, whether you mean to or not, you will drive a wedge between yourself and her, and possibly between yourself and others in your life. Just something to think about objectively.

You already DO recognize that a need for control and difficulty adapting to change are problems for you -- that recognition is very, very positive and important so credit yourself for that. Now, you need to get beyond recognizing the problems and working to get past them, and that may take someone who is objective and professional. It never hurts to just talk through things with someone--a counselor for the big picture stuff, and parent friends for the day to day "I'm in a funk because..." stuff.

First, please don't try to make everything perfect for your daughter. That HURTS her. Dealing with setbacks, challenges, disappointment, loss, pain, etc....these are important life skills that she needs! Like love and shelter and vitamins, the yucky stuff is equally important to her health and growth.
Second, you DON'T have control, no one does. Sure you have control over where she goes, who she associates with, what she eats and wears, etc. But you don't have control in a million other ways (disaster, disease, freak accidents to name a few.) The sooner you are able to accept that the happier you will be.
Finally, you are right, to be a parent you are constantly in a state of change. You can't parent a five year old in the same way you parent a toddler or a fifteen year old, it just doesn't work this way. As your child changes and develops so should you. And it's EXHAUSTING. It's not for the weak :-(

Great response from Margie. Yes, most moms feel this way. But there's no such thing as perfect and you have much less control than you think. And I've been doing this parenting thing for 1/4 century, and I think now that my kids are grown, I've finally got it down.

I don't know what you mean by "losing it," but if you are losing it on your child, that's one of the most ineffective things you can do. Relax. It doesn't have to be perfect. In hindsight you will know that most of the things you stressed over weren't important.

I posted this recently in response to a question about regrets, and this is what I would do differently if I could do it over again:

"If I could do it again, I would hold you tighter, listen longer and speak more softly."

Do those things, and don't overly micromanage your child -- allow him/her to make mistakes and endure disappointments -- and you will be doing really well.

Why do we need to feel like "supermom?!" In my humble opinion, we, as moms, put too much pressure on ourselves and those around us with these expectations. We (you, me, and everyone) need to cut it out!

We don't own our kids. They are their own little people, with their own minds. Our job is to teach them how to cope in this crazy world. If we are always trying to have control over their actions, they will never learn to do things themselves and to cope appropriately with life.

Try letting go some. Every child is different. I have 3 kids and I understand that some children do need a little extra hands-on approach. I'm not judging your specific situation, but I'm just saying, if you're feeling tense and overwhelmed, you are probably doing too much. Parenting is not easy, but you also don't need to feel "in control" all of the time.

Do you work outside of the home? Have friends and hobbies to enjoy? I suggest putting some of the energy that you spend on needing to be in control into other things. Find fulfillment in other parts of your life.

Stop trying to make everything perfect for your child. Life isn't perfect. You are making yourself your own worst enemy.

STOP!!!!

I've got a 29 year old, 15 and 13 year old - each are different and unique. Do I lose it? Yep. But that's life. There is no perfect parent and there's no perfect kid and no perfect life.

So stop TRYING to make it perfect for her. Keep it real and love her unconditionally. Be the person you want her to be.

How sad. No, I don't feel like this. I know I make mistakes, so does my husband and kids. I don't try to make life perfect for my kids. If you do, that is just setting them up for heartache and failure when they are older and have to make their own decisions for their life. Let go of the things that are not a big deal and don't stress so much. Google "Living Simple" and read some articles. Life can be sooooo much easier if we just let it. Good luck.

I used to want things to be perfect too. When they're so young they're so helpless and I feel it was my choice to bring them into this world. So I'd better make it nice! They didn't ask to be born. But as they get older, it gets easier to let go of wanting things to be perfect bc you realize after a certain age, you're really making life harder on them in the long run. You can't keep things perfect forever of course and overcoming hardships makes people stronger and gives them a feeling of accomplishment. And a shy child needs to be tested a little sometimes to give them confidence. A naturally bossy child needs other kids to teach them a lesson sometimes. So since our kids aren't perfect themselves, life lessons can help them in the long run. Fortunately I kind of came to that as they started growing up. You likely will too. 5 is still very young but in a year or two I bet you'll let go of this bc wanting the best for your kids includes letting them make mistakes so they learn from them and carry those lessons much better than just us telling them. If you have anther child, that child will need different things so there is not one right. But it'll evolve. Don't worry.

Why does everything need to be "perfect" for her? I have 4 boys, and NOTHING is "perfect" for them. This is life. You are setting her up for failure and huge disappointment.

Why do you have to have control? Why can't she think for herself and examine the world around her and learn?

I know I had my bubble of perfection popped when my oldest son got in trouble with the law. Tyler and I thought it was just him being a teen. It opened our eyes and got us the help we needed.

If she's 5 acting like she's 15? She's rebelling from your rules already most likely and pushing her boundaries that you have her tightly held to so you can keep control. You'll have a mess on your hands if you don't loosen up.

I can relate. I had a realization one day- "this parenting thing will ALWAYS be new because my oldest just keeps entering new stages I have no previous experience with!!!" It's a little scary. I do get the "supermom pro" effect with my younger ones though. Stuff that stressed me out with my first seems totally manageable with #2 and #3. I had a hard time with my daughter when she was 4 and I felt our relationship was full of conflict. I was so depressed about it! Now I am at that stage with my 2nd daughter and it feels much less worrisome because I know it is just a testing period and it passes.

Giving up control is one of the hardest parts of parenting for me. I am definitely in favor of rules, schedules, plans, stability, and predictability. I've always thought of my penchant toward these concepts as a very positive part of my personality. And then... motherhood. On the one had, kids themselves thrive on structure. On the other hand you never know what kids-related chaos is going to come your way to throw a wrench in your plans!

well, i never had any illusions about perfection, and never thought i could control everything (although in retrospect i can certainly see more controlling behavior than i thought i exhibited at at the time!)
but yes, i felt inadequate a lot. i probably was<G>.
but i do think it's good to be aware that tight control is an issue for you, and to find ways not to 'lose it' when you lose it. follow your husband's lead!
khairete
S.

Just when you recognize a pattern of behavior it will change. Nap schedules, moods, age stages, etc. Perhaps a book about behavioral norms by age might help you? Then you will have some warning about what might be to come. I think you should pat yourself on the back for recognizing that there are different personality types and that one is not superior to the other. I am fairly rigid but it comes with fabulous organizing abilities although I also prefer predictability and control. My husband is laid back which comes with creativity but also with inability to get the things on his "to do" list done in the time he said he would. You can learn to be less controlling, perhaps with therapy or yoga self help books. But the hardest step is one you already took and that is recognizing there is something to work on.

You do always have control. Maybe not over every little thing your daughter does, but over the big picture.

Kids ebb and flow and push the envelope. They have nice phases and not so nice phases. I'm a single mom of three. My youngest (and most difficult by far) is your daughter's age. I'm a calm, loving person and a firm disciplinarian, so my 3 are USUALLY very good. But then, usually in conjunction with me slacking because other aspects of my life need focus and i can't be 100% on my parenting game 24/7, they'll start acting like nightmares. It's usually gradual as they feel me out for how far they can go, and then when they're "out of control" I'm like, "WOAH, boot camp!!!! One calm warning and then FIRM consequences for anyone who does not heed that ONE WARNING until you guys get back into your nice, normal, respectful, privileged, happy little lives!!"

I may feel out of control in those MOMENTS (or days or weeks depending on my own effectiveness) where the kids are going against everything they ever learned. But I can ALWAYS see what led to it on my own behalf. And I have faith in the big picture and reining things back in. All kids push boundaries to the max. It's their job. Some push the boundaries with extreme force. Regardless of the child's personality, it's your job to set the boundaries. All parents have a very hard time sometimes. Some kids are EXTREMELY difficult. Most kids are very difficult. A few kids are easy.

You don't say specifically how your child is shaking your faith in yourself so much.

If it's regular, old, little kid difficult behavior stuff, the book "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson is great to keep a calm, loving home.

And even if you're doing great, things will never be perfect. So let that go and make sure you love parenting in every phase, even the chaotic ones, because your child thrives in knowing you are happy to be a mom.