Feeling Guilty for Working and Leaving My Baby Boy

Your paycheck is keeping a roof over his head, clothes on his back, and food in his belly - you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I don't know that it ever goes away entirely. It's a heart vs. head issue.

After I returned to work after my FMLA leave & realized that working FT meant basically feeding, bathing & putting my son to bed & doing it all over again, I decided to make some changes. (My mom watched him, too, and if not you, who better than Grandma?!) I started working PT, my boss was cool with that and I felt MUCH better. And very relieved. And very grateful.
We've had all kinds of financial waxing and waning over the last 8 years of my son's life, and guess what? If you live within your means you CAN choose what is best for you.
Maybe a PT job would be a better balance for you, too?

I worked for 7 months last year while my husband was home with the kids, and I missed them dreadfully! He even admitted that being home was not working out for him, and we really needed to switch roles back to our norm of mom home, dad working. We agreed before we had children that they would not go to daycare of any sort no matter what because I believe the same thing you do. SO, if it bothers you that much, is there any way for you to change life up so that you can be home? We did. We sold both our houses, moved from SoCal to eastern WA, downsized our living space dramatically, and sold our SUV and large and expensive furniture to pay off bills so we wouldn't have monthly debt. Take a good look around you and decide if you can get rid of "stuff" and stay home with your baby. If that still isn't do-able, then give your mom a big hug and tell her thank you so much for watching your son, and go to work knowing that he is in loving arms even when they can't be yours. Then go back and reevaluate the situation next year and see if you can pull it off financially then.

It sounds like your heart is calling you to be there with your son during these critical years - your mom is WRONG to minimize your feelings that way. JMO.

Perhaps she needs to feel needed so her advice to you may have an inherent bias (not saying it does, just throwing that out there). Perhaps she is projecting her own memories of motherhood (and feeling trapped) on you. The bottom line is that you are not your mother. What worked, or didn't work, for her may or may not work for you.

Personally I agree with you and wish I had been there more when my kids were really little. That feeling has never gone away for me, and we even homeschool now! It is not wrong, imho, to want to be the primary caretaker and influence for your child during the early years.

Hang in there mom - see if you can make some changes in your life to get to where your heart calls you to be.

You are normal and the feeling will never go away completely. I am trying to work on staying home this fall since I have three little kids but with this economy it hasn't been possible up till this point. I say if you can somehow find a way to stay home or work no more than parttime then go for it. Careers come and go but kids don't stay kids forever. However, now a days if you're a single parent or even with two parents it is necessary for both to work. Make sure the time you spend with your son is quality time. The dishes and other chores can wait!

You are not crazy at all. I feel the same way...down to the I don't want to waste my son's one on one time by doing any errand/taking away attention from him by making dinner etc. He turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and I still have the guilt. It is a little better/less now though because he LOVES going to preschool and playing with his friends during the day. He excitedly tells me about all that they did each day. Up until 2 though, it killed me that my sitter was able to hang out with him all day instead of me. He grew to love her and she him, but of course it is not the same as a mother's love. However, although I feel guilty, I can say that he is a very happy, lovable, secure child. We still cuddle every am and evening in addition to playing, reading etc and I know that he knows that he is/ feels very loved by me. It is not possible to love my son more than I do and he knows it. I just wish I had more hours with him M-F too.

I don't think that your mom was responding here as "your mom", but as the "daycare provider"- however she makes a point.

It sounds like you are experiencing genuine anxiety over the situation and I wonder if this has happened to you before? Are you generally an anxious person? Some people are- not a huge deal, but you may need to learn some coping strategies.

"You strongly believe"... what we believe and what we're able to achieve are not always the same thing and sometimes when our "reality" changes, we need to re-evaluate what we think is our "belief". In reality, it sounds like you need to work. Think for a moment about what would happen if your income went away permanently... probably kind of scary too.

You are fortunate that your mother is able to care for him while you are working and she's likely a little offended by your insinuation that she isn't able to care for your son... afterall she raised you! You need to make time for your household (along with your husband) and most importantly- make time for your spouse as well.

If you feel like you are having a hard time dealing with this, schedule an appointment with a counselor and see what they say!

I still feel guilty just about every day for going to work but I do look back at the "early" years and think it was completely wasted guilt. My girls were with a loving nanny, I still spent a lot of time with them and now that they're older, they are fine, clearly are bonded with me, know I love them, are happy, well adjusted etc. Just keep telling yourself that if he's well cared for, he will be completely fine and won't remember a single thing. Think back - do you remember when you were 1 or 2? My sister told me to work while I could. At a young age, they have no concept of time etc. It was hard to believe but now that I've lived it, I agree. Years ago, almost all kids were practically raised by their grandparents or an extended network of adults while their parents worked on the farm. The stay at home dedicated mom-thing is mainly since the 1950's. Generations of people turned out fine! I've also read that kids aren't negatively impacted by not being primarily cared for by a parent if they have good 1:1, interactive etc contact with caregivers and the mother is not disengaged when she is home. Lots of SAHM's are too busy to be that focused on their babies all day either.

I've just returned to work full time. Our son is 4 months old. My mother and husband (who is in grad school) are splitting child care responsibilities.

I am finding my return to work really healthy for both me personally, and for my relationship with my child. I had been longing for adult stimulation and a sense of productivity which I had been missing during my maternity leave. Also, now that I only see him for a few hours in the morning, the evening, and on the weekends, I look forward to that time. Also, I can handle the crying, and spit ups, and nappies much better, since there are only so many to face.

I don't know if this makes sense to you, but now that I have less time to spend with him, I cherish the time that we do have together even more.

I hope that you can manage to either change your schedule or change your perspective. guilt will wear on you.

I feel the same way! I have worked full time recently due to a lazy husband, but he does stay home with my son. I feel awful and i miss my little man at all times and call throughout the day to say hello. He is eighteen months old. I just try to spend as much time as I can with my son, especially on the weekend i take full responsibilty for caring for him and in the evening as well. I leave housework for after he goes to bed( this is very rare because i am a clean freak) enjoy the time with them and make sure you are feeling okay as well, because if you are not taking care of yourself how are you supposed to take care of somebody else.

It took me 5 months to stop crying when I left her at day care. I have to say though, I did have post partum depression so did have to go on medication, which helped.
The main thing is to realize it does get better. They need the time away from you as much as you do sometimes. And it does help with their security to know you will always come home for them.
It's also a great feeling to come around the corner and see the huge smile on her face now, as she comes running up to me to give me a hug. She misses me as much as I miss her.

HI, I just want to let you know that you aren't alone and you are normal! I felt just like you when my kids were young. That was 18 years ago. We made the necessary arrangements in order for me to stay home. When we counted up how much money we'd spend on professional clothing, gas, 2nd car, day care etc., multiplied by more than one child (because we knew we'd want more!) we decided I wasn't making so much that we couldn't make some major changes. we bought a small house, lived with just one car for a while, went on and had 3 more kids and adopted a nephew, and I totally have never regretted the decision. Someone once told me that God gave your son to YOU....not to anyone else, or to a school. And therefore, you are the best person to care for him, teach him, play with him etc.
My oldest is 22 and out of the house, and the other four are 18,17, almost 16 and 14. I've never regretted that decision. when it came time for school, we decided to homeschool. and I've not regretted that either. It seems like yesterday that we were all on the floor playing, now one's on his own and a parent, one's in college and the others are well on their way. I have the rest of my life ahead of me to be a corporate big wig if I want, or to open the bakery I've always dreamed of. Life won't pass me by...but my children may have! They are young for such a little time. Enjoy it and soak it in. I think if a mom loves nothing more than to be with her child/children then she is a good MOM....not a part time one! Your mom may just be enjoying the time with your son so much that she's afraid you'll stay home and she won't get as much of her grandson as she does now...you'll have to work that out later. But please, know that you're normal...its a mom's job to be a mom! Be the greatest you can be and give your son the most you can give!
Best wishes,
K.

I feel the same way but look at it as you would a father....you are providing for your child. He is in a safe loving environment with your mother and you spend quality time with him in the evening. You are there for him when he goes to sleep and when he wakes.

It is actually good for them to be with other qualified caregivers. it helps them understand mommy will come right back and gives them that security. It is always hard but you find ways to take greater pleasure and appreciate each moment even more.

You are a great mommy and providing a good life and caring, loving upbringing for your little one!

True - no one else can give him the care, attention, and love that a parent can. But they can give him time with someone with years more experience, someone who isn't burnt out from parenting because they get a break at the end of the day, and the knowledge that there are lots of people out there who will help him find his way in the world.

I understand the guilt, but I do think you should work on letting it go. It's not productive for you, and it could ultimately undermine your relationship with your son. He'll figure out awfully fast that he can take advantage of the guilt that you feel.

Finally, what would you say to a dad who felt this way? You'd probably say that dad is providing for his family financially, that he's a great father because of the love he feels for his kids, that he should find fulfillment in a number of areas, not just at home. It's no different for you because you're a woman. There's lots of ways to care for a family.

If you continue to feel so guilt-ridden, perhaps you should seek some counseling - you don't want to be unhappy all the time.

Good luck.

If staying with your kids is something you desire so much (and I totally get it and agree -- that's where my heart is too) is there any way you can make it happen? Feeling like you do about being with my kids, I imagine I would feel torn up like you do so I encourage you to consider alternatives. Can you talk to your husband about how much it's killing you and work something out? My mom felt like you, and even though my dad had a difficult time making a good income, she was a SAHM. We lived in a 2-bedroom trailer even though there were 6 of us (4 kids). And even though we lived in hot Arizona, we had no air conditioning. I don't remember any of that or feeling poor. I just have tons of warm memories of spending tons of time with a loving mom. It was a wonderful childhood even though we didn't have much.

But having said that, if you're single or still can't make it work for whatever reason, guilt will only put a shadow over the wonderful time you do have together. And you really do have the best situation for daycare -- a loving grandma. I don't know what to tell you to help you get over those feelings, so maybe professional help is in order. I'm sure there are good books that can help you if therapy is too expensive.