I had so many plans for myself today. My daughter is at her dad's house from 12 - 6 today. She doesn't stay with him all weekend, she only visits him once a week for 6 hours a day. When she was little, I preferred this arrangement. Now, she's almost 3 and she loves being with him. He is disabled, so he lives with his parents now, and they are always there with her and him. I know she has a great time while she's there.
I have been so busy all week, and there are so many things I didn't even get to, because there are some things I just can't do with her. So, I put those things off until today. Today, I spent maybe an hour of my time doing something slightly productive. I've pretty much just been on mamapedia all day. My head hurts, and I'm just tired. My daughter isn't here, and I have all of this time to myself to just read and reply to mamapedia posts, or whatever else I want to do that I can't normally do until she's asleep. Even when she's asleep, I am on borrowed time until she wakes up.
I just feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel guilty for secretly wishing that she could spend more than just 6 hours a week with her dad and his family. I feel guilty that I didn't clean the house while she is gone. I hate cleaning when she's here, because I know she gets so bored. I have been working on getting my new marykay business going, which has been keeping me really busy. i still need to go to school and meet with my professors. i need to make some calls to find locations for setting up a booth/table. i mean, i have a lot i should be doing... but i just don't want to do it. i feel tired, i have a headache, and i'm LOVING laying here on the couch with my computer and just RELAXING for once, NOT WORKING... and all without someone asking me for another juice, or screaming that there's a commercial, or dumping something on the carpet, or having a potty accident, or anything else.
Is that terrible? Please be honest. I feel like I'm being the worst mom on the planet lately, because I've been spending so much time getting the new thing up and going... and school...and everything else....and we haven't done anything really fun. I try to get her to the zoo at least a couple of times per month, and out of the house for something fun at least 3 times a week. We've been cooped up for 2 weeks now. We did go to the park a couple of times, and my friend and her son come over a few nights per week, but as far as time I'm getting with her.... it has already been limited... and all i can do is feel relieved that she isn't here for me to worry about right now.
Sometimes I think I'm not meant to be a working mom. I get so easily frustrated, because the whole time I'm working, I feel guilty and the whole time I'm not working, I feel guilty. How do I giure out how to stop feeling GUILTY all of the time. Do I feel this way for a good reason, or is something wrong with me. I can't focus on anything 100% anymore. Is this just being a mom? Or am I doing something wrong?
I am not this kind of mom!!!!!!! I don't know why I am today :(
I was so relieved to read all of your responses. I really felt terrible about myself for feeling that way. It was really great though. I didn't really talk to anyone today, other than you ladies. I am always, always, always, always on the go, even if it's not work or school related. If I'm not working or doing homework, I'm out and about with my daughter visiting friends and family and trying to keep her entertained. I usually use the time she's not here to "enjoy" a few uninterrupted hours of work. I realized that I don't even remember the last time I just sat at home all day without doing anything productive. It's either homework, work, or being "on" as mommy. I think I just felt this way because it was TIME to just take a break, and spend some time alone with myself, doing NOTHING.I think I'm just programmed to think it's wrong not to be productive. I was productive though, because I re-charged, and by the time my daughter got home I was in a much better mood and I was ready to be all about her. I missed her, and I was happy to kiss her little cheeks when I opened the door and she latched on to me with a big smile while screaching, "mommmmmyyyyyy!!!!!!!!". I needed a day like today, today :p Thank you all for being so supportive and understanding!
Mental health is important - you're taking a much needed mental health break. I take them all the time. :-)
You are NORMAL! That is a completely understandable way to feel.
Being a mom is full of guilt. I think we females are somehow raised to feel chronically guilty, about everything. Try to enjoy your down time, because it will make you more productive later. We can't be "on" all the time.
Enjoy a day off every now and then. Don't let guilt get to you. Don't shoulda -- woulda -- coulda -- even enter your brain today.
I am always "lazy" during the weekend because hubby is home. :)
Sure I feel guilty. But I'm a SAHM. That means 24/7 of caretaking, and listening to them whine and scream. I can't even clean the house when I'm alone with them without being followed around and being screamed at. Motherhood is a tiresome business.
So read a book, watch a movie, surf the net, take a nap.. Do whatever you want! This is your ME time! Take advantage of it! :)
Oh, and don't feel guilty for working. You either have to for financial reasons or sanity ones. Either way, you are doing the best thing for both of you!
And she SHOULD spend more time with her dad. That's very important.
You know what "they" say: if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!
Relax & enjoy.
I agree with Reverend Ruby: give yourself a break. I'd even encourage you to get up out of your chair and go take a walk, just for perspective. A lot of things have been pressing on you, and even Mamapedia will wait. (I find this helps me a lot, even if only to alleviate the stress of feeling guilty. Even a 15 minute walk works.)
We are NEVER going to have it all done. Do what feels doable, and don't feel badly about needing more time in your days. Raising kids is a 24/7 job, and sometimes it isn't always fun for anyone, you or your daughter. But the fact that you are aware of her needs, your needs, feel the way you do--all of this suggests to me that you are a good mom. A lousy mom wouldn't care. :)
Sometimes you just need a day to crash and do nothing, or next to nothing. You run and run and run and your body and mind just says Enough.
I have those days where I crash. I never even get around to getting out of my pajamas and showered and don't leave the house.
I do all the things I have to in order to take care of the kids but that's about it. Or I spend what free time I have just surfing the net or knitting or sorting through something that's completely unimportant at that time but I feel like it.
There is nothing wrong with occasional days like that to recharge and recover from the rest of the time that is always on the run and busy.
Sounds like you needed a mommy break!! Don't feel one bit guilty, your plate is full, all of us want Dad to take over when we are wanting to turn off whether we are married to him or not:D I am glad you had a day to doodle. You know some free time every week might not be a bad thing, what if that was just 'you' time? Go get a pedicure, see a movie, meet a girlfriend. No harm in a mommy's day out! If it was scheduled you time then maybe you could get over the guilt and be even more productive when you need to be :) We moms tend to schedule every thing so perfectly and forget to include ourselves in the mix. A burned out mom ain't good for anybody! Hang in there :)
sometimes a girl just needs a mamapedia/bad tv/smut novel/nap/pan of brownies day.
do it and love it!
khairete
S.
