I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend Nick for 7 years. When we met I had a son of my own and was attending college. We now have two boys together. I am a nurse and have worked for the past 6 yrs of our relationship. He has had jobs on and off, but I make more money and we realized it we were actually saving money if he stayed home and watched the boys. I was working 3:30pm- midnight. Sometimes with mandatory overtime; therefore it was 40+ hours. When i would come home he would leave, or sleep in saying that I need to spend quality time with the kids because I was working all the time. Well I recently quit my job because I wanted to spend more time with my kids, and try to find a day shift position. I almost ended our relationship a few months ago because I didn't feel like he was contributing, and he would leave to go fishing and not come back in time for me to get to work on time. I would go in late or call in. He was very rarely cleaning and left all the responsibility to me when I was
home. So I told him to leave. He left for about a week, then came back and told me he loved me and was willing to change. He
did a lot of changing, so as a compromise I quit a state job I had for 4 yrs. I am not regretting leaving it but my attendance was not
the greatest and I put a lot of the blame on him. I just wish I could have stayed a little longer to fix the attendance problem. So
since I've been off of work I have been taking care of the children exclusively. He goes fishing, and golfing. I am not able to go
grocery shopping without taking my kids with me. I have the responsibility of a single parent. Sometimes I feel like he is my
teenage son. I had my oldest son when I was 18 so I grew up very fast, Nick is two years younger than me, and still very
immature. I have complained to him that I need time away but he always says well we just went here or there together(as a
family). I am looming to go somewhere alone. He suggested we get a sitter and go to the movies, which would be nice, but was
not the point. He brings up the fact that I went to a friends house a few nights ago for 2 hrs after the boys went to sleep, but he
had been gone all day, and did not have to deal with the kids. They were asleep. I recently posted about my youngest son who
has behaviors and tantrums. One of his problems is he wants his father. While I was working they developed an amazing
relationship, and he is a daddys boy. He had his behaviors before, but they are worse, and I find myself dealing with them alone.
He is always out and about, and not only is he leaving me with the kids but he takes my car. So if we want to go anywhere we' re
walking. He always comes up with excuses why I should take the kids like, well she has kids and the boys love playing with them.
A lot of time I go to my friends with kids and they're with their father or grandma somewhere. I am so frustrated, and it's
depressing me. I'm not sure what to do. He also uses that as an excuse. I'm confused or crazy because I don't take my
medication for depression. He manipulates and makes me believe that I don't know what I'm talking about. I love him and want
things to work out but want time to myself. Please. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please no comments about how
stupid I am. I hear it enough from my family.
EDIT: I am not against marriage. He actually gave me a ring that he got with his financial aid money, and asked me to marry him. I told him i wouldn't marry him unless he proved himself. I told him I would put his ring on in three months if I really believed he made a change. Well three months came and went. Things didn't go down hill until I put the ring on. He also wanted to go to couples counseling, but we went to one visit and I didn't think he took it seriously. So I haven't been very adament about it. I love him, and I know he loves me but Im being taken for granted.
You are doing it all anyway.
You say you love him... do you love him the person or the idea of him.
I'd say ditch him and find someone who appreciates you for you.
LBC
Ahh, you already nailed it on the head, he's two years younger than you and as we women all now it takes alot longer for men to mature. Usually most men don't get it untill around 30 or so. That said you are NOT stupid just like most women you want what you have to work. However why should he grow up if your going to keep cleaning up and providing for him and not too mention all the other freebies he's getting. Stop and think is this the way you want your sons to act when they become men? Can you imagine getting old with him? If you answered no to either question, then it's time for you to make some serious changes maybe if you force his hand, kick him out make him pay some child support and not for just a week or month but make him see what he has to lose he may just own up. And who knows you may find yourself happier with him gone. I know of what I'm saying because your man sounds like mine use to. I did this and after 4 months I he got it. We've been married 23 years now (28 total years together) and he's one of the best dad's and husbands ever. Good luck and stick to your guns.
You are so stupid!!! JOKING!!! Not at all. You know what? you just haven't embraced your power yet. I had a similar relationship to this when I was your age. I know some other young moms in similar situations with younger men. Because YOU are tough, and YOU have job experience and hard work under YOUR belt, You think he can change and get some ethics and strength of character like you just because he should.
MEANWHILE, you cannot change someone, and guess what? He's getting away with all this. When all is said and done, he does what he wants, and leaves you holding the bag, and still has the relationship, and the kids, and everything just how he wants it. Even if he feels like making you feel guilty and using your car. And not earning his share. Girl. It's got to stop, and he has no reason to make it stop. You being sad or disappointed about it will never have an effect. He is setting a terrible example to the kids, even diminishing your strength as a role model,and eroding your confidence, taking your happy youth away, and you are letting him.
You need to sit with yourself and figure out exactly how you would like things to be in a situation that would be fair and logical, and the balls to make an ultimatum. Lay it out for him. Mean it. That cant' happen until you feel strong enough to ditch him for good. As long as you're willing to stay in it, he'll keep it up.
Not until I got to the point where I really loved and understood myself was I able to look at my past relationship like, "WHAT IN THE WORLD?! This is SO not ahppeneing anymore!" was I able to walk away from it. 7 years down the drain. He never changed. He drove the next girlfriend into the ground the exact same ways. I'm with someone now who would never act that way all because I would never tolerate any of that, so those types didn't even come around the next time.
Having kids makes this very tough. I really hope you can find your strength and move forward demanding the respect you deserve for yourself and the kids, even if he becomes a memory, or the dad they see only sometimes. Sounds like he's that way now. The fact that he came back when you kicked him out before leads me to believe there is hope. Just don't let him back in to trample you. You want time to yourself. Kick him out again, and have stern rules for coming back. Good luck it's all easier said than done, but not impossible!
ps having the unsupportive family only contributes to you trying to prove yourself by carrying the weight of the world for people. Don't listen to them!
Are you against marriage? I ask this because seven years and two kids, but no commitment, seems like something is wrong there...Your description of his behavior sounds like he is not "all in".
He's either a partner and parent, with equal responsibility, or he is a boyfriend with a convenient relationship with someone who does most of the work, so he can have fun. (the benefits of a family without the responsibility of a family)
Sounds like he needs to make up his mind what kind of life he wants---he can't have it both ways.
What if something happened to you? What would happen to the kids? Would he be able to handle them alone? Would he be able to support them and raise them?
There needs to be some commitment, some responsibility.
If you feel the relationship is worth saving try couples/marriage counseling. This is what I did with my husband a few years ago; I made sure to find a male counselor so that he would feel okay to freely open up to get to the root of the problem. In the end it was a self asteem thing; you know the man should be able to provide for his family in order to hold his head up high...etc. we worked through alot and came out stronger than ever. He made a career switch years ago and is happier. Now i'm a stay-at-home-mom and love it.
So try couples/marriage counseling- don't pressure him, let him know how much he means to you, the kids, and the over all relationship. Then express kindly how you want the two of you to go see a counselor as a safe place to discuss your relationship. How counselors don't breakup couples but help. Be sure to have the name of a counselor available, hours, days etc. and have a babysitter in place. Hey if you loves you; he'll do it. Whatever you hear during your sessions its up to you two to work through the issues to improve upon the relationship or you can choose to move on without him.
In the end you must figure out what is best for your sanity and the kids. Is having a mom and dad constantly fighting good for the kids? is it fair for you to suffer the loneliness and manipulation of another to the point where you can't perform or function as an individual or even as a mom? Do you feel the relationship is worth saving? If not, could you survive alone or do you have a good support system in place?
I am sorry you are going through such a stressful situation. I hope that everything works how you want it too. Just remember, you are a strong woman and mother. We as women never go wrong when we follow our instinct. Blessings to you.
Reread your post. What would you tell your best friend? I think you would tell her to hire a babysitter, get a good job and lose the boyfriend.
Take care of yourself and get out.
Wow you really have it together. You should feel so proud of yourself to have finished your education after having a child at 18 then landing an awesome job to be able to support yourself, 3 kids & a BF, all by yourself. Now that you have successfully accomplished all that, you just need to find a new Man that has the same values & ambition that you have. Don't be afraid you are already doing it all on your own & re-read your last line "I'm being taken for granted". Best wishes
Dysfunctional love doesn't equal good life and good love. Get out or SERIOUSLY go to therapy.
I understand that you love him and that he is the father of 2 of your kids, however YOU & the KIDS have to come first! Never quit a job for a boyfriend. Plus, you make it tooooo easy for him. He is immature and young.
You need someone who puts you and the kids first and will work his butt off for you guys. Good Luck. It might not be what you want to hear but you need to.
I agree with Margie M. Couldn't have said it more succinctly myself.
